South Dublin Read online

  South Dublin –

  How to get by on, like, €10,000 a day

  Edited by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

  Contributors

  JP Conroy,

  Fionn de Barra,

  Christian Forde and

  Oisinn Wallace

  PENGUIN

  BOOKS

  To all the girls we've loved before

  PENGUIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

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  First published as Ross O'Carroll Kelly's Guide to South Dublin by Penguin Ireland 2007

  This edition published as South Dublin in Penguin Books 2008

  1

  Copyright © Paul Howard, 2007, 2008

  All rights reserved

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

  978-0-14-192091-7

  Contents

  The Authors

  How to Use This Guide

  Introduction

  The Basics

  Region by Region

  1. Dublin 4

  2. Rathgar

  3. Dundrum

  4. Foxrock

  5. Blackrock & Booterstown

  6. Killiney & Dalkey

  7. Monkstown

  8. Sandycove & Glenageary

  Trips Further Afield

  Thesau Ross

  Acknowledgements

  The Authors

  Ross O'Carroll-Kelly An outstanding rugby talent, Ross captained Castlerock College to victory in the Leinster Schools Senior Cup in 1999. George Hook described him as ‘the player most likely to make the breakthrough next year’ every Christmas between 2000 and 2005, and it has often been said that he could have been where Brian O'Driscoll is today had he not been such a Jack the Lad. Not that he's complaining. He's enjoyed his life, and not even his marriage in 2003 to Sorcha Lalor – the on-off love of his life – has affected his prolific strike-rate with the ladies. He still does more than alroysh, thank you very much. He is the father of two children, one of each – that is to say, one skobie kid and one normal one. Honor (2) is his daughter by Sorcha and Ronan (9) is his son by Tina, a total Natalie he boned at the age of sixteen while on a cultural exchange programme with a school on the Northside. He has been barred from more than half of the pubs and clubs mentioned in this book. He received a six-figure advance to write this guide to South Dublin and spent it while his friends did all the research for €5,000 each. He lives in Blackrock. The only relevant detail in his biography, though, is that his old man is worth €57 million.

  JP Conroy After completing school, JP went into property, joining his father's estate agency, Hook, Lyon & Sinker, in Ballsbridge. He very quickly established a reputation for sharp practices, which earned warnings about his future conduct from the IAVI, the Advertising Standards Authority and the Gardaí in Donnybrook. It was JP who first called Tullamore ‘the Gateway to Dublin’ and described a house in Monaghan as being ‘just an hour from the capital’. It was – the capital of Northern Ireland. In 2004 he found God and turned his back on his old life. He is currently studying for the priesthood.

  Fionn de Barra After gaining maximum points in his Leaving Certificate, Fionn studied English and Psychology at UCD. In 2003 and 2004 he spent six months in France, studying the life and work of the French poet Arthur Rimbaud for a Ph.D. He is currently doing a Masters in Anthropological Studies at Trinity College, Dublin. By the time he's done, he's expected to be too qualified to work at anything. His hobbies are poetry, history and languages. He has not had his Nat King Cole for years.

  Christian Forde His bebo site describes him as the biggest Star Wars fan in the world – and restraining orders from eight former cast members attest to that. A harmless sociopath, Christian married Lauren Coghlan-O’Hara, a surprisingly normal girl, in 2006. They have a house in Dublin 4, though Christian continues to live in a galaxy far, far away.

  Oisinn Wallace After a year in Sports Management – the only course in UCD that would take him after he failed his Leaving Cert. – Oisinn gave it all up to pursue the career he really wanted: developing ladies’ perfumes. Working night and day in a makeshift laboratory at the back of his parents’ house, he created a unique smell, for which Hugo Boss paid him a record €1 million advance in 2004. Eau d’Affluence was launched in Milan a year later. Never one to rest on his .£ laurels, Oisinn soon hit on a new business idea – scented holy water. Love One Another As I Have Loved Yuzu and Take Up Thy Bergamot and Walk are set to hit supermarket shelves soon. Oisinn is big right now – he's 17 stone – and half the international modelling world is trying to get into his 38-inch chinos. It's a pity he prefers ditchpigs.

  How to Use This Guide

  This travel guide is divided into three main content areas. The first section is called ‘The Basics’. It contains all the information you'll need to gain an understanding of this extraordinary region and its people, thus enabling you to get the most from your visit. The second section takes you on a journey through each of South Dublin's eight districts, offering in-depth accounts of the sights, practical tips on activities and up-to-the-minute reviews of the most expensive places to stay, eat and drink. Each of the book's authors offers his tuppence-worth on his own particular areas of expertise in the regular ‘A Word From’ pieces. The final section is the ‘ThesauRoss’, a dictionary of words and terms commonly used in South Dublin. It will give you a better understanding of what the fock everyone isbanging on about.

  Introduction

  Nestled between the grim boglands of Wicklow and the filthy squalor of North and West Dublin is a land of untold beauty and wealth, which boasts more millionaires per square acre than Manhattan, where the pace of life is positively Californian, where males address one another by their surnames, where a sense of community is non-existent – and where the sun never stops shining…

  In spite of all this, South Dublin – or ‘the saithsade’ in the local parlance – remains one of the world's most overlooked holiday destinations. Yet visitors to this tranquil, sun-kissed paradise find a land full of surprises – not all of them involving their credit card statements.

  South Dublin is so much more than home to the world's most expensive cappuccino. Visitors are often surprised to discover that the Southside has a cultural history dating back more than twenty years. This is reflected not only in its glorious art, music and theatre, but
in the Mock-Tudor, Mock-Gothic and Mock-Georgian architecture with which it has become synonymous.

  For the gastronome, too, South Dublin has much to recommend it. Where else would you find a restaurant that effects the dining mannerisms of the eighteenth-century French aristocracy, or a restaurant where steak, chips and onion rings for two will set you back a couple of hundred euro? Then there are the gourmet food shops, selling everything from Imperial Beluga Black Sea caviar to low-carb, sugar-free truffles. Terrine of duck foie gras, gluten-free shortbread and elk summer sausage are as plentiful on the Southside as crack cocaine is on the Northside.

  Bathed by the warm currents of the Gulf Stream and the North Atlantic Drift, South Dublin has a hot, humid climate, not unlike that of the Cayman Islands, with whom Southsiders share a natural affinity. Add in the 365 days of guaranteed sunshine per year and it's not difficult to see why houses here are changing hands for the equivalent of the GNP of a small, backward country, such as Albania, Chad… or the rest of Ireland.

  South Dublin is still technically part of the Irish Republic, although to all intents and purposes it is a sovereign state unto itself, with its own language, rituals and customs. Prosperity has accelerated the progress towards full secession, which, it is predicted, could take place before the year 2020.

  South Dublin is not only the cradle of the Celtic Tiger, it is also a land rich in cultural diversity, where barristers live next door to stockbrokers, where judges live next door to businessmen and where heart surgeons live side by side with brain surgeons. Furthermore, its cultural horizons are forever expanding. Take a minute to sit in Hilper's or Starbucks and – providing you can overcome the language barrier – listen to the young intellectuals from UCD and DBS debate the big issues of the day: who will win Big Brother VIII, how many points are in a skinny peach and raspberry muffin and what is the best way to apply Piz Buin to one's feet without getting streaks?

  Zero-tolerance policing and strict border controls have brought about the almost total eradication of crime, apart from petty offences such as tax evasion, planning corruption, money laundering and other misdemeanours.

  South Dubliners love their sport – mostly the ones they're good at. The area, for instance, boasts more yachts per head of population than Monte Carlo.

  An estimated 40 per cent of South Dublin is made up of golf courses. That figure is set to increase to as much as 60 per cent as rising prices force what remains of the area's indigenous working-class population out into the townships of North and West Dublin, or further south to Wicklow and Wexico, leaving vast swathes of land to be developed to answer the pressing demand for more room in which to golf. The national obsession, however, is rugby, and excitement reaches fever-pitch whenever the famous Leinster team plays, with fans driven to such delirious excesses as actually going to the games and occasionally cheering.

  Visitors to South Dublin should take time to sample its wonderfully vibrant nightlife. The South-side is home to two of the world's most exclusive nightclubs. No famous visitor to Ireland is permitted to leave without spending an evening in either Lillie's Bordello or Renards. For sybarites, there are literally dozens of fashionable fleshpots where the Celtic Tiger's young cubs gather to pout and strut their stuff like catwalk models. The city caters for revellers of all ages, from the celebrated Wesley Disco, where to have knickers on is to be overdressed, to the über-cool Ice Bar and its famous range of outrageously priced Mojitos. And don't be dissuaded by a refusal from the door staff of a pub or club. This is simply an elaborate ritual that ‘bouncers’ – or admission consultants, as they prefer to be known – engage in to find out whether you re pissed or, worse, working class, like them. After indulging them for a few minutes, you'll eventually be let in, providing, of course, that you're neither.

  For the overseas visitor there is no end of things to do. You can spend an afternoon in Bel-Éire, gazing at the gated mansions where Bono, Van Morrison and Eddie Irvine occasionally live. Enjoy an afternoon's sailing through the tranquil, pollution-free waters off Sandycove. Or why not while away an afternoon over a tall, skinny, no-whip vanilla latte in any of the wonderfully soulless chain coffee shops that have sprung up all over the Southside in recent years?

  Few places on Earth can match the raw and intense beauty of this region, which has managed to strike the perfect environmental balance between that which has been sculpted by nature and that which has been fashioned by man. Whether you're riding the surf down on Monkstown beach, or riding a heavily Botoxed girl with a fashionably obscure Irish name after half-a-dozen Mint Juleps in Lillie's, you'll be bowled over by its unique sense of aesthetic equilibrium.

  South Dublin has something for travellers of all kinds, except the ones with a capital T, who are advised to park their caravans somewhere more appropriate, such as Tallaght or Finglas.

  As the furnace that fired Ireland's miracle economic turnaround, South Dublin is the place to do business in Europe, and hundreds of thousands of business types flock here every year, hoping some of the entrepreneurial energies of financial titans like SeanDunne and Denis O’Brien will rub off on them. Thanks to men like these, as well as their über-rich friends, the area bristles with economic good health. Recent constructions, such as the Dundrum Town Centre, and the annexation of the South Inner City area by the computer industry – Googleland – have given this already modern, cosmopolitan corner of the world a new, twenty-first-century dimension. It's predicted that Ballsbridge will soon become a city in itself – South Dublin's very own gleaming capital, with shiny new corporate skyscrapers bearing down on dowdy old Dublin City.

  Southsiders take justifiable pride in their environment. They recycle more than any other people in Europe, and what waste can't be reused is left outside their homes in wheelie bins, taken away and dumped on the Northside, or in a large municipal dump in north Wicklow known as Bray. Whales, dolphins and seals frolic in the cleanest waters in Europe, off the Southside coast. South Dublin's only indulgence with regard to pollutants is the ubiquitous SUV, which has become as recognizable a symbol of the area as the yellow taxi is of New York.

  For all their self-confidence, South Dubliners can often seem quite reserved. Don't worry, it's only rudeness and just takes a little getting used to. They'll generally show little or no interest in you until they establish some common connection; then they'll be as false and insincere to you as they are to each other.

  All this – and shopping! South Dublin is a consumer's paradise, with thousands of shops just waiting to take your money – and look sulky about it in the process.

  It's little wonder that stars such as Bono and Brian O'Driscoll have chosen South Dublin as their home over the South of France.

  There's never been a better time to visit the Southside. This sun-drenched, fun-loving, bountiful playground is just waiting for you to arrive… with your plastic.

  The Basics

  South Dublin is a beautiful, sun-kissed oasis in

  the North Atlantic, situated just 67 miles (105

  km) off the coast of Britain. It is 1,224 miles

  (1,931 km) from Tuscany, 4,312 miles (6,920

  km) from Barbados and 6,107 miles (9,656

  km) from the Maldives…

  Geography

  South Dublin is, at the time of writing, still attached to the Ireland landmass. It is located between North Dublin and the counties of Wicklow and Kildare, and affords spectacular sea views, as well as access to every modern facility. Defined to the north by the River Liffey and to the east by the Irish Sea, its exact area is uncertain, as its southern and western boundaries are open to interpretation. A number of estate agents have suggested it stretches as far south as Bray and as far west as Tallaght, but have subsequently been prosecuted under the Trades Description Act. For the vast majority of Southsiders, anything south of Killiney and west of Dundrum is not South Dublin but either ‘Bogland’ or ‘the Northside’.

  The borders have been further confused by the growing prosperity of a n
umber of coastal suburbs north of the Liffey, including Howth, Sutton, Portmarnock and Clontarf, which regard themselves as being more Southside than areas such as Ballybrack and Sallynoggin, which are technically within the boundaries of South Dublin.

  Recent years have seen the notional line that divides the city socially turn 90° on its axis, so that the conflict is now between east and west rather than south and north. Many, however, regard being a Southsider as not so much a geographical question as a state of mind.

  South Dublin's unique position on the map means it enjoys hot and humid summers and warm weather for the remainder of the year. While the rest of Ireland suffers through icy winters and more than 300 days of rainfall a year, the North Atlantic Drift ensures that the temperature in South Dublin rarely drops below 30°C, even in December. It represents one of the world's most significant temperature anomalies relative to latitude and goes some way towards explaining the proliferation of palm trees in South Dublin, as well as other plants more commonly associated with tropical climes.

  A WORD FROM FIONN

  Postcodes are very important to South Dubliners because they determine which social caste you belong to – Dublin 4 and Dublin 18 being the most prestigious. The postcode system is relatively simple: Southside numbers are even; Northside numbers are odd. It was originally designed to allow employers to weed out job applicants from the Northside before they reached interview stage. There's only one exception to the odd/even rule and that's Áras an Uachtaráin, the residence of the President of Ireland. It's on the wrong side of the river, but is classified as Dublin 8. So Mrs Mary McAleese is the only Northsider who's allowed to call herself a Southsider. And you wouldn't blame her either.