Christmas Angel Read online

  “Do you want to go over what you’ve read?”

  Did he? “No. Yes. I want to say I’m lucky.” He blurted that; afraid the flow of words might dry up, never mind the disjointed declaration.

  “Lucky?”

  If he ever took her by surprise, most times she hid it well. Overall, the emphasis occurred in the lilt of her voice, the same cadence he heard now.

  “Does that sound so strange? I’ve no specific religious beliefs that worry me. My family’s supportive. I’m confused, but not so much by my feelings for Jay, more as to the reasons why…I think. What struck me is that a few of the forums I went into, the comments…Men and women, their experiences and thoughts varied so much. They rated themselves in different ways. Many claimed they had more of an emotional attachment to one sex, more of a sexual attachment to the other.”

  “That is one facet for a number of people as we discussed.”

  “But reading actual accounts made it more real. I hadn’t considered them as two separate things before though of course they are.”

  “And that doesn’t apply to you?”

  “No. I mean, Jay…he…” Satisfies? Fulfils? Both and neither felt right. Dean wanted to say Jay was all he needed, but that brought him back to his key problem—he didn’t know. “Some get more from one than the other. Emotional fulfilment with one sex, physical with the other, but with Jay, I love him mentally, emotionally, and physically.” That was as close as he would admit to how great he found the sex.

  “Sounds like what most of us hope for in a partner.”

  “Yes.”

  “But?”

  There always had to be a but.

  “What if one day you’re right and things change for me? What if one day it isn’t enough?”

  The statement echoed in his mind, tormenting him more than he’d expected. Saying so made his worries real. A pause ensued. Candice’s gaze narrowed though she might not be aware of it.

  “You’re scared.”

  Was he? Was it fear he heard in his voice? Had she noticed it?

  “I…I guess so. I fear hurting Jay. I f-fear everyone may be right. If I ever think that way…Won’t that mean me hiding it from Jay? Living with a need, suppressing it. Isn’t that unhealthy for me, unhealthy for the relationship?”

  Candice took a moment. She never appeared to blurt out an answer. At first, he’d taken it as a way of using up minutes. His cynicism worked overtime—he’d assumed she delayed to make him pay more. He realised she never second-guessed her words, made sure they were correct before she spoke.

  “Let me run something by you to make it simple for us both. You’ve been reading online as I told you.” He nodded. “And I’m sure you’ve come across many comments and stories about openly gay men, or men who have experienced homosexual desires who have suppressed them, leading them to live unhappy lives, or causing the breakdown of their relationship.”

  Dean gave her another nod, this one more hesitant.

  “From what you’ve just told me…this is what you fear?”

  She knew damn well it was, and damn psychologists to hell for voicing everything as a question.

  “Are you struggling with the urge to be with a woman?”

  “I…” Dean performed a self-check, amused to do so. He nearly replied in the affirmative, but now he paid attention to the idea…”No. I mean, not right this moment.”

  “Have you experienced any such urges since you’ve been with Jay?”

  “No.” He pushed a weak disgruntlement into his tone. “I’ve been attracted to a few women.”

  “Attracted, but you’ve not longed to act on those feelings?”

  “Well…” Dean’s jaw worked, going up and down, side to side. He made a conscious effort to stop. “No.”

  “Then why are you so concerned?”

  Was she dim? “Because it could happen.”

  Candice Hemingway had a good professional face. Though she must have thoughts from time to time, he was sure she never said everything that came to mind, and her expression seldom changed from pleasant and attentive.

  “Say it. I’m a big boy. I can take it.”

  She gave him one of her softer smiles. “Nothing bad. I would suggest a lot in life could happen.”

  “You mean aliens might have as good a chance of invading as my cheating.”

  “I wouldn’t use that analogy, but I find it interesting you have.”

  Was it? Well, he had picked something unlikely. “You’re saying it may not happen, and that makes me an idiot for worrying.”

  “Again, your words, not mine. However, I dispute the idiot. It says much about your personality that this bothers you…and makes you so anxious. Have you seen Minority Report?”

  “The film? Yes.”

  “Well, I don’t have that type of technology at my disposal and neither do you. If I did, I’d consider it fallible. I, nor you, can predict the future. Dean…every relationship runs that risk of disintegrating. Every couple faces the possibility that one might not always meet, or be able to meet, the needs of the other. And it doesn’t always happen because of a wandering eye. Sometimes a partner becomes physically unable to fulfil sexual needs, for example.”

  “That’s hardly the same thing.”

  “It still puts a strain on a relationship. It still needs dealing with.” She looked considering. “One can say fulfilment is what many relationships are about. They’re about love, of course, but part of that love is providing the other with what that person needs. We also search for someone we hope can and will satisfy our own needs in turn. That may be a mutual love of science fiction, or dogs, or the wish to go for long walks as much as it can be to have someone willing to take care of you when you’re sick. Or to sit by your bed when dying. But the needs of people can change, and many relationships flounder because one person can no longer meet those changed needs. I can only tell you that in the cases I’ve counselled, most have at least tried. That both or one of those in the relationship has sought my counsel speaks for an unwillingness to give in, a wish to compromise, to find mutual ground rather than to lose what each person has found in each other.”

  She held back a few seconds and then asked, “Care to share your thoughts now?”

  One habit Candice had forced on him was to reply without hesitation. In her presence, anyway. “People too often think the grass is greener and by the time they realise what they’ve lost it’s too late. And I don’t mean just sex. I’m thinking for whatever reason the break-up occurred. Whatever need they felt wasn’t met.”

  Candice was nodding. “Sometimes the need is genuine, and important, and the partner isn’t fulfilling a role in the relationship that is reasonable to expect. But yes, Dean, many don’t even try to address the issue and they later have to live with regret.”

  “I get that,” Dean stared at the floor, hands hanging between his legs. He lifted his gaze to her face. “The thing is…if I ever want someone else, I already know what I will lose.”

  “Which is part of the reason you’ve come here.”

  “That and I don’t want to hurt Jay, but yeah.” That put his feelings mildly. The thought of hurting Jay…the more he focused on the possibility, the more abhorrent it felt. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

  “Oh god!” Dean let his head fall back. He stared at the ceiling, shook his head. “I’m selfish even in this.”

  “Care to explain?”

  He wanted to. Didn’t know how. Said so.

  “Just let the words flow.”

  Words flow…Okay.

  “I’m a jack the lad. A joke. I always had a reputation with women. Deservedly so. There was a good side and a bad side to that.” Dean grinned despite his doing so making him feel sick. “My reputation didn’t put the women off, and they often got what they wanted…what they expected.”

  Doubtful he’d blush over the question of sex but he grew warm. “The good side was I got laid on a regular basis and few women expected more than that.�
� He’d always been honest with them, but he didn’t think pointing that out would earn him points with Candice, and she was here to help, not judge; she had told him so.

  “The bad?”

  Trust her to bring up the Yin-Yang of the case.

  “No woman expected a serious relationship from me.”

  “Did you?”

  “What?”

  “Did you ever expect a serious relationship? To settle down?”

  “One day.” Dean shrugged. “Doesn’t everyone?”

  “No. But I’d say the majority of people hope so. Did you ever look for love?”

  “Look?”

  “A contrived search. Go on blind dates. Take a woman out with the question in the back of your mind that something might occur lasting more than a few hours. Did you ever see a woman with the idea of seeing her again?”

  “I saw a number of women more than once. A few times. A few weeks or months.” In rare cases, but it had happened.

  “Was that by accident or intent? Did you…go with the flow? Hope for more? Did you ever have dinner with a woman wondering if she was The One?”

  Owing to her emphasis, Dean pictured the last two words capitalised and as good as dancing in the air in front of his eyes. “No.”

  “A fast answer.”

  “You’re the one who told me not to hesitate. To say the first thing to pop into my mind.”

  “I did.” She was nodding again, but this time she tilted her head as if examining him from another angle. Odd the idea came to mind, for he feared she might be. “I told you to do that because there’s a greater chance you’ll reveal the truth. Oh not to me,” she added when he scowled at her. “We’re here for your benefit. Essentially you’re telling me you’ve never tried to find love.”

  “No.”

  “Then how did you expect to find someone?”

  He gave her another shrug. “Guess I thought I’d just meet the right person one day. What?” This time he could not ignore the change in her expression—too subtle to interpret, but too strong to disregard.

  “You sound surprised by the idea of people searching.”

  “Do they really do that?”

  “They do.” Her gaze narrowed and darted, trapping him as a fly caught on the end of a predator’s tongue. “And you know it. But you believe saying so will annoy me.”

  “Maybe. I’m not sure what I feel. I guess I never believed people find what they’re looking for when they’re searching for it.” Shoulders lifting in yet another shrug, Dean changed the gesture into a shoulder roll. “And you’d be right. The reasons people are looking for love in the first place often get in the way.”

  “What are those reasons?” Candice leaned back, expression serious, giving him the impression she genuinely wanted to hear his views.

  “Numerous. Some people seek love from others because they don’t feel that loveable themselves. Or they think they don’t honestly deserve love.”

  One of her perfect eyebrows rose, which caused Dean to laugh.

  “No,” Candice said, “I don’t suppose a lack of self-love applies to you. I find it more interesting that you say you never searched.”

  “And I told you I don’t think people often find what they look for while searching. If anything, my relationship with Jay proves that.” He hadn’t sought love with another man.

  “True, but when did you expect things to change for you?” She waited a beat. “I’ll phrase it another way.” He must have given her a blank stare. “Did you intend never to search? Never to let a friend set you up? To never register with, say, a dating agency?”

  “No. I never considered doing that. Well, I’m not proud to say this so I guess I have changed, but had I done those things it would have been with the purpose of getting laid, not long-term romance.”

  “No apology needed. You wouldn’t be the first, man or woman, to do something like that. What I’m getting at is you appear somewhat more willing to leave your future to chance than most. You’re saying you never wondered if any of your dates were The One. You never actively looked for someone. You were happy to leave things to luck, or fate, to the happy happenstance of the right person crossing your path.”

  “Appears to have worked, doesn’t it?”

  “Has it? You’re the one here worrying about your sexuality and your relationship.”

  She might as well have slapped him across the face.

  Chapter 7

  “What criteria does this person have to meet?”

  “Criteria?” She had to be joking. “It’s not like I had a list.” He glanced at his watch. “Aren’t we about up?”

  “No, and you’re my last appointment of the day. I’d like you to keep talking if you can spare the time.”

  And the pounds. He thought it, but didn’t say it. Might be untrue and mean of him.

  “Continue. What do you expect to feel for someone with whom you’d like to spend the rest of your life?”

  “Wellllll…It would be more than a passing affection.”

  “You mean love?”

  A weird warm and cool feeling crawled over his scalp and down his neck. Took Dean a minute to recognise it as embarrassment. “Yes,” he said, trying not to make the word sound tight. “Someone I loved. Someone I shared things in common with. A person to…laugh with.” He hadn’t considered that important, but it was.

  “Good sex?”

  He grinned. “One would hope. Someone with whom I felt comfortable. I’d want to be myself, to relax.” He meant in everything he wanted to do in relation to sex but didn’t want to elaborate.

  “And what would you seek to do for this person?”

  “All the things you said. Taking care of. Loving.”

  “Fulfilling this person’s needs?”

  “Yes.” He became wary.

  “Would you expect to look elsewhere if you found such a person?”

  “Of course not.”

  “So you can commit, to the right person?”

  “Yes.” He’d always believed so.

  “Is family a deal breaker? Not that gay couples can’t have children.”

  Time stopped. Dean stared at Candice and she gazed back. The temperature in the room dropped. His skin became tight.

  “You’re talking about Jay.”

  “Am I?”

  “You know damn well you are.”

  Candice shook her head. “I merely asked what you expected to find in a person you love enough with whom to settle.”

  “Knowing full well I’d list Jay’s attributes.”

  “I couldn’t tell that.”

  “You gambled.”

  Candice said nothing, and she didn’t need to. She had played him, but he moved the pieces on the board. Jay met the ‘criteria’. She made the point well.

  “Fine. I love Jay. Tell me something I don’t know.”

  “Very well. I’ll end by saying that if you’re here looking for someone to condemn you for something you’ve not done, I can’t do that. If what you want is a punishment for something that’s not happened, it won’t come from me. You’re trying to reach understanding, which is a good thing, but you’re more self-aware than many who come here.”

  He must have given away something of his feelings in his expression for she said, “You don’t think so? You have shortcomings but you’re aware of them. Many display far worse arrogant behaviour and see nothing wrong with it. You may say things only to regret them a second later…”

  Dean winced.

  “The good thing is you do suffer that regret. Some things I want you to consider for next time, but we’ll discuss that in a moment. I have more homework for you to do before we meet again, and I want to go over it with you now.”

  * * * *

  The front door slammed. Jay blinked, eyes sore, gaze flicking to the top right corner of his computer screen to the clock display.

  Hell, he’d sat for five hours straight, since lunchtime. Crumbs on a plate were all that remained of a hasty lunch. A hu
nk of cheese, crackers, an apple, and a few grapes were all he’d consumed with a mug of tea. No wonder he was thirsty. Bad habit falling into work; not good for his eyes, his backside, back, whole body. At least the time flew. So much for good intentions—he’d not got ingredients out of the freezer for dinner. What were they going to eat?

  He rolled his neck, trying to get the kinks out of his muscles, and winced at an audible crack. Dean would give him hell for not taking a break. Maybe he wouldn’t ask, wouldn’t wonder about dinner, wouldn’t see the plate buried under a pile of papers.

  “Hey.” Jay gave Dean a sleepy-sounding welcome, saved his work. Dean marched into their home office, reaching the desk in a few strides. Jay took his hands from the keys, but not his eyes until the programme copied to the cloud, though he swivelled his chair. Finally, he turned his head for a kiss…

  “Hey!” This time he shouted in protest. Jay grabbed the arms of the chair as Dean jerked it around, one hand going to the back of Jay’s neck. The other man’s mouth found his, tongue pressing home. Jay opened. Dean explored, not gentle, not rough, but thorough. Eyes closed, lips ensnared, Jay couldn’t tell what was happening. Fumbling. A sound…Took a moment to register the noise as the chink of a belt buckle unfastening, followed by the sound of a zip being pulled on.

  Surely, Dean wasn’t…As much as Dean pushing his dick between Jay’s lips with such little preamble offended Jay on some level, damn if it didn’t set his nerves sparking. Lust in motion.

  Should he fend off the man? Should he tell Dean it wasn’t the right thing to come home and shove his dick in, uninvited? Oh…but…Arousal uncoiled, made him harden. If Dean tried to force his way in…anywhere, Jay wouldn’t say a word.

  A hard, long, thick, and weighty heat filled his palm. What the hell was going on?

  “Dean?” Jay’s whisper snagged in his throat and came out rasping. Did Dean even hear? So many questions revolved in Jay’s mind: What are you doing? Why? What makes you think you can take me for granted? What will you do if I refuse? Why haven’t you forced your way into my mouth?