The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 2 Read online

  WARNING:

  This journal contains

  wacky humor,

  thrilling action,

  nail-biting suspense,

  cool raps,

  and a mind-blowing cliffhanger!

  THE MISADVENTURES OF MAX CRUMBLY

  (IMPORTANT STUFF YOU NEED TO KNOW IN THE EVENT OF MY MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE)

  1. From Hero Back to Zero

  2. A Mighty Meat Monster Mess!

  3. Dude, I Think My Locker Is Busted!

  4. Would You Like Fries with That?

  5. Don’t Call Me! I’ll Call You!

  6. A Very Dark and Twisted Tale

  7. Ralph Vents His Frustrations

  8. Why Old Dudes Should Never, Ever Wear Saggy Pants!

  9. Hanging Out in My Man Max Cave

  10. Phone-y Friends Forever?

  11. Tales from a Middle School Ninja

  12. Beware of Fuzzy Green Buns!

  13. Attack of the Cookie Muncher!

  14. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

  15. How Not to Wrestle a Thug

  16. How to Rope a Dope!

  17. How to Get Grounded Until Your Twenty-First Birthday!

  18. Have a Happy Birthday! NOT!!

  19. I Make My Great Escape!

  20. Attack of the Killer Toilet!—Part 2

  21. How My Dreams Went Right out the Window

  22. Dumpster-Diving Dude

  23. When Life Is a Dumpster!

  24. Blinded by the Light

  25. Yet Another Mortifying Misadventure of Max Crumbly

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  To Lee “Bat Boy” Mignogna

  Happy fourth birthday to a superhero-in-training ready to vanquish baby sharks and Pac-Man ghosts everywhere!

  1. FROM HERO BACK TO ZERO

  I knew middle school was going to be challenging, but I never expected to end up DEAD in the computer lab, wearing a SUPERHERO COSTUME, with four slices of PIZZA stuck to my BUTT!

  My morning actually started out pretty normal. . . .

  Hey, I’m NOT stupid! I KNEW I wasn’t superhero material! But that never stopped me from staring in the mirror and wishing . . .

  . . . that one day an average kid like me could actually make a difference. You know, do something great!

  Yeah, right! WHO was I kidding?! My situation was HOPELESS! I could never change the world. . . .

  But then I had a brilliant idea! Just maybe, I could CHANGE the MAN in the mirror! HOW? . . .

  By using my knowledge of anatomy, my awesome drawing skills . . .

  AND AN ENTIRE TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE!!

  Yeah, you’re right. I guess you could call me kind of . . . WEIRD!

  But it’s all GOOD! Most of the famous superheroes and infamous villains are ALSO a little disturbed. So I like to think of it as untapped potential.

  You’re probably sitting there wondering HOW I managed to create such a HUMONGOUS MESS (I mean the mess at my school, NOT the mess in my bathroom).

  It all started when Doug Thug Thurston shoved me into my LOCKER after school. Unfortunately, I was trapped inside there for HOURS!!

  I’m not going to lie to you! I totally FREAKED!

  But give me a break!

  I was all alone. In a dark and creepy school building. Locked INSIDE my locker.

  For possibly an ENTIRE THREE-DAY WEEKEND!

  Honestly, dude! YOU would have freaked out too!

  Anyway, after what seemed like forever, I finally managed to escape through the ventilation system.

  But as I was passing the computer lab, I accidentally stumbled upon three burglars in the process of stealing the school’s brand-new computers! It was SURREAL!

  I started thinking about how I’m such a LOSER that kids at school call me BARF because I accidentally threw up my oatmeal on Thug’s shoe in PE class.

  Sorry, but if you had seen those pus-filled ZITS on his face up close, you would have thrown up too!

  Anyway, I FINALLY had the chance to completely CHANGE my pathetic life. HOW?!

  By stopping the burglars and saving the school’s computers while at the same time impressing Erin, president of the computer club!

  But don’t get it TWISTED! It’s not like I’m crushing on her or something! I BARELY know the girl!!

  And then, B O O M ! !

  My rep would BLOW UP, and I’d instantly go from ZERO to HERO!

  SWEET!!

  This, my friends, is the very STRANGE but TRUE tale of how I fought EVIL and INJUSTICE in the DANK, DARK, DANGEROUS halls of South Ridge Middle School.

  I’ve documented every detail in my journal, The Misadventures of Max Crumbly, which I keep with me wherever I go. So let’s pick up right where I left off in my last entry. . . .

  I had just outsmarted those bungling burglars and was BLASTING through my school like a rocket to go exchange intel by cell phone with my trusty sidekick, Erin! . . .

  ME, AS MIGHTY MAX, BLASTING THROUGH THE SCHOOL!!

  ERIN, MY SUPERHERO BFF!

  Okay, I’ll admit I may have exaggerated a little. This is what REALLY happened. . . .

  It was the . . .

  WORST.

  DAY.

  EVER!!

  2. A MIGHTY MEAT MONSTER MESS!

  I just sat there on top of that stupid pizza for what seemed like FOREVER.

  Those three crooks were all up in my face like bad breath, staring at me and giving me the evil eye.

  The entire FIASCO was very . . . AWKWARD!

  It actually inspired me to create a RAP. . . .

  A MIGHTY MEAT MONSTER MESS (A RAP WRITTEN BY COOL MAX C.)

  I was rolling through the vents

  one night at school.

  On a tricked-out skateboard

  that was super COOL!

  I was zooming fast.

  The ride was tight.

  But I think I turned left,

  when I should have gone right.

  I tried to STOP,

  because the DANGER was real!

  I went FLYING through the AIR,

  like I was Shaq O’Neal.

  Crash-landing on that pizza

  was BRUTAL, I swear!

  That Mighty Meat Monster

  SPLATTERED everywhere!

  Pepperoni, anchovies,

  and mushrooms are fine!

  But not STUCK in a place

  where the sun DON’T shine!

  Greasy Queasy Cheesy.

  Imagine my frustration,

  trying to get outta

  this MESSY situation!

  My body was bruised.

  My face was smashed.

  My ego was crushed.

  My skateboard was trashed.

  What started out

  an exciting THRILL,

  ended with three CROOKS

  ALL UP in my GRILL!

  Okay, I’ll say . . .

  “You mad? So sad!”

  “I’m really sorry, bro!”

  “Hey, dude, MY BAD!”

  So I’m sitting here

  about to LOSE my MIND!

  Pizza so HOT, I got a

  RASH on my BEHIND!

  Don’t call me BARF.

  Don’t call me a ZERO.

  You see, I TRIED to be

  a SUPERHERO!

  I might SCREW UP.

  I might fall FLAT.

  But Max C.’s NOT going

  DOWN like THAT!!

  If this scene were in one of my favorite comic books, it would be written like this:

  When we last left our hapless hero, he was sitting on a Mighty Meat Monster pizza, completely surrounded by three RUTHLESS criminals about to plot
his very long and painful DEATH!

  Will Max be SHREDDED to bits like mozzarella cheese on the hard and crunchy PIZZA CRUST OF DOOM?

  Will those hungry burglars still EAT the PIZZA Max is sitting on?

  Even though it’s as germy as week-old underwear and tastes like butt-sweat, body odor, and fear?!

  And, most important, will brilliant computer whiz ERIN help Max get out of this MESSY situation ALIVE by hacking into the school building’s automated systems?!

  Or will her computer CRASH, trapping her for an eternity behind the BLEAK yet BRUTAL blue screen of DEATH?! . . .

  ERIN, TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!

  Stay tuned for the riveting answers to these exciting questions and more!

  I know! You DON’T have to remind me.

  I totally SCREWED UP! AGAIN!

  This superhero stuff is a lot more difficult and dangerous than I thought it would be.

  That’s why I need to warn you! This story is going to end with my EXCRUCIATING DEATH or another mind-blowing CLIFFHANGER, just like a real comic book! Sorry, folks, but that’s the way it is.

  So if this is going to make you have a meltdown, please stop reading. NOW!

  For those of you who are DYING to know what happens next, buckle up and get ready for a thrilling roller-coaster ride!

  But BEFORE I get back to my story, I need to tell you some important things that I’ve learned so YOU won’t make the same mistakes that I did.

  Hey, if I can prevent what happened to ME from happening to YOU or another kid, then the heat rash I got on my butt from sitting on that hot pizza was totally worth it!

  3. DUDE, I THINK MY LOCKER IS BUSTED!

  Grown-ups are always lecturing us kids to ENJOY our childhood because it’s the BEST time of our lives.

  Sorry! But if THIS is supposed to be the good part, then my future is going to be just one GIANT bucket of . . .

  PUKE!!

  I’m the most PATHETIC superhero EVER! But it’s mostly because I didn’t carefully think things through and make a brilliant PLAN.

  RULE #1: A SUPERHERO MUST ALWAYS BE PREPARED.

  I wouldn’t be in this situation if I hadn’t gotten trapped inside my stupid locker to begin with.

  Regardless of my superpowers, I should have had a plan for how to ESCAPE from my locker. If I had to do it all over again, I would . . .

  Courageously blast through my locker with the sheer power and speed of a lightning bolt as . . .

  MIGHTY MAX!!

  Eerily ascend from the mysterious underworld, shrouded in billows of ghostly fog, and telepathically open the locker door as . . .

  MAX, MASTER OF THE UNDEAD!

  Violently smash my way out of my locker in a seething and uncontrollable fit of rage as . . .

  MAD MAX THE DESTROYER!

  Pulverize my locker with earsplitting sonic blasts from my wicked guitar solo performed for a group of crazed and hysterical fans as . . .

  MAX MUSIX, HEAVY METAL ROCKER!

  Completely annihilate my locker after transforming into a colossal, technologically advanced half-robot beast as . . .

  MEGAMAX MAXIMUS!

  All these superheroes and their powers are pretty SICK, right?!

  And YES! I actually created and drew them all MYSELF.

  Now, the next time YOU end up locked inside your locker, please don’t make the same mistake that I did.

  And for those of you who haven’t quite yet developed an AWESOME superpower that will completely DESTROY a locker, don’t worry.

  I have LIFESAVING advice for you, too.

  Just keep your cell phone handy.

  AT.

  ALL.

  TIMES!!

  Then simply call or text a friend to come and RESCUE your embarrassed behind!

  Works like a charm.

  NO JOKE!!

  4. WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?

  I know this is probably going to sound like your guidance counselor at school, but carefully selecting a career is really important, especially for a superhero.

  RULE #2: A SUPERHERO SHOULD ALWAYS MAINTAIN A PART-TIME JOB.

  WHY? So you can hide out and pretend to be a normal person (on the days VILLAINS aren’t trying to SLAY you) while earning extra cash to pay your cell phone bill and other stuff. Don’t believe me? How about some facts:

  Spider-Man is a newspaper photographer, Superman is an investigative reporter, Thor is a doctor, the Hulk is a scientist, Iron Man is an inventor, and Wonder Woman is a nurse.

  A job is ALSO needed because making the difficult transition from a normal person to a superhero takes a longer time for some than others, and you could STARVE to DEATH during the process. . . .

  HOW I ACCIDENTALLY SCREWED UP MY CHANCE TO BECOME SPIDER-MAN!!

  And once you FINALLY land your new job, there are two very important WORKPLACE TIPS that will be vital to your success:

  1. WORKPLACE HYGIENE: After a long night of battling evil villains in an assortment of smelly places, like sewage tanks, fish markets, city dumps, and pig farms, you are probably going to work up a serious sweat. Always remember that superhuman BODY ODOR is so pungent that it can MELT the BOOGERS of any breathing man, woman, or child within one hundred feet. So PLEASE shower regularly!

  2. WORKPLACE LUNCH ETIQUETTE: Even though you have the superhuman strength to open a can of pork-’n’-beans with your teeth, gulp it down in a single swallow, and then fart enough GAS to fuel a rocket launch to the planet Jupiter and back, PLEASE be considerate of others at your table during lunchtime!

  Anyway, I plan to make millions of dollars as a rap artist, race car driver, or pro video gamer. But if none of these very lucrative careers works out, I plan to just get a job nearby . . .

  . . . FLIPPING BURGERS!

  I’m SERIOUS! My superpowers would totally rock in a job like this. . . .

  MIGHTY MAX, SUPERPOWERED BURGER FLIPPER!!

  Although, I have to admit, things could get a little AWKWARD, with me being a superhero and all. . . .

  ME, TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO PUNCH ANNOYING CUSTOMERS!

  However, the scariest part about working at a burger place when you’re a superhero is that you can lose your temper and actually KILL someone!

  If/when this happens, your BOSS will probably take one or more of the following actions:

  1. Take you off the drive-through window (which will be DEVASTATING because it means you will no longer be able to practice your raps OR do your Justin Bieber impersonation using that professional-looking microphone).

  2. Demote you from the position of HEAD FRYER to ASSISTANT BATHROOM MOPPER.

  3. Make you serve all the really old people who keep ordering things like denture cream, adult diapers, and a refill of their high blood pressure medicine because for some reason they think they’re at their neighborhood PHARMACY, not a fast-food restaurant.

  4. Make you clean up after all the “Happy Me!” kiddie birthday parties, which always include gallons of fluorescent-orange-colored PUKE from kids who binge drink the nasty “Happy Me!” fruit punch and ride the “Happy Me!” merry-go-round nonstop, then PROJECTILE VOMIT all over each other!

  5. Call the police, press charges for murder, and demand the DEATH penalty.

  The only DOWNSIDE about my new job is that once word gets around, Thug evil VILLAINS might show up and start HARASSING me.

  You know, like BURPING really loud into the drive-through speaker after I say, “Welcome to Crazy Burger, may I take your order, please?!”

  Or trying to FREAK me out by tossing BOOGERS or WORMS at me when I open the drive-through window.

  And the worms could actually crawl into the fries!

  Then WHAT am I supposed to do?!! Just shrug and ask the customer . . .

  “WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WORMS WITH THOSE FRIES?”

  Sorry, but THAT would just be WRONG on so many levels!

  5. DON’T CALL ME! I’LL CALL YOU!

  I have to admit, just sitting there on top of that pizza with three
ruthless thugs eyeballing me all evil-like was NOT helping my superhero image!

  “We’ve been chasing this little snitch all over the school for HOURS! Then he just falls out of thin air and lands right on top of our PIZZA?!!” snarled Ralph, a short and dumpy guy with a toupee so dirty and matted it looked like his cat had dragged it behind the couch, crawled on top of it, and given birth to kittens on it. “But what I really wanna know is what’s up with the fancy getup? Halloween’s not for another month, am I right?”

  Moose, a big, muscular guy with spiked hair and a jean jacket, stared wide-eyed at my silver cape and looked really worried. “I don’t know, boss. He don’t look like a normal kid. Maybe he’s a . . . SPACE ALIEN! I saw a TV show where this space alien made a high-pitched sound that would make human HEADS explode. He would go, SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!! And then, KA-BOOM! You’re dead! I’m not lying. That was so SCARY, I had to sleep with a night-light for an entire week!”

  “Sorry, bro! But you’re NUTTIER than a Snickers bar, and you watch WAY too much TV!” sneered Tucker, a tall, skinny guy wearing a bandanna. “Maybe he’s the tooth fairy. Or a wannabe superhero, like, I don’t know . . . SUPER PIZZA BOY! I bet he’s here to save innocent PIZZAS from being viciously EATEN by people around the world!”

  Then the three men doubled over in laughter. I couldn’t help but feel like a big, fat . . . JOKE wearing Erin’s ice princess costume superhero outfit that I was forced to change into after my regular clothes were ruined in an unfortunate accident.

  Finally Ralph leaned in so close to my face I could see his nose hairs. “You were Mr. Tough Guy when you were hiding up in those vents. But now it looks like you want your mommy! What happened . . . PIZZA BOY?!” he snarled.

  I balled my fists and just glared at him. I wanted to yell at them and even throw a few punches. But I had a really bad feeling those criminals were probably NOT going to be very intimidated by a guy sitting on a pizza in a silver cape.