Bad Actor Read online

  Bad Actor

  Bad Series #2

  Sarah Michelle Lynch

  Copyright © Sarah Michelle Lynch 2020

  The moral right of SARAH MICHELLE LYNCH to be identified as author of this Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner. You must not circulate this book without the authority to do so.

  All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

  For more info, please visit sarahmichellelynch.com

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Reading Order So Far

  Bad Friends

  Bad Actor

  Bad Wife

  Bad Girl

  Bad Guys

  Bad Lover

  Prologue

  Morose. Difficult. Dark. These are just a few of the words people would use to describe me. My friends don’t call me out on it; they’ve known me too long; have got used to it, you could say. It’s only the new people I meet who reflect this mortal wound I carry, their eyes saying more than they’re brave enough to speak – that I’m difficult to be around; that it’s not normal for someone to wear this wound like a badge, that it shouldn’t be left to fester, but should be healed, in the way all humans should find peace, if they only might seek it.

  I’m cursed, you see, to only ever love one woman. It’s been years now, too many to count. Nobody knows. Not a single soul. I carry this curse alone. The woman I love… she loves someone else. She always has, perhaps she always will.

  I walk this world alone. I’ll die alone, probably.

  I seek dark roles as an actor but even the darkest roles I bring too much darkness to, according to all the casting agents.

  I’m trapped, unable to escape my moribund prison because I can’t help myself. This love… I’m endlessly enslaved by… I’m living because of it, but also dying of it.

  Will I ever tell her I adore her? That to be in her presence is to feel the sun on my face. To know she’s safe is life; to hear her voice occasionally fills my veins with energy enough to keep me alive – this rollercoaster ongoing but oh so worth it for the slight detours.

  I’ve felt sick with love for so long, I know nothing else. It’s normal now.

  I’ll never stop loving her.

  I’ve told no-one.

  I can’t.

  She’s my best friend.

  I’ve acted my arse off so she doesn’t know, but the truth is, everyone breaks eventually, don’t they?

  The day I almost, almost lost my shit… at Adam and Susan’s wedding…

  That fuck was going around, bragging to the guys he’d had her and was going to have her again if he had his way. How he talked about her… made me feel nauseous beyond imagination. I was sick with hatred. He spoke of her like she’s nothing more than a piece of meat to him, yet he doesn’t even deserve to breathe the same air as her. And yet she loves him. I’ve always known it.

  But what can I do?

  Step in and tell him to shut his mouth? Incite suspicion… break the bro code?

  I mean, nobody even believes in that anymore. Adam’s chosen his wife over everyone else. Tom’s chosen his career over everyone else. I’ve chosen to keep my secret from everyone else. We don’t live by that code – not anymore.

  But to even give him the impression that I love her, that would be ammunition… or fuel… or worse, it might make her pull away from me.

  One thing I’ve always known, anyway…

  People like Paul Barton always get found out, and once he does, I’ll be ready.

  I can never be her first love and I won’t be her most regretful liaison.

  I want to be her last love… her true love…

  The one she marries.

  She needs time to realise I’m here, always have been, always will be.

  How much time? I don’t know.

  Will the day come when she turns to me and asks me to love her?

  I don’t know. I just do not know.

  Chapter One

  Paris. A dusty dressing room. Last stop on this six-week tour. Nearly home. Can’t wait to get back.

  I’m finishing my make-up when my phone buzzes.

  BARTON: Congratulations. We didn’t stand a chance. She’s all yours.

  “Two minutes to curtain,” the stage manager shouts, making me almost jump out of my skin.

  I re-read Paul’s message, checking I’ve got it right.

  They’ve split up, then? Lily and Paul? I feel elated for a moment. Then, I remember. He’s her sickness. We all have one, a sickness, I mean. He’s hers. If they’ve split up, she’s going to be even more scrambled than she was before. What has he done to her this time?

  I should delete his message, his number; in fact, I should delete him, from my life, entirely.

  But I’m too curious.

  I decide not to send a reply, but I’ll keep his message like I’ll keep his number, just in case. I fix my wig and add a blob more make-up, completing my look as the ghost of Hamlet’s father.

  He’s one of my oldest friends but fuck, I’ve come to hate that guy.

  I head backstage and the thought of Paul having done the dirty on her again puts me in the right frame of mind to play this part – the vengeful, wronged innocent – the victim.

  Paul doesn’t see what I see, he never has, never will. All he sees when he looks at Lily is someone better than him, and she is, she truly is. She wants to make him better, save him, etcetera. Trouble is, he’s never going to be saved until he faces the reality – that he’s a drunk, just like his father, and he’s forever getting himself into trouble doing things he wouldn’t do if he were sober.

  Adam and me have tried, tried and tried, but Paul hasn’t listened.

  He’s an addict. Drink. Drugs. Women. Oh, and hurting Lily. They’re all the things he’s addicted to, it seems.

  I get back to my hotel and against my better judgment, I send Adam a message:

  Paul’s fucked up again. He sent me some text, like it’s my fault. Think they’ve split.

  He doesn’t reply right away. Sod him. I’ll shower.

  He only replies once I’m washed, dried and changed, ready for the wrap party.

  ADAM: I heard she threw him out and made his brothers collect his stuff.

  I sit down on the hotel bed and rub a hand over my jaw.

  Shit, what did he do? I reply.

  ADAM: I don’t know but it must have been bad. She’s been texting Suze but she’s not allowed to tell me the ins and outs, not yet. I’ll see if I can get a skeg at her phone later, though.

  ME: Don’t get into trouble!

  ADAM: Saw Brendan wandering the streets when I was visiting Mum last weekend.

  ME: Making the most of the new liver?

  ADAM: Fucking up people’s lives, as per. Wonder if it’s got anything to do with that
?

  ME: Who knows, but I’m betting with Paul there was another woman involved.

  ADAM: Aye, more than likely. Still on for this weekend?

  ME: Can’t wait. See you then, mate.

  ADAM: Suze has been cooking for days. Any excuse!

  Chapter Two

  I turn up at their house unapprehensive, just curious. Adam told me they’ve learnt more about the whole Lily and Paul thing since I messaged him the other day but they’ll only tell me this new info in person for some reason.

  Susan welcomes me at the door, throws her arms around me. “You look good, Theo. Working abroad suits you, does it?”

  “Suits fine, yeah.”

  She looks pristine as always and smells great, but she’s Adam’s wife and that’s where it stops with her and me. You don’t covet someone else’s wife, not even one as pretty, clever and lovely as Susan. I do envy the life she and Adam have together and the beautiful house they share, anyone would. They met young, fell in love, everything has always fallen into place for them. It’s never been messy. There hasn’t ever been another party involved – no unfinished business with exes, no kids from a previous relationship, nothing in their past to overshadow their union. They love one another and it’s that simple. They’re rare because everyone else we know has stuff going on that seems to make that simple act of commitment impossible.

  “Hiya buddy.” Adam welcomes me into the kitchen, shaking my hand.

  “Something smells good.”

  “It’s a spicy stew,” Susan says, “and all the trimmings. We’ve got a starter first, though.”

  “God, I can’t wait.”

  “A drink?” Susan asks, bustling around us, checking pots and opening and closing the oven door, her face red with the heat, her hair slightly out of place. I don’t know who this trouble is for, but I hope it’s not me.

  “Whatever you guys are having,” I say, not wanting to put them out.

  Adam automatically pulls a red from a rack, pops it open and drags out three glasses from a tall cupboard. He and I sit around the dining table while Susan counts the seconds until her starter is ready. Bless her.

  “You been home, then?” Adam asks, clinking his glass to mine casually.

  “Yeah, Mum’s doing okay. Her physio was round yesterday so she’s no good to anyone today.”

  His blue eyes are wide when he tells me, “We did invite Lily round for a catch-up today but she’s not up to it.”

  “That’s sad.”

  “About that…”

  Adam looks grave and that’s bad news; he’s the most happy-go-lucky bloke I know.

  “It’s not to be repeated but she had a miscarriage. Not long ago.”

  I hear the clang of a ladle to the floor as Susan overhears the words, then it feels like my world bottoms out from beneath me and I have to blink several times to convince myself I’m still sat here, by the table, on a bench… not free-falling… my heart pounding in my ears.

  “Is she okay?” I force the words out, but they make my throat ache.

  “She’s healing okay, it’s her mind that’s tormented. She’s been signed off work. I only know because my mum saw her mum and, the rest… you can imagine.”

  I put my head in my hands. “What about Paul?” It comes out more growly than I wanted it to, but I can’t hide my feelings.

  “He deleted his Facebook, his number doesn’t work anymore… but I spoke to his brother who said Paul’s gone to stay with a mate in Germany for a bit, also something about teaching in South Korea and heading off once all the paperwork’s done…”

  Adam looks incredulous; maybe Paul gave his brothers some kind of story in the hope nobody goes looking for him. In Adam’s eyes I see him trying to piece together what’s behind all this, while all I can think is Paul better have really left the country or I’ll hunt him down and murder him in cold blood.

  “He was settling down with Lily and everything, had a job and was doing quite well by all accounts, but something happened and now this… I mean, I don’t want to speculate, but part of me thinks she got pregnant to try and keep him on the straight and narrow, then maybe things didn’t go to plan and it all backfired.”

  Susan’s at our side suddenly and we move back, allowing her to put a baked camembert and a salad in front of us, the crusty bread already on the table. She sits at the head of the table, takes a long slug of wine and looks between us, sat on either side of her.

  “He’s a cunt,” she says with a tone of pure, unadulterated hatred. “He’s a cunt. Now, can we talk about something else before I smash something just thinking about him?”

  “Took the words right out of my mouth,” I agree, my eyes wide.

  Adam’s proud look tells me he’s seen this side of her before and loves it. Never… and I mean never, would I have taken Susan for someone this outspoken. Then again, isn’t it always the quiet ones…?

  Hush falls on the room and I look at Adam and he looks at me like there are a million things we want to say – stuff we’ve been thinking all this time and haven’t ever voiced, mostly because we respect Lily too much.

  “For god’s sake, you two,” Susan guffaws, twirling some rocket around her fork and gesticulating that we may as well say what we gotta say.

  I raise my eyebrows at Adam, pointing at him with my fork for him to start.

  He’s looking at Susan when he says, “At the stag do he was telling me he could get me a couple of chicks if I wanted, that they’d do anything, absolutely anything.”

  “Does he have a death wish?” Susan spits. “How drunk was he?”

  “A normal level of drunk for him, I’d say.” I speak matter-of-factly, because now the floor is open to slag him off.

  “He doesn’t want to be married or ever have kids but at the same time, he can’t stand the thought of Lily ever being with anyone else,” Adam explains. “It wouldn’t surprise me if Paul thought that maybe he could keep Lily but also maintain his lifestyle, too if you know what I mean. On the side sort of thing.”

  “And there are guys like that, out there?” Susan’s wearing a disgusted expression.

  I laugh because it’s not news. “Everywhere. Lying, cheating, not being honest about who they are. Torn, if you like, between having a home and having their cake and eating it. Also, they can’t have a home without a real woman, but can’t have a real woman because she’d see through his weaknesses. He’s doomed.”

  Adam and I recommence eating but she’s shocked. “But he did this to Lily? Who doesn’t deserve it, who he’s known for years… who he’s meant to care about!”

  “Yeah, but it’s Lily… have you seen her?” Adam deadpans. “She’s a fucking goddess. We all had a crush on her. She’s a catwalk model for Christ’s sake. Too much temptation for a cock like him.”

  Susan stuffs some rocket in her mouth, nodding. “Suppose I’d do her.”

  “He’s a cunt,” I mumble, and we laugh.

  After we’ve laughed, Susan pours more wine. “Say you’ll stay, we can get drunk and hear all about your travels.”

  I grin. “I’ll stay.”

  Thank god for my friends. If I didn’t have them, the ground would’ve already swallowed me whole.

  Full of alcohol but still unable to sleep, I leave the sofa in the front room and head to the back of the house to get some air. It’s dawn almost, the scent of daybreak tickling my nostrils as I unlock the back door and step outside, the hairs on my thighs immediately on end in response to the cool morning, being that I’m in just my t-shirt and boxers. I sit on the step, pull my legs to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Don’t know what I’m doing out here, really. Just can’t sleep… thinking about Lily.

  God damn, the thoughts that go through my head… the things I’d do to her if I were ever brave enough to finally tell her my feelings. The trouble is, it’s always a bad time; there may never be a good time. Paul’s done a right number on her. And if it isn’t him, it’s some other douchebag and all I’d be is a rebou
nd or a shoulder to cry on, nothing more.

  “Theo?”

  I almost jump out of my skin having heard no footsteps and turn around to see Susan in her dressing gown, looking as dodgy as I feel.

  “You okay?”

  “I got up to wee and heard the door,” she explains.

  “Sorry, can’t sleep.”

  “Yeah, doubt I’ll sleep now too. The booze knocks me dead and then I’m awake, like this.”

  She takes a seat on the step next to me, looking up at the sky as it turns indigo. The birds are loud and it must be four a.m., I’m guessing.

  “You love her, don’t you?” She turns sideways, glancing at me.

  I don’t know what to say at first, but I can’t deny it. I rub my hands over my face and turn to Susan, who’s imploring me to be honest. I can only nod.

  “She might feel the same, Theo.”

  “She might, she might… yeah… or there might never be a good time. I might be the one she shits on because she’s been shat on so many times.”

  She chuckles and scoops her hair up, scraping it back into a messy bun. Without make-up on, and in the early hours like this, Susan looks fragile and tired, like she’s fighting some battle of her own.

  “It’s difficult because you’re in it, but from the outside, all I see are two people with the potential to find love. Two good people. Two friends who’ve been there for one another through thick and thin.”

  I bite my nails and side-eye her. She picks up on my nerves.

  “What? What did you do?” she groans.

  “Well, I might have… slightly… lied. She thinks it’s you I have a crush on. I’d go to her flat, pour my heart out, and she’d comfort me. And all because—”

  “Theo, no!” she exclaims, but I turn and find laughter in her eyes.

  “The day of your wedding, I felt murderous. Paul was saying things about her and I couldn’t take it. I was on the warpath and had to bite my lip, pretend it was because of you, that I was cut up about you and Adam tying the knot. I even made Paul believe that, even though I was just so angry about the way he treated her that Christmas she and Ian broke up.”