Outrageously Alice Read online

  I don’t know how Patrick could even stand to kiss me later. I was a zip, a zero, a zed, a zilch. If someone were to take my pulse, I’ll bet I wouldn’t have one.

  I marched straight upstairs to Lester’s room, where he was working on his senior philosophy paper, and burst through the door. “I need a life!” I bellowed.

  Lester jumped a foot. “Good grief, Al! Knock first! You want to see cardiac arrest?”

  “Lester,” I wailed. “I have no body, no personality, no hobbies! I’ve got to join something quick. What should it be?”

  “The army,” said Lester. “Now scram.”

  I went downstairs to talk to Dad, but he’d gone out for the evening, so I lay on my stomach on the sofa, turning the pages of our school newspaper there on the floor, looking at photos of girls who had bodies and lives—cheerleaders, basketball players, singers, skaters …

  On the last page, along with the ads for Hamburger Hamlet, Pizza Hut, Putt-Putt Golf, and Cineplex Theaters, was a boxed announcement:

  JOIN THE CROWD! JOIN THE FUN!

  Students: It’s still not too late to join a club. Get the most

  out of your junior high experience. Don’t let another

  week slip by without signing up for something extra.

  These clubs need new members:

  Debate Team

  French Club

  Camera Club

  Girls’ Soccer

  Science Club

  Explorers’ Club

  I checked numbers three and six, tore out the ad, and stuck it in my notebook.

  2

  GETTING A LIFE

  I RESOLVED WHEN I GOT UP THE NEXT morning that by the time I came home again, I’d have a life. As soon as I got to school, I stopped by the office and signed up for both the Camera Club and the Explorers’ Club. It wasn’t as though I were signing away all my worldly goods, I told myself. I could leave anytime.

  “You did what?” Elizabeth asked me in Mr. Everett’s health class.

  “I just wanted to try something different,” I said.

  “I’ll bet they’re full of dorks,” Pamela commented. She was wearing a red sweater with a Wonderbra beneath. Must have been, because her breasts were rounder and higher than usual. Pamela not only has breasts, she flaunts them. “I looked over that sign-up sheet,” she went on, as Mr. Everett walked into the room and took attendance, “and you know what the motto of the Explorers’ Club is? ‘The world is our province.’ Oh, brother!”

  I thought about that a minute. Mr. Everett tapped for attention, but I whispered, “I think it just means that almost everywhere is interesting—that we’re not limited. Whatever, I want to see what it’s like.”

  “We’re all doing different things this year!” Elizabeth complained. “Not a single one of us has signed up for the same activity.”

  “Miss Price, if you please!” said Mr. Everett.

  Elizabeth blushed and faced forward, and Mr. Everett began the class.

  I was surprised, frankly, that that could even happen. Elizabeth’s usually on the edge of her seat waiting for Mr. Everett to enter the room. She’s had a crush on him since the first day of school. Our health teacher is six foot five and looks like Brad Pitts’s kid brother. Brad Pitt’s son! Elizabeth told us once that she loves him so much, it hurts. Hurts, I suppose, because she can’t have him. I can understand that. I’ve felt that way about Mom. Which is why I want so much for Dad to marry Miss Summers. But Lester says that’s not reason enough for people to marry, and I suppose he’s right.

  It turned out that the Camera Club met every two weeks, and wouldn’t be meeting again until Tuesday of the week after next, but the Explorers’ Club was that same day after school. So I told Elizabeth and Pamela to go home without me and I’d catch a city bus later.

  I should have known, I guess, when I discovered that the Explorers’ Club met in my old world studies classroom, that it was going to be a glorified geography lesson. That there were only six kids there should have been Clue Number Two. The faculty sponsor sat at the back of the room grading papers, as though she couldn’t care less.

  As soon as I’d been introduced, the guy in charge said that when they’d met last time, they’d decided that this week each would tell the most interesting place they’d ever visited and any problems they’d encountered. That was when I should have slipped out. Because the farthest west I’ve ever been is Chicago, and the farthest east is Ocean City, and after listening to the other kids tell about a trip to India with an aunt, or Antarctica with their dad, all I had to report was a visit to Aunt Sally on Amtrak.

  “Well,” somebody said charitably, “what was the most interesting thing that happened on that trip, then?”

  I was about to tell them how a man had made a pass at Pamela, but then I realized that was her story to tell, not mine. Here I was again, living my life through other people. So instead of telling them about that trip, I told them about the very first time I’d gone to Chicago on the train, and when I’d tried to get up in the middle of the night to use the john, the bed came down on my head.

  There was silence so long and profound that when someone laughed at last, I knew it was only to put me out of my misery. I decided to walk home through the leaves instead of taking the bus, and realized just how disappointed I was. I’d thought we might go prowling around Washington and Maryland or something—explore the tunnels under the Lincoln Memorial, or hike along the C&O Canal. No, someone had told me, it was more like a travel club. So much for the Explorers’ Club.

  I thought about myself and where exactly I was headed. It wasn’t that I was unhappy. But the more I examined my life, the more it seemed to consist of getting up, going to school, seeing my friends, going to bed, getting up, going to school, and—on Saturdays—working half-days at the Melody Inn. That was it.

  All the things that could happen—like Dad eloping with Miss Summers and taking me on their honeymoon with them, or the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol descending on our porch, or my getting chosen most popular girl in eighth grade—nothing like that ever happened. In my thirteen years of life, in fact, when had anything happened to me that could be called remotely outrageous? Embarrassing, yes. Outrageous, no. Just once in my thirteen years, I decided, I would like something truly remarkable to happen that would make people sit up and take notice. I’m not particularly superstitious, but if it doesn’t happen in your thirteenth year, I figure it’s not going to happen at all. Well, there was still the Camera Club to look forward to.

  Dad and Lester were already eating dinner when I came in.

  “Where were you?” asked Dad. “I was beginning to worry.”

  I placed my books on the counter and took off my jacket. “The world,” I said, “is my province.”

  Lester rolled his eyes. “God save the queen,” he said.

  That evening I got a call from Crystal Harkins. Lester answered the phone, and it was strange to hear him say, “Al, for you. It’s Crystal.”

  If he was pining away for his old girlfriend, he never let on.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “Hi, Alice. I just wondered if I could drive over some evening and show you the bridesmaid dress I’ve picked. My aunt has already started sewing some of them.”

  “Sure! Come tonight if you want!” I said. It wasn’t outrageous or remarkable, but it was better than another evening of homework and TV.

  Lester’s ears picked up like a dog’s when he heard her car drive up later, and he managed to get up to his room before she rang the bell.

  Crystal looked sparkly and slimmer than when I’d seen her last. I noticed she glanced around, probably looking for Lester, but she didn’t mention him, so neither did I. She dropped her coat on a chair and sat down beside me on the couch. Her perfume was absolutely wonderful.

  “Here’s the dress I like, and I hope you do too,” she said. “I tried to pick one you could wear again; if you go to the eighth-grade dance, maybe you could wear it then.”

/>   She turned to a page in a magazine that showed a bride attended by her bridesmaids, and the bridesmaids were all wearing jade green dresses, barebacked, with a full filmy net layer for the skirt, slit down the middle, revealing a tighter skirt of jade green satin beneath. The dress was gorgeous on the models, but I wasn’t sure how it would look on me.

  “It’s beautiful, Crystal,” I said. “But how …” I frowned at the picture.

  “Problems?”

  “The bridesmaids … the ones who have breasts, I mean … how do they wear a bra?”

  “Well, Alice, you can get paste-on cups that you stick on under your breasts, and they hold them up.”

  I stared. “You mean, like a Band-Aid?”

  “Something like that. Or you can buy a bra that fastens around the waist and there’s a sort of wire framework that sticks up in front to hold the breasts in place.”

  “Like a chastity belt?” I asked. I don’t know why, I just blurted it out.

  Crystal put down the bride’s magazine and stared at me. “Of course not. Where did you hear about that?”

  “Forget it,” I said. “Anyway, Crystal, it’s gorgeous. Of course I’ll wear the dress. I love it.”

  “Wonderful,” she said. “Since my aunt’s making them, you’ll only have to pay fifty dollars for the material. You’ll need shoes dyed to match, of course. But I’ll let you know about those next week. I’ve brought a tape measure; we need to get your sizes, okay?”

  She measured me there in the living room and after she left, I was still staring after her. Dad came out of the kitchen.

  “Dad!” I cried in dismay. “Did you know we have to pay for the dress and shoes? I thought the bride paid for everything!”

  “Guess we’ve got a lot to learn about weddings, don’t we? Your mother would have known.…”

  “But what am I going to do? I don’t have fifty dollars. I’m lucky to have fifty cents.”

  “I think we can probably handle that. If it’s a dress you can wear later to high school dances, maybe it’s not too bad. Of course, you can’t grow at all between now and your senior year, you understand.” We laughed.

  Crystal had made a copy of that page in the magazine and left it with me, so I called Elizabeth to come over and see the dress. She was only too glad to get out of the house.

  “Nathan’s howling up in his crib, and the whole place smells like diapers. It’s depressing,” she said. “You know, Alice, we don’t really have to have children when we’re grown. I mean, women can live full and complete lives even if they don’t have babies, can’t they?”

  “I suppose,” I said. “There’s so much out there we don’t know anything about, Elizabeth.”

  I guess she was already feeling shaky, and that remark didn’t help. “Like what?” she asked warily.

  “Paste-on bra cups, for one.”

  “What?”

  “You glue them to the underside of your breasts to keep them upright if you want to wear a backless dress.”

  “How do you get them off?”

  “Pull, I guess.”

  “Oh, that’s so gross!”

  “And then, of course, there’s a chastity belt.…”

  “What?” she cried.

  “It’s made of metal, and your husband locks it on you with a key when he goes on a trip to make sure you’re faithful.” I don’t know why I do that to Elizabeth.

  “What?” she screeched.

  “Never mind,” I said. “I’ll explain it to you sometime when you’re feeling strong. But remember, we don’t have to get married, either.”

  3

  JUNGLE FEVER

  ON THE NIGHT OF THE SHOWER FOR CRYSTAL, Aunt Sally called to make sure I wore a dress, which is why I ripped one pair of panty hose, put another pair on three times before I got them right, ironed a rayon dress that was handed down from my cousin Carol, and wore a string of pearls (fake, of course) that used to be my mom’s, because Aunt Sally said you could never go wrong with pearls. Then, at a quarter of seven, Lester drove me to Betsy Hall’s.

  “Les,” I asked as I sat with my legs crossed, hands over the purse in my lap, “how do you really feel about Crystal getting married?”

  “Well, I think it was pretty sudden, and I just hope she knows what she’s doing,” he said. “I mean, one minute she was dating me, and the next she’s marrying Peter.”

  “One minute?” I said. “Lester, sometimes two or three months went by and you’d hardly even call her.”

  “Hey, she can dial my number as easily as I can dial hers,” he said.

  “She did! A lot! But you were usually out with Marilyn.”

  He shrugged. “Well, that’s the way the ball bounces.”

  I was feeling pretty grown-up and excited as I went up the steps and rang the bell. As soon as I walked inside, though, I knew I’d dressed all wrong, because every woman there was in jeans. They were good jeans, of course, designer jeans, with a nice shirt or sweater, but I looked as out of place in my rayon dress and pearls as a cream puff on a plate of bagels. Not only that, but I was definitely the youngest person present, and they all looked at me in surprise. All but Crystal.

  “Alice!” she said. “I’m so glad you could come.”

  “This is Alice McKinley,” Betsy told the others. “She’s paired with Peter’s younger brother in the wedding party.”

  Just a kid, in other words. I wished she hadn’t felt she had to explain me, but the women all seemed friendly. I took a chair beside the couch and tried to scoot it back as far as I could, to be invisible.

  Everyone was drinking coffee, but Betsy got a Coke for me. I was watching a pretty woman with a clipboard on her lap and a large sample case beside her chair that read FANTASY CREATIONS.

  “Welcome, everybody!” she said. “I’m Joan, and the only rule tonight is to remember that you’re here to have fun. I am going to help you make your wildest fantasies come true.”

  Everybody laughed.

  “Not mine!” said someone, and we laughed some more.

  “Okay, some of your fantasies, anyway,” Joan said. “First, I want to thank Betsy for throwing this party and including my company, Fantasy Creations, and I know you all will join me in giving Crystal our best wishes for her marriage.”

  Everybody clapped and smiled.

  “As you probably know, this is a different kind of shower, in which Crystal will select, and hopefully model, the lingerie of her choice.”

  “Now wait a minute!” cried Crystal.

  More laughter and hooting.

  “Here’s the way we’ll do it,” said Joan. “After Crystal has selected the items she’d most like to receive, we’ll pass the list around and you can sign up for the one you’d like to give her as your shower gift. That way you can be sure of giving the bride-to-be something you know she really wants. And remember, if you order something additional for yourself, you will get it at twenty-five percent off.”

  Betsy poured more coffee and brought out a plate of cookies.

  “But now for the fun part,” said Joan. She began passing around sheets of paper and tiny sharpened pencils. “A little quiz, ladies, and remember there aren’t any right or wrong answers. Just answer honestly, and you don’t have to read your answers aloud. Circle your scores as you go.”

  As soon as people looked at the sheets they started laughing, and I couldn’t wait to see what was so funny. When Joan handed one to me, I read, Test Your Sensuality.

  All over the room I could hear murmurs and giggles. I looked at the questions:

  1. Have you ever worn a flower in your hair?

  10 points

  2. Are you wearing matching bra and panties?

  10 points

  3. Have you ever had a sensual experience while swimming?

  15 points

  I think the others were going a lot faster than I was, because there began to be loud whoops and shrieks. I was still trying to think what a sensual experience while swimming would be—certainly not the
time the guys tried to toss me in the pool. So far I hadn’t gotten any points at all. No, I thought, wait a minute. I remembered sticking a dandelion behind my ear once when I was in kindergarten, so I gave myself ten points.

  4. Have you ever mentally undressed a stranger?

  20 points

  5. Have you ever removed any lingerie during a meal?

  10 points

  “This is a riot!” said Crystal.

  “Boy, I’m glad my mother’s not here,” someone murmured, and that got a laugh. What if my mother were here? I wondered. I think I’d have liked her to come, just to see what her answers might have been. I wondered what Miss Summers’s answers would be.

  6. Have you ever taken a feather and started at the top of his nose and ended at the tip of his toes?

  25 points

  I could feel my face getting red. People actually did this stuff?

  7. Have you ever gift wrapped yourself for your favorite male?

  10 points

  I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Maybe I wouldn’t want my mother here.

  “A few more minutes, girls,” said Joan.

  8. Have you ever given a massage to a member of the opposite sex?

  20 points

  9. Have you ever made love in a room other than the bedroom?

  15 points

  10. Have you ever used whipped cream for anything besides dessert?

  25 points

  I hadn’t even got used to the idea of gift wrapping myself before I had to face the fact that some people made love in the dining room. Then I had to wonder what whipped cream had to do with anything. And suddenly I imagined myself standing naked covered with whipped cream in the dining room and I sucked in my breath.

  “Look at Alice!” somebody said. “Look at her blush!”

  “Oh, Alice!” Crystal laughed.

  “One more minute,” said Joan. “Tally up your scores, now, and we’ll go around the room and read them off.”