Hands Free Life Read online

  Along with my hands, my eyes and heart were opened, allowing me to identify the greatest distractions of the modern age — distractions that cause people like you and me to lose track of life to the point that it seems irretrievable. Perhaps that is where you are right now, wondering if it’s even possible to reclaim your life from the demands of a distracted culture and an overwhelmed life. I can assure you — it’s not too late. In fact, this very moment is a beginning. The same two hands that hold the pages of this book are the very hands that can put living and loving back on the priority list.

  THE POWER OF OPEN HANDS, EYES, AND HEART

  By now, most of us are aware of the cost of everyday distractions. The blatant diversions of a tech-saturated, overscheduled, maxed-out world interrupt our conversations, steal our focus, and undermine our ability to be present in the moment. Using mindful strategies we can curb these obvious distractions and create a healthy balance between tech and life. But that is only half the battle. To be completely free to focus on what truly enriches our lives, we must learn to recognize the larger, all-encompassing distractions that divert our attention from our greatest goal: to live and love fully. The distractions that get in our way take many forms, but perhaps you’ll relate to one of these:

  Sacrificing everything to climb the corporate ladder

  Striving to achieve the illusion of a perfect home and perfect life

  Pushing loved ones to excel in certain areas despite their lack of interest, talent, or ability

  Serving on endless committees to prove your worth

  Engaging in people pleasing to gain acceptance

  Seeking external validation for superficial reasons and from questionable sources

  Making important life decisions based on what other people think or do

  Going to dangerous extremes to maintain a certain appearance or status level

  Attempting to control the uncontrollable

  Acquiring the latest and greatest material possessions in order to impress

  Replaying past mistakes and not allowing yourself to move forward

  When we become consumed by these corrosive yet virtually unseen distractions, we stop asking questions. We fail to assess if we are on the right path toward our life’s purpose. We become complacent and accept that this is just the way it is despite the emptiness and stress that keep us awake at night. Before we know it, we lose track of what matters most in life, only to later realize we’ve accomplished much but lived little.

  We all yearn to look back on our lives to find we lived a life of significance. But is it even possible anymore? We live in a culture where grand achievements and small waistlines are complimented on a daily basis . . . where busyness is a badge of honor and excess is the norm . . . where electronic messages have replaced face-to-face contact . . . where day-to-day responsibilities overwhelm and downtime is extinct. Considering the degree of distraction and amount of pressure that exists in the world today, keeping track of life may seem impossible.

  But I am here to tell you it is not.

  You have the power to make meaningful, lasting human connection despite the busyness of everyday life.

  You have the power to live in the now despite that inner nudge pushing you out of the moment toward perfection and productivity.

  You have the power to protect your most sacred relationships, as well as your values, beliefs, health, and happiness, despite the latent dangers of technology and social media.

  You have the power to pursue the passions of your heart without sacrificing your job or your daily responsibilities.

  You have the power to evaluate your daily choices to ensure you are investing in a life that matters to you.

  Whether you are just starting your journey toward a life that really matters or have been at it awhile, my hope is that this book will help you to create life-altering habits that enable you to invest in what is most significant. As your hands, heart, and eyes become open, you will find yourself thinking differently about life. With a Hands Free Life perspective, you have the power to keep track of life so that one day you will look back and see you didn’t just manage life — you actually lived it and lived it well.

  HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

  Through my ongoing journey to let go of distraction, perfection, and societal pressures to grasp what really matters, I have discovered nine intentional habits of a Hands Free Life. These life-changing practices make up the nine chapters of this book and fall into three parts: Creating Lasting Connections, Living for Today, and Protecting What Matters.

  Drawing on insights and discoveries from my personal journey, each chapter explores one habit of a Hands Free Life. Sprinkled throughout each chapter are affirmations called Hands Free Life Daily Declarations. These uplifting statements are designed to inspire mindful daily practices and new thought processes to help you establish and maintain your own Hands Free Life.

  Each chapter concludes with a powerful perspective shift I experienced on my journey called a Hands Free Life Habit Builder. These poetic reflections are intended to be something like a manifesto, a hymn, a prayer, or a meditation you can use to reinforce that particular Hands Free habit in your own life. Although much of my writing inspiration comes from my children, the discoveries in the Hands Free Life Habit Builders and Daily Declarations can be applied to all areas of life — parenting, marriage, friendship, work, family caregiving, and personal well-being.

  KEEPING TRACK OF LIFE STARTS NOW

  On the night of Avery’s illness, she finally stopped talking and succumbed to sleep. I, on the other hand, lay wide awake, feeling grateful for the small hand that clung lovingly to mine despite my past mistakes and daily failings.

  In that loving gesture, the most promising aspect of keeping track of life presented itself. Keeping track of life is not a contest; it is not a competition. There are no tally marks; there is no grading system; there are no awards. Keeping track of life doesn’t work like that.

  By the grace of God, any act of love and any offering of genuine presence — no matter how small or imperfect — counts. And what’s more is that you can start keeping track of life anytime, anywhere, at any age — despite what happened yesterday.

  In fact, you can start right now.

  Push away doubts — especially the one questioning if life’s too far gone to ever be retrieved.

  Silence the inner critic — the one who says you are too flawed, too distracted, too damaged to ever be worthy of a fulfilling life.

  Dismiss the drill sergeant, the perfectionist, the control freak, and the frantic rusher — those whose relentless demands sabotage any chance of meaningful connection in the blur of a frenzied day.

  Life is meant to be lived

  not managed,

  not controlled,

  not screamed,

  not stressed,

  not hurried,

  not guilt-ridden,

  not regretted,

  not scripted,

  not consumed by distractions, big or small, obvious or subtle.

  It’s time you lay your head on your pillow at night knowing you achieved something of significance — not in terms of societal standards, but in terms of the light in your child’s eyes, the curve of your spouse’s lips, and the beat of your very own heart.

  So open your hands and spread them like a bird taking flight. With a Hands Free view, you have the power to rise above the distractions of the world and see a clear path to what matters most.

  KEEPING TRACK OF LIFE MANIFESTO

  Not the digits on the scale

  Not the numbers in my salary

  Not the speed at which I respond to a text message.

  Not the square footage of my home

  Not the circumference of my waist

  Not the number of tasks I accomplish in a day.

  Not the markings on my social calendar

  Not the collection of awards on my wall

  Not the volume of extracurricular duties I juggle all at once.
r />   Instead

  I’m keeping track of life.

  I’m making the moments count . . .

  In the kisses

  In the hugs

  In the words of my loved ones that ease my cluttered mind.

  I’m finding joy in the now . . .

  In the blessings

  In the do-nothing moments

  In the sacred pauses of life that heal my frenzied soul.

  I’m keeping track of life

  By cupping it in my two free hands

  Because I don’t want to miss a childhood

  a marriage

  a friendship

  or the moments that make life worth living.

  I’m keeping track of life

  Because now I see what’s important cannot be measured, purchased, or checked off a list

  It must be felt through the open hands and heart of an awakened soul.

  PART ONE:

  Creating Lasting Connections

  Habit 1:

  FILL THE SPACES

  And the only thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough. Nothing else really counts at all.

  Ted Hughes

  PERHAPS WHEN COMPLETING MEDICAL documents or school registration forms, you’ve come to three very important lines labeled Emergency Contacts. These blank spaces cause you to go to dark places you don’t often go and ask questions you seldom want to consider. Who could you call at 3:00 a.m.? Who could decipher your inaudible sobs? Who could you trust with your most precious gifts?

  My pen always hangs suspended over those lines. No matter how much of a hurry I am in to submit that form to waiting hands, I am always forced to pause. Those empty lines are sacred spaces and cannot be taken lightly. I didn’t always have this perspective, though. It wasn’t until recently, when I was pulled aside by a woman at a party, that I saw the significance of the Emergency Contacts spaces as they related to a Hands Free Life.

  “Are you Rachel Stafford?” a woman with a familiar face asked me over the low roar of party conversation and festive music. When I nodded, she said, “You are the emergency contact for half my preschool class.”

  It wasn’t meant as a compliment, but as the words rolled off her tongue, I felt like she’d placed a crown on my head. I felt the magnitude of the message’s meaning in a way I hadn’t before.

  Rachel Stafford, Emergency Contact

  Although there are many esteemed titles in today’s society, I could not think of a higher honor at that moment. I know that might sound strange. After all, we work tirelessly to have prestigious labels added to our name — PhD, PTO President, VP of Finance, Bestselling Author, Employee of the Month, and so on. But I wasn’t considering the woman’s comment from a mainstream point of view; I was looking at it from a Hands Free Life perspective.

  And that makes all the difference.

  You see, the inherent responsibilities required to inhabit the sacred space on an Emergency Contacts line — connection, trust, time, and availability — are also essential for building close relationships, which is one of the key features of a Hands Free Life. It was through Avery’s desire to learn to play the ukulele at a young age that I learned both the importance and the ease of filling the sacred spaces of our days with meaningful interpersonal connection.

  Not quite four years old, Avery needed my assistance whenever she practiced the new ukulele chords her instructor Mr. Andrew taught her. I clearly remember sitting beside her on our golden-yellow sofa as the late afternoon sun poured onto my lap. Being forced to focus on one thing and one thing only caused my left leg to jiggle nervously. With clenched teeth and frazzled hair, I watched in angst as my child stumbled through “Kookaburra,” the first song she ever learned.

  As small, uncoordinated fingers struggled to find their home, I’d eventually have to cover her fingers with my own in order for her to make a clear sound. Despite the Grand Canyon – sized lulls between each strum, I could not fold towels (I tried) or write grocery lists (I considered it) during practice sessions. For Avery to create any musical sound whatsoever, I had to be in the moment.

  For a woman whose life was based on efficiency, productivity, checklists, and tangible results, ukulele practice was a form of slow, grueling torture. But although ukulele practice cramped my multitasking style, I did it because my daughter loved that tiny wooden instrument. And when she sang, her God-given purpose filled the room and I felt an unexplained peace within my soul.

  So we kept practicing — Avery on her C chord and G chord and me on sitting still and not multitasking the moment away. We both made considerable progress relatively quickly. By the time Avery moved on to her first Taylor Swift song, the urge to get something accomplished while she practiced was completely gone. Perhaps what was even more monumental was that my mind was at rest too. I stopped thinking about a million other things and allowed myself to simply be all there. Avery began announcing, “Time to practice!” more and more. As much as she loved singing and strumming, she knew this was our time — and that was significant.

  During one of our connective practice sessions, I noticed the spaces between her teeth — specifically the baby teeth gaps that are only there for a short time. Her big sister’s were already gone. As Avery strummed and sang with an openmouthed smile, I blinked back tears of joy because, for the first time, I could see my child clearly. Every exquisite detail of my child that had slipped by me unnoticed before was now magnified through my new Hands Free lens. Filling small increments of time with loving presence had not only drawn my child and me closer, but my outlook on life was being transformed. As my priorities began to shift, I felt great hope that I could reclaim my life despite my previously distracted existence.

  If ten minutes of daily ukulele practice could strengthen the bond between my child and me, what could happen in the ten minutes that my children spoon breakfast cereal into their mouths at the kitchen table? What could I learn about them in that three-minute wait for the bus? What could develop in the four minutes that it takes for my husband to remove his tie and dress shoes as he begins to unwind for the day? What memories could I glean from my dad’s still razor-sharp mind in those forty-five minutes he sits on my back porch when he comes to visit?

  Suddenly those little pockets of time that were so easily devoured in the name of productivity were viewed as opportunities to focus my undivided attention on what really mattered. Making it a daily practice to be fully present while in the company of loved ones meant the difference between intimately knowing and superficially knowing the people I love. It meant the difference between living each day catching glimpses of joy or just barely surviving each day without even a smile.

  Filling the spaces, the first intentional habit of a Hands Free Life, doesn’t require large amounts of time, elaborate gestures, mastering new skills, or extensive planning; it does require you to show up — heart, mind, body, and soul — when in the company of those you love. In this chapter, we’ll explore three ways you can fill the spaces of everyday life with loving intention. It is my hope that you discover, as I have, that regardless of your occupation, past history, or current life challenges, creating deep and lasting connection is possible.

  Whether we are talking about the Emergency Contacts lines of an official document or drawing closer to another human being, the critical element needed to fill the sacred spaces is the willingness to be all there. Being someone who shows up consistently in everyday life or one who shows up in a time of need are both traits of a life well lived. After all, it’s not the prestigious title behind our name or type of car parked in front of our house that gives meaning to our lives — it’s knowing we didn’t miss the gaps in the teeth or the lyrics of our life.

  FILL THE SPACES WITH THE SONGS OF LIFE

  For a culture that prides itself on immediate results and instant gratification, it may seem strange that we are also experts at putting off living — the best parts of living. “When
I drop a pant size . . .,” “When things at work slow down . . .,” “When schedule isn’t so crazy . . .,” “When I get that promotion . . .” are just a few of the twenty-first-century ambitions that keep us from taking a break, having fun, and connecting with the ones we love. But this type of procrastination comes at a great cost: the opportunities of today are lost in that delay of truly living.

  Although we’ve been led to believe that our fondest memories are made in the grand occasions of life, in reality, they happen when we pause in the ordinary, mundane moments of a busy day. The most meaningful life experiences don’t happen in the “when,” they happen in the “now.” This concept is not earth shattering, nor is it something you don’t already know. Yet we still continually put off the best aspects of living until the conditions are right. But what happens when we continually put productivity above investing in relationships?

  One day I decided to find out.

  As a personal research project to fuel my writing, I spent a few hours compiling every email message I’d ever received from individuals who wished they could turn back time. I simply typed the word regret in my subject search and with that, I hit the mother lode. I read the messages one by one — real stories of real people with wishes that could never come true.

  I wish I hadn’t spent so much time working.

  I wish I’d spent more time getting to know my kids.

  I wish I’d developed a relationship with my sister when I had the chance.

  I wish I would have forgiven my mom a lot sooner.

  I wish I would’ve said, “I’m sorry” once in a while.

  I wish I would’ve said, “I love you” every chance I had.

  Although we are inundated with the advice to “cherish every moment” to the point that it sounds meaningless, something powerful happens when you read the regrets of real people with real names and real pain. Their heartbreaking truths wake you up.