Dork Diaries 6: Tales From a Not-So-Happy Heartbreaker Read online

  A moldy peanut butter sandwich?

  My favorite not-from-the-mall linty hoodie?

  An opened pack of tissues?

  A half-used tube of lip gloss?

  My situation was hopeless!

  Maybe I could give them something really unusual.

  For me, anyway.

  Something that would require honesty, integrity, and maturity.

  Like maybe . . . the TRUTH?!

  “I’m really sorry, Chloe and Zoey, but as a surprise, I tried to buy tickets to the Sweetheart Dance for you both, but they were sold out”?!

  NO WAY!!

  Unfortunately, honesty, integrity, and maturity are NOT my strong points.

  So instead, I decided to just fake it by giving them some junk from my locker . . . .

  Of course, they both thought I was nuts. They looked at me and then their surprise, and then at each other, and then back at me, and then at their surprise again, and then at each other.

  Finally Zoey forced a smile and said, “Nikki! Um, thanks. You . . . shouldn’t have!”

  But Chloe was NOT having it. “Yeah, Nikki. She’s right! You really SHOULDN’T have! You’re kidding, right?! Please tell me this isn’t the big surprise you were telling us abo—” That’s when Zoey gave Chloe a swift kick in the shin to shut her up.

  “We totally love our gifts! Right, Chloe?” Zoey said, glaring at Chloe through a fake smile.

  “I’ll love it if it will keep you from KICKING me again!” Chloe grumbled under her breath, still rubbing her shin.

  I plastered a fake smile across my face. “Um, you’re both welcome! ENJOY!”

  And YES! I was a total loser for tricking my friends like that.

  And now I’m feeling REALLY guilty.

  I can’t believe I actually gave my BFFs slightly used TISSUE pack and LIP GLOSS!!

  I mean, WHO does THAT?!

  I’m such a TOTAL LOSER!

  I wouldn’t even want to be FRIENDS with MYSELF !

  Unfortunately, my day didn’t get any better.

  Once I got home, there was even more bad news waiting for me.

  Trevor Chase had called and said he needed to reschedule for next month. He’s in the process of producing a television special for Lady Gaga and had to remain in New York City for another three weeks.

  So now my band and I WON’T be meeting with him on Saturday to discuss recording our original song.

  My exciting career as a filthy-rich, world-famous POP STAR was over before it had even gotten started.

  That’s showbiz!

  !!

  FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7

  I was a little worried when I saw a note from Chloe and Zoey on my locker this morning . . . .

  After giving them those crazy “gifts” yesterday, I figured they had decided that I was WAY too FLAKY to be their friend.

  They were probably mad at me and demanding both an explanation and an apology for my bizarre behavior yesterday.

  And I didn’t blame them one bit. I was still mad at MYSELF for what I did.

  When I got to the janitor’s closet, Chloe and Zoey were already there. But instead of being angry, they were SUPERexcited about something.

  “Guess what, Nikki! Zoey and I decided to do something really fun. It’s kind of a surprise!” Chloe said, giving me jazz hands.

  “Yeah, and we waited so long that we almost missed out!” Zoey giggled.

  “After the tacky surprise I gave you two, I’m almost afraid to see it!” I said, very relieved that they were not going to ditch me as a friend.

  “Okay, now close your eyes!” Chloe said. And then they both shouted . . .

  When I opened my eyes, I was half expecting them to dump a bucket of water on me as a prank to repay me for those tacky gifts.

  Then I noticed they were holding something in their hands . . . .

  TICKETS TO THE

  SWEETHEART DANCE

  !!

  My mouth dropped open. “OMG! Chloe! Zoey! You guys have tickets to the dance?! You BOTH decided to go? I’m SOOO happy for you!” I gushed. “Yesterday I tried to buy six tickets for us too. But they were sold out! That was actually going to be my REAL surprise!”

  However, deep down I felt a little sad, because I really wanted all of us to go to the dance together. Our romantic dream of going on a triple date would have FINALLY come true!

  But it wasn’t like I was jealous of them or anything. I mean, how juvenile would THAT be?!

  “Wow! YOU actually tried to buy tickets for US?!” Zoey exclaimed. “Well, Nikki . . .”

  OMG! I was SO shocked and surprised when they both handed me my very own tickets to the Sweetheart Dance.

  Chloe had already asked Marcus, and he said YES! And Zoey had already asked Theo, and he said YES!

  So now I just have to get up enough nerve to ask Brandon! And PRAY he hasn’t ALREADY agreed to go with MacKenzie.

  I have to admit, I’ve been giving him a hard time. And every time he tried to explain what happened or apologize, I pretty much shot him down. But it was mostly because I was really frustrated that things weren’t working out the way I had hoped they would.

  So on Monday I plan to make the extra effort to try and patch things up between us.

  The Sweetheart Dance is going to be AWESOME! And Chloe and Zoey are the best friends EVER!

  SQUEEEEEE!!! !!

  I had just gotten home from school when I got another text message from Brandon . . . .

  *****

  FROM BRANDON:

  Busy at Fuzzy Friends bathing a smelly, long-haired dog and thought about you .

  4:57 p.m.

  *****

  Okay, I’m really happy that Brandon was thinking about me and all. But do I really remind him of a smelly, long-haired dog?!!!

  *****

  FROM NIKKI:

  Hi Brandon. Thanks! I think . . .

  4:59 p.m.

  *****

  GRRRRRR!!

  OMG!! Did I just growl like a DOG?!

  I have to admit, Brandon always seems to be superbusy lately.

  If it’s not Fuzzy Friends, it’s the newspaper or some big photography project.

  It’s like he doesn’t have time for me anymore.

  I grabbed my backpack and pulled out that magazine article, “How to Know if a Guy Is Just NOT Into You!”

  And as I had suspected . . .

  3. Suddenly he’s always too busy to spend any time with you.

  It was another match!

  I crossed #3 off of the list.

  NOT good!

  Okay, now I’m starting to worry that our relationship is DOOMED!

  !!

  SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8

  The last thing I wanted to do was take Brianna to the Kandy Kingdom playland at the mall. But Mom had invited some ladies over for her book club and asked a certain someone to take Brianna out so she wouldn’t wreak havoc at home.

  This “someone” agreed to do it, but his secret plan was to hang out with friends at the bowling alley and dump Brianna at the mall with her poor, unsuspecting older sister.

  Of course, I totally lost it and yelled, “DAD, THAT WAS A REALLY JERKY THING TO DO TO ME!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!” But I just said it inside my head, so no one else heard it but me.

  I sat on a bench in front of Kandy Kingdom and tried to write in my diary. I watched Brianna slide down from the castle tower, jump into the moat filled with balls, and bounce in the royal dungeon until my eyes glazed over.

  OMG! I was SO bored I wanted to grab one of the giant plastic lollipops and knock myself unconscious to put an end to my suffering . . . .

  To make matters worse, the place was decorated with zillions of HEARTS!

  Which, unfortunately, reminded me that the Sweetheart Dance was ONLY a week away and I STILL needed to get up the courage to ask Brandon to go.

  JUST GREAT !

  I was about to go grab that giant lollipop, when I saw our neighbor lady, Mrs. Wallabanger.

 
; “Hello, Nikki, dear!” she said cheerfully. “What a pleasant surprise to see you here! How are your parents?”

  “Hi, Mrs. Wallabanger. BOTH of my parents are doing fine. How about YOU?”

  Mrs. Wallabanger’s smile quickly faded. “You say they BOTH have the FLU? Goodness gracious!” She shook her head in pity. “I hear there’s a nasty bug going around right now.”

  In spite of her hearing aid, Mrs. Wallabanger was still VERY hard of hearing. She usually misunderstood about 90% of everything I said.

  So most of the time I just went along with whatever she said and didn’t try to correct her. Although she’s a bit eccentric and very feisty, she’s basically a nice person.

  “Well, you tell your mother I’m going to bring over some of my famous chicken soup, all right, dear?”

  “Uh . . . okay,” I answered awkwardly.

  “Oh! And before I forget, I want to introduce you and Brianna to my grandson,” she said.

  That’s when I noticed the cutest little boy standing behind her. He was about the same age as Brianna.

  He saw me looking at him and bashfully hid his face . . . .

  MRS. WALLABANGER, INTRODUCING ME TO HER GRANDSON

  “Brianna!” I motioned for her to join us. “Come say hello to Mrs. Wallabanger’s grandson.”

  “What grandson?” she asked, looking around. “Is he invisible?”

  “Girls, I want you to meet Oliver,” Mrs. Wallabanger said. “Don’t be shy, Oliver. Nikki and Brianna won’t bite.”

  I grabbed Brianna firmly by her shoulders. I don’t bite. But with her, you can never be too careful. Oliver saw Brianna and came out of hiding.

  “Hi there, Mrs. Wallabanger’s grandson!” Brianna said excitedly. She gave him a toothy grin and held out her hand to shake his.

  But he just looked at her and stared at her hand in amazement. Suddenly he pulled something out of his pocket and placed it over his hand. It was a tattered gym sock. It had several small holes and was covered with dirt stains.

  An oversize pair of googly eyes had been sewn onto the sock, and a large button nose was dangling by a loose thread.

  “I’m Oliver, and my friend Mr. Buttons thinks your hand smells like Cheetos,” he said, holding up his sock puppet.

  “That’s ’cause Miss Penelope and me had some for lunch,” she replied, and licked sticky orange dust from her fingers. “Mmm . . . cheesy! Wanna taste?”

  She shoved her slobbery hand in Oliver’s face.

  “GROSS!” He wrinkled his nose and pushed her hand away. “GIRLS GOT COOTIES!”

  “Well, you have way more cooties than me, you BIG MEANIE!” Brianna yelled back.

  Mrs. Wallabanger looked totally confused.

  “Now, what’s all of this talk about GIRL SCOUT COOKIES and BEANS-’N’-WEENIES?”

  “Um, actually, Oliver and Brianna were just having a, um, friendly little discussion about their favorite foods,” I lied.

  “Well, Nikki, dear, could I ask you to do me a big favor? I’d like to make a quick stop by RadioShack to see if they have some hearing-aid batteries. I like to keep a few extra on hand because without them I can’t hear a thing. Would you mind watching Oliver until I return?”

  “Sure,” I answered. “Just take your time. Brianna and Oliver can get to know each other better.”

  “Thank you. You’re such a sweetheart!” She smiled and pinched my cheek. “I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”

  “Brianna, be nice to Oliver, okay?” I said. “Why don’t you two go play together?”

  “I don’t wanna play with that weirdo!” she shouted. “Look! He has a puppet on his hand! Besides, Miss Penelope’s my best friend, and I only play with HER!”

  “Well, I don’t want to play with YOU, either!” Oliver huffed. “Mr. Buttons is the bestest, smartest friend in the world! And he’s an astronaut, too!”

  “Well, Miss Penelope is a superhero like Princess Sugar Plum. And she keeps the world safe from the evil tooth fairy!” Brianna bragged.

  Oliver’s eyes widened, and he looked like he’d just seen a ghost.

  “Did you just say the t-t-tooth fairy?!” he stammered. “Once I swallowed my tooth so she wouldn’t come after me. That fairy lady is CRAZY!”

  “You did that TOO?!” Brianna asked in surprise.

  The two of them chatted on and on about the tooth fairy, dinosaurs, Princess Sugar Plum, and chocolate cake for what seemed like forever.

  And get THIS!

  Pretty soon Miss Penelope and Mr. Buttons joined in on their very weird conversation.

  The four of them were acting just like BFFs!

  OLIVER, BRIANNA, MR. BUTTONS, AND MISS PENELOPE, HAVING A FRIENDLY CHAT TOGETHER

  All of the giggling and puppy love was utterly adorable! Even though it involved two VERY weird little kids. And their even weirder talking hand puppets.

  If they started having play dates together on a regular basis, I’d have obnoxious imaginary friends, migraines, broken furniture, kitchen fires, and nervous breakdowns TIMES TWO! No . . . FOUR! I broke into a cold sweat just thinking about it.

  “I’m back!” Mrs. Wallabanger announced. “It was so kind of you to watch my grandson for me. Enjoy the rest of your day, girls. Now come along, Oliver.”

  Oliver ran up to his grandmother and took her hand.

  “Bye, Miss Penelope!” Oliver Mr. Buttons yelled as Oliver waved his little sock-puppet hand.

  “Bye, Mr. Buttons!” Brianna Miss Penelope screeched with her very big mouth.

  After Mrs. Wallabanger and Oliver left, I gave Brianna an evil grin . . . .

  “STOP IT OR I’M TELLING MOM!” she yelled at me. She was blushing profusely, and I couldn’t stop laughing.

  It was SWEET revenge for all of those times Brianna had embarrassed ME in front of Brandon!

  “If I didn’t know better, I’d say somebody is having her first crush!” I teased.

  “Not me!” Brianna snapped. “But Miss Penelope might like Mr. Buttons a teeny-weeny bit because they both love chocolate cake. She told me not to tell anyone, so you have to promise to keep it a secret!”

  “Okay. I promise,” I said, and gave her a big hug.

  So maybe the thought of Brianna having a crush isn’t that nauseating.

  I’m a romantic, after all.

  I can already picture their future wedding. Brianna would be dressed in a designer Princess Sugar Plum gown and Oliver would be wearing a clunky astronaut suit . . . .

  BRIANNA AND OLIVER’S WEDDING

  The “kiddie gourmet” wedding feast would include gummy bear appetizers, SpaghettiOs, chicken nuggets, Teddy Grahams, Goldfish crackers, Hawaiian Punch, and a five-tiered chocolate cake with bubble-gum filling.

  How CUTE would THAT be?

  Hey, even little PSYCHOS like Brianna need love too!

  !

  SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9

  I’m already DREADING school tomorrow.

  Why?

  Because we have a floating skills test in swim class.

  Hey, if a human was meant to float, we’d be made of plastic. And instead of having a belly button we’d have a little nozzle thingy so we could be pumped full of air, just like a tire. I’m just sayin’!

  Whenever I try to swim in the deep end of the pool, I pretty much sink right to the bottom.

  Like a 250-pound rock.

  But that’s not the worst part!

  Do you have any idea of the very gross stuff that’s lying on the bottoms of swimming pools?!

  It’s like an underwater lost-and-found down there . . . .

  ME, LOOKING AT ALL OF THE JUNK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL

  What I really need is a swim class excuse form letter that other kids and I can use to get out of swim class . . . .

  SWIM CLASS EXCUSE FORM LETTER

  FROM: ______________________

  (YOUR NAME)

  TO: ________________________

  (NAME OF SWIM INSTRUCTOR)

  RE: Medical
Excuse for Swim Class

  It is with

  great sorrow

  a really bad headache

  food stuck in my teeth

  a funky foot odor

  that I inform you that I am unable to participate in today’s swim class. Last night I discovered that I’m severely allergic to

  my mom’s meat loaf.

  my little brother’s boogers.

  most crawling insects.

  water.

  After swallowing just a tiny amount, I became really

  nervous

  dizzy

  constipated

  confused

  and accidentally fell

  into the bathtub

  down the stairs

  in love

  into a snake pit

  and totally busted my

  liver.

  tailbone.

  nose.

  baby toe.

  Due to the massive trauma I suffered, I suddenly and unexpectedly went into

  a medley of show tunes.

  a closet to hide from the tooth fairy.

  a fit of involuntary hiccuping.

  my sister’s room to yell at her.

  I was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room, where the doctor told me I was lucky to be alive. Apparently, exposure to the high concentration of

  spit

  bacteria

  disease

  belly-button lint

  found in pool water could be deadly and cause both a serious infection and a severe case of

  abnormally hairy legs.

  irritable bowel syndrome.

  compulsive chicken dancing.

  projectile vomiting.

  Of course I am

  totally devastated

  surprised and shocked

  dazed and confused

  completely baffled

  by this awful news. As a health precaution, my doctor has ordered me to avoid pool water for at least the next

  week.

  month.

  year.

  decade.

  Thank you for understanding my health situation and being so amazingly

  sympathetic.

  ugly.

  gullible.

  stupid.