Scrubbed Read online

  It was the ones I couldn’t save that made me hate my job.

  And the worst of them all…my wife, my life.

  For a time, I was that crying, broken, shattered loved one myself.

  I missed all the signs. What kind of doctor did that make me? A horrible one.

  The cervical cancer was fast-moving, and she didn’t have any symptoms until it was too late. But I should have seen the signs. It was my job, dammit! It was what I did, day in and day out. How could I not have noticed that she was more tired and that she had discomfort? She hadn’t wanted to “burden me.”

  It showed you what kind of husband I was. My own wife didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me something wasn’t right until it was too late. Too fucking late.

  I wanted to quit. I never wanted to be a doctor again. I didn’t deserve to treat people. Shit, I didn’t even deserve to live. It should have been me. Tracy was…she was light. She was pure. She was everything good in the world. She didn’t deserve to have that light flicker out and die before my eyes, turning her from that young and vibrant person to a skeleton-like being. The worst part? I couldn’t watch it happen. Don’t get me wrong, I did. I forced myself to stay by her side until her last breath, but I hated every second of watching her die before me. Watching God take her from this earth, from my arms, from my life. But never from my love. Never. My heart was hers for eternity. No one could take that.

  Not that she’d want it. I failed her. I failed her miserably. I couldn’t save her, and I should have.

  And this hero crap? I was no fucking hero. I was a monster. A man who couldn’t save his wife and hated watching her die.

  After her death, I turned away from medicine and just went through the motions. It was actually Amber, my mother-in-law, who snapped me out of my self-loathing.

  “She’s gone, Noah!” she screamed at me. “But you’re not, and right now, you’re all Jay and I have. We can’t lose you too. So get up and get dressed because you have work to do.” She’d been checking in on me almost every day, and until that moment, I hadn’t thought about Tracy’s parents’ pain either. It had only been about me and losing Tracy. There you go, my list of phenomenal qualities just kept getting better, huh? I didn’t even have the wherewithal to think about my in-laws when they clearly had enough decency to think about me.

  And then to show up at my place, help me get myself together, and force me back out into the world? I had a saint for a mother-in-law.

  I realized then that even if I didn’t give a shit about myself or living life anymore, I did care about Amber and Jay. And they didn’t deserve to lose another person they cared about—maybe not physically, but they were definitely losing me emotionally.

  I’d gone to work the next day, and I got up, got dressed, worked, and even found time to hang out with friends ever since.

  That was the only reason I wasn’t going to kill Amber for pulling this hero crap. Because she was why I began to live again. But she sure as hell was getting a stern talking-to.

  “Hi, Noah, I was just thinking about you, dear,” she said as soon as she picked up.

  “Oh?” I asked.

  “I wanted to know if you were coming over for dinner this weekend. We haven’t seen you in almost a month.” Instantly, I felt bad. Maybe a stern talking-to wasn’t in the books, after all.

  “Yeah, Amber, I’ll be there. Just tell me when.”

  “Good. Now, how are you?”

  “I’m alright. Except I had a very strange visitor today,” I told her.

  “Oh, really. Who?”

  “Someone from Modern Family magazine. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?” I asked.

  “Oh, my!” she exclaimed, straight out of a 1950s film. I couldn’t help but smile as I pictured her putting a hand on her chest over her heart. “That’s wonderful news, right? Does that mean you won? Oh, I guess you couldn’t have or else I would have seen the rounds. So what did this person want?”

  “I don’t know. I sent her away.”

  “What do you mean you sent her away?” she asked.

  “Amber, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but this contest isn’t for me. I don’t need the money, and I’m definitely not a hero.”

  “That’s exactly what this contest is for you. Not about the money, no, but you don’t see all the good you do. You don’t see how you comfort the families who need it the most, how you stick it out with each patient, good or bad, how you care about these people as though they’re your family. If that doesn’t make you a hero, I don’t know what does.”

  “I couldn’t save her,” I whispered in return, my voice breaking on each word.

  “No, Noah, you couldn’t,” she responded, her own voice cracking. I knew she was crying silent tears in the quiet that followed before she finally spoke again. “None of us could have. And you won’t be able to save them all. That isn’t what makes a hero, Noah. Do you think the firefighter who runs into a burning building but doesn’t have time to pull out all the people isn’t a hero because he couldn’t save everyone? Or is he still a hero because he managed to save some?”

  “I’m not a firefighter risking my life,” I countered.

  “No, but you’re still out there saving lives. Now, it’s my turn to help save yours.”

  “I’m not dying, Amber.”

  “No, but you’re not living either.”

  “Then what is it I’m doing every day?” I asked.

  “Surviving.”

  “That’s all any of us can do.”

  “I want more for you. Tracy would want more for you. I was hoping this would open your eyes to that. I won’t push you, of course, but take a day and think about it.”

  I didn’t need a day. No matter what, the answer would be no, but I humored Amber, nonetheless. “Alright,” I told her.

  “Good,” she responded, and I felt bad for what seemed like the tenth time in the span of our short conversation at the hope I heard in her voice.

  It’s okay, I told myself. I’d make it up to her somehow.

  Just not as a hero. Never that.

  Hadley

  “WHOA THERE,” SOMEONE said as I almost sideswiped them walking down the hallway. I’d finished the rest of my in-person interviews after the Noah debacle. There were three of them, and at least those had gone smoothly. No issues, no creepers, no liars.

  But my mind kept going back to Mr. Tall, Broody, and Handsome. I couldn’t get him out of my head. No, not that way. Okay, maybe just a little bit that way, but can you blame me? He was pure hotness. It wasn’t just that, though. It was the pain and vulnerability in his eyes. Somehow, that made him even more appealing. And the more I thought about him, the more I agreed with his mother-in-law. He was a hero. And he didn’t realize it, which made him even more of a hero. After all, true heroes didn’t do things for the limelight. They did it because it was right.

  I can guarantee you that the Malone brothers didn’t go into their careers because they wanted glory. They just wanted to help.

  I was pretty sure Noah Shields fit the same bill. Add in a heartbreaking story, and you had a winner. I was sure of it. He was the one. But he didn’t want it.

  “Sorry,” I said as I looked at who I’d almost plowed over while my head was still spinning with thoughts of Noah. “Oh, shit, Sidney, sorry,” I tacked on quickly.

  She chuckled in response. “No worries, Hadley, but what’s wrong?” she asked.

  “One of the entries,” I told her with a sigh.

  “Oh boy, I know that look,” she said and then motioned for me to follow her to her office. I did, then sat down in front of her desk as she did the same. “Okay, start talking,” she told me with a grin on her face.

  “I’ve been interviewing the entries for the Everyday Heroes contest,” I told her, and she nodded in response. “I came across the perfect entry. He has what it takes to win. Nothing too over the top. No burning building rescues or anything, but he’s an oncologist who saves l
ives every day. He doesn’t think he’s a hero, which obviously makes him humble. And he has a sad background story. His wife passed away from cancer. It’s obvious he feels guilty he couldn’t save her. Readers will eat this story up.” I realized how crass and insensitive I sounded after I’d said the words out loud, but it didn’t make them any less true. I wasn’t inhuman. I felt for him with a removed empathy in the same way I feel for people I hear about on the news.

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “He doesn’t want to do it. His mother-in-law entered him because she wants him to realize his wife’s death wasn’t his fault and that he really is a good man.”

  “Well, this sounds familiar,” she said with a chuckle. “What’s he look like?” Sidney asked, a sly smile playing on her lips.

  “He’s gorgeous,” I said without thinking and without hesitation. Then I mentally pinched myself for not having better tact. Sidney chuckled in response.

  “I see,” she said, her smile only getting wider. “Does this doctor have a name?” she asked as she started typing away on her computer.

  “Noah Shields,” I told her.

  “Well, well,” she said as she turned her monitor to face me. I think I drooled a little…or a lot. And then I wanted to slap myself for not having had the wherewithal to look him up before I went to his place. Then at least I would have been prepared for the sight of him. Although, even the picture I was currently staring at wouldn’t have prepared me for the hotness that was Noah. But, let me tell you, this was a damn close second. There, before me, on Sidney’s twenty-four-inch monitor was Noah Shields…in regular clothes, in a suit, in a lab coat, and then in scrubs. My God, the man looked good in every-freaking-thing he wore in every picture found online. “Oh yeah, this is definitely familiar,” Sidney said. “Absolutely doesn’t hurt that he’s a bona fide hottie, right? I’d use the picture of him in the scrubs,” she added.

  “Paging Dr. Shields. You have a patient that needs scrubbing down,” I blurted out. My filter was gone, nonexistent, disappeared into thin air. So was my sanity and my tact apparently.

  Sidney threw her head back as she laughed. “I have a feeling there will be a lot of patients lining up for a scrub down of Dr. Shields in his scrubs.” Sounded like a tongue twister…speaking of tongue…oh man, dirty mind, out of the gutter now.

  I somehow composed myself. “Only if he’s willing to be a part of this contest.”

  “So convince him,” she said. As if it was that easy. She must have read the skepticism in my face. “Let me tell you something you might not know. Gray didn’t want to be a part of the Hot Dad contest, either. But with some persistence and the right persuasion, he came on board. You’re smart, Hadley. And ambitious. And you’re open and honest personality, your humor and charm, your ability to say whatever is on your mind one minute and then be professional the next will help you with this, I’m sure of it. You just have to figure out the next steps. It worked for Grayson and the Hot Dad contest, and I know you can make it work for Noah and the Everyday Heroes contest. Just maybe…don’t fall in love. Or you know what? Do. On you. I have faith everything will work out.”

  “I hope so,” I muttered.

  “I know so,” she countered.

  We talked for a few more minutes before I headed out, made my phone interviews for the day, and then went home. But thoughts of Noah didn’t leave my mind. Not his looks, not his story, and certainly not those green eyes full of sadness.

  I was going to figure it out. I had to. If only to dim that sadness. The poor guy deserved nothing less. And if it helped the contest? Well, then bonus points. And eye candy? I most definitely wouldn’t say no to that. I just had to figure it all out.

  Noah

  “WHAT THE HELL are you doing here?” I asked as I walked over to the reception desk. “I work here,” I told her. “It’s one thing to show up at my home, which is invasive if you ask me, but it’s wholly inappropriate to badger someone at their place of work.”

  “I…uh…was just dropping off these things,” Hadley said as she pointed toward the bags by her feet. I didn’t have a response, but at least I had the presence of mind to feel a tad bit guilty about biting her head off just mere moments ago.

  “My boss, Sidney, said they, er, I guess, we, at Modern Family, donate toys and such once a month for the kids,” she added, and I noticed she looked a little shell-shocked. Great, now I felt even worse. “I didn’t know we did that,” she admitted. “But my boss asked me to bring it over. I didn’t realize I was bringing them to you,” she said. “Now I know why she said, ‘You’re welcome,’” she mumbled more to herself than to me. I didn’t understand the meaning behind that, but what she said was true. I hadn’t even put two and two together.

  I, and a few of my colleagues, had started a drive back when I was fresh out of residency and full of grand ideas. Since it was really mostly my project, I was usually the one to personally gather the items donated by the companies as my way of saying thanks. Modern Family was one of the companies that sent over items each month. It just hadn’t dawned on me that Hadley was from that Modern Family. Not that there was another one that I knew of. Either way, you got the point.

  “Yeah,” I finally said after a few beats of awkward silence. “Uh, yes, your company donates each month. And we’re grateful for your time and effort, and the kids truly appreciate all the different items they send.” It was the standard speech I usually gave each person even though the words were slightly different each time. Just because I felt an irrational bit of sympathy for this woman standing before me didn’t mean I had to change things.

  “I swear, Noah, I didn’t know I was bringing these things to you. I can see why you’d think this was an ambush, but it’s not,” she told me as if she’d read my initial thoughts. Those were long gone, but I appreciated her addressing them, nonetheless. “I didn’t even know we did something like this. I mean, it’s really cool, and it just makes me love my job even more. I just thought I was doing my boss a favor by dropping these things off. And even if it did occur to me that you might work here, which it didn’t, really, I never would have thought you’d be the one to pick them up.” She was rambling. I’d admit it was amusing, a little endearing even.

  I took the opportunity to take her in.

  She had long, straight brown hair, deep blue eyes, a smattering of freckles across her cheeks and nose, and full pink lips. I could admit she was beautiful. I hadn’t felt anything for a woman from the moment I met Tracy; I still didn’t, and I never would. But I was an observant person, and I certainly wasn’t blind. I could see Hadley was stunning even, more so than most of the population, dressed in a body-hugging but tasteful gray wrap dress that accentuated her hourglass figure. But it was strictly from a clinical standpoint that I noticed these things.

  “Miss Snyder—”

  “Hadley,” she said, interrupting me.

  “Okay. Hadley,” I said, smirking a bit. She really was amusing. “I believe you,” I told her, and I could see her sigh in relief. “I’ll admit when I first saw you standing there, that’s exactly what I thought. And I’m sorry for snapping at you, but I believe this was just purely coincidental. And I really do appreciate the things your company sends over. My patients don’t often have a lot to look forward to. Especially the children. Children are meant to run around outside, play, have playdates. It’s not the same thing, of course, but getting a new toy, a new book, gives them a little something to make their days a little less shitty. So, truly, I mean it when I say thank you.”

  “You are a hero,” she blurted out.

  “Hate to break it to you, Hadley, but I’m just a regular guy doing my job, and I’m not even very good at it.”

  “I don’t believe that for a second,” she told me adamantly. “Doctors, by default, are heroes. They help people. If that’s not a hero, I don’t know what is. And then there’s you. You’re a doctor on another level. You literally deal with life and death on a daily basis. The thing
s you do save lives.”

  “I also lose many lives,” I countered, my heart breaking as I said the words out loud.

  “You’re not God. You can’t save everyone. You do your best. But you didn’t see the way your face lit up when you talked about the small little joys that toys bring to your patients. It’s the way you obviously care that makes you a hero. And the fact you don’t think you are. Please, Noah. You have to see this.”

  “What kind of a hero can’t save his own wife?” I asked angrily and a little too loudly, considering we were still standing near the reception desk. We’d migrated off to the side during our conversation, but we were still within a decent earshot of anyone who wanted to be nosy.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry for your loss, I really am. I didn’t know her, and I don’t know you, but I know you did everything you can to save her. But, as I said, you can’t save everyone. That isn’t what makes you a hero. It’s this…right here,” she said, pointing back and forth between us. “It’s this conversation. Just…just think about it, okay? That’s all I ask. I’ll leave this stuff and let you get back to your work. But, please, Noah, think about this contest. I think…I truly think it will be good for you.”

  With that, she said goodbye, then turned and walked away, leaving me with a head full of messy thoughts. This was the second woman to tell me to think about it. At least with Hadley, I hadn’t had to lie. But, look at me, I was thinking about it. It’s just the answer was still no.

  Hadley

  “OH, NO,” I said as I shook my head. “Nope, no, nuh-uh, count me out,” I told Sidney.

  “Why not?” she asked with an arched eyebrow and a smirk on her face.

  “You know exactly why. One time is a coincidence. But this…he’s going to think I’m stalking him.”

  “And?” she countered. “I thought you wanted him a part of this contest. And how are the entries going, by the way?”