Tales From a Not-So-Graceful Ice Princess Read online

  Brianna woke us up by banging on our bedroom doors and screaming hysterically.

  Just like she does every year.

  And it’s always the EXACT same story. . . .

  “Wake up, everybody! Wake up! Me and Miss Penelope just saw Santa and his reindeer leaving. They flew right off our roof and over Mrs. Wallabanger’s house. Wake up! It’s an emergency!”

  Then we all rush downstairs in our pajamas to see what Santa has left and open our presents together.

  As usual, Brianna got a ton of stuff. . . .

  Mom and Dad LOVED the scrapbook that Brianna and I made (which included that hilarious photo of our Christmas tree falling over). . . .

  MOM & DAD, LOVING THEIR SCRAPBOOK

  But the very BEST present was . . .

  MY BRAND-NEW CELL PHONE!!

  Soon it was time to go to my aunt Mabel’s for our holiday dinner. Dad says his oldest sister is just old-fashioned and kind of strict. But I think “strict” is just a nicer word for “MEAN.”

  Mom says Aunt Mabel acts like that because she thinks kids should be seen and not heard.

  Personally, I think Aunt Mabel just HATES kids because she has nine of them.

  OMG!! If I gave birth NINE whole times, I wouldn’t want to SEE them or HEAR them! I’m just sayin’.

  But get this! I’m fourteen years old. And that EVIL woman STILL made me sit at the KIDDIE TABLE!

  The adults sat in the dining room at a hand-carved antique table with Queen Anne chairs, fancy porcelain china, crystal glasses, and gold-plated silverware.

  The kiddie table was a wobbly, child-size card table covered with a worn-out bedsheet.

  We got paper plates, plastic forks, and those teeny-tiny paper cups (you know, the ones you use in your bathroom when you brush your teeth).

  And sitting at the kiddie table while wearing my snowman sweater meant I was twice as humiliated.

  ME, SITTING AT THE KIDDIE TABLE

  The whole thing was a very traumatic experience.

  Thank goodness the food was delicious, or it would have been a totally worthless visit.

  My aunt Mabel is as mean as a pit bull, but she’s an excellent cook.

  Anyway, I was really happy when we finally made it back home, because I got to play around with my new cell phone.

  I CANNOT believe all the cool stuff it has, like Internet, texting, e-mail, instant messaging, games, camera, homework help, automatic pizza delivery, and a teen peer counseling hotline.

  OMG! If cell phones paid an ALLOWANCE, parents would be OBSOLETE!

  Brianna went NUTS because my phone came with the game Princess Sugar Plum Saves Baby Unicorn Island. I let her play it for an hour right before bedtime, and now she’s, like, totally addicted.

  My new phone is going to save me a ton of money.

  Now whenever I need to bribe Brianna to do something, I simply pay her with Princess Sugar Plum game minutes instead of cash.

  It took me a while to figure it out, but I took a picture of me with my phone and sent it to Chloe, Zoey, and Brandon.

  They are going to be supershocked and surprised when they receive it.

  Overall, my Christmas was pretty good.

  It started snowing outside and actually looked like a winter wonderland.

  Then Dad lit the fireplace and we all roasted marshmallows together. Again! Only this time Dad’s pants didn’t catch on fire.

  I have to admit . . . Once you get used to them, having a family to hang out with can be kind of nice.

  I wonder how Brandon’s Christmas is going?

  It’s really admirable that he helps out his grandparents by volunteering at Fuzzy Friends. I throw a hissy fit when I have to clean my room and put dishes in the dishwasher.

  I’m SUCH a spoiled BRAT! And I don’t really appreciate the blessings I have, like my family.

  It’s just mind-boggling how he’s lost pretty much everything, yet he continues to have so much to GIVE!

  Now, THAT’S truly a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

  !!

  THURSDAY, DECEMBER 26

  Today was our first practice session with Victoria Steel, the Holiday on Ice show director and Olympic gold medalist figure skater.

  Everyone participating in the show received a welcome letter and a list of rules:

  All we have to do now is survive three days of practice with Victoria.

  My biggest fear is that she’s going to kick me out of the show like she did to that poor girl last year. Chloe insisted it was probably just a rumor, but I wasn’t taking any chances. After scrounging around in our garage, I found the perfect costume for our first practice.

  I was a nervous wreck when Mom dropped me off for practice at the ice arena.

  All I could think of was Brandon having to start a new school in January without any friends.

  Since I didn’t want anyone to see my costume, I avoided the crowded locker room and got dressed in a small bathroom on the far side of the arena instead.

  I stared at my reflection in the mirror and smiled. I knew I looked ridiculous.

  But if my plan worked, at least I’d make it through the first practice.

  By the time I made my way back to the rink, most of the skaters were already on the ice practicing, including Chloe and Zoey.

  I was amazed at how graceful they were, and I couldn’t help but feel proud of them.

  Near the main entrance, a large crowd surrounded Victoria. She was pretty and looked surprisingly similar to the girl on the cover of The Ice Princess.

  Fans took pictures of her with their cell phones and waited in line for an autograph.

  And like a pop star, she traveled with her own entourage and security detail.

  As Victoria rushed past me she took off her sunglasses and let out an irritated sigh.

  “Let’s get this over with! I just hope this group is better than last year’s! Can someone get me a water? I’m about to die of thirst!”

  Her staffers scrambled in different directions, and within thirty seconds two assistants and two security guys offered her bottled waters.

  “OMG! You expect me to drink water from a PLASTIC bottle?” she shrieked.

  One thing was quite obvious. The woman was a spoiled diva!

  The assistant director asked all the skaters to take a seat in the first two rows.

  He then introduced Victoria as the skaters cheered excitedly.

  In spite of her meltdown over the bottled water situation, she immediately plastered a fake smile on her face.

  “So! Who’d like to impress me first?” she asked, eyeing the list of names on her clipboard. “Let’s start with a group. How about . . .”

  My heart skipped a beat.

  Please don’t call us! Please don’t call us! Please don’t call us! I chanted inside my head.

  “. . . Chloe, Zoey, and Nikki. Front and center!”

  Chloe and Zoey quickly scrambled onto the ice.

  “Why do I only see two of you, instead of three?” Victoria asked with a highly annoyed glare.

  “Um . . . Nikki should be here. Somewhere!” Zoey answered, and glanced nervously at Chloe.

  “Here I am,” I said as I carefully made my way onto the ice.

  Chloe and Zoey took one look at me, gasped, and shrieked . . .

  That’s when I realized my fake cast made from toilet paper and white duct tape actually looked pretty real. Especially with Dad’s old crutches from that time he went bungee jumping.

  “Don’t worry. It’s not as bad as it looks,” I answered.

  “OMG! Is it broken?” Chloe asked.

  “You poor thing!” Zoey exclaimed.

  “I’m FINE! REALLY!” I said, and kind of winked. Chloe and Zoey looked at me and then at each other. I think they got the hint.

  “So, you’re Nikki?” Victoria asked, staring me down. “I’m really sorry about your accident, but I have a show to run here. You three are just going to have to participate next year. Sorry, girls!”

  “
NO! PLEASE! Actually, it’s just a little sprain. My doctor assured me I’d be fine by—by, um . . . tomorrow,” I stammered.

  That’s when Victoria suddenly narrowed her eyes at my cast and stared at me suspiciously. “So, your doctor uses DUCT TAPE?!” Then she put her hands on her hips and yelled . . .

  I could NOT believe that crazy lady actually called security on me like that. She’s NUTZ!!

  “Chloe and Zoey, get into position—now! I want to see this routine!” she shouted. “But I’m warning you! If the THREE of you are NOT ready to skate tomorrow, you’ll be disqualified! Understood?”

  We nodded.

  As I hurried off the ice, I gave Chloe and Zoey a thumbs-up, and they smiled at me nervously. As long as I wasn’t out there messing things up, they were going to do fine.

  And I was right. They both skated flawlessly, and Victoria was both surprised and impressed.

  I decided not to hang around for the rest of the practice session. I’d had quite enough of Victoria Steel for one day, and I was sure the feeling was mutual.

  I hobbled back to the bathroom, anxious to ditch the uncomfortable crutches and itchy cast. I was about to call my mom to pick me up, when an uninvited guest barged into the bathroom.

  It was MACKENZIE!! And boy, was she ticked!

  I was going to bat my eyes all innocentlike and completely DENY the whole fake-cast thing.

  But then I realized my crutches were leaning against the wall and I was standing there perfectly fine on my “injured” ankle.

  OOPS!!

  Phony or not, MY personal health issues were none of MacKenzie’s business.

  “You’re calling ME a phony?” I huffed. “You’re wearing SO many hair extensions and SO much lip gloss, the fire marshal has declared you a fire hazard due to a high risk of spontaneous combustion!”

  OMG! MacKenzie was so angry I thought her head was going to explode.

  She stared at me with her beady little eyes and hissed, “I’ve already warned Victoria about you. Make one more wrong step and she’ll throw you out of this show faster than a ten-day-old moldy pizza.”

  Then she turned and sashayed away.

  I hate it when MacKenzie sashays!

  I could NOT believe she was trying to boss me around like that. I mean, just WHO does she think she is?! The ICE-SKATING POLICE?!

  Anyway, the good news is that I actually survived the first Holiday on Ice practice session with Victoria the Dragon Lady.

  ONE down and TWO more to go.

  !!

  FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27

  After Victoria threatened us yesterday, I didn’t dare show up with that fake cast again.

  I had tossed and turned most of the night, trying to come up with another plan.

  But the sad truth was that it was pretty much over for me.

  As soon as Victoria took one look at me skating scooting around on the ice, she was going to kick Chloe, Zoey, and me right out of her show.

  And it didn’t help that MacKenzie was probably telling her awful stuff about me. Like that I stole Fuzzy Friends and my broken leg was fake.

  Well, okay! So maybe the broken leg thing WAS fake. But still! It was none of that girl’s business.

  When Victoria started screaming at the music guy, the lights guy, and the wardrobe guy (OMG! That crazy lady did A LOT of SCREAMING), I decided to sneak away and hide out up in the stands for a few minutes.

  Then I could have my massive panic attack in private.

  I was deep in thought, pondering my hopeless situation, when a very familiar voice startled me.

  “So, what does it feel like to be an Ice Princess?”

  “BRANDON! What are you doing here?” I gasped.

  “I came to thank you for making me that awesome scrapbook! And to cheer on Team Fuzzy Friends!”

  This guy was too nice to be real! The possibility that he might move away was just . . . too depressing!

  Suddenly I was overcome with emotion. I had to bite my lip to keep from bursting into tears.

  Brandon’s warm smile slowly vanished, and he just stared at me in silence.

  “Nikki! Are you okay? What’s wrong . . . ?”

  “I’m sorry, Brandon! But I don’t know if I’m going to be able to earn that money to help Fuzzy Friends. I’m just . . . SO sorry! I really am!”

  “What do you mean? No one expects you to be a pro. Just being in the show is enough.”

  “NO! It’s NOT. I have to be able to SKATE in the show. And I CAN’T! But I didn’t know that at the time I volunteered to help. Honest!”

  “Come on, Nikki! You CAN’T be that bad!”

  “Brandon, listen to me. I’m THAT bad! No! Actually, I’m WORSE! I seriously expect to get kicked out of the show after we skate today.”

  Brandon blinked his eyes in disbelief.

  “Victoria requires that skaters be prepared to skate, and I’m NOT! I can barely stand on the ice, let alone skate on it!”

  We just sat there in silence as the sheer hopelessness of my situation sank in.

  If I DIDN’T skate, Fuzzy Friends would close and Brandon would be moving!

  And if I DID skate, Fuzzy Friends would close and Brandon would be moving!

  It was a LOSE-LOSE situation.

  “I’m sorry, Nikki. I wish there was something I could do . . . ,” Brandon muttered as he stared down at Victoria, who was now screaming at the Zamboni guy.

  My heart started to pound when she announced over the speaker system that Chloe, Zoey, and I were up next.

  Brandon gave me a weak smile.

  “Break a leg! Actually, try NOT to break a leg! Sorry.”

  “Thanks!” I said, smiling at his little joke.

  Brandon didn’t know it, but I’d ALREADY tried using that “broken leg” thing on Victoria.

  Been there, done that!

  When I got down to the rink, I could tell Chloe and Zoey were supernervous too, but they were trying their best not to show it.

  “Okay, Team Fuzzy! Group hug!” Chloe said, and did her jazz hands to try to lighten the mood.

  Somehow I made it onto the ice and got into position without falling.

  And just as our music began, I saw Brandon approach Victoria with his camera and tap her on her shoulder.

  When she turned around, he introduced himself and pointed to his camera.

  Apparently, Victoria was immediately charmed by his professionalism, good manners, and smile.

  Which was a really good thing, because our skating routine was NOT going so well. . . .

  BRANDON, PHOTOGRAPHING VICTORIA WHILE I FALL ON MY FACE

  Coincidentally (or not), Brandon’s impromptu photo shoot lasted until the final note of our music. And when Victoria FINALLY turned around . . .

  We plastered big smiles on our faces and struck a superFIERCE pose. Like we were the top three finalists on America’s Next Top Model or something.

  No one ever would have guessed I had just fallen four times during our three-minute routine.

  OMG! I’d spent so much time sliding around on my BUTT, it had frostbite.

  Victoria just stared at us with this strange look on her face as we held our breath.

  “Great job, girls!!” she finally said, and turned to her assistant. “WHERE is my cappuccino? Am I supposed to run this show AND do YOUR job?!”

  Brandon gave me a huge smile and winked.

  I wanted to MELT into a puddle right there on the ice.

  Of course, when I walked past MacKenzie, she glared at me and held her nose.

  But I already knew I completely STANK as a skater.

  She didn’t have to remind me.

  Anyway, I CANNOT believe we’re STILL in the show.

  Brandon is such a SWEETHEART!! I could not believe he helped us out like that.

  TWO practice sessions DOWN.

  And ONE to go!

  WOO-HOO!!

  !!

  SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28

  BRIANNA AND I GO SLEDDING

&nbs
p; (A TERRIFYING EXPERIENCE)

  TO BE CONTINUED . . . !!

  !!

  SUNDAY, DECEMBER 29

  BRIANNA AND I GO SLEDDING

  (A TERRIFYING EXPERIENCE)

  CONTINUED . . .

  When we last saw our heroes, Brianna and Nikki, they were speeding down a towering cliff, about to plummet to their deaths. But just when it seemed like they were DOOMED . . .

  MONDAY, DECEMBER 30

  My parents’ priorities are totally screwed up.

  Mom had to rush off to visit a friend who’d just had a baby.

  And Dad had an emergency call from some rich lady whose fancy dinner party had been crashed by some unexpected guests. About two thousand ants!

  Guess WHO got stuck babysitting Brianna?

  ME! That’s who!

  Even though that meant I had to bring her with me to an EXTREMELY important practice session at the ice-skating arena that involved $3,000 and possibly LIFE and DEATH!

  A new BABY is born somewhere in the world every seven seconds and ANTS will still be around even after a nuclear war.

  HOW in the world was what THEY were doing MORE important than what I was doing?!

  “Nikki, just call me on my cell when you’re done with practice,” Mom said as she pulled up in front of the arena. “And, Brianna, you be a good girl and mind your sister, okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy!” Brianna beamed like a little angel.

  Then she turned and stuck her tongue out at me.

  “Nikki, can I play Princess Sugar Plum on your phone?” Brianna asked as we entered the building.

  It was the fifth time she had asked me that today.

  “No, Brianna, you’re here to watch the ice skaters.”

  Chloe and Zoey were already on the ice practicing. But when they saw Brianna, they rushed over and gave her a big hug.

  Brianna was fascinated by the skaters and sat quietly and watched. I could hardly believe she was behaving so well.

  About twenty-five minutes later Victoria called our names.

  “We’re up!” Zoey said with a nervous smile. “Are you ready, Nikki?”