Rage to Live Read online

  “Charlie.” She jiggled my arm. “He’s adopted, remember? He’s her brother. Arielle and he are really close, but not in a sexual way.” She wiggled her nose. “She dated Dennis her freshman year.”

  “She wanted me to meet her brother for some reason. She kept mentioning him at the AGP party.” I acted like it wasn’t a big deal, even though it bugged me not knowing why she’d wanted me to meet him. Jo might be up on all the gossip, thanks to Tris, but if I kept talking about Arielle, she would make assumptions. Arielle was into guys. I felt stupid to have thought otherwise. She was the type of person who was friendly and welcoming to anyone, male or female.

  “The first time I met her, she also wanted me to meet Will.” Jo shrugged and finished with the bags. “She does it to everyone.”

  How strange. I should have been relieved, but I was disappointed. I couldn’t be that important if she treated me like everyone else. But I still couldn’t stop obsessing over it.

  Marshall found his way back over to us. He rolled up his sleeves to his elbows and unbuttoned the front of his shirt, showing off some sort of T-shirt underneath.

  “Please tell me you’re going to change into something cooler. You have to be melting out here.” Jo tugged on the hem of the white button-down shirt he’d untucked from his pants.

  “Theo said the same thing. I have a change of clothes in my car along with more boxes of brochures and pens. One of you want to help me get them?” His voice carried over to Theo, who stopped talking with the girls and gave us two thumbs-up.

  “I’ll come with you,” I volunteered, wanting to get out from under the stuffy booth and grab something to drink. It would also give me a chance to get to know Marshall better.

  “Great.” He held out his arm for me to go ahead. What a gentleman.

  He asked if Jo or anyone else wanted something to drink. As we walked out of the booth, Theo said Marshall’s name and came over with money. He handed the bills to Marshall, then fluffed Marshall’s hair and squeezed his shoulder. Marshall smiled in return and thanked Theo for the money.

  “You and Theo are good friends,” I said as we hiked up the steps to the parking lot.

  “We’ve known each other since we were kids. I’m like a little brother to him.” He grimaced but then dropped his mouth into a straight line. “My dad and his mom dated for a while.”

  “No wonder you treat each other like brothers. If your mom and his dad got married—”

  “It would have been really awkward.” He shuddered and unbuttoned the rest of his shirt.

  “Why’s that? You’re not—”

  I paused, noting the red flush flagging his cheeks. “Wait. Did you and Theo date?”

  He stopped walking and took his time folding his shirt. Any other guy his age would have crumpled the shirt into a wrinkled ball, but not Marshall. “Theo only goes out with guys his own age, mainly ones at Maison and at the cultural arts center where he interns.”

  “You like him, but he doesn’t feel the same way?”

  He untucked his T-shirt with Albee High’s logo in the middle. After seeing him in a dress shirt and slacks, the tee looked strange on him. But it did display a nice upper body even I could admire, like most girls probably would.

  “Like I said, he thinks of me as his younger brother. Can we drop it? I’ve been there, done that with Jo many times.” He pulled out a set of keys and pressed a button on them. The lights to a shiny red coupe a few feet away flashed, and the trunk opened.

  “Sorry if I’m nosy. I should mind my own business,” I said, feeling shitty for overstepping with someone who was a stranger.

  He unzipped a duffel bag and refolded his shirt before he stuck it inside. “Don’t beat yourself up for asking. It doesn’t upset me. If Theo found out, it wouldn’t change anything between us. There’s a whole world of men out there for me.”

  “You’re open about….” I scraped the toe of my sneaker on the blacktop.

  “Being gay?” He took out a pair of white canvas sneakers from the bag and toed off his loafers. “I’ve been lucky to have supportive people in my life who accept me for being who I am. I’ve never hidden it. Theo feels the same. Our parents, and those we care about, don’t have any problems with us, just as if we were hetero.”

  “Jo told you about me.” I wished I had the same confidence he had.

  “That you’re gay?” He sat on his bumper and tied his sneakers. “Yeah, she said you had it rough at your old high school, and that’s why you’re finishing senior year here.”

  “Rough doesn’t even cover what I went through last year,” I admitted, wondering how much he knew from Jo.

  He rested his forearms on his knees and swung one of his legs upward. “People tell me things, because I’m easy to talk to. It’s always been like that. When my dad and mom divorced, she—” He cleared his throat and snorted. “TMI too soon?”

  I sat next to him, completely relaxed and enjoying our conversation. “You’re looking for another friend like Jo?”

  He hung his hands between his legs. “I wouldn’t mind having another girl friend to confide in, if you’re interested.”

  “You’re more comfortable with girls, or just want to make the guys at your school jealous?” I batted my eyelashes at him.

  He chuckled and knocked his foot into mine. “The guys at our school won’t lose any sleep over me stealing the girls they want. Most of them ask me for dating advice.”

  “Seriously?” I snickered. “You help others with their dating problem, but you can’t tell Theo how you feel?”

  He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Maybe you and Jo can convince me to grow a bigger set of balls and ask Theo out.” He cracked his knuckles. “Or dare me to kiss him.”

  “I have a shitty record when it comes to love. I’m a total failure.” I winced from the tightening my throat. Finding someone new to love or develop feelings for would be a long time coming, perhaps never.

  He opened his eyes, and sympathy lined his face. “You’ve had your heart broken already?”

  I nodded and swallowed hard. “My heart was stomped on. I don’t think I’ll recover from it.”

  He opened his mouth, but then his cell beeped. He took it out of his pocket and read the touch screen. “Jo wants to know what’s taking us so long. She says if she faints from the heat because she hasn’t had anything to drink, she’s blaming me.” He climbed down from the trunk, then helped me down. I didn’t flinch when he clasped my elbow.

  “How about we talk more later?” he asked.

  “Sure.” I snagged the smaller box while he took the larger one, and we made our way back to the booth. As we passed one of the drink stands, Marshall stopped to buy the drinks. I had appreciated our talk. Knowing he was someone I could trust and become friends with helped relax the bundle of nerves attacking my stomach.

  I even started humming while I walked. But as I turned the corner, the boxes almost tumbled from my hands. Arielle chatted with Theo, and without her entourage. Tucking some of her curls behind her ear, she paused, and a smile broke across her face. She excused herself and came over to me.

  “Let me help you with that. It’s my hour to volunteer at the booth.” She grabbed the box of pens.

  “You’re volunteering here?” I squeaked.

  “Yup. I’m also a member of the LGBTQ group. I’m active with gay rights on campus and in the community.” She winked and carried the box to the booth.

  I didn’t want to read too much into her statement, but I couldn’t help myself. Had she just outed herself to me?

  KIDS HIGH on energy, or most likely sugar, mobbed the bouncy castle erected in the middle of the quad. Their faces were stained with blue or pink, the color of the cotton candy they’d devoured. The sticky smell of it seeped through the air like the soupy humidity that made my clothes damp with sweat. It was the middle of September, but it still felt like August. I was so sick of it.

  I was sick of a lot of things, mainly about myself, but that had
become the norm. Even standing under a tree, shaded from the sun, and drinking a can of ginger ale, the only type of soda I preferred, didn’t help my mood. I was cranky and irritable, and all I wanted was to lie in my bed in my air-conditioned house—oh, wait. I couldn’t go back to my real home, not now or ever.

  Screams and cheers of the kids carried over, invading my thoughts. I’d never seen so many kids or families on a college campus. Or balloons. Or a jumpy castle. You couldn’t have a fair without a jumpy castle.

  I had loved going inside them when I was younger. I had a vague memory of my mom before the lupus stole her energy. I’d seen her through the netting, watching me as I watched her, waving at one another and laughing. I must have been five or six. A feeling of nostalgia came over me, pushing aside my irritation. But then that twitchy feeling came back in between my shoulder blades like my shirt sticking to me, damp with sweat from the awful heat.

  The bell from the chapel across the way rang out, noting the top of the hour. I was due back to the booth, given the excuse that I’d needed to use the bathroom. I hadn’t even lasted ten minutes while Arielle volunteered. She was way too chatty and pleasant with everyone. But when she looked at me, her smile dimmed, along with the light in her eyes. She had come to some conclusion about me, and it made me nervous. I got the hell out of there, needing to be alone, which hadn’t improved my attitude.

  Tired of standing, I sat on the ground, checking the sunlight peeking through the leaves. Some of the leaves had already changed color, and acorns lined the grass underneath. I tilted my head back on my shoulders, dragging my fingers in the grass as I regulated my breathing to meditate. Eventually my heartbeat slowed, and my eyelids dropped.

  “So this is where you disappeared to.”

  My heart sped up as I opened my eyes. Arielle stood over me, holding a bottle of water and a can of ginger ale like the one I’d been drinking. Words stuck in my throat, silenced by my dry mouth. She didn’t look bothered by the heat. No wrinkle on her red-cropped tank top or her tan chino shorts. Even her hair was more curly than frizzy. Her face had a flush to it, but as more of a healthy glow.

  I blinked away the spots, squinting from the too-bright light. She didn’t wait for me to invite her to sit—she did it on her own, taking a space next to me, close enough that if she spread out her legs, we would touch. I crossed my legs, tucking them in while she planted hers in front, wiggling her toes on the rubber of her flip-flops. A silver ring on each middle toe gleamed amid the glitter of her silver nail polish.

  My own feet were too wide and large, and extremely pale, my toenails free of polish. I wasn’t a fan of feet in general, but I found Arielle’s fascinating.

  She didn’t notice me ogling her feet. She lifted her hair away from her shoulders, pulling it back in a clip and wrapping it in a brown crochet band around her head. Then she set the soda can in between us, the cold metal pressing the side of my knee.

  “You bought me a soda?” I asked, touched by the gesture.

  She unscrewed the cap from her water and sipped. “I got it with my water.”

  “Why?” I took the can but didn’t open it.

  “Why not?” She tapped her bottle to my can. “Cheers.”

  “Did you buy anyone else drinks?” I rolled the can back and forth in between my palms, the chill numbing my skin.

  “You darted out of there before I could ask if you had a drink. But I got your back.” She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, lifting her pinky finger in the air as she drank.

  It wasn’t hard to notice that everything she did was classy, even when drinking a bottle of water. I would never think to lift my pinky finger. I was more the type to wrap my hand around my drink and lock my fingers in place.

  That’s why I didn’t pop open the can and drink. I didn’t want her to make more assumptions about me. But I didn’t want her to be insulted and think I’d rejected her kind gesture either. I set the can down in between my legs and wiped away the condensation from the top.

  “Why did you buy me a soda and look for me? You must have better things to do with your time than hanging out with some high school kid.” I tried keeping my tone light, but it came across as insulted.

  She lowered her bottle and licked her lips, making me want to lick my own. “I wanted to talk to you without everyone around.” She swished the remaining water in her bottle around. “I should apologize for Saturday night.”

  “Apologize for what?”

  She balanced on her palms, arching back to show the curve of her stomach and the hoop piercing the top of her belly button.

  I sucked in a hard breath, making the muscles of my stomach contract. I’d never seen a belly-button piercing this close before.

  She rolled her head across her shoulders, giving me a better shot of her face. “For what I said, mainly about my brother. I don’t want you to think I’m fixing you up with him.”

  I barked out a laugh, complete with a snort. I clapped my hand over my mouth to stop from embarrassing myself further. She didn’t wince or jerk the way most people did when they heard my nasal braying.

  “Don’t take it the wrong way, but your brother isn’t my type,” I spoke through my fingers.

  “Will is everyone’s type, even girls who prefer the company of other girls.”

  Aha, and there it was. Using her brother to find out if I was gay didn’t seem like her at all. I’d expected her to be blunt and ask without circling around the issue.

  “You want to know if I’m attracted to girls?” I flicked the tab of the can with my nail.

  “What I really want to know is if that’s your real hair color.”

  I ended up knocking my can to the side. As I grabbed it, Arielle did also, and our hands met. Her thumb landed over mine and stayed there, cinching me in place.

  “My real hair color is much lighter.” I tucked a strand behind my ear with my free hand. “It used to be a lot longer, down to my shoulders, but I cut it all off last year.”

  “My hair is all natural.” She tapped my thumb.

  I took a deep breath. “Yes.”

  “Yes what?” she asked, still tapping.

  “Yes, I like girls. You have a problem with that?”

  She stopped tapping and dropped her hand over mine. I lowered my head to stare at my lap, and she shifted, her leg brushing mine as the space between us vanished. I swore her mouth touched the outside of my ear, but it could have been her breath.

  “I like girls also.”

  Well, there you go. I kept my face down instead of lifting it. If I did, our noses would probably bump, or maybe our mouths would meet—no, don’t go there. “What a coincidence. But if you’re into girls, then what’s the deal with you and the quarterback?”

  Her warm breath tickled the side of my neck. “We dated my freshman year. That was when I was still interested in guys, but then I realized I was more attracted to women.”

  “You’re bisexual?” I tilted my head slightly to the right, peering under my eyelashes. I’d never met anyone like Arielle. People were either straight or gay, not in between.

  “I’m not sure. Maybe.” She shrugged. “Does it matter?”

  “You swinging both ways? Not to me.” I should have said it wasn’t any of my business, but it would have sounded too cold and uncaring.

  “You’re not going to say something like ‘you enjoy the best of both worlds’?”

  I sputtered, a giggle exploding from my mouth. To cover the horrible sound, I finally opened my can and took a sip.

  Arielle settled back on her elbows and crossed her ankles. She was so chill after what she’d revealed to me. If it had been me, I wouldn’t have been able to sit still.

  She shaded her eyes from the sun with her hand as she viewed the kids near the jumpy castle.

  “I can’t stand those things.” She nudged her chin upward.

  “What? The jumpy castle?” I drank down more of the ginger ale.

  She wiggled her nose and frowned. “I
swear every birthday party I went to as a kid had them. Years later I still remember the rank smell of unwashed bodies and horrible BO.” She gagged and winced.

  “So, no jumpy castle at the next AGP party?” I studied her from the corner of my eye. The light from the sun bounced off her head, giving her hair a glossy shine. My fingers twitched to feel her hair. But that desire would stay hidden. Instead, I patted down my own hair and tucked it behind my ears.

  The corner of her mouth tilted up. “Just beer pong. That’s the plan for tonight. Some of the Lambda Rhos and members of the football team are stopping by.” She turned to me. “You should come.”

  Watching Arielle and Quarterback relive their freshman year together wasn’t my idea of fun, even though she had moved on. But had he? From what I’d witnessed, I didn’t think so.

  “I don’t drink beer. I’m underage, remember?”

  “We’ll have soda and water also.” She lifted my almost-empty can and shook it. “I’m one of the few AGP sisters who doesn’t drink alcohol.”

  “Really? Is that why the party was a dry one?”

  “It was technically a dry party because we invited the underclassmen, but harder stuff was passed around.” She met my eyes. “After you left.”

  “I left while you were hugging your brother. I didn’t know who he was at the time.” A sting jabbed the middle of my chest. I hated to admit it, but I had been jealous. Not only was Arielle very easy with people, both men and women, but she was a big flirt, probably with a long line of men behind her.

  Something flashed in her eyes, almost a dare or a taunt. But she just arched an eyebrow. “If you’d stayed, I would have introduced you to Will. He would have read your aura or treated you to some Reiki.”

  If I had still been drinking, I would have choked. “Huh?”

  “He loves that new age shit and reading tarot cards,” she said, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

  “What’s his major?” I asked.

  “He hasn’t decided on one yet, but he’s interested in social work, especially with children.” A small smile appeared, and tenderness crossed her face.