Dork Diaries 13 Read online

  BRIANNA’S BRAND-NEW LIL’ CHEF OVEN

  Of course, now that Brianna . . . er, I mean Miss Bri-Bri, thinks she’s a pint-size chef and foodie, it’s probably going to create a whole new set of problems.

  I’m all for new age parenting and encouraging kids to follow their dreams.

  But let’s keep it real!!

  I never for one minute thought she’d actually be able to cook anything using two AA batteries and a one-hundred-watt lightbulb.

  Her lazy assistant, Hans, was sitting at a table flirting with Sparkle the Poodle.

  “Get off your lazy buns, Hans! Table One needs water and Table Two is still waiting for zee appetizer! Must Miss Bri-Bri do everything herself?!” she scolded her teddy bear assistant.

  But Hans just stared back at her blankly, like he had cotton for brains.

  “I swear, sometimes talking to you is like talking to a stuffed animal!” she ranted.

  “Brianna, WHAT are you baking? I hate to admit it, but it smells wonderful!” I gushed.

  I walked over to her oven to take a peek inside. As I reached for the oven door, she picked up a wooden mixing spoon and swatted my hand away.

  SMACK!

  “OW! That hurt!” I whined, rubbing my hand.

  “NO PEEKING, dah-ling!”

  Still! I just couldn’t get over the fact that whatever she was baking smelled SO good, it made my mouth water.

  And since I hadn’t had breakfast yet and the hockey puck appetizer was inedible, I was practically STARVING!

  Soon the timer on her oven went off with a loud DING!

  Now covered from head to toe in flour and frosting, Miss Bri-Bri put on a pair of pink oven mitts and pulled out a tray of the cutest little COOKIES. They were shaped just like the bow on her hat. . . .

  MISS BRI-BRI, BAKING COOKIES

  Then she placed them on the kitchen countertop to cool.

  “Feast your eyes, dah-ling! These cookies are my very own secret recipe and made with only zee finest ingredients in zee world!” She grinned.

  “Can I try one? PLEASE?” I begged.

  “NO! Sorry, dah-ling! Zee cookies are NOT for YOU! They are for my special VIP guests. But today is your lucky day, yes? Miss Bri-Bri will allow YOU to be her taste tester.”

  “YES!!” I shouted, and I did a little boogie like I had just scored a touchdown or something.

  She handed me a golden-brown sugar cookie with shiny hot-pink frosting on it. I couldn’t wait to take a bite!

  OOPS! My cell phone is ringing! It’s probably my BFFs calling to discuss how we’re going to notify everyone that my party has been canceled. Gotta go! More later! . . .

  !!

  FRIDAY, JUNE 20

  Okay! So, I was DYING to try Brianna’s cookies.

  I nervously bit into one and held my breath.

  It was crunchy, sweet, and buttery, and it practically melted in my mouth.

  “MMMMMM, these are DELISH!” I moaned.

  It was like I had bitten off a tiny piece of heaven.

  “OMG! WHAT did you put into these things?!”

  “It is a secret, dah-ling. If I tell you, I will have to kill you. With my cookie cutter. You will die a painful death of one thousand cuts!”

  “Never mind!” I muttered as I took another bite. “Miss Bri-Bri! This is AMAZING!!”

  “What’s amazing?” my dad asked sleepily.

  He and my mom trudged into the kitchen for their morning cups of coffee.

  “You guys have got to try these!” I said, handing them both a cookie. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think your younger daughter is a cookie-baking prodigy!”

  “Bonjour! I’m Miss Bri-Bri, zee legendary pastry chef to zee stars. Nice to meet you!”

  She shook Mom’s and Dad’s hands like they were new guests at her café.

  My parents winked at each other and played along.

  “Bon appétit, dah-lings! Please enjoy your cookies.” Miss Bri-Bri smiled.

  Suddenly Mom and Dad didn’t need coffee anymore.

  The sensational flavor of those mouthwatering cookies shocked them awake like a Taser gun!

  We couldn’t get enough! . . .

  WE LOVE MISS BRI-BRI’S COOKIES!

  I had completely underestimated my little sister.

  She was not only a very talented and creative chef, but a future gourmet GENIUS!

  “I can’t believe you MADE these!” Mom gushed. “I’m so proud of you, sweetie! We need to save your recipe! What did you use?”

  “Well, sugar, cinnamon, butter, vanilla, rainbow sprinkles, Happy Dog Tender Kibble with Cheesy Bits, chicken gizzards, and, most importantly, my secret ingredient, Cap’n Crunch cereal!” Miss Bri-Bri beamed proudly.

  At first we all just FROZE. Then, slowly but surely, the significance of Miss Bri-Bri’s highly unusual ingredients started to sink in.

  Even the weird shape of her cookies finally made sense to us.

  Mom, Dad, and I gagged, coughed, and spit out our cookies at exactly the same time! . . .

  MOM, DAD, AND ME, FREAKING OUT WHEN BRIANNA TELLS US WHAT’S IN HER COOKIES!

  I think all three of us felt a little nauseated.

  Those cookies weren’t shaped like little bows! They were bone-shaped DOGGIE treats!

  Miss Bri-Bri was SO proud of herself.

  “I call zem Miss Bri-Bri’s Yummy Cookies for Dogs and Their Humans! They make your taste buds want to BARK, yes?!”

  “My taste buds want to SLAP you with a SPATULA!” I yelled at her. “You just fed us DOGGIE TREATS without telling us!”

  “This café has a very strict no-slapping-with-spatulas policy, dah-ling!” Miss Bri-Bri said nervously as she backed away from me.

  “Is it WEIRDER that I just ate a doggie snack or WEIRDER that I want to eat another one?” Dad asked as he stuffed two more cookies into his mouth. “I can’t get enough of these yummy things. I’m SO ashamed!”

  “I totally agree, dear. They are DELISH!” Mom said as she snatched one out of his hand and popped it into her mouth.

  I just stared at my parents. They were both snarfing down those doggie snacks like they hadn’t eaten in weeks.

  Suddenly, I came to MY senses.

  “Mom! Dad! I can’t believe you guys!” I yelled. “JUST STOP IT, PLEASE! YOU’RE HOGGING ALL THE COOKIES!”

  I quickly grabbed some for myself before my parents ate them all.

  “WHAT are you people doing?!” Miss Bri-Bri scolded us. “These cookies are for my two very important guests! A food critic from zee newspaper and a rep from zee French ambassador’s office will be arriving very soon!”

  “Yeah, right!” I scoffed as I popped another doggie treat into my mouth.

  “I am VERY serious!” Miss Bri-Bri said as she whipped out her notepad and showed it to me.

  I tried to read her sloppy scribbles.

  “This morning a Mr. Brandon and a Mr. André made reservations for my café. They are friends of yours, yes?”

  OMG! I almost fainted right there on the spot.

  “They’ll both be arriving here very soon, dah-ling! And if they LOVE my cookies, they’ll give my café a five-star review. Then I’ll be even MORE famous than I already am!” she giggled.

  Miss Bri-Bri had invited BOTH Brandon and André to my house?!

  I’m good friends with both of them. But they can’t STAND to be in the same room with each other.

  I totally FREAKED OUT and screamed . . .

  Sorry, but I’m freaking out AGAIN just writing about all this stuff. I REALLY need to take a break.

  I’ll continue this diary entry tomorrow . . . MAYBE!

  !!

  SATURDAY, JUNE 21

  Brianna has done a lot of TERRIBLE things to me during her lifetime. But inviting over BOTH Brandon and André and not bothering to tell me about it until the very last minute was a new low for her.

  “How could you do this?!” I yelled at her.

  “Actually, it was really eas
y. I just texted them,” Miss Bri-Bri explained. “With YOUR phone.”

  “WHAT?! You used MY phone?!” I shrieked. “Now they’re going to think I invited them here. Brandon and André practically HATE each other and can’t stand to be in the same room!”

  “Don’t worry, dah-ling! You know what zay say, good food brings everyone together!” she said with a cheesy grin.

  “It’s going to take MORE than good food for those two to get along!” I grumbled.

  “But zay ALSO say, nothing is more EXCITING to watch than a really good FOOD FIGHT between two people who HATE each other!” Miss Bri-Bri added cheerfully.

  I started to PANIC! What if Brianna was right?! What if Brandon and André actually had a FOOD FIGHT?!

  “Don’t worry! There WON’T be any fighting.” Miss Bri-Bri smirked. “Once Brandon and André taste the delicious cookies at my café, BOTH of them will FORGET all about YOU, dah-ling.”

  “Yeah, probably because they’ll both be too busy FREAKING OUT over the fact that they just ate some DOGGIE SNACKS!” I shot back. “Thanks a bunch, Miss Bri-Bri. You’ve made a HUMONGOUS mess in the kitchen AND in my LIFE!”

  Right then I was so angry at Brianna, I wanted to . . . SCREAM !! But first I needed to contact both guys to let them know what was going on. Before it was too late!

  I dashed up the stairs to my bedroom to get my cell phone, with Miss Bri-Bri in hot pursuit! . . .

  I slammed my bedroom door and locked it. Then I grabbed my phone and started typing an e-mail as fast as my fingers could go.

  That’s when Miss Bri-Bri politely knocked.

  “Listen, dah-ling. Let’s make a deal! Miss Bri-Bri will clean up the messy kitchen and your MESSY LIFE! Yes?! Just don’t touch zat PHONE!”

  “Too late!” I said as I hit the send button on my phone. This is the e-mail I sent to Brandon and André. . . .

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  To Whom It May Concern:

  You are receiving this e-mail because you have just been scammed by a six-year-old wannabe pastry chef impostor who calls herself Miss Bri-Bri.

  Please disregard this lunatic’s text invitation to a five-star French bakery and café, as it is only a figment of her imagination.

  I repeat, please ignore her message and STAY HOME!!

  And, whatever you do, do NOT let her con you into eating her pretty pink cookies, which, strangely enough, are SUPERdelicious DOGGIE SNACKS.

  WARNING!: Side effects of her cooking may include nausea, vomiting, confusion, dizziness, belly bloat, memory loss, severe acne, swollen feet, bad breath, tooth decay, intense itching, hair loss, uncontrollable diarrhea, ingrown toenails, and pungent body odor.

  I apologize for any inconvenience my sister may have caused you. I am truly sorry and will spend the rest of the day locked in my bedroom trying to cope with the utter humiliation and sheer embarrassment of having to write this e-mail to you.

  Your friend,

  Nikki Maxwell

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Within minutes, both Brandon and André responded to my e-mail.

  ANDRÉ AND BRANDON, E-MAILING ME BACK

  “Your VIP guests just canceled,” I told Miss Bri-Bri. “Now help me clean up this kitchen!”

  “ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN ME?!” Miss Bri-Bri shouted as she stomped around the kitchen throwing a temper tantrum just like those real chefs on TV.

  We had finally finished up cleaning the kitchen and were about to put away her Lil’ Chef oven, toys, and café stuff when we heard the doorbell.

  Brianna rushed off to answer the door, and I collapsed into a toy chair and closed my eyes in exhaustion. I was still a little traumatized by all the drama she’d caused with her texts.

  I must have accidentally dozed off or something, because all I remember is hearing a voice: “Welcome to Miss Bri-Bri’s Café! Please have a seat. Would you like some lemon tea?”

  When I opened my eyes, I expected to see Brianna serving tea to her doll or teddy bear. But it wasn’t a toy at all. . . .

  WHAT WAS BRANDON DOING AT MISS BRI-BRI’S CAFÉ?!!

  Brandon said that after reading my FRANTIC e-mail, he thought a cupcake would be the perfect thing to cheer me up. He even had one for Miss Bri-Bri! SQUEEEE ! . . .

  BRANDON AND ME, HAVING CUPCAKES!

  Brandon was RIGHT! That cupcake DID cheer me up. A LOT!

  We just sat there kind of staring at each other and blushing while Miss Bri-Bri kept refilling our teacups with her delicious lemon tea.

  But after her cookie recipe, there was NO WAY I was going to ask her what was in that tea to make it taste so good, because, honestly . . .

  I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW !!

  The last thing I needed was to completely embarrass myself in front of Brandon by SPITTING lemon tea across the room once I found out the weird, wacky, and slightly gross ingredients she’d used.

  Anyway, I suddenly started to wonder if it was just me, or did Miss Bri-Bri’s Café actually have kind of a romantic vibe?!

  SQUEEE !!

  I was a little surprised when Brandon apologized for all the drama between André and him last week.

  Then he said that he’d received his invitation in the mail a few days ago and was looking forward to hanging out with me at my birthday party.

  I sighed and explained how the party had been on and off and on and off and then on again after the invitations accidentally got sent out.

  And that I didn’t have a choice but to contact everyone and let them know that the party was officially CANCELED. Again.

  Brandon just blinked and looked REALLY confused about the whole thing. Although I totally didn’t blame him.

  Hey, it’s MY party! And I’m STILL pretty confused about it TOO.

  We were finishing up our cupcakes when Brandon cleared his throat and asked me a surprising question.

  “So, Nikki, do you have any plans for dinner? I just got a FREE gift certificate for food that I won’t be using. I think you can probably put it to better use than I can.” He smiled.

  “Wow! Thanks, Brandon!” I exclaimed. “Is it Queasy Cheesy, Crazy Burger, or someplace else? Hey! Maybe we can eat dinner there together?!”

  Brandon tried his best not to laugh as he pulled the gift certificate out of his pocket and handed it to me. . . .

  BRANDON’S GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR MISS BRI-BRI’S CAFÉ!

  However, after Miss Bri-Bri explained that her special of the day was a baloney and cheese sandwich topped with ice cream, ketchup, Goldfish crackers, and rainbow cupcake sprinkles, Brandon and I decided we’d just SKIP dinner.

  Then we both laughed until we were gasping for air.

  Even though most of the food at Miss Bri-Bri’s Café was awful, we actually had a BLAST there.

  As much as I’m looking forward to going to Paris this summer and spending time with André, I’m REALLY going to miss hanging out with Brandon!

  I’m VERY lucky to have him as a friend!

  !!

  SUNDAY, JUNE 22

  Today Mom and Dad went to the local Home Improvement Expo to promote Dad’s pest control business, Maxwell’s Bug Extermination.

  Unfortunately, this meant that I now had my OWN pest control situation to deal with—babysitting Brianna for the entire day !

  I was chillaxing and watching a rerun of my FAVE reality show, My Very Rich and Trashy Life!, when I noticed that my house was unusually . . . QUIET!

  (Well, other than the cast members hysterically screaming “I HATE YOU!” at each other and then, two minutes later, giggling insanely as they take selfies, smothering each other with air-kisses. I so LOOOVE that show!!)

  Oddly enough, I heard no bathtubs overflowing, no smoke detectors screeching, and no Brianna excitedly shouting . . .

  MY CELL PHONE HAS A TOILET FLOAT APP?!

  WHAT was going on?! I decided to turn off the TV and find out!

  Brianna wasn’t in the family roo
m watching cartoons, in her bedroom playing with her toys, or in the kitchen cooking up trouble with her Princess Sugar Plum Lil’ Chef oven.

  Daisy wasn’t around either.

  However, I did notice that her dog leash was missing from its hook near the front door.

  This obviously meant that the two of them were playing outside in the yard, RIGHT?!

  WRONG! There was no trace of them.

  That’s when I suddenly remembered Brianna mentioning that her best friend, Oliver, was visiting his grandmother, Mrs. Wallabanger, today.

  And, just in case you were wondering, YES! It’s THAT Mrs. Wallabanger! Our accordion-playing elderly neighbor with the belly-dancing BFFs, Mildred and Marge!

  I rushed next door to Mrs. Wallabanger’s house and rang the doorbell.

  After what seemed like FOREVER, she finally answered.

  I was surprised to hear dance music blasting inside the house. . . .

  Boom-ba-da-boom! Boom-ba-da-boom!

  Boom-ba-da-boom! Boom-ba-da-boom!

  Actually, the beat was kind of awesome!

  Hey! If she’d play THIS kind of music at my birthday party, maybe I’d reconsider.

  NOT !

  That was just a little joke, people.

  Anyway, Mrs. Wallabanger was wearing leopard-print spandex pants, a brightly colored I HEART ZUMBA T-shirt, and sweatbands. . . .

  MY NEIGHBOR, MRS. WALLABANGER!

  “Hello, Nikki, dear! Sorry, but I didn’t hear the doorbell right away!” she shouted over the music. “I’m doing a Zumba exercise video. It’s so fun to boogie down! And would you believe that I’m learning to TWERP?!”

  “Um . . . I THINK YOU MEAN ‘TWERK,’ ” I yelled.

  Her music was so loud, she could barely hear me, even with her hearing aid in.

  Mrs. Wallabanger suddenly stopped smiling. “WHAT did you just say?! You THINK I’M A MEAN JERK?!” She scowled. “Don’t get RUDE with me, young lady!”

  “No! I didn’t say that!” I shouted. “I actually said, um . . . never mind! Anyway, I’m really sorry to interrupt your workout, but have you seen Brianna?”