The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 3 Read online

  “Listen, Erin! You should just GO! Right now! Before this situation gets even WORSE!”

  She looked really annoyed as I stood there trapped in a Dumpster of garbage, wearing her ice princess costume, straining to balance her on my shoulders and not fall over, with cops everywhere!

  Maybe it was a little difficult for her to imagine HOW this situation could actually get WORSE.

  (There were valid reasons I was wearing an ice princess costume, but I don’t have time to go into them right now. So just trust me. It seemed like a good idea at the time.)

  “Don’t be stupid, Max!” Erin sighed. “I’ll just pull you up, and then we can leave. TOGETHER!”

  Every minute she wasted helping me was a minute she was NOT escaping. I tried to reason with her. “Erin, I’m the whole reason you’re in this MESS! Because of me, you hacked into the school’s surveillance system, lied to your parents, and had your laptop confiscated! Then you snuck out of your house in the middle of the night to help ME, and now you’re STUCK in a Dumpster surrounded by the police! You DO realize you’re going to be grounded until your twenty-first birthday, right?!”

  DANG! When I put it like that, I had no idea WHY she was still hanging around.

  “Exactly!” Erin agreed. “Why would I abandon you now when we’re SO close to getting out of here?”

  She DID have a really good point! Take it from me, aspiring superheroes. Make sure you have a sidekick who’s RIDE OR DIE!

  And bonus points if she smells like cupcakes, Skittles, and Snuggle dryer sheets.

  Right then I felt like Erin and I were INVINCIBLE! We could accomplish ANYTHING! But that wonderful feeling lasted only about thirty seconds.

  “OMG!” Erin exclaimed. “The cops are coming back! Max, I need to hurry and pull you up so we can— WHOOOA!!”

  Erin shrieked as she suddenly lost her balance and teetered back and forth and back and forth on my shoulders. Of course, that made me lose MY balance, and I teetered back and forth too.

  Finally, we BOTH toppled over backward and . . .

  . . . CRASH-LANDED IN THE DUMPSTER!

  We just lay there, stunned, sprawled out on top of the garbage like discarded mannequins.

  Luckily, we landed on that old mattress. Although we were pretty shaken up, we were really happy we didn’t have any broken bones.

  “Erin, what did you see out there?!” I asked.

  Her eyes were HUGE with worry. “FOUR cops and a police DOG. WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, MAX!! NOW!!”

  Things quickly deteriorated from bad to worse. We heard the crackle of a police radio WAY too close for comfort. . . .

  “Sarge, I just heard a noise from inside a brick storage enclosure out here. But it just might be rats. Do you want me to check it out?” he asked.

  “RATS?!” Erin and I both gasped in horror.

  It never occurred to us that there could be RATS in our Dumpster! But why not?

  Rats from miles around would live in an all-you-can-eat buffet of cheap, nasty, rotten food.

  NOT the Dumpster! The SCHOOL CAFETERIA!

  And if there were RATS in the Dumpster, maybe there were also poisonous SPIDERS, venomous SNAKES, and soul-sucking DEMENTORS!

  Hey, it could happen!!

  “Got it! I’ll investigate and secure the perimeter, Sarge,” the officer responded.

  That’s when the dog started barking like crazy. I couldn’t help but wonder how painful it would be to be torn apart by a RABID police dog!

  But don’t get it twisted! I LOVE dogs! I even volunteer at Fuzzy Friends Animal Rescue Center with my friend Brandon.

  But THOSE dogs aren’t trained to ATTACK on command!!

  “What’s that, Buster?” the officer said. “You think there’s something inside? Let’s go take a look!”

  OH, CRUD! WE WERE SO DEAD!!

  Erin and I just stared at each other frantically.

  But if our eyeballs had vocal cords, they would have been SCREAMING hysterically.

  We didn’t have a choice but to dig into the DIRTY, STINKY, MOLDY, ROTTING pile of GARBAGE until we had completely buried ourselves from sight. Like some kind of WEIRD . . . HALF-HUMAN, HALF-MOLE . . . DUMPSTER-LOVING . . . FREAKS!

  All while trying really hard NOT to think about the RATS!!

  I HATE my life!!

  FOR REAL!

  4. HELP! DEADLY DUMPSTER RATS DOG!

  If you think being buried alive in garbage or attacked by a vicious police dog was the WORST thing that could happen to us, I have some shocking news!

  There was another threat ten times more dangerous.

  WHAT was it?!

  Being EATEN ALIVE by a dozen huge, dirty Dumpster RATS with fat, scaly tails, matted brown fur, dull, lifeless black eyes, and very sharp, pointy teeth.

  Okay, Erin and I didn’t actually SEE any of these deadly Dumpster rats.

  But STILL!!

  We had every reason to be really worried that at some point we WOULD.

  And it was probably going to be HORRIBLE. . . .

  ERIN AND ME, SURROUNDED BY DANGEROUS AND DEADLY DUMPSTER RATS!

  Thank goodness we hadn’t seen any Dumpster rats so far.

  PRO TIP: When trying to hide in a ton of stinky garbage, do not breathe, because you will accidentally inhale or swallow something that’s definitely NOT meant for human consumption.

  For this reason, we decided to just hide BEHIND that old mattress instead.

  First, the thick padding offered protection from violent attacks by dogs, rats, and dementors.

  And second, after smelling the mattress up close, we were pretty sure one whiff of that STANK would KNOCK that police dog OUT COLD!!

  We heard footsteps, and then the officer unlocked and slowly opened the huge steel door. . . .

  SCREEEEEEEEECH!

  We held our breath and peeked over the mattress. The officer stood at the entrance, talking into his radio while his dog nervously paced in circles, sniffing the ground and barking. . . .

  AN OFFICER, CHECKING OUT OUR DUMPSTER

  We didn’t dare make a sound!

  “What is it, boy?!” the officer asked.

  Just then the radio crackled again, and a garbled voice came through. “Hang on, Sarge!” the officer said. “I need to move outside this brick wall to hear you better. . . .”

  Erin and I sighed in relief as the officer wandered away in search of better reception.

  “Okay, Sarge, can you hear me now?! No?! Well, how about now?! Is THIS any better?! No?!” he asked as his voice grew fainter and fainter.

  If only that officer had taken his PESKY dog with him, we could have escaped through that open door and made it HOME in less than fifteen minutes. Now I had to rely on my extensive experience and training with canines.

  “What should we do?” Erin whispered, staring nervously at the barking dog.

  The dog snarled and bared its teeth. I suddenly felt as vulnerable as an extra-large Mighty Meat Monster pizza from Queasy Cheesy! The dog was about to ATTACK! Erin looked terrified. I HAD to do something!

  “NICE DOGGIE!” I muttered, extending my hand to let him sniff it the way Brandon had taught me at Fuzzy Friends.

  Of course, my hand was covered in Dumpster sludge. But dogs LOVE really stinky things! Right?!

  The dog ignored my hand and instead lunged at my FACE, knocking me over onto my back! My heart was pounding in my chest. I knew I was DEAD MEAT!!

  Until the dog gave me a BIG, WET, SLOPPY LICK!

  “THUMPER?!” I cried as the dog happily wagged his tail nonstop and smothered me with doggie kisses. “Do you remember me, boy?! Sure you do!”

  “THUMPER?!” Erin muttered, confused.

  I pointed to the dog’s back leg and then rubbed his belly. . . .

  ME, INTRODUCING THUMPER TO ERIN!

  He happily thumped his back leg on a pile of super-rank cottage cheese, splattering it everywhere.

  “Um . . . it seems like you know this dog?” Erin sputtered, wiping curds
off her face. “Really well!”

  “Thumper and I go way back!”

  “I thought his name was Buster,” Erin said.

  Thumper flattened his ears, looking insulted.

  “I guess that’s what they call him now that he’s a police dog! But Thumper used to be a rescue at Fuzzy Friends. He was so smart, the police canine unit picked him out and trained him. Back then he was a MANIAC for a game of fetch!”

  That gave me a brilliant idea! “Hey! Let’s find a ball!” I said excitedly. “I’m sure there’s a few in this Dumpster!”

  Normally, Erin would have said, “Max, NOW is a really BAD time to play catch with a dog!”

  But I didn’t have to explain my master plan to her. She was all in! Even Thumper bounced around the Dumpster, joining in our search.

  “Got one!” Erin cried after a minute.

  And just in time, too! That police officer’s voice seemed to be getting louder again.

  Erin handed me a rubber ball a teacher must have confiscated from some poor kid. Well, now it belonged to Thumper.

  I held the ball in front of Thumper’s face. “Wanna play fetch, buddy?” I said, tossing it over the wall.

  Hey, I’m not trying to brag, but that ball sailed across the parking lot like a death ray from the Incredible Hawk’s bionic talon!

  “Good thinking, Max!” Erin gushed.

  “Whoa, boy!” we heard the officer exclaim. “WHERE are you going?! Come back here!”

  I jumped out of the Dumpster, crept over to the door, and cautiously peeked out.

  In the distance I saw the officer chasing Thumper across the parking lot.

  “Whatcha got?” he finally said. “A BALL?! Is that what you wanted from that Dumpster, you CRAZY dog?!”

  I motioned for Erin to join me.

  “We can’t play catch now, boy! Sarge will put BOTH of us in the DOGHOUSE!” The officer chuckled at his own joke. “Come on. They want us to do a sweep inside.”

  We watched silently as the man and his dog walked toward the school building.

  However, when the dog suddenly stopped, looked back in our direction, and whimpered, my heart started to pound again.

  Luckily, the officer just whistled and tugged at the dog’s collar to get him to heel.

  “Wow! You were AWESOME, Max!” Erin gushed again. “I’m sorry I totally freaked out!”

  “No problem! Actually, I freaked out too.”

  Erin and I kind of stared at each other for a few seconds, and then we smiled and blushed.

  Hey, I could have stood there staring at her all night. Even with cottage cheese in her hair, she was still amazing and cute! Can you blame me?

  “Come on! Let’s get out of here while we can!” I exclaimed.

  I didn’t know which I felt more—happy or relieved.

  I had been trapped at my school for more than EIGHT HOURS!

  And FINALLY! My trusty sidekick and I were heading HOME!

  SWEET!!

  5. PANIC IN THE PARKING LOT

  We snuck out of the enclosure and into the parking lot.

  It was almost completely empty except for the police cars and an old truck.

  We were finally FREE! FREE! FREE! WOO-HOO!!

  Okay, I LIED!! We weren’t quite free . . . YET.

  The parking lot was HUGE, and anyone passing by could see us.

  Including all the police officers inside the school near windows.

  It felt like we were crossing a minefield in a video game or something. I’m not gonna lie, it was very STRESSFUL and very SCARY!

  We had made it almost halfway across the parking lot when three officers strolled out of the school.

  We made a mad dash for the nearest tree. Then we ducked behind it and held our breath. . . .

  ERIN AND ME, DUCKING BEHIND A TREE!

  This reminded me of the time my parents caught me SECRETLY shipping my baby brother, Oliver, to my uncle Chuck’s house in Michigan. . . .

  In my defense, I was only seven. I was sick of his nonstop screaming and him slobbering on my toys.

  I don’t have the slightest idea why my mom and dad were so upset with me. I cut air holes into the box so he could breathe and tossed in his favorite blankie for the long trip!

  Hey! I’m NOT a MONSTER!

  Anyway, that’s when I noticed that one of the cops was searching the area with a flashlight, and soon two others joined him.

  It was just a matter of time before they discovered US hanging out there in the middle of the parking lot behind a tree.

  I started to sweat as they got closer and closer.

  “Max, what are we going to do?!” Erin whispered nervously.

  I scanned the parking lot for cover. But there was nothing close by except an old truck.

  We really didn’t have much of a choice. . . .

  ERIN AND ME, DIVING INTO THE BACK OF A PARKED TRUCK!

  Then we tried our best to hide in the truck’s bed under the strange assortment of items.

  We almost had heart attacks when two officers walked right up to the truck with flashlights in hand and started talking about who was going to prepare the official incident report.

  We just held our breath and tried not to move a muscle. That’s when I started to have the most disturbing thoughts. . . .

  WHAT if Thumper smelled our scents and happily jumped into the back of the truck with us and playfully dropped his slobbery rubber ball at my feet for me to toss AGAIN?

  WHAT if I had to SNEEZE?! The truck WAS very dusty. Just thinking about it made me FEEL like I really had to sneeze. Don’t sneeze! Don’t sneeze!

  Finally, the officers sauntered away back toward the school.

  WOW! That was close! Thank goodness I didn’t . . .

  AH! AH! AH-CHOOO!

  6. A TRUCKLOAD OF TROUBLE

  Erin handed me a tissue for my nose! WHERE do girls get tissues from? Out of thin air?!

  Just as quickly as the officers had appeared, they all went back into the school. Phew!

  But we didn’t DARE leave our hiding place. YET!

  “EW! Whose truck is this?” Erin asked as she wrinkled her nose. “It’s full of junk!”

  I rose up onto my knees and looked around me. “Actually, I don’t have the slightest idea who owns it! Maybe a teacher left it here over the weekend for some reason? Probably car trouble.”

  But if it DID belong to a teacher, I wanted to know which one! There was some seriously WACKY stuff in that pickup truck!!

  Obviously, one of our teachers had a serious HOARDING problem and desperately needed help. . . .

  ERIN AND ME, GAWKING AT ALL THE WEIRD STUFF!

  Erin and I decided it would be safer to stay in the truck until the police officers cleared out. Then we’d make our way home.

  I hid next to a broken toilet while Erin kept watch from behind a dusty Christmas tree.

  “Now, that’s weird. There are people on top of the roof!” she said, pointing. “LOOK!”

  I stared at the top of the building. “Maybe the cops are searching up there or something. But they’d better be careful! The roof is being repaired, and I accidentally fell down that construction chute right into the Dumpster,” I said. “I don’t see anyone up there now.”

  “Well, there were three people up there a second ago. I wonder where they went,” Erin said, craning her neck. “OMG! What if they fell through the chute and into the Dumpster too?!”

  “They’ll probably SMELL as BAD as I do!” I said, chuckling at my own witty joke.

  Suddenly we heard a loud commotion. At first we thought it was a police officer having a meltdown. . . .

  “WHAT WAS I THINKING?! WHO BREAKS INTO A MIDDLE SCHOOL?! THOSE KIDS ARE THE WORST! I SHOULDA KNOWN TUCKER AND MOOSE WOULD BE TOTALLY WORTHLESS!!”

  WAIT! Did I just hear the names Tucker and Moose?! Those were two of the MEATHEAD criminals who broke into South Ridge Middle School and TERRORIZED me for HOURS!

  And that VOICE! I would NEVER, EVER forget it!
It was . . . RALPH!! Ringleader of the MEATHEADS!

  HOW did he get away from Tinkerbell, the giant python that was kept in the biology classroom?! HOW did he get past the cops?! And Thumper?!!

  WHAT would he do if he saw ME?!!

  But there was NO reason to freak out. We were safely hidden in the back of the truck! Right?!

  Even if Ralph had somehow gotten past the cops by escaping through the construction chute on the roof and into the Dumpster, the LAST thing he’d want would be to hang around the school. Not when the place was crawling with COPS!

  And it wasn’t like he was going to walk up to some random truck and check out the weird junk in it. Or maybe he would! He WAS a thief, after all!

  Erin and I exchanged worried glances.

  “Boss! I’m STARVING!! When are we gonna eat?!” Moose whined.

  “I’M starving too, boss! I can’t believe that pesky kid RUINED our Mighty Meat Monster pizza! If I ever see him again, he’s gonna be SORRY!” Tucker snarled.

  “SHUT UP, you CLOWNS! Are you trying to get us arrested?! Can’t you see this place is CRAWLING with cops?! Just shut your yaps and keep running!”

  When I peeked out, I couldn’t believe my eyes. . . .

  RALPH, TUCKER, AND MOOSE, RUNNING ACROSS THE PARKING LOT . . .

  . . . RIGHT TOWARD OUR HIDING PLACE!

  Okay, NOW it was time for me to FREAK OUT!

  Suddenly the doors opened and closed, and the engine started up!!

  You’re probably thinking Erin and I should have jumped out of the truck before it started moving. But it all happened so quickly, we didn’t have time to react.

  I was also worried those Neanderthals would see us through that big window in the back of the truck and try to run over us or something.

  Erin grabbed my arm, and we stared at each other in HORROR as the truck started to move!

  I could not believe our terrible luck!

  We were being KIDNAPPED in the back of the truck by three brain-dead, bumbling BURGLARS! And they didn’t even know it!

  That was just WRONG on so many LEVELS!