Tales From a Not-So-Fabulous Life Read online

2. This ugly rash goes away before school tomorrow

  ICK! !!

  FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

  I was up and getting ready for school when I noticed I STILL had that rash from my faux cell phone! I almost choked on my minty-fresh, tartar control, extra-brightening, mouthwash-strength, cavity-fighting gel toothpaste.

  Now that my crush, Brandon, had finally noticed I was alive, there was NO WAY I was going to school with a rash that made my ear look like it belonged to a severely sunburned Keebler Elf. You know, the ones who bake cookies inside a tree trunk infested with ants, termites, centipedes, and beetles. I always wondered what those brown crunchy things were in their cookies. Ewwww!

  Anyway, I knew my mom was NOT going to let me stay home from school unless I was spiking a temperature of at least 289 degrees. Which, BTW, is the same temp she uses to bake her Thanksgiving turkey.

  My mom’s life motto is “Hey! Why let a little case of gangrene or leprosy get in the way of achieving a good education?!”

  After trying every trick in the book, I finally figured out how to convince my mom I was too ill to go to school. I had to PRETEND to throw up all over myself.

  Now, how SICK is THAT?!

  I came up with this idea last spring after Brianna had the stomach flu. Mom took time off from work and let my little sister stay home from school for an entire week.

  On top of that, she totally pampered Brianna by buying her all of her favorite Disney movies on DVD and a new computer game to keep her occupied while she was in bed.

  I think all that vomiting must have really gotten to Mom. About three weeks later, I stayed home from school with a bad case of strep throat and was hoping to at least get a couple of new CDs out of it. But all Mom bought me was a cruddy box of Popsicles! And, to make matters worse, they were the really gross low-calorie kind with no sugar. They tasted like frozen pickle juice on a stick. I was like delish!

  Thanks a million, Mom!

  Me ready for Brianna’s projectile vomiting due to her stomach flu. Yuck!

  But I have to admit, Brianna WAS a lot sicker than I was. She couldn’t keep anything down, not even water!

  I refused to go anywhere near her unless I was suited up in full “puke protection” gear: Since I was pretty sure Mom was not going to consider my rash serious enough to let me stay home from school, I decided to run downstairs and make a quick batch of phony vomit, aka, “faux puke.” Which I needed because of the rash caused by my faux cell phone. It was just another one of life’s surprising little ironies.

  Lucky for me, I was the first one out of bed, which meant I had the kitchen completely to myself for about fifteen minutes. Since things were going to get a little messy, I changed into my old heart pj’s and rushed downstairs.

  My secret recipe was easy to make, and it looked and smelled like the real thing:

  STAY-HOME-FROM-SCHOOL FAUX VOMIT

  1 cup of cooked oatmeal

  1/2 cup of sour cream (or buttermilk ranch dressing or anything that smells like rancid, sour milk)

  2 chopped cheese sticks (for chunkiness)

  1 uncooked egg (for authentic slimy texture)

  1 can of split pea soup (for putrid green color)

  1/4 cup of raisins (to increase gross-osity) Mix ingredients and simmer over low heat for 2 minutes.

  Let mixture cool to warm vomit temperature. Use liberally as needed.

  Makes 4 to 5 cups.

  WARNING: This stuff is SO gross that it might really make you sick to your stomach and cause you to really throw up. In which case, you will really need to stay home from school !

  I poured about 2 cups into a bowl, ran back upstairs to my room, and dumped it down the front of my heart pj’s. Then I yelled down the hall in a really whiney voice:

  “MOM! Please come quick! I don’t feel so good. My stomach is really queasy and I think I’m going to…

  blecchuuarggh!”

  Of course, it worked like a charm !! Mom was totally convinced and said that not only did I have an upset stomach but also there was a mild rash on my ear.

  She said that since I was not running a temperature, I’d probably feel better after a day of bed rest. I told her that suddenly I was feeling a lot better already (wink wink). Then she cleaned up my “mess,” helped with my bubble bath, and tucked me back into bed with a kiss.

  I actually slept until the Tyra Banks show came on at noon. I just LOVE that girl!

  However, when I went into the kitchen to grab a bite for lunch, I suddenly realized I had totally FORGOTTEN to pour the leftovers of my faux vomit down the garbage disposal.

  So when I saw that my mom had left a note for me on the counter right next to the now empty pot of puke, I just KNEW she was onto me and I was in really BIG trouble. I totally panicked and my stomach started feeling queasy, but this time FOR REAL! Her note said:

  Dear Nikki:

  Thank you for making breakfast for us even though you were not feeling well this morning. Your oatmeal was delicious and we all had seconds. You MUST cook this for us again soon. We are so very lucky to have such a KIND and CONSIDERATE daughter!

  Thanks again.

  Love,

  MOM

  P.S. Hope you’re feeling better!

  I spent the entire afternoon just lounging around, watching television, and raiding the fridge. I even ordered a pizza!

  Plus, I had THREE things to be VERY happy about:

  1. The Tyra Banks show ROCKED!

  2. My rash completely cleared up.

  3. My parents think I’m a fourteen-year-old Rachael Ray.

  MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

  I think Chloe and Zoey have totally lost their minds!

  First of all, they practically freaked out when Mrs. Peach announced she was taking six of her most hardworking and committed LSAs on a five-day field trip to the New York City Public Library to participate in National Library Week.

  From what I understand, it’s like a big Mardi Gras celebration for people obsessed with libraries. Mrs. Peach is already making plans, even though it’s in April, which is still a whole seven months away.

  But when Mrs. Peach said there was going to be a “Meet-n-Greet” with a lot of really famous authors like Kate Brian, Scott Westerfeld, D. J. MacHale, and some guy I’ve never heard of (Zoey said he was Dr. Phil’s son and her FAVE self-help guru for teens), Chloe and Zoey actually started jumping up and down and screaming their heads off.

  I was like, “Girlfriends, take a CHILL PILL, PUH-LEEZE!”

  MRS. PEACH’S ANNOUNCEMENT…

  I mean, I was excited, but not THAT excited. Now, if Mrs. Peach had announced she was taking us to NYC to have a “Meet-n-Greet” with like the Jonas Brothers, Kanye West, AND Justin Timberlake, I’d have hyperventilated, fainted, and rolled around on the floor having seizures.

  WHAT I WISH MRS. PEACH HAD ANNOUNCED…!

  Chloe and Zoey are really nice and sweet friends. But I have to admit that sometimes they are…like…SO WEIRD!!

  The whole time we were shelving books, they were talking nonstop about how we needed to do something really special to convince Mrs. Peach to select the three of us for the trip to NYC.

  “Well, why don’t we just try to be the MOST hardworking and committed LSAs?” I suggested. “And we could start by maybe dusting off the books.”

  It was a no-brainer to me.

  But Chloe and Zoey both looked at me like I was crazy.

  “ALL of the other LSAs are going to be doing boring stuff like THAT to impress her!” Chloe groaned.

  “Yeah! We need to come up with a secret plan that will blow Mrs. Peach’s mind!” Zoey said excitedly.

  Okay, so dusting the library books was NOT exactly a mind-blowing idea. But it definitely would have solved my little sneezing problem.

  We were putting out a batch of brand-new magazines when Chloe swiped a That’s So Hot! and buried her nose in it. Suddenly, she gasped and then shrieked:

  “OMG! This is exactly what we should do!”


  “What? Get makeovers and become teen supermodels?” I asked sarcastically.

  “NO! Of course not!” Chloe said, rolling her eyes at me.

  “I know! I know! Make. Your. Face. Zit. Proof!”

  Zoey said, reading one of the captions printed on the magazine cover.

  “No way!” Chloe said. “Not that!” She was so excited, her eyes were practically bulging out of their sockets. Then she shoved the magazine in our faces and pointed.

  “…THIS!!”

  Me and Zoey were like, “TATTOOS?! Are you NUTS?!”

  “A tattoo promoting reading would be PERFECT! And it would show that we’re serious and committed. Then Mrs. Peach will choose us for the field trip for sure!” Chloe squealed.

  “That’s a WICKED idea!” Zoey said, staring in awe at the beautiful, tattooed model in the magazine.

  “I bet we’re going to look as cool as her once we get ours! SWEET!”

  Okay. I could deal with going on a boring field trip for National Library Week. But there was just no way I was getting a tattoo to CELEBRATE going on a boring field trip for National Library Week. I mean, WHAT kind of tattoo would I even get?

  I had to think fast. “Um…I agree this is the coolest idea, you guys. But I just found out a few days ago that I’m…superallergic to…spray painted hearing aids.”

  Chloe and Zoey looked really confused.

  “Why would anyone spray paint a hearing aid? That’s like SO bizarre!” Chloe said, shaking her head like I was really pathetic. Zoey agreed.

  That’s when I lost it and yelled at them both, “You know what I think is BIZARRE? Bizarre is getting a TATTOO for National Library Week!!” But I just said that inside my head, so no one else heard it but me.

  “Well, spray paint and tattoo ink are both kind of…um, colorful, so I’m pretty sure I’m allergic,” I said. “Which is really unfair because I was totally looking forward to getting a tattoo one day before I die.”

  “Well, if it’s a medical problem, we understand. Right, Zoey? Hey! Why don’t you help us pick out our tattoos?” Chloe was trying to make me feel better.

  “Yeah, we should ask our parents to take us to get them this weekend!” Zoey said excitedly. “I can hardly wait to see the look on Mrs. Peach’s face when she sees our tattoos!”

  But I already knew what her face was going to look like when she saw Chloe and Zoey…

  POOR MRS. PEACH!!

  TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

  I was hoping Chloe and Zoey were over their wacky idea of getting tattoos for National Library Week. Thank goodness their parents said, “No way!” But when I saw them in gym class, they were still pretty upset.

  Our gym teacher divided us up into groups of three for our ballet skills test, and at first, I was happy that me, Chloe, and Zoey were together. Each group was supposed to pick classical music from the teacher’s CD collection and then make up a short dance routine using the five ballet positions we had learned over the past weeks. Since I knew all of them, I was sure I was going to get an A or, at lowest, maybe a B+ on the test.

  ME DEMONSTRATING MY AWESOME BALLET TECHNIQUE

  But, unfortunately, Chole and Zoey were too depressed to participate.

  I was like, “Come on, guys, cheer up! We have to make up our ballet routine and practice it before we run out of time.” But both of them just stared at me with big sad puppy-dog eyes.

  “I can’t believe our parents won’t let us get tattoos! How unfair is that?” Chloe whined.

  “And now Mrs. Peach will NEVER pick us for the trip to NYC! It’s like our hopes and dreams have shriveled up and DIED!” Zoey sniffed, wiping a tear.

  They spent the next forty-five minutes venting, and I, being the sensitive and caring friend that I am, sat quietly and listened.

  Then the gym teacher came over and told us she was ready to start grading and we were going to be the second group to go. I just about had a heart attack because we hadn’t selected any music or made up a routine.

  I ran over really quick to grab a CD, and the only one left was Swan Lake. And since I had seen MacKenzie looking at it a few minutes earlier, I was definitely a little suspicious. So the first thing I did was pop open the CD case and peek inside. I was surprised and relieved to see that a CD was still in there. Hey, I didn’t trust that girl as far as I could throw her.

  MacKenzie’s group was first, and I have to admit, they were pretty good. But it wasn’t due to their awesome talent. Combined, the three of them had like eighty-nine years of private lessons. They danced to “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” and ended their routine like this:

  What a bunch of SHOW-OFFS! I mean, what real classically trained ballerina would end her dance by doing splits and cheesing (which, BTW, means smiling) like she just got her braces off or something. I was like, “Hey, girlfriends! This AIN’T Dancing with the Stars!” But I just said it inside my head, so one no else heard it but me.

  We were up next, and I started getting butterflies in my stomach. Not because I was nervous. I just really hated humiliating myself in public. Chloe must have seen the look on my face because she whispered, “Don’t panic! Just follow my lead. I took ballet lessons for three weeks back in second grade!” I said, “Thanks for sharing that, Chloe. Now I feel SO much better!”

  Then Zoey whispered, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo Emerson.” Which, of course, had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with ANYTHING!

  I had a really bad feeling about our routine, and we hadn’t even started it yet. Mainly because I discovered our Swan Lake CD was actually NOT a Swan Lake CD. It said Swan Lake on the case, but the CD inside said something else. When I read the title, I was like:

  It was Thriller by Michael Jackson!

  Then my teacher snatched the CD out of my hand and popped it into her CD player and told us to take our places in front of the class.

  I was about to explain that we had a slight complication with our music, but I got distracted when MacKenzie’s group started squealing and hugging each other. They had gotten an A+ on their routine. But it was not like I was jealous or anything. I mean, how totally juvenile would that be?

  Anyway, when our music came on, Chloe must have completely forgotten we were supposed to be doing a ballet routine because she started doing some funky dance moves like she was one of those half-rotted zombies from the Thriller music video.

  The next thing I knew, Zoey was acting like a zombie too, so I didn’t have a choice but to follow along. Plus, I figured our teacher would probably knock a few points off our grade if Chloe and Zoey were staggering around like the undead and I was doing ballet pliés in first and third position.

  Okay. I really, really like Chloe and Zoey. But while I was up there dancing with them, I couldn’t help thinking, “What am I? Flypaper for FREAKS?!”

  I had to keep reminding myself that this whole thing was MacKenzie’s fault, not THEIRS.

  ME, CHLOE, AND ZOEY IN BALLET OF THE ZOMBIES!

  Actually, I was surprised that Chloe and Zoey were such good dancers. It looked like our gym teacher was pretty impressed too, because when we finished, she just stared at us with her mouth open and started tapping her ink pen on her clipboard really fast. Then she asked us to see her after class. We were really nervous when we went up to talk to her, because we didn’t know what to expect. Chloe and Zoey thought maybe she was going to ask us to join the school’s dance squad, since she was the assistant coach. I was keeping my fingers crossed on that one, because dance squad meant automatic membership in the CCP clique.

  Our teacher smiled and said, “Girls, if we were doing the section on contemporary dance, you would have definitely gotten an A+!”

  After hearing that, I was pretty sure she was going to give us a good grade on our routine even though we had made it up on the spot and with the wrong music.

  Then our teacher stopped smiling.

  “The three of you were supposed to be doing
classical ballet, but you weren’t even close. The highest grade I can give you is a D. I’m really sorry.”

  We were like, OH. NO. SHE. DIDN’T!! Me, Chloe, and Zoey were CRUSHED! (LITERALLY.)

  Then I screamed at my teacher, “Are you NUTS?! How in the world can you give us a D? Do you even realize how tricky those dance steps were? It was definitely A LOT harder than it looked! Let me see YOU try to moonwalk like a zombie, sister!”

  But I just said all of that in my head, so no one heard it but me.

  And get this! Then our teacher had the nerve to tell us to “hit the showers”! Like, what did showering have to do with classical ballet?! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

  I was a little peeved at Chloe and Zoey, because if they had NOT been wasting time whining about tattoos and National Library Week, we could have made up a decent ballet routine to the correct music and maybe earned at least a C. But NOOOOOO!