Rage to Live Read online

I sucked in a deep breath, choking on it. These were the types of thoughts that made me want to hide in a room. The irony now was that I hid in a room, but it was more of a lounge with tables and chairs. It must have been used as some sort of study room, even though it didn’t have a door. I sat in the corner on one of the couches, staring at the entrance and waiting for Tris to find me. She would either apologize for her assumption that I would commit suicide, or be angry I was upset at her for thinking I might jump.

  Either way, it would be one hell of an awkward meeting.

  I traced the white line on the inside of my left wrist with my nail as I tucked my knees to my chest. Setting my chin on my knees, I took out my cell, scrolling through my pictures. I had a new one taken yesterday of me and Jo. She’d stuck out her tongue and made a peace sign. I looked bored and uninterested. Beau had photobombed the picture by sneaking in between us and opening his mouth wide. Jo had tried pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop antagonizing us. She then grabbed his head in a choke hold, stopping us from taking more pictures.

  My thumb hovered over the Delete button. I didn’t recognize myself. It had been too long since I’d gotten a good look at my face, even when I saw my reflection in a mirror. Dad had never replaced the bathroom mirror after my episode. I wondered if he’d warned Aunt Eloise and Uncle Abe that I couldn’t be trusted around mirrors, glass, or any other pointed objects. Did he tell them I might want to add a scar to my right wrist to match the left?

  “Hey.” Tris stood in the doorway.

  The moment of truth had arrived. I looped my arms around my legs and dug my chin into my knees. “I was waiting for you to stop by.”

  “Can I come in, or do you still need alone time?” she asked, hesitant.

  “Don’t you have to finish painting your bedroom?”

  “Jo’s helping Nisha. I just came down from the roof with Arielle.” She rubbed her shoulder on the doorframe.

  Great. Arielle must think I was certifiable now, if Tris had given her the FYI on me.

  “What did you tell her about me?”

  She didn’t bother to ask again for permission to enter. She grabbed a chair at one of the tables and swung it around so the back faced me. She straddled it when she sat, her arms hanging over the top. “I told her you’re my cousin who’s starting her senior year at Albee with Jo. She said it was nice meeting you.”

  “Nice,” I huffed. “She probably thinks I’m a basket case because of how I reacted when we met on the roof, and then when I stormed off after you accused me of wanting to jump.”

  She lowered her head and pressed her forehead on the top of the chair. “I’m sorry for what I said. It was wrong of me.”

  “You know how I harmed myself after I was—” The words caught in my throat. I tried to find them again. “—hurt at the graduation party.”

  If Tris found it odd that I used “hurt,” she didn’t act like it. She lifted her face. The wood from the chair had left a red line at the top of her forehead. “Your dad and my mom share everything. He had to in order for my parents to be okay with you staying at my house.”

  I showed her the inside of my wrist. “You know how I got this scar.”

  “Yes. I know how and why you did it.” Pity laced her voice.

  I dug my fingers into my waist where Byron had punched me. “I don’t want your pity. I made a mistake. That’s why I didn’t cut my other wrist. If my dad hadn’t come in, I would have stopped.”

  She folded her hands, squeezing them tightly. “You were in the hospital on suicide watch.”

  A week. A long, hellish week, drugged and sedated with only my thoughts to keep me busy, but not sane. But I couldn’t fault Dad for admitting me. He wanted to save me, so I promised I wouldn’t harm myself again. When he brought up Mom, and how she left him alone, I would try my best to keep my word.

  “I made a promise to my dad. He made me promise him again when he told me your parents would take me in for the year. I won’t harm myself or others. That means no ‘accidental’ tumbles off roofs,” I said in irritation and dropped my feet to the floor. “I won’t embarrass you or your family.”

  “You’re worried you’re embarrassing me?” Her voice was a borderline shriek as she rose from the chair. “That’s the least of my problems.”

  “Then what’s your problem? You’re not responsible for me.” I jumped up from the couch. “Don’t take me on as your pet project. You can’t heal me! No one can!” My yell bounced off the walls.

  She pressed her palm against her forehead and sniffed. If she broke down in tears, I wasn’t sure how I would act. I wouldn’t let her see me so weak and fragile. I didn’t want to feel that way. I wanted to feel nothing.

  I marched to the open doorway. “I’m taking a walk to clear my head.”

  “Walk where?” Tris asked in a small voice.

  “On campus. Don’t follow me.”

  She nodded and wiped her face.

  Rattled more than when I’d been on the roof, I left the room. But I froze, spotting Arielle and Jo in the hallway. Startled that they might have heard me and Tris, I hurried away in the opposite direction and went down the stairs. I opened the front door and ran outside, not stopping even as my stomach cramped and black spots appeared in front of my eyes.

  “GUILT SUCKS,” I said to Matilda over the phone.

  “What are you feeling guilty about now?” she asked.

  Resting against the tree, I watched a bunch of guys play tag football. One team wore shirts, the other just skin. A sweet view. These guys had amazing muscles. I could appreciate the male form even though I would have liked some athletic girls in the mix.

  “I had a fight with my cousin Tris. She thought I was going to jump off the roof of her sorority house today,” I said, pulling on the grass next to me.

  Matilda inhaled loud enough that it sounded like static. “Wow, not cool.”

  I snorted. “Just because I slashed my wrist with broken glass doesn’t mean I’d jump off a roof.”

  Besides Dad, Matilda was the only one who knew how much I’d suffered this past year, including all my doubts, fears, and self-blame for being raped. She wouldn’t judge, but would be a sounding board, giving me advice like she always had. I took it to heart now, because before my attack, there were times I’d blown her off, all because of Larissa.

  “Where are you now?” Concern lined her voice.

  “I took a walk to calm down and ended on Maison’s campus, a few streets away from Greek Row. I’m sitting under a tree in the quad watching a flag football game.” A buff black guy playing for the skins caught the ball. He ran into the end zone, making a touchdown. He then ended up doing some silly dance. “You’d love the eye candy here.”

  “They’re probably all jocks. At least the college I’m going to rewards brains over brawn.” The disgust was clear in her voice. Matilda was more into guys in the band or in glee club. She was a proud, self-proclaimed lover of all things geek. That’s what had made her decide to stay close to home and commute thirty minutes to a respected technical school with an incredible engineering and science program.

  The majority of the flag football-playing guys did look like jocks, reminding me of my old high school’s sports teams. Underwood was big on football and baseball, so most players for both teams scored sports scholarships for college. More than a few ended up playing professional sports. Byron, as star pitcher for Underwood’s baseball team, had a good shot at the pros even after what he’d done to me.

  “I can’t believe you visited a sorority house.”

  I laid my head back on the tree, enjoying the warm breeze tickling my face. “I met Tris’s roommate and the president of the sorority.” Arielle’s face and friendly smile flashed in front of my eyes. “Both girls are beautiful, like Victoria’s Secret model beautiful.”

  “Did you talk to them? Maybe got a vibe they swing your way?”

  I burst out laughing before I could stop. My hyena laugh made a squirrel a few feet away stop burro
wing in the grass and run around in circles. I compressed my lips to quiet down—I didn’t want to scare the local wildlife.

  “Score one for me,” Matilda said in an almost throaty tone. It had been a long time since I’d laughed like that. Even though my laugh was beyond annoying.

  “You’re the only one who loves my insane laugh.” I flicked away the grass I’d been yanking and turned back to the football game when I heard cheers. The black guy from earlier had made another touchdown. This time his dance consisted of him bending down and twerking. Loud claps and applause filled the air. When he finished, he faced my direction and stared. I cut my gaze away and hunched over my lap with the phone to my ear.

  “It must be hard living near the college and not being a student there. Are you dealing with it okay?” Matilda asked.

  “Starting my senior year at a new school is difficult, but Jo can help me since she’s in the same class. Maybe I can get a job on campus so I feel like I’m a student.” I thrust aside my bitterness and concentrated on Matilda. I had to get past the regrets and the things stolen from me. I bent down farther over my lap, enjoying the stretch in my lower back. “I’m invited to a party next Saturday at AGP, Tris’s sorority. They’re hosting it, and Paul’s frat to welcome the incoming freshman and any new students.”

  “You’re going, right?” Matilda’s voice raised in excitement. She wasn’t the type who’d enjoy these parties, but if going helped me move forward, she was all for it.

  “Probably. If I don’t, Tris and Jo will find a way to make me go. But now I’m not sure because of my fight with Tris.” I closed my eyes and took some deep inhales. “The president, her name is Arielle, may have overheard me and Tris arguing. Great way to make a first impression.” I couldn’t remember if I’d seen disappointment or scorn coming from Arielle as I ran out of the house. Still, I was embarrassed, because she had probably formed an opinion of me, especially after the strange way I’d acted on the roof and Tris’s comments about me jumping.

  “Maybe you should talk to Tris when you’re in a better frame of mind. I bet she feels awful about the whole thing. You should do it before the party so you can enjoy yourself,” Matilda recommended, as I’d assumed she would.

  “I probably will. If I don’t fix things with Tris, it will be just one more thing to add to my list.”

  “List? What list?”

  Failure. Defeat. Shame. Those three things trailed me like shadows, choking me in their cruel grip until I wanted to roll in a ball or hide in my bed with the covers over my head. But now the bed I slept in and the covers were borrowed. Almost everything I owned had been taken away from me.

  “Charlie, you still there?” Matilda’s voice broke through, bringing me back to the present. The sun’s rays had weakened behind the clouds, and the football game had ended. An eerie feeling rushed over me, and goose bumps rose on my arms.

  “Someone walked over my grave,” I murmured, rubbing my arms.

  “Charlie,” Matilda’s spoke sharply, a loud crack that erased the fuzziness in my head. “Don’t make me hop on some dirty and smelly bus and slap you.”

  I held back a laugh. Matilda had a big phobia of buses. She practically had a conniption whenever she had to ride one.

  “I miss you, but I won’t pretend to have a meltdown just to get you to come visit.” Another sense of loss hit me. I was afraid the distance between us might ruin our friendship. If that happened, the place I was in now would become much darker and more frightening.

  “The next three months will fly by. I’ll be on your doorstep as early as possible on December 26.”

  “It’s not my doorstep.” I sat up and kicked out my legs to remove the kinks. The pins and needles made me groan.

  She must have mistaken my groan for misery, not that she was far off. “You miss your old life and your home.”

  “Too many bad memories there. It’s not like we can go back to Underwood after everything that happened.” Even though Dad had tried to protect me, too many people knew about that night.

  Matilda had shielded me from the talk and gossip at school, which wasn’t too difficult since I hadn’t gone back. But it had to be hard on her, because the kids there must have prodded her for information, hoping she’d spill juicy details.

  “I can always give you an update on what’s happening in Underwood,” she offered.

  “As in what’s been reported in the newspaper, like local sports or local crime?” I asked, knowing she meant something totally different.

  “Or specific people.”

  “Like… La-Larissa?” There. I asked. Saying her name this time hadn’t made me heave.

  Matilda went silent, which wasn’t normal for her. She wasn’t the type to go mute, even when I shocked her.

  “You still there?” I threw her words back at her.

  She made a sound like a cough. “What if I have new information about Larissa?”

  For some reason hearing Larissa’s name didn’t make me jumpy the way it used to. I still had trouble saying her name without stammering or feeling a chill down my back, but I’d made progress, because my reactions were becoming less violent.

  Did I want to know about Larissa? She had been an important part of my life for so long.

  “I don’t want to know anything new about her.” I shaded my eyes with my hand as the light from the sun poked through the branches of the tree I sat under. Across the field I caught sight of Tris and Jo. They must have seen me, because they strode through the stragglers from the football game toward me.

  “Matilda, I have to go. My cousins are here,” I said, rising to my feet.

  “Okay. Take care. Love you,” she said and hung up.

  She always ended our calls with “take care” and “I love you.” Never “goodbye.” The last time she had said goodbye to me was the day I’d slashed my wrist in the bathroom.

  The sisters stopped a few feet away from me as if they wanted to keep their distance. They both looked relieved.

  I could have welcomed them with some snarky remark about how I wasn’t interested in jumping off any roofs or out of a tree, but it probably wouldn’t have gone over well. I had a feeling Tris would tell her mother, and I really didn’t want a lecture or to have to explain myself.

  “Finished painting?” I pocketed my cell.

  “For now.” Tris didn’t shuffle her feet the way Jo did. She met my gaze straight on until I looked away.

  “I would have found my way back home. You didn’t have to find me,” I said.

  “We came over together, and we’ll go home together. Jo and I wouldn’t let you walk home alone.” Tris shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.

  But it was. The meaning behind her statement was loud and clear. The constricting grip in my chest lessened. We would talk eventually about what happened back at the sorority house, but for now it was forgotten.

  I started walking ahead, but Jo and Tris joined me on either side, as though we were a team. And when Jo linked her arm with mine, I let her.

  Chapter FIVE

  I HELD the lipstick up to my mouth but didn’t get too far with it because my hand shook. The last time I’d worn makeup of any kind had been the night of the graduation party. I flung the tube across the room and dragged my hands through my hair, which Jo had spent a half hour styling.

  I wasn’t ready for this. Even though I was dressed to party in a flashy silver sequin top and black skinny pants Jo and Aunt Eloise had recommended I buy along with other outfits for the school year, I felt like a fraud. The shiny outside package hid the damaged one inside. No amount of new clothes or makeup would change me. I had tried being something I wasn’t when I was with Larissa. She’d recommended what I should wear and how I should do my hair, and what shade of lipstick—

  I landed back on the bed, kicking my feet in the air. I wanted to kick something solid.

  The floor creaked. Aunt Eloise stood in the doorway with the lipstick I’d tossed. “You don’t care for this color?”
>
  “Not exactly.” I sat up, digging my fingers into the bedspread. “I can’t do this.”

  “Can’t do what?” She set the lipstick on Jo’s dresser. “Wear lipstick?”

  “Can’t go to the party.” I slapped the bed. “Shouldn’t you and Uncle Abe want me and Jo to stay home? Why would you be okay with us going to a college party?”

  “I trust Jo. She’s a good kid who doesn’t get into trouble. I also know I can trust Tris and Paul to watch out for her.” She sat on Jo’s bed. “She’s been going to the AGP sorority house ever since Tris became a sister. The girls there treat her like one of their own and are protective of her, like Tris and Paul are. This is the first college party I’m letting her attend, because she’s old enough to behave.”

  She had a lot of faith in her kids. I didn’t see the maturity in Jo like her mom did, but I had been to some crazy parties once I entered high school. There had been drinking and other sketchy things going on. But from the way the twins talked about this party, alcohol wouldn’t be served because the guests of honor were freshmen. But that wouldn’t stop some from bringing in booze on the sly to liven things up.

  “And what about me? You want me to be Jo’s chaperone also?”

  “I want you to have fun and meet new people. If you do decide to attend Maison next year, it would help if you know some of the students there.” Aunt Eloise was too optimistic that I would graduate high school this year, let alone go to college. What if I wanted to go someplace where no one knew who I was? A total stranger who could invent a new past?

  “I can’t think that far ahead.” I tried to take each day at a time. Some days it was too hard to get out of bed. If not for Jo getting me up, I wouldn’t have left the bedroom most of the time.

  Aunt Eloise didn’t offer any advice or comment. I still waited for her to ask about the whole roof thing, but she’d never brought it up. Maybe Tris hadn’t told her?

  She smoothed away a wrinkle on the bedding, and a sad smile appeared. “I wish you would think ahead, because it would tell me you care about your future.”