Tales From a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All Read online

  I felt like I’d just been hit in the face with a bat.

  So that was the master plan!

  If my dad stopped working for WCD, I would lose my scholarship. But to make sure I was permanently out of her hair, MacKenzie was going to convince her dad to transfer my dad to the other side of the state?!

  Which meant we’d have to move.

  And if he refused to move, he’d end up UNEMPLOYED! After he’d pretty much liquidated his own successful business and sacrificed the WCD scholarship he’d arranged for his daughter.

  I felt SO SORRY for my dad! He probably had no idea he was dealing with such RUTHLESS people.

  That’s when I noticed all three girls staring at me.

  “Nikki, are you okay?” Zoey asked. “You don’t look so good.”

  “Actually, I DON’T feel very good. I think it was that leftover Spam Casserole Surprise we had in the cafeteria,” I lied.

  I could NOT believe I had gone through ALL of this drama for the past month only to find out in the end that I might STILL have to leave WCD!!

  I blinked back my tears.

  Then I prayed my dad WASN’T planning to quit his job to work for MacKenzie’s dad full-time.

  But after he’d gotten rid of his van last week, the likelihood of that happening seemed very high.

  At least things turned out okay for Chloe and Zoey.

  But the thought of having to say good-bye to them and Brandon was just . . . heart wrenching!

  They say “Life is like a box of chocolates.”

  But my box is full of the yucky, gooey, smushed, cherry ones!

  And that STINKS!!

  !!

  FRIDAY, JANUARY 31

  OMG! OMG! OMG!

  All I can say right now is . . . OMG! I don’t even know where to BEGIN!!! My day was just so . . . OMG!!

  Even though I didn’t get expelled from school yesterday, everything was still pretty much a disaster.

  I knew that as long as my dad was working for MacKenzie’s father, my life was going to be a major DRAMA FEST!

  Brianna and Miss Penelope woke me up by jumping in my bed and screaming, “Wake up! Wake up! Dad has a really fabulous surprise for us. Come outside and see it!”

  I was like, JUST GREAT ! He was probably going to announce he’d taken that job with MacKenzie’s dad and we were moving. There was probably a huge moving van parked outside or something.

  I quickly put on a sweater over my pj’s and trudged out into the cold morning air. Brianna was right! It was a FABULOUS surprise . . . .

  DAD, MAX THE ROACH, AND OUR RAGGEDY OLD VAN WERE BACK WHERE THEY BELONGED!

  I never thought I’d be so happy to see all three of them together again.

  Dad explained that although he liked working for Hollister Holdings, he preferred being his own boss. And he liked having a flexible work schedule so he could spend more time with his family.

  He said working for Mr. Hollister had inspired him to try and expand his OWN business, Maxwell’s Bug Extermination.

  That’s when Mom told Dad that he had proved to both her and the world that he was a shrewd and savage business shark after all.

  We were all so proud of my dad that we tackled him and gave him a big hug and a kiss.

  So it looks like my bug extermination scholarship won’t be in jeopardy after all.

  MacKenzie’s going to blow a gasket when she finds out.

  She is such a control freak!

  But at least she’s not controlling my dad anymore.

  Anyway, later this evening when I was getting ready for Brandon’s party, I found out at the last minute my mom had to stand in for a sick parent and be the driver for Brianna’s dance class car pool.

  Mom was all like, “Nikki, dear, I’m STILL planning to take you to Brandon’s party. But we have a teeny-tiny complication regarding your transportation HOME. So your dad has agreed to help.”

  I could not believe my own mother would LIE right to my face like that. Sorry, Mom! But it WASN’T a teeny-tiny complication.

  IT WAS A SUPERSIZED, GIGANTIC, HUMONGOUS BLOB OF A PROBLEM!!

  WHY?

  Because my parents casually informed me that I was going to be picked up by—wait for it, wait for it . . .

  DAD and Max the Roach.

  Even though I was happy Dad was no longer working for Hollister Holdings, there was just NO WAY I was going to let Brandon see me getting into that wacky-looking roachmobile.

  And even worse, he finally would know what a huge PHONY I am.

  Why couldn’t DAD drive for Brianna’s dance class?!

  Then, instead of brutally traumatizing ME for LIFE, Dad could take Brianna and her little friends joyriding. It would be more fun than DISNEY WORLD!!

  BRIANNA AND HER FRIENDS, JOYRIDING IN THE ROACHMOBILE

  That’s when I made a VERY difficult decision. I was NOT going to Brandon’s party ! Even though I had a present for him, after getting this week’s allowance.

  And being the honest person that I am, I planned to tell Brandon and all my friends the truth: Something had come up at the last minute.

  Namely, my LUNCH! I was so SICK of my life !!

  I had picked up the phone to break the bad news to Chloe and Zoey when my mom knocked on my bedroom door and stuck her head inside.

  “Nikki, dear, would you please write down the time you need to be picked up from your party along with the address and telephone number and give it to your dad? He doesn’t have the best memory and gets lost going to the mailbox.”

  But before I could tell her I’d changed my mind about the whole party thing, she closed my door and disappeared into the hall.

  I just sighed and dialed Zoey’s number.

  Actually, Dad NOT finding the house would be a really GOOD thing because—

  Suddenly a little lightbulb clicked on in my brain, and I had a stroke of pure genius.

  Brandon’s party was going to be at Theo’s house because he had a cool, arcade-style game room with an awesome sound system. The address was 725 Hidden Lake Drive. But what if Dad parked and waited for me about a block away? At ANOTHER address? Then no one at the party would see me getting into the van with him and Max the Roach.

  PROBLEM. SOLVED. !!

  I quickly hung up the phone.

  Then I scribbled all of my party information for Dad.

  Just like Mom had instructed.

  Except I kind of fudged on the address-and-phone-number part:

  Was I not brilliant? !!

  Anyway, Brandon’s birthday party was just as fun as I had imagined.

  It was really cool hanging out with all my friends.

  I even surprised myself and had a total change of heart about asking begging Brandon for that extra invitation for someone to attend his party, namely . . .

  Sorry, MacKenzie and Jessica !!

  Chloe and Zoey kept me laughing.

  And as usual, Violet brought her fab music collection and rocked the house.

  Literally!

  Theo had just about every type of pizza imaginable delivered hot and fresh by Queasy Cheesy.

  Yep—Queasy Cheesy!

  I was shocked to find out that Theo’s family owns the one at the mall. As well as the other 173 locations in the national chain.

  And get this!

  As a special treat, his dad gave each one of us three FREE gift certificates for an all-you-can-eat Queasy Cheesy Pizza Fest.

  OMG! I was SUPERhappy about that!

  Because if I gave one Queasy Cheesy certificate to Mom, one to Dad, and one to Brianna, I’d pretty much have ALL of my Christmas shopping done for next year!

  Without having to spend ANY of my OWN money.

  How COOL is THAT?

  Anyway, I couldn’t believe how quickly the time passed, and soon it was 10:00 p.m.

  But we were having so much fun, no one wanted to leave.

  I wasn’t really the least bit worried because, according to my brilliant plan, my dad was patiently waiting fo
r me somewhere nearby.

  So of course I had a complete MELTDOWN when the doorbell rang and . . .

  MY DAD HAD JUST CRASHED MY PARTY!!

  AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

  The GOOD news (if you want to call it that) was that my situation was so MASSIVELY HORRIBLE that it COULDN’T possibly get any WORSE!

  Or so I thought.

  Theo’s dad, Mr. Swagmire, scratched his head and looked even more confused than my dad. “Hmm? Now, that’s strange! All of the houses on this street are 720 or above. But you’re welcome to use our phone to try to reach your daughter. Come in and make yourself at home.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate your help. One quick phone call should clear all of this up . . . ,” said my dad.

  That’s when I decided it would probably be a good idea to grab the phone BEFORE my dad did.

  But not to keep him from using it. I needed to call 911 to report a brutal crime that was about to occur.

  Because when my dad finally figured out that he was wandering around LOST, on a cold, dark night, all because I’d given him a bunch of PHONY information, he was going to KILL ME!!

  The night had turned into a complete DISASTER!

  My FRIENDS were down the hall.

  My CRUSH, Brandon, was standing next to me.

  My DAD was at the front door.

  MAX THE ROACH was parked at the curb.

  And I, NIKKI MAXWELL, was about to PEE my pants!

  MAP OF THEO’S HOUSE

  When Dad walked over to the phone to call me, I was so close I could have reached around the corner and touched him.

  But I just stood there frantically holding my breath.

  I was DOOMED! And any second now I was going to be SO BUSTED!

  Or maybe . . . NOT.

  I was SUPERrelieved when Theo came over and dragged Brandon away to show him his new video game system.

  Just as Dad began dialing the phony number, I spotted a telephone across the hall in the kitchen that was, luckily, out of his view.

  I knew it was a crazy idea. But what did I have to lose?! I was already in way over my head.

  So I quickly tippy-toed into the kitchen and snatched up the phone just before my dad finished dialing.

  “Hi, Nikki! Boy, am I glad to hear your voice. I’m totally LOST! But . . . HOW did you know it was me?”

  “Actually, I didn’t! Er, I just, um . . . saw the caller ID?”

  “That’s strange! I’m not calling from home!”

  “The caller ID said, um . . . Dad. And you know, it’s totally a coincidence that YOUR name is Dad too. Because there are, like, millions of guys out there named Dad. Actually.”

  “Um, okay. Well, I can’t find a house with the address you gave me. And right now I’m calling from a neighbor’s house. I need you to find out the correct address.”

  “Well, Dad, you sound SO close by. Almost like you’re in the next room or something. Hey, I bet if I looked out of this window right here by the phone, I just might be able to see—OMG! There it is! Dad! I see your VAN! It’s parked about five houses down. Can you believe that? Wow!”

  “Really! I guess I was waiting in the right place after all. That means I WASN’T lost!”

  “Dad, why did you think you were lost? You just need to drive down the street five more houses. And if you give me a few minutes to say good-bye to everyone and grab my coat, I’ll be right out.”

  “Okay, sweetie. I’ll see you in a few minutes, then.”

  “Bye, Dad! Love you!”

  I could NOT believe that our little conversation went so well.

  Now, if Dad would just simply

  1. hang up the phone

  2. walk out of the house

  3. get into his van, and

  4. drive down the street farther

  I WOULDN’T have to run away from home and join the circus.

  I peeked from the kitchen as Dad thanked Mr. Swagmire, shook his hand, and finally left.

  Mission accomplished !!

  But then I turned around, and . . .

  “Oh! Hi, Brandon!” I sputtered. “I didn’t see you standing there. I was . . . on the dad with my phone. Er . . . I mean, on the phone with my dad.”

  I wondered how long Brandon had been standing there watching and listening.

  “Is everything all right?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Thankfully, my dad just left. HOME! He was here to pick—I mean—he’s COMING to pick me up . . . ,” I stammered.

  Brandon just kind of stared at me suspiciously and slowly nodded his head. “Really? Um, okay.”

  I could feel my cheeks getting warm and I started to squirm. “Well, I better get going. I don’t want to keep my dad waiting.”

  “But I thought you said he just left home?”

  “Er, he did. But he’ll be here real soon. He’s a superspeedy driver. You know, like those guys in the Indy 500. Zooooom! That’s my dad. Anyway, thanks for inviting me. Bye!”

  “Do you have to go so soon? I just . . . ” Brandon looked a little disappointed as his voice trailed off. “Okay, then. Thanks for coming, Nikki.”

  I turned and walked away as quickly as I could.

  But I could almost feel Brandon staring at the back of my neck.

  I hugged my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey, said good-bye to everyone, and thanked Theo for hosting such a great party for Brandon at his house.

  That’s when Marcy thanked me for inviting her.

  “Thank YOU! For shutting down MacKenzie!” I laughed.

  “No problem! If there’s ever anything else I can do to help out, just let me know. I have no social life WHATSOEVER.”

  That’s when a little lightbulb went off in my head.

  “Actually, Marcy, there is! My Miss Know-It-All advice column has been keeping me pretty busy. Chloe, Zoey, and I have been staying after school to work on them. I’d love for you to help out!”

  “OMG! YOU’RE Miss Know-It-All!” Marcy gasped. “And you were right! I DID find some friends at this school.”

  So now Marcy will be hanging out with us during lunch and after school. She’s a good kid!

  As I stepped into the cold, crisp night, I felt happy and a little sad at the same time.

  It was a blast hanging out with Brandon, and I liked him more than ever. But just when it seemed like sparks were about to fly between us, they abruptly fizzled.

  It was quite obvious Brandon suspected something.

  And me sneaking off to meet Dad didn’t help things. But I’d just DIE if anyone saw my roach van. Especially Brandon !

  I casually strolled down the sidewalk.

  But once I got past Theo’s yard, I took off running toward the van like a madwoman.

  When I climbed inside, Dad was still staring at my note and scratching his head.

  “Hi, Nikki. It’s really weird, but the house numbers around here don’t seem to be in order,” he mumbled.

  “Don’t worry about it, Dad,” I said, feeling a little guilty I’d just led him on a wild goose chase.

  Then he hesitated and looked SUPERanxious.

  “So, let’s just keep everything that happened tonight our little secret, okay?”

  My mouth dropped open as I stared at him in disbelief.

  SECRET?! Dad knew?!

  But HOW?!

  OMG! Had he seen me at Theo’s house?!

  “Well, if you tell your mom about me not finding the house, I’ll never hear the end of it. She’s always teasing that I get lost going to the mailbox,” he explained.

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Don’t worry, Dad! Your secret is totally safe with me!” I gushed, and gave him a quick hug.

  Then I slouched way down into my seat.

  Even though it was pitch-dark outside, I didn’t want to take a chance on anyone seeing me riding around with Max the Roach.

  The fact that I had managed to survive Brandon’s birthday party was a MIRACLE! But now I was worried that Brandon suspected something.

 
; But I didn’t blame him. I’m such a massive phony, I wouldn’t want to be friends with myself.

  I guess I was just sick and tired of all the secrets and lies. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep hiding who I really was . . . .

  The ONLY person in the ENTIRE history of mankind attending school on a stupid BUG EXTERMINATION SCHOLARSHIP!

  WHY was my life so hopelessly CRUDDY?!

  That’s when I got a text message from Brandon: “I LOVE that kooky Crazy Burger hat and the gift certificates! Would you like to help me use them tomorrow for lunch? Please say YES!”

  Brandon had just asked me out !! To eat . . . but still! SQUEEEE!!

  It wasn’t a candlelight dinner at a romantic Italian restaurant, but Crazy Burger had the best gourmet burgers for miles around.

  I texted him my answer right away: “YES! Should I meet you there?”

  “Sure! But to be honest, I’ve been wanting to ride in your dad’s funky, cool roach van for months!”

  I had to read Brandon’s text over, like, three times.

  Then I totally lost it and burst out laughing.

  My dad looked at me like I was INSANE!

  All of these months I’ve been going insane trying to keep who I really am a big secret. And Brandon knew the real ME all along!

  Only, I don’t think he knows that I know about HIM!

  Or DOES he??!!

  All of the excitement and drama and unanswered questions about what we SECRETLY know and don’t know about each other is enough to make my head spin.

  Just thinking about it makes me feel a little nauseous. But in a really GOOD way!

  And yes! I know I sound KA-RAY-ZEE!

  But I can’t help it.

  I’M SUCH A DORK!!!

  !!

  Rachel Renée Russell is an attorney who prefers writing tween books to legal briefs. (Mainly because books are a lot more fun and pajamas and bunny slippers aren’t allowed in court.)

  She has raised two daughters and lived to tell about it. Her hobbies include growing purple flowers and doing totally useless crafts (like, for example, making a microwave oven out of Popsicle sticks, glue, and glitter). Rachel lives in northern Virginia with a spoiled pet Yorkie who terrorizes her daily by climbing on top of a computer cabinet and pelting her with stuffed animals while she writes. And, yes, Rachel considers herself a total Dork.