The Onion Read online

  Love, Sex, and Other

  Natural Disasters

  Copyright © 2011 by Onion, Inc.

  theonion.com

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2011933424

  eISBN: 978-1-59474-555-3

  Typeset in Cheltenham, Franklin Gothic, Trade Gothic, and Utopia

  Designed by Katie Hatz

  Production management by John J. McGurk

  Quirk Books

  215 Church Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19106

  quirkbooks.com

  v3.1

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  News: 18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown

  News: Thousands Of High-School Sweethearts Prepare For Post-Graduation Breakup

  News: Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen

  News: No One Cares About Your Girlfriend Back Home

  Commentary: I’ve Left My Haltingly Awkward Voice Message; Now The Ball’s In Her Court

  Commentary: Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel Or Something To That Effect

  News: 20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

  News: Area Man Creeped Out By Request To ‘Make Love’

  News: New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour Fuckfest Didn’t Keep You Up

  News: Bar Skanks Announce Plan To Kiss

  News: Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports

  News: Ex-Girlfriend Don’t Want To Speak To You No More, New European Boyfriend Reports

  News: Date Disasterously Bypasses Physical Intimacy, Goes Straight To Emotional Intimacy

  News: Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe

  News: Supportive Gay Friend To Counsel American People On Ways Of Romance

  News: Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades

  News: Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date

  News: New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah

  News: SWM May Have Lied About Liking Sunsets, Long Walks

  News: Goth, Metalhead Overcome Subcultural Differences To Find Love

  News: Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

  News: Local Girlfriend Always Wants To Do Stuff

  News: S&M Couple Won’t Stop Droning On About Their Fetishes

  News: Area Girlfriend Still Hasn’t Seen Apocalypse Now

  News: Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

  News: Area Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up Scrabble Victory

  News: Boyfriend Ready To Take Relationship To Previous Level

  News: Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple

  News: New Girlfriend Tests Poorly With Peer Focus Group

  News: Girlfriend Changes Man Into Someone She’s Not Interested In

  News: Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors’ Marriage

  News: Breakup Hints Misinterpreted As Marriage-Proposal Hints

  News: Break-Up Made Easier With Colorful Visual Aids

  News: Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked

  News: Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride

  News: Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village

  News: Marriage Handled Amicably

  News: Amazon.com Recommendations Understand Area Woman Better Than Husband

  News: Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat

  Commentary: My Man’s Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me

  News: Lack Of Second Car Preserves Marriage

  News: Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband

  Commentary: Honey, I’m Not Going To Stand Here And Debate The Merits Of The First Two B-52’s LPs In Front Of The Whole Supermarket

  News: Butterfly Fuck-Swing Filled With Junk Mail

  Commentary: Maybe This Appearance On Jenny Jones Is Just What My Marriage Needs

  News: Hatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together

  Commentary: My Beloved, Would You Do Me The Honor Of Becoming The Fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard?

  NEWS

  18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown

  PESHTIGO, WI—In a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of Peshtigo.

  “They say God puts one special person on this planet who is your one true love,” said Muntner, who has left Marinette County twice in his life, both times for marching-band competitions in nearby Menominee. “It’s incredible, but I somehow found mine right here in the town where I’ve always lived. If that’s not fate, I don’t know what is.”

  Muntner, a 2001 graduate of Peshtigo High School, met Gaska, currently a junior at the school, in November 1999 in the student parking lot.

  Muntner and his one true love.

  “I was hanging out by my car with my buddy Bryan, and this really hot chick comes walking up,” Muntner said. “She asks us for a smoke, and I give her one of my Camels. So Bryan, who’s a good guy but kind of a goober, says, ‘What are you doing Saturday night?’ She says, ‘Nothing with you.’ Then, for some reason, I say, ‘How about me?’ and she smiles and says, ‘Sure.’ ”

  “That girl’s name, you ask?” Muntner continued. “Tammy Gaska.”

  “ ‘When she told me she wanted to eat at Schusslers Supper Club, I was like, ‘That’s my favorite place in town!’ What are the odds that out of Peshtigo’s five restaurants, we’d both like the same one?’ ”

  Relationship experts estimate that the chances of meeting someone in your lifetime that you fully connect with on a spiritual, intellectual, and physical level are one in 2.3 billion, making the geographic proximity of the soulmates nothing short of astonishing.

  “How often does a person find their one true love at all, much less in the tiny rural Wisconsin town where they grew up?” Muntner said. “That’s why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny [Corvo] a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just don’t give up on true love.”

  Muntner said he very nearly did not meet Gaska, making their union all the more incredible.

  “When I was in 10th grade, my dad got a job offer in Manitowoc, and we almost moved,” Muntner said. “If he’d taken the job, I would have never met Tammy. It’s pretty scary to think about how close that was to happening. Obviously, somebody up there wanted us to be together.”

  Muntner said he knew almost immediately that he and Tammy were “so meant to be together.”

  “I could tell on the first date that Tammy was Mrs. Right,” Muntner said. “When she told me she wanted to eat at Schussler’s Supper Club, I was like, ‘That’s my favorite place in town!’ What are the odds that out of Peshtigo’s five restaurants, we’d both like the same one?”

  While many of his friends have had to search the state, country, or at least somewhere outside a three-mile radius to find “The One,” Muntner said he is doubly blessed that Gaska lives a mere four blocks away.

  “My friend Rodney [Auer] has a girlfriend who lives all the way over in Oconto Falls,” Muntner said. “Sometimes, he doesn’t get to see her all week if something is wrong with his truck. I don’t think I could stand to be away from Tammy for that long.”

  “ ‘That’s why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny Corvo a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just don’t give up on true love.’ ”

  Muntner, who prior to meeting Gaska had
dated only two girls, one for five weeks and the other for two months, said he is amazed that he was able to find the perfect person so quickly—and in a town of only 3,400 people.

  “Tammy is really special.” Muntner said. “Most people who marry someone from their hometown just settle for whatever’s around. I’m glad I didn’t have to do that.”

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Love Letter Made Longer By Increasing Margins

  CRYSTAL BAY, NV—A half-page love letter written using Microsoft Word on Monday by Derek Glassburn, 19, to his girlfriend Amanda Tinker, 20, was expanded to a full page by increasing the document’s margins by nearly one quarter inch on all sides.

  “Even after saying that she was prettier than every girl I’ve ever dated, and that I loved her more than a bunch of stuff, [the letter] looked like I had put nothing into it,” Glassburn said. “Besides lengthening the margins, I changed the font from Times New Roman to Helvetica, upped the font size to 12.8 points, and put it all in bold.”

  Glassburn reportedly handed two pages to Tinker, deciding at the last second to add a cover page with the title “Amanda Tinker: Why I Love Her, An Essay By Derek R. Glassburn.”

  NEWS

  Thousands Of High-School Sweethearts Prepare For Post-Graduation Breakup

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a time-honored annual ritual, thousands of high-school seniors across the nation are cramming for final exams, trying on their graduation gowns, and preparing to break up with their longtime sweethearts.

  Jeff Reidel and Amy Pocoroba, one of the nation’s soon-to-break-up couples.

  “Amy is an amazing girl,” said Lancaster (OH) High School senior Jeff Reidel, who next week is planning to break up with Amy Pocoroba, his girlfriend of three and a half years. “I know we swore we’d be together forever, but, like me, she’s got a lot of exciting opportunities ahead of her, and it just wouldn’t be fair to her to keep her tied down.”

  Brianna Milbank, 17, a senior at Eisenhower High School in Prescott, AZ, said she plans to break up with boyfriend Chris Keegan in mid-July.

  “We’ve already got plans for a July 4 camping trip that I’m really excited about, so I definitely want to wait until after that,” Milbank said. “Chris is such an incredible guy, and these last two years have been amazing. But I just don’t think I can give him what he needs right now.”

  “ ‘Amanda has the most beautiful eyes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gazed into them, thinking they were the only ones I’d ever want to look into. But that was before I visied UC-Santa Cruz. The chicks there are so hot, it’s not even funny.’ ”

  As the seniors take one last look around the halls where they spent the past four years, they are also pausing to take one last look at the significant others they are about to dump.

  “Amanda has the most beautiful eyes,” said Trevor Hillegas of girlfriend Amanda Lum. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gazed into them, thinking they were the only ones I’d ever want to look into. But that was before I visited UC-Santa Cruz. The chicks there are so hot, it’s not even funny.”

  Hillegas said he has not closed the door on the possibility of getting back together with Lum, noting that he would still be open to the idea of the occasional hook-up with her while home during college breaks.

  For most high-school seniors, graduation is the time when they cast off the remnants of childhood while accepting the challenges of adulthood. So, too, must they cast off the adolescent relationships forged by convenience, geographic proximity, and limited social opportunity.

  “Jenny [Sykes] is the most beautiful girl in this school,” said Brent Decker, a senior at Lake Winola (PA) High School. “But our school has only 220 students, and Penn State has, like, 40,000. There’s no way she’d be the most beautiful on that campus.”

  Meanwhile, those slated to receive the dumpings remain confident that their relationships will endure.

  “I love Zach so much,” said Batavia (NY) High School senior Lisa Bracken, whose boyfriend, Zach Renfro, is joining the Navy after graduation. “He says he loves me, too, and that he’ll try to get stationed near Boston where I’m going to college. I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end.”

  Bracken added that she has not ruled out the possibility of getting pregnant with Renfro’s child.

  As yearbooks are passed around, signed with promises of remembrance and enduring friendship, so, too, do the seniors promise never to forget what they shared with their future ex-soulmates.

  “No matter what happens, Jeff and I will always be close,” said Christine Foulks, a Phoenix-area senior who plans to “break the news” to boyfriend Jeff Vanderploeg after their June 22 prom. “I just hope he doesn’t expect me to give him his varsity jacket back. Or his Dave Matthews CDs.”

  Standing in stark contrast to the seniors are the nation’s high-school juniors, who expressed horror over their elders’ willingness to turn their backs on true love.

  “There’s no way that’s ever going to happen to us,” said Mindy Ostrove, 16, a junior at Tallahassee Central High School. “Matt and I are forever. Nobody else could ever understand me like he does. Nobody.”

  A break-up note written from Omro (WI) High School senior Ronny Peltz to girlfriend Rachel Wohle.

  NEWS IN PHOTOS

  Jostens Unveils New Engagement Rings For Pregnant High Schoolers

  NEWS

  Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen

  SALEM, OR—The Alan Guttmacher Institute released a report Friday that showed a dramatic increase in teen sexual activity, a finding that surprised policymakers, public-health professionals, and 17-year-old Tom Ellis.

  Tom Ellis, who was surprised by statistics showing that other teens are having sex (below).

  “So, more teens are having sex, are they?” Ellis asked Monday. “Well, I’m not sure where those guys got all their data, but it sure wasn’t from me.”

  Ellis, a senior this fall at Sprague High School in Salem, learned of the trend while watching television at home Saturday, as he does most weekend nights. A 20/20 story titled “The Teen Sex Epidemic” informed him that 82.6 percent of his peers aged 15 to 19 have engaged in some form of sexual contact with another person.

  “Really?” Ellis asked. “Eight out of 10 teens? There’s an epidemic?”

  While excited by the findings on teen sexuality, Ellis has yet to observe the increase in his own life.

  “I mean, it’s summer, and I can’t help but notice all the girls wearing sexy dresses and tank tops and stuff,” he said. “But, does that mean I’m one millimeter closer to getting some tail? No, sir.”

  “Doesn’t matter that I’ve grown six inches this year, that I’ve been working out in my basement, or that I dress in Gap clothes, like everyone else,” Ellis continued. “Girls like Kelly [Mehan] and Michelle [Lehrer] still totally ignore me. At this rate, I’ll be lucky to French [kiss] a girl before college.”

  Although teen sexual activity is on the rise, the Guttmacher report indicated that the teen pregnancy rate has dropped to a 13-year low.

  “More teens are engaging in sex, but a larger percentage of them are doing so responsibly,” said Dr. Jerry Kendall, a senior researcher for the Guttmacher Institute. “There’s an increased access to and acceptance of proper contraceptives, mainly the condom, even among the disenfranchised teen population. An additional factor is the marked casualization of oral sex, which is often substituted for full intercourse.”

  “Really?!” Ellis asked. “Blow jobs? Well, that national trend hasn’t spread to Salem yet, because I’m about one blow job shy of joining that statistic. It would take a miracle to get a girl to go down on me.”

  “ ‘Hey, I’m not one of those weird abstinence kids. There’s nothing I would like better than to waste myself on the wrong girl. I just want to know: Where in the hell are all those millions of loose teenage girls?’ ”

  Ellis did confirm that he would use a condom if he were to have sex.

  “You ha
ve sex, you wear a condom,” said Ellis, who has practiced proper condom use alone in his bedroom. “At least that’s what everybody says. I certainly wouldn’t know from experience because, clearly, I’m a freak. I’m one of the pathetic 18 percent who still haven’t even seen, much less touched, a naked breast. Well, rest assured: When and if I ever get the chance to have sex, I will definitely know how to put on a condom.”

  Although Ellis has carefully documented his intense desire for a sexual encounter in his journal, that desire hasn’t translated into sexual activity. Ellis insisted that this is not by choice.

  “Hey, I’m not one of those weird abstinence kids,” Ellis said. “There’s nothing I would like better than to waste myself on the wrong girl. I just want to know: Where in the hell are all these millions of loose teenage girls? Because they certainly don’t go to my school.”

  According to friend Doug Binder, Ellis’ chances of joining the growing ranks of the sexually experienced are slim.

  “Tom?” Binder asked. “He’s doomed to virginity, just like me. But, hey, that doesn’t stop us from talking and thinking about sex all the freaking time. For all our yapping about what we’d do if we were ever alone with a girl, neither of us is anywhere near getting some action.”

  Although he admitted he was startled by the report, Ellis said he remains hopeful for the future.

  “I’ve still got two years to get laid and join the majority,” Ellis said. “I mean, I’ve heard guys talking about all the girls they’ve slept with, but I thought they were just making it up. Turns out, everyone really was having sex all that time. Well, thanks, 20/20. Now I know what a complete loser I am.”

  Teens who, unlike Ellis, are engaging in sexual activity.

  NEWS

  No One Cares About Your Girlfriend Back Home

  YOUR SCHOOL—No one at your new college could give even two shits about the girlfriend you left back home, a special Onion investigation confirmed Monday.