HARBOR: Beards & Bondage Read online

  “Real talk? I don’t know. I try not to look back, but I think that’s why I wanted to say this to you.”

  “Say what?”

  “I’m being hypocritical as fuck, but whatever. Josh was an idiot. He should have been straight up with you or cut you loose. I try to put myself in Corrine’s shoes and she probably didn’t want to break two hearts, but no combination of our situation was about to walk down the aisle. Josh asked you to marry him. He made the decision to honor you and only you. In a very specific way.”

  “I mean, the three of you were monogamous right?”

  “We were. We all took our agreement very seriously, but we hadn’t had a commitment ceremony or even a talk about locking it down on a permanent basis. Cor and Vaughn lived together, and sometimes I think that was just so they could keep each other company. We were rolling with a good thing. Being honest and open. That’s why what Corrine did was fucked up. She didn’t have to lie.”

  We both clam up then and focus on our food. The waitress comes back and I order another juice and more water for the table. Brook orders some coffee. She finishes her special, leaving a piece of overly fatty bacon to fend for itself.

  “I think about him all the time,” she says suddenly, like she’s confessing to an awful crime. “I have these weird dreams about him where I’m trying to yell at him.”

  “Is he smiling at you in them?”

  “Yes! How did you know?”

  “I have the same kind of dreams about Corrine. I’m watching Vaughn, he’s trying to talk to her and she just blows him off and smiles. I ask her over and over why she’s lying. She just keeps on smiling.” I haven’t told Vaughn about these dreams because I know they would just make him feel guilty. “I feel like I saw something. I know I saw something. She wasn’t unhappy, but she was—there was something. I can’t put my finger on it. I saw it, but I trusted her to tell us. And then I convinced myself it was something else.”

  “Do you think she was going to leave you two?”

  “Eventually, yeah. I think she wanted another life. Her mom definitely wanted her to have another life. I’m not sure what other life Corrine wanted, but it was something that ain’t have shit to do with us.”

  “You know what’s sad? I know I would have left Josh if I found out he was cheating, but this part of me that thinks about him all the time? I look at her and wonder if I would have let that shit slide just so I could keep him.”

  “The what-ifs are going to really fuck us up, huh?”

  “Yup.” She takes a sip of her water and sits back. “So, is that why you kissed me? To show me my worth?” she jokes, sort of.

  “Nah. I kissed you because I wanted to do more, but I know that’s not going to happen. Not right now.”

  “How can you be so sure that you want more? You barely know me.”

  I shrug. “A gift, I guess. I just know.”

  “And what about Vaughn?”

  “He trusts me. And he’s attracted to you, too.”

  “Well, I have to say, I’ve never had anyone tell me that two fine-ass men want me. And so casually over breakfast. But since it can’t be more, why tell me?”

  “I’m gonna say something and I don’t want you to think I’m being condescending.”

  “Okay,” she laughs. “Go for it.”

  “When it comes to men, you have options.”

  “Oh, I know. That was never the problem. I need viable options, Shaw. I wanted to be loved. And I mean loved. Like, loved the fuck up on. Just loved, loved, loved. Then I need, like, a few hours to get my hair done, visit with my sister and my nieces, but the moment I come back, it’s time to love up on this bitch again. It took me thirty-five years to find someone who I thought really loved me and then to have him taken away and to find out it was a lie? Let’s just say, you can kiss me, but it’s going to take a while before I can field even the most serious requests for my love and affection.”

  I smirk and shake my head, digging back into my pancakes before they get too cold.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You know you never told me what you needed last night. Neither did Vaughn. Other than answers and a fast-forward button. What do you need emotionally?” She draws out the word like she needs to add levity.

  Corrine liked to add innuendo to every situation. Everything out of her mouth was about keeping me and Vaughn hard. Every waking moment was making sure we knew she was wet for us. I miss it. Well, some of it. The parts that weren’t a lie. I don’t hate the silly way Brook carries herself, though. It’s refreshing. She tries, in her way, to clear the heavy air out of every room. I take another bite as I consider her question. She waits patiently, watching me before she picks up her fork and toys with that last piece of bacon.

  “Vaughn is a walking heart. I’ve never met anyone who loves the way he does.”

  “Hmm.” I can tell she’s trying to picture what that looks like coming from him.

  “If you knew his mom it would all make sense. She’s—that woman is so full of love and she really passed that on to Vaughn. The man is a lover. I can see Corrine getting sick of my shit, but not Vaughn’s. He’s the real thing.”

  “Don’t tell me that. I already feel terrible for you guys.”

  “Look. When he told me he was going to find you, I told him he should fuck you for good measure. Don’t feel bad for me.”

  “Shaw!” she laughs.

  “I was upset, aight. At the time, I figured if Josh could fuck our girlfriend, we should be able to fuck his fiancée. Street justice and what not,” I say, throwing her a humorless wink.

  “You’re kind of a pig, aren’t you?”

  “Not where it counts.”

  “So, I don’t have to worry about your voting record?”

  “Hey, I’m not the one who is two steps away from being a Fed.”

  “Damn, dude! You know how to cut deep,” she laughs. “Also, I work in special victims. I’m one of the good guys who actually wants to stop real bad guys. Not send young people away on minor drug charges.”

  “I know. I’ve seen all twenty seasons.”

  “Anyway.” She rolls her eyes. “What did Vaughn not-the-total-pig say when you told him to hit me with that payback dick?”

  “He told me he had questions for you, but he really wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean, of course you weren’t, but he saw how fucked up we were. He wanted to make sure you had someone who understood what you were dealing with.”

  She’s been jokes all morning, handling this tough conversation like a damn G. But I know that look, that feeling. When reality swoops back in and punches you in the fucking chest. Tears start to fill her eyes.

  “I don't. And I’m not,” she says. “Everyone wants me to be back to normal, but not too normal. No one cares that I might never be the same or how long I need to get there.” I grab a napkin and hand it to her. She carefully dabs her eyes, but she still fucks up her eye makeup a little. I tell her, so she’s not embarrassed later. She excuses herself to the bathroom. When she comes back, her makeup is fixed, but her eyes are more red and puffier than before, like she fought a hell of a fight not to have a full breakdown.

  “Sorry about that,” she says.

  “Don’t apologize. Let’s talk about something else.”

  “You want to see some cute-ass pictures of my nieces?”

  “Yeah. Let me see.”

  She spends the next ten minutes talking about little Palila and baby Iona. They are some cute fucking kids. She tells me about her older sister, who Brook clearly loves, and her husband Silas who owns some apple farm. She sounds happy for them, but there’s a sadness that’s settled on her shoulders and she can’t seem to shake it. I’m the dick who put it back there with our heavy breakfast conversation.

  I pay for our meal and we head back to her hotel. She’s tired again, she tells me. I think it’s best if I leave her in the lobby.

  “I’m gonna maybe take a nap and then head back to the
city later this afternoon.”

  “Okay. Let us know when you get back so we know you made it alright.”

  “I will. Thank you for breakfast and thank Vaughn. You’ve both been great.”

  “I’ll tell him.”

  She sighs before she looks up at me. “I can’t see you guys again.”

  “I know.”

  “The three of us all want something that we can’t have. Commiserating won’t bring closure. Nothing will. And that’s if we don’t try to make it something else to take the edge off.”

  “I know.”

  “And I did try to think of reasons why it would work. Like, just the sex or just the hanging out, but that’s not enough. It’ll never be enough.”

  “Brook, I know.”

  “I’m just thinking out loud.”

  “Text us when you get home and if you do want to talk to us again, you know you can.”

  “I know. And I appreciate it. I should go.”

  She doesn’t say goodbye. Just turns and walks to the elevator. I don’t watch her go. I love the idea of Brooklyn Lewis. But at the end of the day, I just want my girl back.

  Six

  Sixteen Months Later

  Brooklyn

  I manage to hold a polite smile on my face until Deek is finally out the door. I ran into him two weeks ago near our old building and he stopped me and talked to me about my parents’ apartment. The one we hold on to. I promised Liz I wouldn’t give it up, just like she’s holding on to her place in Harlem. Gentrification will probably come for both places some day, but for now we’re both subletting. Living space in any borough is precious and costly.

  Deek heard about my tenant, Missy, moving to L.A. and wanted to know if I’d be willing to rent the place to his two little sisters. He promised he’d make sure they pay on time. I remember his little sisters, sweet-faced little dickheads who were always ready to throw hands over the dumbest shit. I will not be renting to Deek’s little sisters. Even though I passed, he asked if I wanted to catch up. We haven’t seen each other in a while.

  I thought about the crush I had on him in high school and how I’d wished he’d paid any attention to me. I knew he just wanted to hit and I was okay with that. I haven’t had sex in over a year. I invited him to my new place. I made it very clear that I was using him. He flashed that smile that really would have worked on me fifteen years ago. It’s the smile that let me know he was using me too. We took it to the bedroom and I immediately regretted this decision. Deacon Wright has the stroke game of a clumsy teenager. I let him finish. I thanked him for a great time and then I sent him on his way.

  I sit on the edge of my couch, looking around my apartment, numb. It’s done. Josh is no longer the last man to touch me, the last man I’ve let inside me. As soon as the thought passes through my mind, I think of Shaw and how it had felt when he kissed me. How for weeks I fell asleep with my hand or my vibrator between my legs, picturing what it would have been like if we had skipped breakfast and if I’d invited him in. If we’d called Vaughn over. What would have happened and how I would have regretted it.

  I look at my phone. It’s barely ten o’clock. So much for the all-night fuck-a-thon I was hoping for. I think about texting the girls in our group chat. They’ll take my mind off the continued tragedy that is my love life. Maybe I can meet Noa and Rayna for a midnight snack. For some stupid, stupid reason, I text Shaw.

  I just had the worst sex of my life.

  A weird sense of shame settles over me as soon as I hit send. Talk about a bad move. I’d made it clear that I didn’t want him in my life. That trying to even be friends with Shaw and Vaughn was something that, not only was I not ready for, but would actively hurt more. Texting him like this? About another dude? It’s just tacky.

  I’m sorry, I start to type. I shouldn’t haven’t reached out like— but before I finish, he replies.

  He still there?

  I stare at the response. Look at the words I still have typed on the screen. I can still send them. I can still apologize and then delete his number. And Vaughn’s number too. I’ve made a lot of progress in the last year, but that doesn’t change the reality of what we are to each other and how we met. I need to leave Shaw alone. I need to turn to my friends and my sister in this time of comically bad sexual disappointment. But I don’t. I delete the apology I started and open myself up to a conversation with Shaw.

  No. He just left.

  I jump as my phone starts ringing in my hand. I answer with my heart still beating in my throat.

  “Jesus, Shaw,” I laugh.

  “I just wanted to hear your voice when you explained why you had the worst sex of your life when you could have called me or Vaughn.”

  “Well, I think we both know why I didn’t call either of you.”

  “But I think I can guess why you're texting me after. What happened?” His voice is so soft and deep. I close my eyes against the sound of his simple question.

  “Just an old friend from the neighborhood. The forever-single, always-in-trouble-with-three-or-four-women type. I’m sure you know a few guys like that.”

  “More than a few. Was this the first time since Josh?” he asks like he knows that if it weren’t the first time, if I wasn’t warring with weird emotions I couldn’t explain, I never would have texted him.

  “Yeah,” I admit. “I guess it’s good that it was bad. The bar is nice and low. It can only go up from here.”

  “Yeah, don’t put that shit out into the universe,” he says.

  “Good call.” I laugh because he’s right. It’s the same conversation I’ve been having with Noa and Claudia for months. I can want good things for myself. I can want real happiness. I can want whatever the fuck I want. If I want sex to be a part of my life again, why wouldn’t I want it to be good? No use in wishing for mediocre.

  “Come out to the Cape and come see me,” he says, his tone easy and calm, like it’s something we do all the time.

  “Just like that?”

  “Just like that. Vaughn will be here Friday night. You should come.”

  “And do what?”

  “Whatever you want. My place is on the beach.”

  “Public or private?” I ask for some weird reason.

  “My neighbors have access to the same stretch, but they aren’t that close and the shore bends. It’s pretty private.”

  “So, I come to your place and we go to the beach?”

  “Brook,” is all he says. He’s telling me to cut the shit. I know what he’s not saying and if I thought it wasn’t true, I would never have texted him. I want to see him and Vaughn again. When I said I needed to walk, I’d needed time and space. I’m ready now. The specifics are just a little hazy. But Shaw’s trying to make it clear. If I drive up to his place there will be sex. Sex between the three of us.

  “You have to promise me something,” I say.

  “What do you need?”

  “I need you to be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you. If we’re not feeling this, that’s fine, but I don’t want to have a false sense of anything.”

  “I can do that. And I know Vaughn can too, but you should talk to him yourself.”

  “I will.”

  We’re both quiet for a few long moments. I have a lot I want to say, but I want to say those things in person.

  “Are you okay with dogs?” Shaw asks.

  “Yeah, I kinda have to be. My sister and her husband have six.”

  “That’s a lot of fucking dogs.”

  “They live on a farm so it makes sense, but still. You have a dog?”

  “Yeah. Adopted him about six months ago. His name is Roger.”

  “That’s a cute name. I’d love to meet Roger.”

  “Bring yourself and your swim trunks. We’ll take care of the rest.”

  “Sounds like quite the weekend.”

  “I promise no part of it will be the worst anything of your life.”

  “What did you just say about putting bad shit out i
nto the universe?” I laugh.

  “Brook, bring those big titties up and let us make it worth your while.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  We say our goodbyes and later, Shaw texts me his address and gives me some pointers on the best routes to take. I promise to check in with him along the way. I go back to my room, change my sheets and crack a window as I put on the fan. Deek wears the same cologne he wore in high school and it’s all over my bed.

  “Thank you for keeping me company,” I say as I pull up to Shaw’s driveway. It looks exactly the same as the Google Earth pictures I’d pulled up the day before.

  “No problem. I’m almost done with my puzzle, so we did each other a favor,” Noa says through the speakers.

  “Promise me you’ll go out with Rayna tonight,” I laugh.

  “I will!” Noa’s been on a real puzzle kick lately. It’s the most wholesome hobby ever, but she’s gotten real competitive about it with some random dude she was playfully shit talking online. Now every Saturday, she won’t leave her apartment until she finishes a new massive puzzle. This week’s is Pugs In Space. She sent me a picture of the box before I got on the road.

  I pull up the hedge-lined driveway, right to the massive colonial. It’s a gorgeous house from the outside. Two stories, with what looks like a one-story addition. The grey wood shingles are weathered in this perfect way and the white trim looks brand new. I see Vaughn’s SUV parked in the driveway and try not to laugh at the fact that we practically have the same car. I stop my Tahoe right beside his Escalade in front of the garage. Off to the right in the middle of the yard is a big red barn, half covered with ivy. I’m guessing that’s Shaw’s wood shop. Movement to my left catches my eye and I see Shaw step out of the side door. A sleek chocolate lab pokes his head out to see who’s arrived.

  “I’m here,” I tell Noa.