TARTUFFE Read online

That massive, no, majestic nose –

  These are not things at which to sneeze –

  This is a moment you must seize.

  MARIANE: Oh, God!

  DORINE: You’ll be the happiest wife,

  With Tartuffe, day and night, for life!

  MARIANE: Stop it, Dorine! You’re torturing me!

  Prevent this wedding! Hear my plea!

  I have no help on earth but you –

  Please! Save me! Tell me what to do

  And I will do it, come what may.

  DORINE: Your father’s spoken – you’ll obey.

  Marry a monkey, if need be.

  It’ll be Heaven. Wait and see.

  You’ll take a coach to his home town

  Which will be teeming, overgrown

  With relatives – dozens and dozens

  Of lovely uncles, aunts, and cousins.

  Now, there’s a prospect to enthral,

  You’ll love it when they come to call,

  Then there’ll be calls for you to pay,

  On all the smart set. Who are they?

  Well, there’s the bailiff’s wife, the mayor’s

  (Coffee and cakes in comfy chairs)

  Then there’ll be dancing, at the fair –

  There’d be some music, wouldn’t there?

  They’re bound to have some bagpipes, no?

  And don’t forget the puppet show,

  Ah! Punch and Judy – what delight!

  Though, there again, your husband might...

  MARIANE: You’ll kill me! Please, devise some plan

  To rescue me from this vile man!

  DORINE: No.

  MARIANE: Please!

  DORINE: You’ve earned him, I’m afraid,

  I won’t be coming to your aid.

  MARIANE: But...

  DORINE: Uh-uh.

  MARIANE: But I’ve told you straight...

  DORINE: Sorry. You must accept your fate.

  MARIANE: You can’t abandon me, Dorine!

  For Heaven’s sake, you’ve always been

  The loyal companion at my side

  When...

  DORINE: You’re to be Tartuffified.

  MARIANE: Alright, then, since you just don’t care,

  Abandon me to my despair,

  Despair itself will rescue me,

  Supply the surest remedy!

  She is going.

  DORINE: Where are you off to? Come back here!

  MARIANE obeys, DORINE softens.

  I may have been a mite severe.

  I can’t help pitying your plight.

  We’ll find a way to put things right.

  No need for torment and despair.

  We’ll sort it out. Here comes Valère.

  MARIANE: I mean it, though: I’ll have to die –

  What choice is there, if he and I...

  Enter VALERE.

  VALERE: (To MARIANE.) Madame, I cannot but enthuse

  Over this marvellous piece of news.

  MARIANE: What news?

  VALERE: Your latest marriage plan –

  I’m told Tartuffe is now the man.

  MARIANE: My father does have something planned –

  He means to give Tartuffe my hand...

  VALERE: He does?

  MARIANE: He’s changed his mind.

  VALERE: He’s what?

  MARIANE: He’s just informed me.

  VALERE: Surely not!

  MARIANE: Tartuffe’s his choice.

  VALERE: What about you?

  You’re telling me he’s your choice too?

  MARIANE: I don’t know...

  VALERE: That’s a nice reply!

  MARIANE: What would you counsel?

  VALERE: What would I?!

  Oh, marry him!

  MARIANE: That’s your advice?

  VALERE: Yes. Snap him up, at any price.

  He’ll be a feather in your cap!

  MARIANE: You mean that?

  VALERE: Yes.

  MARIANE: Then up I’ll snap!

  VALERE: Without a qualm, it would appear!

  MARIANE: Don’t start on me! It’s your idea!

  VALERE: But it’s advice you hoped to hear.

  MARIANE: I’ll take him – if it pleases you.

  DORINE: (Aside.) Let’s see where this is leading to.

  VALERE: So much for your love! All along

  I thought you meant it – I was wrong.

  MARIANE: Don’t speak of that, please. Your advice

  Was ‘snap him up at any price’

  And that’s what I intend to do.

  Thank you for counselling me to.

  VALERE: Don’t try and play that devious game

  And lumber me with all the blame –

  You’ve obviously made up your mind –

  You want him, and you’ll never find

  Any excuse for what you’ve done –

  You broke a vow, a sacred one.

  MARIANE: Quite so! You’re absolutely right!

  VALERE: My hold on you was very slight.

  You never really cared for me.

  MARIANE: You’re free to think so.

  VALERE: You’ll soon see

  Treachery’s a game that two can play:

  There’s plenty more fish, as they say.

  MARIANE: Fish you can catch, I have no doubt.

  VALERE: I’m nothing to write home about.

  I couldn’t keep you on the hook.

  (Darkly again.) However, I know where to look

  For someone who’ll accept me, who

  Won’t mind that I’ve been spurned by you,

  Who’ll soothe, redeem, console...

  MARIANE: Console!

  Good! Excellent! You’re still heart-whole.

  And soon you will have found a mate,

  One who will more than compensate.

  VALERE: I’m going to have a damned good try,

  On that, Madame, you can rely.

  When we’re rejected, our sole aim

  Must be to mitigate the shame,

  Purge the embarrassment away,

  Find a new girl, without delay.

  The worst thing is to hang about,

  Pining for one who’s chucked us out.

  And if we don’t achieve our end

  We must, for honour’s sake, pretend.

  The man who doesn’t is a fool.

  MARIANE: Well said, Monsieur. A noble rule!

  VALERE: Well, what am I supposed to do,

  Go to my grave in love with you?

  Never pursue a girl again

  While you cavort with other men?

  MARIANE: No, no, pursue one. Please. Feel free.

  Start now. It’s not too soon for me.

  VALERE: You’re keen that I should...?

  MARIANE: Yes. I am.

  VALERE: You’ve scoffed at me enough, Madame.

  I’ll do your bidding. Off I go.

  MARIANE: Who’s stopping you?

  He takes a step to leave, but keeps coming back.

  VALERE: Remember, though,

  There’s really nothing I want less,

  I’m acting on your orders.

  MARIANE: Yes.

  VALERE: Following your example.

  MARIANE: Fine.

  VALERE: Alright, then, I’ll waste no more time.

  You’ll have your wish at once.

  MARIANE: Oh, good.

  VALERE: I just want one thing understood:

  This is for life. For good and all.

  MARIANE: About time.

  VALERE: Hmm?

  MARIANE: What?

  VALERE: Did you call?

  MARIANE: You’re hearing things.

  VALERE: Then I must fly.

  Don’t follow me... Madame – goodbye.

  MARIANE: Goodbye, Monsieur.

  DORINE: Are you both cracked?

  It’s daft, is this, and that’s a fact!

  I would have interrupted you –

  I only left
it till I knew

  How far you’d go... Monsieur Valère!

  VALERE: What do you want?

  DORINE: Just stop right there!

  She grabs his arm, he pretends to make a great effort to get away.

  VALERE: No, no, I’m leaving. It’s too late.

  I’ve got to find another mate.

  It’s what she wants. You heard her.

  DORINE: Wait!

  MARIANE: Perhaps I’d better go instead.

  I’ll only drive him off his head

  If I stay here. (Going.)

  DORINE lets go of VALERE and grabs hold of MARIANE.

  DORINE: Come back!

  MARIANE: Let go!

  DORINE: Come back this instant!

  MARIANE: No, no, no,

  You won’t persuade me to remain.

  VALERE: My presence causes her such pain

  I’ll go, and rid her of a pest.

  DORINE: You put my patience to the test!

  Stop this and come back, both of you.

  VALERE: What for?

  MARIANE: What are you going to do?

  DORINE: Sort the whole muddle out somehow,

  So drop this stupid quarrel now!

  VALERE: You heard her. She was very rude.

  DORINE: I don’t defend her attitude.

  MARIANE: As if he wasn’t rude to me!

  DORINE: I’m sick of both, quite honestly.

  Now, let me make this crystal clear:

  (To VALERE.) Mariane loves you, do you hear?

  (To MARIANE.) Valère completely dotes on you.

  MARIANE: Then why did he advise me to...?

  VALERE: Why did she need advice from me

  On such a subject?

  DORINE: Honestly!

  You’re mad, the pair of you. Come here.

  Give me your hands please. You too, dear.

  VALERE: (Giving her his hand.)

  What for?

  MARIANE: (Giving her hers.) What good’s this going to do?

  DORINE: Sweet Jesus! If you only knew

  How deep in love you are.

  VALERE: Since when?

  (To MARIANE.) She had to grab your hand just then,

  You’re looking at me now with hate!

  DORINE: (Aside.) Beyond all question, I can state

  That lovers are completely mad!

  VALERE: (To MARIANE.) Don’t say I had no cause. I had.

  The callous way you broke the news!

  That, for a start, you can’t excuse.

  MARIANE: What about you? You’ve been a brute!

  Is that a charge you can refute?

  DORINE: Look, can we just let all this bile

  Cool down and settle for a while?

  We have to stop this marriage. Now:

  Let’s just keep calm and work out how.

  MARIANE: Alright, then, tell us: what’s the plan?

  DORINE: Use every crafty ruse we can.

  Your father’s clearly gone insane

  The Tartuffe bug has got his brain –

  Rather than have him using force,

  For now, I think your safest course,

  Is to pretend to play along –

  That way, if all our schemes go wrong,

  There’ll still be scope for some delay:

  How d’you postpone a wedding day?

  Well, obviously, there’s no end

  Of strategies – you could pretend

  To suddenly have fallen ill,

  Had magpies on your windowsill,

  Or seen a ghost, or dreamed a dream,

  And variations on that theme.

  Meanwhile, it’s not a good idea

  For your papa to find him here (Indicates VALERE.)

  Consorting with you.

  (To VALERE.) Right, dear: shoo!

  The master made a pledge to you,

  You’ve got a handle on him there,

  Start bringing influence to bear,

  Enlist your friends –

  (To MARIANE.) I should have thought

  We’ll get your stepmother’s support,

  Then there’s your crazy brother too –

  We’ll have to see what he can do.

  VALERE: (To DORINE.) We’ll leave no avenue untried –

  My God, I’m glad you’re on our side!

  MARIANE: (To VALERE.) My father may have fixed his course

  But I’m not changing mine: I’m yours!

  Yours unto death!

  VALERE: What boundless bliss!

  No earthly joy approaching this...

  DORINE: Sssshhhh! Why must lovers chatter so?

  VALERE: Whatever they...

  DORINE: For God’s sake, go!

  VALERE: Whatever they’re conniving at...

  DORINE: Go! You through this door, you through that!

  She pushes them off in different directions.

  End of Act Two.

  ACT THREE

  A room in Orgon’s house. DORINE, DAMIS.

  DAMIS: I’ll ward off this catastrophe.

  If anything should hinder me

  Let all France brand me as a clot,

  Or lightning strike me on the spot!

  DORINE: You’re too worked up by half, you are.

  What has your father done, so far?

  It’s all hot air, a scheme, a thought

  That twenty thousand things could thwart.

  DAMIS: I’ll stop his plot in mid-career

  A friendly word in Tartuffe’s ear,

  That’s what’s re–

  DORINE: Steady as you go!

  There’s still your stepmother, you know –

  Tartuffe might well be swayed by her.

  I think he’s smitten – if he were,

  We’d practically be home and dry.

  She’s asked to meet him here.

  DAMIS: Oh? Why?

  DORINE: To wheedle from him what she can

  About his thoughts on Mariane –

  This marriage that’s upset you so –

  She’ll gauge how far he means to go,

  And also try to make him see

  What repercussions there could be

  If he decided to pursue

  The course your father wants him to.

  His valet says he’s still upstairs,

  Finishing off his morning prayers,

  But he’ll be down soon. Disappear!

  Go on! I’ll wait for him down here.

  DAMIS: I’m witnessing this interview.

  DORINE: Oh, no you’re not – be off with you!

  DAMIS: I’ll keep my mouth shut – promise.

  DORINE: No.

  It’s him and her. Now off you go!

  Your temper carries you away,

  You’ll only wreck things if you stay.

  DAMIS: I’ll be as good as gold, I swear.

  Won’t even speak – I’ll just be there.

  (We hear TARTUFFE’s voice, off.)

  DORINE: I’ve had it up to here with you!

  Heck! I can hear him coming! Shoo!

  She pushes DAMIS off.

  Enter TARTUFFE, with LAURENT.

  TARTUFFE: (He has seen DORINE. To LAURENT.)

  My hairshirt may need wringing out,

  Also my scourge, Laurent. No doubt,

  When that is done, you’ll wish to pray.

  If anybody wants me, say

  I’m at the prison.

  LAURENT: What to do?

  TARTUFFE: Just doling out my final sous.

  DORINE: (Aside.) What an affected fraud he is!

  TARTUFFE: (To DORINE.)

  What do you want?

  DORINE: (Coming forward.) A word.

  TARTUFFE: (Gives her his handkerchief.) Use this!

  DORINE: Pardon?

  TARTUFFE: Your bosom’s well-nigh bare!

  It wounds the soul, it’s Satan’s snare,

  Engendering sinful thoughts, so, please,

  Cover your improprieties!

  DORINE: You mean
two measly breasts can wreak

  Such havoc? Is your flesh so weak?

  Your blood so turbulent and hot?

  Well, mine is definitely not:

  Take you for instance: you could be

  Completely nude, right next to me,

  Just reams and reams of naked skin

  And I’d have no desire to sin.

  TARTUFFE: Be pure of speech, Dorine, I pray,

  Or must I leave the room?

  DORINE: No, stay.

  I’m going – all I had to say

  Is that Madame would like a chat

  If you can spare the time for that.

  She’s coming down.

  TARTUFFE: A talk with her?

  Gladly!

  DORINE: (Aside.) He’s changed his pious tune –

  He’s all but gone into a swoon –

  He loves her, then. So now we know.

  I said as much an hour ago,

  And I was right.

  TARTUFFE: Will she be long?

  DORINE: (Aside.) Na, fuck me sideways if I’m wrong.

  Noise off, of ELMIRE on stairs.

  Ah! Do I hear her now? I do.

  I think it’s high time I withdrew.

  Exit DORINE by one door, enter ELMIRE by another.

  TARTUFFE: Through the Lord’s bounty, may you find

  Good health, of body and of mind,

  And Heaven bless you every way

  As I, its humble servant, pray.

  ELMIRE: Thanks for that pious wish. But please,

  Let’s sit – we might be more at ease.

  TARTUFFE: I hope I find you well at last!

  ELMIRE: A nasty fever, but it passed.

  TARTUFFE: Can I have worked upon God’s will?

  I’ve been at prayer since you fell ill.

  Have I restored your health, Madame,

  Base, undeserving though I am

  Of Heaven’s grace?

  ELMIRE: What pains you take!

  And all for my unworthy sake.

  You waste your precious zeal on me.

  TARTUFFE: Not so, Madame – no pains could be

  Too great in such a cherished cause –

  I’d gladly trade my health for yours.

  ELMIRE: This is a debt I dare not owe –

  Too good, too kind, too Christian.

  TARTUFFE: No!

  It’s less than you deserve, by far.

  ELMIRE: Well, we’re alone. I’m glad we are.

  You see, I’ve something to discuss,

  Strictly between the two of us...

  TARTUFFE: Yes, we’re alone, and I’m glad too,

  It’s like...like tasting honeydew,