Sia Martinez and the Moonlit Beginning of Everything Read online

  To Ansel.

  You are my greatest dream come true.

  I love you, I love you, I love you.

  Please be aware that Sia Martinez and the Moonlit Beginning of Everything contains the following content:

  Sexual Assault

  PTSD

  Physical Abuse

  Parental Death

  Racist Violence

  1

  IT’S BEEN SIX HUNDRED AND nineteen days since I found out Mom died. And only one until I get my revenge.

  It’s all thanks to Mrs. Tawn, my elderly English teacher.

  “It would be such a blessing if we could all put this unfortunate incident behind us, for the school and the community.” She smiles, displaying white teeth stained with peach lipstick.

  I close my eyes and nod, though I can only think about how clean the words sound, unfortunate incident, as if renaming a murder could make it something that can be tucked away and forgotten, much like my trig homework.

  “After all,” she adds, raising her eyebrows, “forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

  I roll my eyes so hard, I can basically see my brain. Only old white people came to me and Dad after Mom died, going on about forgiveness. Even Rose’s mom, with her rosaries and holy water, had the sense to never mention such an impossible act.

  Mrs. Tawn takes way too long to stand and reach over her desk to place her translucent hand on mine. “Write a letter to Jeremy expressing humanity and grace.”

  I have no idea what that even means, but Mrs. Tawn beams as if she’s revealing the universe’s secrets. “You’ll be the first to read in class. Does that sound alright, Sia?”

  I snap my hand back. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

  2

  “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU going to write?” Rose asks as we drink milkshakes at Maude’s after school.

  “It’s gonna be my revenge, Rose. So, the truth. Which is exactly what he deserves.” I shrug. “Maybe then I can move past all this and become, like, I don’t know. Normal?”

  “Oh, heck yes. Revenge. Normal.” She pauses. “But, like, write what, exactly?”

  I twirl my straw. “How about, Hey, Jeremy, you’re a big jerk and your dad is a disgusting subhuman. Oh, and by the way, you’re also both racist assholes, and I wish I could stomp on your ugly, freckled faces until you choke.”

  Rose’s eyes are wide and she touches a finger to her lips.

  Shit. The whole restaurant is way too quiet. My cheeks burn. Damn it, Sia. This is why no one sees you as anything beyond the Angsty Girl Whose Mom Died.

  Rose changes the subject quickly. Nail polish or something. I can hardly listen till we get out to the parking lot, where I kick the sand. It settles in a cloud all over my shoe. “This town is too small.”

  “No one heard. Really.”

  “Rose.” I sigh.

  “Okay. Maybe they did hear some of it. But no one’s going to make a big deal about it.”

  I just nod. God knows I want her to be right. She’s not, but man, that would be nice.

  3

  I PASS MR. ALBARN ON HIS way out of homeroom AS he mumbles something about not having enough copies. The second he’s out the door, Jeremy McAssHat sits on his desk and says, loud, “Hey, Eric, wanna hear my draft for Tawn’s letter?” He and Eric snicker. And everyone in class leans in.

  “Dear Sia Martinez.” He makes an exaggerated effort to roll his r’s, but he still manages to sound, and look, like an especially ugly fish pulled out of the water. “I heard you were talking shit about me at Maude’s yesterday. Fact of the matter is, everyone in town is on my side. I got spies everywhere.” He lowers his paper and stares at me. Well, not at me. More like my hair. Coward. “My dad’s the sheriff. Your dad’s a park prancer.” He and Eric laugh like that was extra funny. “You got nowhere to go and nowhere to hide.” And that’s when he makes his fatal mistake. “Just like your mom.”

  There’s an audible gasp in the classroom. Mostly people look horrified, but Jeremy and Eric take no notice as they laugh like apes.

  I wish I could say this is the moment Mr. Albarn walks in and that’s why no one defends me. That they have no time to call Jeremy an ugly horse-face. But it’s three excruciating minutes before Albarn returns. No one says a word as Jeremy points at me and says, “Aw, I was joking, doll. Don’t gotta take everything so seriously.”

  I don’t listen to a word of Mr. Albarn’s lecture. Instead, I write my letter to Jeremy. After I sign my name, my hands don’t shake anymore. I think that’s a good thing.

  4

  Dear Jeremy,

  Monday morning, you, yet again, called my dad a “park prancer.” I don’t know why you talk like my dad’s job is an insult, because being a park ranger is awesome. Also, my dad has a PhD in biology from Stanford. He’s literally the smartest person I know.

  He met my mother when they were twentysomething. Long story short, she broke his nose and he fell in love. They ended up together and we moved here so my dad could study the species that rely on the cacti forest.

  Three years ago, your father, a deputy sheriff, turned my mom over to ICE, who sent her to Mexico, a place she hadn’t seen since she was six months old. She tried to come back to us a hundred times, but they didn’t let her. Finally, she decided to cross the Sonoran. That was the last thing we heard from her.

  Last June, my dad told me my mother was dead. I’ve hated summer since.

  Maybe my father’s a park prancer, if that’s what you insist on calling it.

  But at least he’s not a murderer.

  Sincerely,

  Sia

  5

  THE SILENCE IN THE ROOM is thick. As though you can toss it over your shoulder, take it home, and cook it for dinner. But Jeremy shatters it. He stands and shouts, “Who the hell do you think you are?” He charges, while Eric and Tate hold him back. I want to smirk and say, Oh, doll, it was just a joke, but things are way too loud with the class erupting into shouts and hollers and Mrs. Tawn’s coyote screech trying to rise above chaos.

  Eventually, I find myself outside the principal’s office.

  Dad runs down the hall. “Sia! What happened?”

  I guess all they told him was I’d had an altercation with another student, no details, so he let his mind run with all the possible worst-case scenarios. I explain it to him as he catches his breath.

  Rose thinks my dad is handsome. I don’t let her say what she’s really thinking—that he’s hot, ugh—but when my dad gets all intense like this, I can picture him in the men’s Express catalog or something, looking off into the distance while wearing a polka-dotted skinny tie.

  By the time I’m done speaking, Dad’s eyes are narrow and his jaw is tight, and I thank all the gods it’s not me he’s mad at.

  We walk into the office where Jeremy sits with his dad. I always want to throw up when I see Tim McGhee, especially when he’s in his too-tight-round-the-gut cop uniform. The principal, Mr. Savoy, dismisses them and they both glare at me as they leave. I wonder what they’d say if Mr. Savoy weren’t here. They’ve both called me and Dad some pretty nasty names when there weren’t any witnesses.

  Dad speaks first. “I don’t want that woman teaching my daughter anymore.”

  “Mr. Martinez, will you please have a seat?” Mr. Savoy pushes up his square, green-rimmed glasses.

  “Not until I’m finished, sir. I want her transferred out of that class immediately.”

  “Your daughter provoked Mr. McGhee with callous and baseless accusations regarding, the, ah—” He coughs for a few seconds and I shake my head, biting back a grimace. He
can’t even say it.

  “I don’t give a damn what she did or didn’t say. I want a good reason why I shouldn’t sue your school for a callous and baseless assignment that triggered Sia’s PTSD.”

  Mr. Savoy turns a deep shade of pink as my dad continues. “Do you routinely allow your teachers to interfere with the students’ psychological processing of traumatic events?”

  Mr. Savoy is now shuffling papers like he’s looking for lost correspondence from the president.

  I know people threaten to sue everyone all the time, but my dad has a lawyer and she’s totally sued the Caraway Police Department for racial profiling anyone who’s remotely brown with the hopes of deporting them. My dad’s been searched a dozen times for “papers” in the last two years alone, even though he was freaking born in Oklahoma. Plus, this town is so small, everyone knows he’s legal. Word got around about the lawsuit I guess, as it always does. And now he can get any petty man to tremble with the idea of their worst fear. Losing money.

  “Let’s not get carried away, now,” Mr. Savoy says finally. “I’m sure we can work something out.”

  6

  “WHY’D YOU DO IT, M’IJA?” Dad won’t look at me. “Why’d you call him a murderer?”

  I glance out the window of his Chevy at the sky, so blue and cloudless it looks like someone draped a silk up there. “Revenge.”

  Dad sucks in a breath. “Was it worth it?”

  “Yes.”

  When I glance at him, his eyes are closed. “Sia. We can’t hold onto anger, to hatred like this. It makes us no better than them.”

  “Have you forgiven the sheriff, Dad?”

  His eyes whip open and he stares at me for ten whole seconds. I can see myself in his pupils. The clench in my jaw. Finally, he blinks away and turns the car on.

  Neither of us says anything on the way home.

  7

  IN THE END, I GET transferred to a new science and English class. Dad can’t get me out of a three-day suspension. It’s not fair the true villain, Jeremy, doesn’t have to deal with any punishment whatsoever. Just like his dad. But at least I don’t have to see his ugly pug face first thing in the morning anymore.

  I hear Sheriff McGhee wants me kicked out. Not a surprise. He wants every brown person kicked out of everywhere.

  8

  MY GRANDMOTHER LIANA HERNAN TOLD me she sent spirits to help my mom survive the Sonoran. Up until the day she died, Abuela was convinced Mami was still out there. “Ponte una flor en tu cabello, Sia, your mamita might come back today.” And it didn’t matter what anyone told her. She said, “M’ija vive.” My daughter lives.

  I can’t believe that anymore, but I’m just as superstitious as that viejita. Every new moon, I drive deep into the desert and light San Anthony’s y La Guadalupe’s candles for one hour, to guide Mom home. Abuela used to do it like clockwork. Moonwork, she’d call it, but now it’s up to me.

  Sometimes Rose joins me, but tonight she’s at choir rehearsal. Tonight it’s me, Anthony, and la Madre, the blue-core flames, and a river of saguaros, tall, arms stretched like a welcome. Or like an attack.

  Once I looked up what it’s like to bake to death in a desert. How in only a matter of weeks, someone goes from alive to half-eaten by birds and coyotes to bone, white and smooth against the taupe sand.

  When I’m eighteen, I want to find my mother’s skeleton. I want to string it together and sing her alive, just like my grandmother said the first curanderas did, their clay skin still wet from the fog of God’s breath.

  9

  IT’S GETTING DARK. I PROMISED Dad I wouldn’t be out too late, so I snuff the candles with my fingertips and climb back into my rickety Jeep. As I turn the key, I stifle a gasp when headlights approach. They stop some thirty yards away.

  I don’t know what to think. I’ve never seen anyone else here in my spot before, between the two cacti that look particularly humanoid. The ones my grandmother said might’ve created the world.

  The car stops and its headlights shut off. I wait a few minutes and press the gas. Screw it. I know I’m not supposed to be here, but what could happen?

  I gulp, thinking what Sheriff McGhee would do to me out here, too far away for anyone to see.

  I know he didn’t pull the trigger on Mom. But I think he wouldn’t mind at all if my skeleton joined hers.

  I drive by, slowly, and exhale long and thick when I see it’s just an old pickup truck, red and rusty. I can’t see who’s inside. I just make my way home.

  10

  NEW STUDENT ALERT, ROSE TEXTS the next day. I check my watch. She’s at lunch.

  Guy or girl? I text back.

  Guy. Very much.

  I raise my eyebrows. So you like him?

  I didn’t say that.

  I chuckle. I can almost hear her, the playful tone in her voice.

  Name?

  Noah.

  Noah what?

  Dunno.

  I wait a minute. You’re not gonna tell me how he looks?

  Later. Gotta go. Class.

  I roll my eyes and groan. Rose loves keeping things in suspense. I know she’s planning on giving me the details in person, stretching drop by teeny drop like coconut syrup. I sigh and toss the phone on my bed.

  11

  I’VE READ SOME OF THE house of the spirits by Isabel Allende (one of Mom’s books), had brunch, made tea, spent an hour scrolling aimlessly on social media, tossed dinner in the slow cooker, and organized our spice rack. I can’t believe I still have six hours before Dad gets home from work.

  Even though it’s too damn hot to do anything outside but pant like a hare, I push my sunglasses on and wander into the light.

  My abuela always had a reverence for maíz. She lined kernels on all her altars, small and dried like saved baby teeth. She said maíz es la madre, el padre, los hermanos y hermanas, y toda las familias. She said for all we knew, we came from pieces of corn at the beginning of everything. She spoke like that a lot, as if she wasn’t sure about some things, like whether or not it was okay to go to church while bleeding. Or whether we are the descendants of plants.

  She grew corn every year, until she was too old and rickety. Then Mami grew it. And now they’re both gone, so I grow maíz. My corn patch is little, but it’s always stuffed with stalks. I plant too many kernels and I can’t bring myself to thin them out.

  This year, I’m growing Oaxacan dent and a variety that’s so red it looks like blood. I planted marigolds between them, to attract pollinators that will cross the corn.

  I want to make something new. Make something that will mean living here is less painful.

  The stalks reach up and up like they see something out there I can’t, something they need to touch. I take a husk in my hand and give it a gentle squeeze. They’re already bigger this year than the last.

  Feed them coffee. My grandmother’s voice is as thick and defined as the wind, and I roll my eyes. Always meddling, that vieja, even from the afterlife.

  “Fine,” I grumble, and go inside to boil the water for the French press.

  When the cobs are all ripe, I’m going to pluck and dry and grind them in my molcajete. I’ll mix them into a masa, thick, roll them in Abuela’s old tortilla press. Cook with cheese and hot peppers, eggs on the side, diced avocado. Our own special, homegrown, coffee-fed corn tortillas. I think Dad would like that.

  12

  “GREEN EYES,” ROSE ANNOUNCES AS she walks into my room this evening. She throws her backpack down and takes a seat in my desk chair, leaning back.

  “Green eyes,” I repeat.

  “Yes.” She stands and falls onto my bed, arm outstretched dramatically, as though she were reciting a monologue in a tragedy. “Just like Harry Potter.”

  Then it clicks. “Oh! You mean the new guy.”

  “You mean new…” She pauses. “Man.”

  “Ew. What do you mean by that?”

  “He’s tall. Broad shoulders. Dark hair. Tan.”

  “White boy tan, you
mean?”

  “Yeah.” She lifts her head to look at me. “How’d you know he’s white?”

  “You said his name is Noah, remember?”

  “Oh, yeah.” She sighs, drops her head back down. “Noah DuPont. That’s his whole white boy name.”

  “So he’s French?”

  “Dunno. Didn’t speak to him. He’s in our earth and space class, though.”

  Oh, right. I’d nearly forgotten about my schedule change.

  “We also have a new earth and space teacher by the way.”

  “What?”

  “Mrs. Presley went into early labor.”

  “Wow. Is she okay?”

  “I guess so. She’s on bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy.”

  I crawl to my headboard, lean back, and cross my legs. “So we have a new boy and a new teacher all in the same class.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Rose pushes up again. “How was the first day of your temporary exile?”

  I shrug. “Kinda long, actually.”

  “Aha!” Rose reaches for her bag and pulls out a folder. Tosses it in my lap.

  “What’s this?”

  “The cure for your boredom, my lady. All the assignments you’ll miss for the whole three days.”

  “Really?” I open it and pull out a couple of worksheets. “This is un-freaking-believable!”

  Rose cocks her head. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, why?” I’m examining the list of assignments from trig class.

  “I’ve never seen you so excited about anything before. Like, ever.”

  “Well, this,” I say, holding up the papers, “isn’t part of the terms of my punishment. I’m not supposed to be able to catch up.”

  Rose scoffs. “Really? That’s ridiculous.”

  I hum in agreement, my eyes still on the papers. “So you walked up to all my teachers today, asking them for my work?”