Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? Read online

  How to Think Like a Lady and Still Get the Man

  Shanae Hall and Rhonda Frost

  www.fgpbooks.com

  Copyright © 2010 by Shanae Hall and Rhonda Frost. All rights reserved.

  Published by Dr. Farrah Gray Publishing, Inc.

  P.O. Box 33355 Las Vegas 89133, USA

  eISBN13: 978-0-9827-0274-1

  eISBN10: 0-9827-0274-4

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to all women who are ready to ask themselves, “What could I have done differently to get what I wanted out of the relationship?” or “How do I heal now that I’m out of it?”

  To my three loving kids, Nya, Iliah, and my handsome son, Cory Jr. Thank you for being my motivation to continue to live life to the fullest.

  —Shanae Hall

  To my children—Shanae, Janelle, Moriah, and Gibraun— and to my mom Bonnie who taught me in many ways, unbeknownst to her, how to strive for better.

  —Rhonda Frost

  Acknowledgments

  I want to send a special thank you to all the men who took time out of their day to be interviewed (more aptly, grilled) by us. I must give a huge thank you to Cedric The Entertainer for being one of the most honest men that I know, and for the wonderful endorsement. Today, I am a better and wiser person because of the men that God has put in my life.

  —Shanae Hall

  A heartfelt thank you goes out to all the men in my life who opened my eyes to the truth about how men really think. I want to thank my daughter Shanae for her strength, courage, wisdom, humor, and blunt talks about dating standards, even when it was uncomfortable. It is because of her, in part, that I changed how I dated, raised the bar, and reaffirmed my self-worth. I want to thank “Speedy” for taking the time to sit down and talk to us, for his honesty in sharing the raw, uncut version of relationships between men and women and how most men think. I want to thank my daughter Janelle for asking the questions. I also want to thank Roderick for his impact on my life and his support of this project.

  —Rhonda Frost

  Contents

  Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man?

  Introduction

  Part One

  What Do Men Really Want?

  Chapter 1: You Can’t Change Him

  Chapter 2: The Married Man

  Chapter 3: The Single Guy

  Chapter 4: The Man Looking for Love

  Chapter 5: Goat Roaches

  Part Two

  Getting What You Need from the Man You Are With

  Chapter 6: Setting Standards with a Capital “S”

  Chapter 7: Why Did I Get Married?

  Chapter 8: Understanding Your Baggage

  Chapter 9: Differentiating Needs from Wants

  Chapter 10: Knowing Your Place

  Chapter 11: Goodies Have Power,

  So Use Them Wisely

  Part Three

  Confidence Is Key

  Chapter 12: Finding Yourself

  Chapter 13: Knowing Your Worth

  Chapter 14: Bonus Chapter

  How to Make Him Want, Respect,

  and Keep You

  Chapter 15: What Men Need to Know

  Chapter 16: At the End of the Day

  References

  Afterword

  Preface

  Ladies, when you were born, God gave you a mind to think with and a heart to feel with. He gave you intuition to use as your personal crystal ball to see through truth and lies, as well as the good and bad in people. As you grew up, your mind and your intuition were either nurtured or stifled by events and people. If they were nurtured, they became more keen and aware. If they were stifled, they became dull and you tended not to trust them anymore. Our hearts were either well cared for and uplifted through loving connections and respect or broken by those who would look to decieve and hurt us. Too many broken hearts from lies and pain lead to a lack of trust in self and others. This renders your natural instincts helpless and places you in danger. This breakdown leads to poor choices in men and relationships and lowers self-esteem.

  For too many of us, this is our truth. We have given up our power and are lost. We no longer trust our God-given instincts or intuition to provide guidance. We have forgotten who we were created to be and what our purpose is.

  We wrote this book to remind you of who you are and to get you to see your greatness again.

  Each of us has experienced relationship love, happiness, and pain. Some of us know what it is like to try to hold on to people that we loved who didn’t love us back. Many of us can relate to making the decision to let go of relationships and dating habits that no longer serve our greater purpose. Here you will see some of those stories.

  If you are a reader of self-help or relationship books, you have undoubtedly heard of Dr. John Gray, the author of seventeen relationship books, that have sold 50 million books worldwide, including Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), the book that told us that men and women think differently. Perhaps you have heard of George Gilder, who authored Men and Marriage (Gretna: Pelican, 1986), the man who stated in no uncertain terms, “In virtually every known society, sex is regarded either as a grant by the woman to the man or as an object of male seizure. In most societies, the man has to pay for it with gifts or service.” His book goes on to say, “The male role in marriage . . . in every known human society, is to provide for women and children. In order to marry, in fact, . . . almost every human society first requires the man to prove his capacity to maintain the woman.” Or how about Hill Harper, the Harvard-educated actor turned author who wrote the popular dating book The Conversation (Penguin, 2009), who gave us a peek into dialogue about many subjects from black men dating white women to sistas and their attitudes. Each of these men humbly offers a peek into a male perspective on relationships. Then we have Steve Harvey who gave us Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (New York: HarperCollins, 2009) who told us many of the same things found in the earlier books, as well as how to think and how many days to wait before sex. He has promised us that if we play our cards right, we can learn how to find a man, get a man, and keep a man by following just a few crucial steps, straight from the handbook of the original player himself. His book got many of us talking and thinking a whole lot about these ideas, relationships, and dating. We’ll talk more about this book later.

  Ladies, to keep it all the way real, no one book has all the answers. If it did, there wouldn’t be a need for a new book, and there wouldn’t be news specials or forums on why women can’t find a husband or keep a man, even with all the knowledge and great advice that is out there. So why us, why now? Because it is time—it is time for some real girlfriend talk about the BS and about the state of our situation.

  This book is not written by a guru or self-proclaimed expert. The reason this book is relevant is because it is “straight talk, no chaser” (as Gena Pitts named it while discussing her article about the book in Pro-Sports Wives Magazine, December 2009) complete with dating revelations from women who look, think, and act like you; who have been through what you have been through and have decided enough is enough and that we can do better. No, we are not a man, so we don’t think like one, nor will we ever. We are emotional, strong, loving creators of this earth. Without whom nothing comes to life.

  This book of personal stories, interviews, quotes, and revelations will reinforce for you that our views resemble yours. Our walk, hurt, and pain will look and feel exactly like what you have been through. Our recovery and change is something palpable. Something you can feel, believe, and perhaps have experienced.

  If
what you are currently doing, reading, and saying is working for you, great! Keep doing it. If not, and you want to see a moving picture of relationship lessons from women as well as hear men’s comments and witness revolutionary advice that will work if you use it, then turn the page and let’s get this change started. As Brahma the king of the gods so eloquently stated to Siddhartha the enlightened one, “some of us perhaps have only a little dirt in our eyes and could awaken if we only heard ‘This’ story.” Let’s awaken together.

  Remember, information and advice should be consumed like you eat fish, eat the meat and take out the bones (my sister Carolyn gave me that one). Keep and use what works for you from all sources, spit out the rest and move on to the next source. Know that all the knowledge in the world only helps if you apply it to your situation, otherwise its just information. So open the door to Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? How to Think Like a Lady and Still Get the Man and let’s get this party “with a purpose” started.

  Introduction

  Shanae

  When I was thirteen, my mom received a job promotion that required our family to move from El Centro to Bakersfield, California. I was entering high school in a new city, but I must admit, Bakersfield was a step up from El Centro. At Stockdale High, located in a dusty town in the middle of California where only a handful of black people lived, I met the man who would help mold my current vision of what a man should and should not be. If I believed in love at first sight then, I would tell you that is what I felt when I met Cory Hall.

  I clearly recall standing in the hallway my freshman year, socializing with some of my classmates, when this guy walked up on the right side of me. He was so handsome. I had never seen a man who made me stop and stare before, but this guy did. I asked around to find out who he was and if he had a girlfriend. I was told that his name was Cory, he played football, and that he was either very shy or gay because he didn’t socialize with females much. I later found out he wasn’t gay and he was asking about me, too. He was too shy to ask me for my number, so he gave his to my friend who gave it to me. We began talking on the phone a lot and spending small amounts of time together outside of class. I told my mom and everyone I knew that I was going to marry him! I didn’t know when, I just knew he would be the “one” at some point in my life.

  Cory and I went on our first date when I was fifteen, and I quickly learned that boys will only become men if you force them to. Assuming I was like the other girls he had gone out with before, Cory thought he could take me on a date without any money—basically on a free date. Since I knew, even as a young girl, never to go on a date without any cash, I usually kept fifty dollars in my purse. I also knew that if a guy wanted to date me, he had better come correct.

  When Cory and I pulled up to the window at the drive-in movie theater, the attendant said, “Seven dollars, please.” Cory looked at me, and I looked back at him. Without even thinking of reaching into my purse to pull out my money, I told him to take me home and said, “Don’t ever go out with me with the expectation that I will pay!”

  Instead of taking me home, Cory drove us to his house to get a small check his dad had sent him. He then drove to Liquor King, a liquor store in the neighborhood that would cash checks, got his money, and drove us back to the drive-in. Once we were settled in, I showed Cory that I had money, and reiterated to him that I was not that kind of girl. “You can be a star athlete and one of the most beautiful men that I have ever seen, but you have to understand that it still costs to date me.” That moment was a building block in the foundation of our relationship. Cory now understood that if he wanted me to be his girl, he had to be a man when he was with me. We never had that discussion again.

  After high school, we moved in together and shared most of the bills. Because I worked at a bank and made more than his $526 football scholarship check, I bought most of the groceries and took care of the miscellaneous things that we needed. Cory always said, “When I make it to the NFL your only job will be the house, our kids, and being my wife,” and he kept his word. In 1999, Cory was the second pick of the third round in the NFL draft. A few weeks after the draft, he sent me a couple dozen roses with a note that said, “Yes, I will marry you!” I called and said, “Where is the ring?” He said, “I haven’t got my signing bonus yet, but as soon as it comes, I got you.” This is how my life began as an NFL wife.

  Rhonda

  I have spent half of my life either married or seeking a committed relationship. Some of the men I dated were decent, and some were just downright awful. I have stuck with guys who were broke and broken in spirit. I’ve been with the guy who needed a loan to help pay his bills, the guy who needed help getting a cell phone because his credit was bad, and the one who was always overdrawn on his account. Guess what? I loaned them money and paid some of their bills. Why? Because I could and wanted to show my “independence.” I have had the liar, the cheater, and some who were a combination of both. Back then it didn’t matter. I was just happy to have a man. I never thought about standards. Without an example of a “good man,” I simply followed my heart and became attached to what I thought was love, in the name of love. The end result was lose-lose all the way around.

  I had two children by the time I was seventeen years old. As a young, African American teenage mom from a broken home, the odds were stacked against me. Pushing through the odds, I obtained a job in Corporate America and worked diligently. And the hard work paid off. I was promoted every two to three years and proved to myself that I was in charge of my life. I controlled my own destiny. By the time I was thirty-two years old, I was the epitome of Ms. Independent. I had the new house, the new Rover, the designer shoes and clothes, and the well-dressed children. My relationships, however, were in complete turmoil. I still had a long way to go before I would figure it all out.

  Shanae and I hope that as you read this book, you will see the message behind the stories, laugh at the obvious, and be relieved to know that you are not the only one experiencing certain situations in your relationships. We also hope our stories will inspire and encourage you to take better care of yourself. Our ultimate goal is to help you build yourself up, to help eliminate unnecessary dating drama in your life, and encourage you to establish healthier relationships overall.

  Shanae

  What do men really want? That’s the billion-dollar question. It’s probably safe to assume that if anyone knew, Bill Clinton wouldn’t have risked impeachment; John Wayne Bobbitt would still have an intact penis; Steve McNair would be headed to the Pro Bowl; David Carradine would be working on his next film; and Neil Diamond, Michael Jordan, Mel Gibson, Steven Spielberg, and countless other men would be hundreds of millions of dollars richer. So, we won’t even attempt to answer that question.

  What we hope you will learn from this book is how to get the most out of your relationships and to explore what you need to work on within yourself to achieve this goal. Truly, you are the only one who can change yourself and therefore your circumstances.

  Let’s get started.

  Dating Game 101

  Have you ever had a relationship that fell apart for no obvious reason? Ever found out that the man you had fallen in love with or liked a whole lot was not the guy you thought he was? Ever been lied to, cheated on, or misled by a man? Have you ever gone through any of these scenarios and quite simply couldn’t think of anything else to say but, “What the hell just happened?” If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, we can relate because so have we! Many times we have asked, what the hell is going on in relationships today? Why should we have to “think like a man” when dating? Is that the only way to find relationship bliss? What do men want and what does it take to find love, commitment, and honesty in a relationship? Does it even exist? We found that in many of our dating experiences, the stories were the same. Whether the guys were rich or middle class, young or old, well educated or not, the bottom line was all men wanted something from us but many didn’t want to give anything in return. Men
wanted our goodies and our time for free.

  So what do we do? How do we set our standards so that we experience a win-win situation every time? How do we ensure that no matter how it turns out, we can walk away feeling like we spent our time well and benefited from the dating experience?

  First, you have to know your value as a woman. That means feeling comfortable expecting a particular level of treatment from anyone you encounter. God created us in His image, which is greatness, and we have to expect that same level of greatness from anyone we allow in our lives. Sadly, we can’t tell you how many conversations we’ve had with men and women who have equated having these expectations with some form of prostitution. Our question is: “So what is it called when we just lie down, expect nothing, and get nothing? What’s the label for that?” In our opinion, that example is just a fraction of the brainwashing that men have been able to get away with for decades. The sad part is that many of us have bought into it. Men today would like us to believe that we want too much if we ask for anything other than sex.

  Second, don’t let your independence get in the way of letting a man be a man. There are women who are proud to say, “I don’t want anything from a man!” These women relate well to the lyrics of Ne-Yo’s 2008 song, “Miss Independent,” which say:

  I love it when she says,

  “It’s cool, I got it, I got it, I got it”

  And everything she got, she works for it

  Or Jamie Foxx’s lyrics to “She Got Her Own” (the remix), which say:

  Now all my ladies that don’t need a man for nothing,

  except some of that good lovin’,

  Let me hear you say ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh . . .

  Ladies, please! As independent women ourselves, this is bullshit. We could sell ten million copies of this book and our position would still be the same. If you’re sleeping in it, “you” bought it; if you’re driving in it, “you” bought it; and if you’re eating it, best believe you bought it. Men have women thinking this mess is fly. We fully embrace and support independent women who have their own money and are able to do nice things for their men, but we are also strong advocates of allowing men the opportunity to demonstrate their manhood by serving as a provider. We invite you to explore this in more detail with us in later chapters.