Finding Ever After Read online

  Finding Ever After

  By Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Epilogue

  Prologue

  I wish mommy would get better. She’s been sick for weeks. Even more sick than that time in the second grade when I got the chicken pox and had to stay home from school. She’s been to lots of doctors but none of them have helped her. Last week, when Sebastian and I were supposed to be upstairs doing our homework, we went downstairs to get a snack and we heard mommy talking to Bas’ Dad. They were talking about a special doctor that Mr. Cross works with, he wanted mommy to go see him. She’s gone to lots of different doctors, but I heard her say she was scared this time.

  Mommy never gets scared, not when I hear noises in the dark at bedtime, not when I see spiders crawling on the floor and not even when Bas and his big brother, Christian, make us watch those horrible monster movies they love. She’s the bravest person in the world. I don’t want mommy to be scared.

  *

  Today Mommy went to see the special doctor that works with Bas’ dad. He figured out what was wrong with Mommy, and it’s bad, really, really bad. When Mr. Cross dropped me off after school he wouldn’t let Sebastian come over. Bas comes over every day after school, so I knew something wasn’t right. I walked in the house and Mommy was sitting on the couch in the living room. Her eyes were all red and puffy, she must have been crying just before I came home.

  “Mom?”

  “Hey sweetie.” She looked up and tried to wipe her eyes. “Why don’t you get started on your homework and I’ll fix you a snack.” She tried to pretend nothing was wrong.

  I drug my backpack into the kitchen, just like I would any other day and pulled out my schoolwork. I didn’t know what else to do, Mommy didn’t cry after she saw the other doctors. The way she was looking at me while I sat there trying to concentrate on my math, made me think she wanted to cry a lot more. That’s how I knew it wasn’t anything like the chickenpox.

  I didn’t like how quiet it was and how sad her eyes were. I had to ask, even though I was scared of what she would say. “Mom, did the new doctor figure out why you’ve been sick?” It felt like forever before she answered.

  “Yeah Jaxyn.” She sighed. “He did.”

  “Is that why you’re sad?”

  “Yeah baby, that’s why I’m sad.“

  “Is he gonna make you better?”

  “He’s going to try sweetheart, but mommy might not get better.” Her eyes were getting real shiny as she answered my questions.

  “What do you mean you might not get better, isn’t that what doctor’s do, make people better? Bas’ dad is a doctor and people take their babies to see him when they’re sick or hurt and he makes them better. Why can’t your doctor just make you better like Mr. Cross does for all the babies?” How could she say she might not get better? She has to get better.

  “That’s true Jaxy, doctors do make people better, but sometimes people are just too sick to get better, no matter how hard the doctors try.”

  “What’s wrong with you? What’s so bad that the special doctor can’t fix?” I knew my eyes were shiny too but I was trying so hard not to let the tears out.

  “I have cancer baby girl.”

  No, no, no, anything but that.

  Jessica in my class said that her mom got cancer when she was very little and she died and now she barely remembers her. In second grade Mom and Mr. Cross took me and Bas and Chris to a carnival and it was for a girl who used to babysit kids in our neighborhood. She had cancer too and even though they got lots of money from the carnival, she still didn’t get better. I know we don’t have that much money because I see how worried Mom gets when bills come in the mail. So how will mom get better?

  I jumped out of my chair and ran upstairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me. I dove onto my pink princess bed Mom got me last year on my eighth birthday. Her and Mr. Cross spent three hours trying to put it together while Bas and I watched and giggled every time his dad would get frustrated and say bad words.

  I tried not to think about that day, or the next day when they took us to the zoo so I could spend all day watching the monkeys because they’re my favorite. Then when we got home we had a sleepover and ate so much candy and ice cream that we were bouncing off the walls and jumping on that brand new bed all night. I couldn’t think about those times, when I thought everything in my life was perfect, because now nothing was perfect and it might not ever be again. I just wanted to cry and not stop. So I didn’t. Not when I heard Mom knocking on my door, and I still didn’t stop when she came in, laid down next to me, wrapped her arms around me and held me tight until I cried myself to sleep.

  *

  Mom looks pretty today. Her skin isn’t so pale and her hair is finally growing back. I didn’t like when she lost it. I knew the medicine that made it fall out would hopefully make her better, but I still didn’t like it. I’ve always loved her hair, the same color as my favorite caramel candies and it’s so soft, softer than my dolls’ hair. I like when she lets me play with it. Hopefully it will be long enough for me to practice braiding again soon. Last month the doctor told her that she doesn’t have to take that medicine anymore. I’m really happy because it made her feel very sick too.

  On days when she had to go to the doctor for her medicine she made me sleep over at Sebastian’s. I wanted to stay home and take care of her and make her chicken noodle soup like she always does for me when I don’t feel good. She said she didn’t want me to have to see her when she was so sick, but I made sure that Mr. Cross always checked on her and took her soup. I think he would have done it even if I didn’t make him, he loves her too. I’m pretty sure Mommy loves him back. They think Sebastian and I don’t see how they smile at each other, but we do. We want them to get married like Sebastian’s mom did with his stepdad Daniel, when we were in first grade. It would be the best if Sebastian and Mr. Cross lived with us and Bas got to be my brother. That used to be all I wished for. I‘d even take Chris too.

  After Mom got sick I didn’t wish for anything but for her to get better. I know God heard my wishes because she’s finally starting to act like her old self. She’s smiling and laughing more, and she was even jumping up at down at my last couple soccer games, her and Sebastian always cheer the loudest.

  Hopefully, since she’s feeling better, it means we’ll get to go to my favorite theme park next month for my tenth birthday. Last year we had to stay home because mom had just started her treatment and was too tired to go anywhere, but that was okay. Bas and his dad came over with ice cream. We made sundaes and watched movies all day. They
even put candles in my ice cream, it was a good day. Maybe this year if Mom really is all better, I’ll wish for Bas to be my brother again.

  *

  It doesn’t matter what you wish for or how hard you wish it, sometimes it still doesn‘t come true. I‘ve been replaying the day over and over in my head, how it should‘ve gone when I came home from school. It was a Friday with no homework, I should‘ve spent the evening eating pizza and beating Bas at that stupid video game, but that‘s not what happened.

  “Mom!” I called out as I walked in the door after soccer practice.

  “In here.” She answered from her bedroom. I didn’t hear the catch in her voice. “Can I go over to Bas’ after I finish my homework? He got that new game from his mom that we’ve both been dying to play and Mr. Cross is gonna order pizza and …” I stopped as I walked into her room and saw her trying to wipe the tears from her eyes and hide the photos of my father that she doesn’t think I know she keeps tucked in the pages of her grandma’s old Bible. Every once in a while I see her staring at them with sad eyes, but she doesn’t usually cry over him anymore. I can tell from how puffy her eyes are that she must have really been bawling before I came home. It had be something more than my loser dad. It was at that moment that I remembered the reason Becky’s Mom had to give me a ride home from practice, Mom had her two year check up since going into remission. The look on her face said it all though. It’s back.

  Please God, no.

  But even as I sent up that silent prayer, I knew it was true. There was no point in even asking, so instead I did something I hadn’t since I was six years old and wondered why most of the other kids in my class had two parents to come to Parent Night.

  “Tell me about my father. What was he like when you fell in love with him?” I could tell that wasn’t what she was expecting me to ask, knowing how much I hated the man who left her and broke her heart before I was even born. She took her time answering, trying to decide what to tell me.

  “He was wild and so full of life, and the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. I knew he was trouble and he was dangerous but I couldn’t help but be attracted to him. He was so fearless and lived life completely on his terms, not caring what anyone else thought.” She paused and I knew she was remembering him then. After the first time I caught her looking at them, I’d snuck a look at the pictures she had of him. I knew he had been a very attractive man, but even as young as I was I could see what she meant when she said he was dangerous. It was in his eyes, something was off, they were cold and grey; they matched the hard look of his face. I spent hours staring in the mirror hoping that even though I had his darker hair and those same eyes, which sometimes looked silver, mine would be warm and kind like Mom’s. I didn’t want to be anything like him. Realizing I was still watching her, waiting for to go on, she continued.

  “All the girls wanted him, and he loved that. He left a trail of broken hearts in his wake. I thought I could be the one to tame him, that he would change his ways for me if I just loved him enough.” She paused again, this time because I knew it was hard for her to speak about this to me. It was definitely more than she had told me when I was younger. “I think, that maybe he tried at first, that he wanted to love me back, but the truth is he was made for walking away and it was always going to happen. I just let myself see what I wanted. I believed his lies and fell for every line, and by the time I realized he would never actually let me in, it was too late for me because I had already given him everything.”

  The tears streaked down her cheeks again, and I knew my face matched hers. I just couldn’t imagine how anyone could not love this amazing, special woman in front of me. How could someone just throw her away like that. Mom quickly wiped her eyes when she saw how upset I was becoming, but she was mistaken about the reason my heart hurt.

  “Oh baby girl, you know I don’t regret it, not a single moment of it because I got you, and you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I will always love you, no matter what happens.” And I did know, not once in my life had I ever doubted how much she loved me.

  “I know mom, and I love you more than anything, you’re the best mom in the whole world.” I had to make sure she knew how much she meant to me. My words brought more tears to her eyes and then we were both sobbing for a completely different reason than the man who should have loved us both, but had failed.

  “I need you to promise me something sweetheart.”

  “Anything Mom.” I meant it, I would give her anything she wanted and do anything she asked of me.

  “Promise me you’ll be careful with your heart sweet girl, that you’ll protect it and won’t give it away to just anyone. Wait for the man who is going to cherish it. You’re a princess baby girl, and don’t you settle for anyone who doesn’t see that, you deserve Prince Charming.”

  “How will I be able to tell the difference between a prince and one of the bad guys?” She thought about my question for a moment.

  “Well, do you know how much I love you, how special you are to me and how I would do anything for you, give you the entire world?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yes you do, come on sweetheart, how do you know I love you?”

  “I just do.” It was hard to explain how I knew it, I just did. “I see it when you look at me, when you smile at me for no reason, and when you laugh at my jokes that even Bas doesn’t think are funny, and even when you get mad at me or are disappointed in me I still see it. I feel it when you hug me and hold my hand when I’m scared.”

  “Where do you feel it baby?”

  “In here.” I answered her raising my hand over my heart.

  “Exactly Jaxy. You’ll know when it’s real, and most importantly you need to remember, that no matter what, you are worthy of that love. Unfortunately, when I was your age, nobody showed me what it looked like or made me feel like I deserved to be loved just the way I was and so I settled for an imitation.” I knew my Mom didn’t have the best relationship with her parents when they were still alive. I don’t remember ever meeting them. They died when I was two, and I don’t think they wanted anything to do with me, which is just fine, because I wouldn’t want anything to do with them if they were still here.

  “I don’t ever want you to have settle in life. Don’t be afraid to be who you are and fight for what you believe in and what you want. If it’s really worth having, it won’t come easy, that’s especially true of love. It’s easy enough to fall in love, that’s why they call it falling, but making it last will take time and work. If you do it right though, you’ll only have to do it once and it will be forever. That’s the kind of love you deserve Princess.” I hung on her every word as she looked down at me with so much emotion in her eyes.

  “There’s going to be pain and disappointments in life, but don’t let them break you. Refuse to be confined by sorrow and heartaches because you have so much to offer the world. Too much to ever be limited or locked up by fear or doubt, and if you remember that baby girl, and don’t let this world change you, then you are gonna soar through life with a fire and passion that few are bold enough to embrace.”

  That day I promised to remember her words and to try and live them out. Seven weeks later, just three days before my twelfth birthday she was gone, and my life changed forever and that promise got harder and harder to keep.

  Chapter 1

  After four days on the road, seeing the flash of green out the windshield that proclaimed 150 miles to Boston brought back the memory of the day I fled Massachusetts. I was filled with the same nervousness now, that I had felt then.

  My cell phone buzzed again with a new text. That made five in the last half hour that I had ignored. I didn’t need to check them. I knew who they were from. By now Vi and Bas would be wondering why I hadn’t showed up at Josh’s graduation party. I had promised to meet up with them there after we left the restaurant where Mr. Cross and Vi’s parents had treated us t
o dinner. I had no intention of showing up at that party. My bags were packed last night and I made sure everything was ready to go before I left the house this morning for the ceremony. The nervous anticipation had been building all day. I was terrified of leaving behind everything I had ever known, but I couldn’t stay here. It was time to keep the promises I made to my mother as a young girl. I had done a poor job of honoring them and her memory since I lost her six years ago. It was time for a change, I couldn‘t keep blaming my father for my misery. Regardless of what he had done, the truth is I stopped fighting for anything. I did what I promised her I wouldn’t. I let him and Connor rip away the pieces of me that were left until I didn’t even recognize the girl in the mirror. The eyes that stared back at me resembled a much colder pair that I had become very familiar with since I was forced to go live with him after Mom was gone.

  Realizing I was turning into him, that I was becoming just as cold and distant as he was, crushed me, but it was what happened after, what Connor did that finally pushed me over the edge. I knew I had to get out and get as far away as possible. I wasn’t safe here. I spent the last four months planning my departure. I hadn’t told anyone of my intentions, not even Bas. He wouldn’t understand, he would try to talk me into staying. He was still counting on us living in the same dorm at Boston U, we’d been talking about going there since freshman year. Bas knew what he wanted, he was going to be a brilliant doctor just like his dad. Problem was I didn’t know what I wanted anymore, but I knew I wouldn’t find it here.