Fleabag- the Scriptures Read online

  Contents

  Also by Phoebe Waller-Bridge

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  How to Use this eBook

  Introduction

  Series: One

  Episode 1

  Episode 2

  Episode 3

  Episode 4

  Episode 5

  Episode 6

  Series: Two

  Episode 1

  Episode 2

  Episode 3

  Episode 4

  Episode 5

  Episode 6

  Who is Fleabag?

  Post-script

  The Confessional Kyrie

  Also by

  Phoebe Waller-Bridge

  Fleabag: The Original Play

  FLEABAG

  The Scriptures

  Phoebe Waller-Bridge

  First published in Great Britain in 2019 by Sceptre

  An Imprint of Hodder & Stoughton

  An Hachette UK company

  Scripts copyright © Two Brothers Pictures Limited 2019

  Post-script copyright © Phoebe Waller-Bridge 2019

  The right of Phoebe Waller-Bridge to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  Guinea pig, fox and music score illustrations © Paula Castro 2019 @breedlondon

  BBC and the BBC logo are trademarks of the British Broadcasting Corporation and are used under licence. BBC logo © BBC 1996

  The BBC series Fleabag was created by Phoebe Waller-Bridge and produced by Two Brothers Pictures (an all3media company).

  Fleabag: The Original Play is published by Nick Hern Books

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

  Hardback ISBN 978 1 529 39480 1

  Trade Paperback ISBN 978 1 529 32280 4

  eBook ISBN 978 1 529 39481 8

  Hodder & Stoughton Ltd

  Carmelite House

  50 Victoria Embankment

  London EC4Y 0DZ

  www.sceptrebooks.co.uk

  For my family

  How to Use this eBook

  Look out for linked text (which is in blue) throughout the ebook that you can select to help you navigate between notes and main text.

  You can double tap images to increase their size. To return to the original view, just tap the cross in the top left-hand corner of the screen.

  Introduction

  Fleabag is a television series based on the play of the same name.

  The first series appeared on our screens in 2016 and was an instant hit.

  It tells the story of a woman living in London grappling with family, work, sex, love and loss.

  The second series aired in the summer of 2019 to further critical acclaim.

  It is a love story.

  Enclosed in the pages of this book are the filming scripts of the two series, alongside commentary from creator Phoebe Waller-Bridge on the writing and filming of the multi-award-winning show.

  SERIES

  ONE

  EPISODE 1

  INT. FLEABAG’S FLAT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT

  Sounds of a woman breathing.

  Shot of the inside of a front door. Fleabag’s POV.

  Shot of Fleabag a few steps away from the door, watching it as if she’s ready to pounce. Smudged makeup, hair tousled.

  Out of breath.

  Shot of the inside of a front door. Fleabag’s POV.

  Shot of Fleabag. She turns to camera.

  FLEABAG

  (earnest, touch of pain. To camera)

  You know that feeling when a guy you like sends you a text at 2 o’clock on a Tuesday night and asks if he can ‘come and find you’ and you’ve accidentally made it out like you’ve just got in yourself, so you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business, suspender belt, the whole bit, and wait by the door until the buzzer goes—

  (buzzer goes)

  And then you open the door to him like you’d almost forgotten he was coming over.

  She opens the door to a HANDSOME MAN.

  FLEABAG

  (casual)

  Oh hi!

  ARSEHOLE GUY

  Hey.

  FLEABAG

  Hey.

  Beat.

  ARSEHOLE GUY

  Hey.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  And then you get to it immediately.

  They start snogging violently.

  INT. FLEABAG’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

  They are going at it on the bed; we are looking at Fleabag’s back while she is on top. In a throe of passion Arsehole Guy flips her over onto her side so she is facing us, with him behind her.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  After some pretty standard bouncing you realise that he is edging towards your arsehole. But you’re drunk, and he made the effort to come all the way here so, you let him. He’s thrilled.

  ARSEHOLE GUY

  (whispered)

  I’m so thrilled.

  INT. FLEABAG’S BEDROOM – MORNING

  Fleabag lies in bed, peacefully.

  She suddenly opens her eyes and talks to us.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  And then the next morning, you wake to find him fully dressed, sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you …

  REVEAL: Arsehole Guy is sat on the bed, gazing at Fleabag earnestly. Fleabag looks at him, and then back to camera.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  He says that—

  ARSEHOLE GUY

  Last night was incredible.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  Which you think is an overstatement, but then he goes on to say that—

  ARSEHOLE GUY

  It was particularly special because I’ve never managed to actually … up the bum with anyone before–

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  To be fair, he does have a large penis.

  ARSEHOLE GUY

  And although it’s always been a fantasy of mine, I’ve … never found anyone I could do it with.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  And then he touches your hair.

  He touches her hair.

  FLEABAG

  And thanks you with a genuine earnest.

  ARSEHOLE GUY

  (earnest)

  Thank you.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  It’s sort of moving. Then he kisses you gently.

  He kisses her gently.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  And then he leaves.

  He leaves.

  Beat.

  Fleabag frowns.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  And you spend the rest of the day wondering—

  CUT TO: INT. CAFÉ – MORNING

  Fleabag sits with a cup of tea looking up into the distance pensively. A moment of real consideration passes before …

  FLEABAG

  (to camera, concerned)

  Do I have a MASSIVE arsehole?

  TITLES: FLEABAG

  INT. BUS – DAY

  Fleabag sits, reading a newspaper. On the page we see an advert boasting: ‘Thinking of getting a mortgage?’ with an inexplicably naked woman advertising it. Fleabag does not react. Because none of us do.

  She looks around and catches the eye of a MAN who is looking at her over his paper. We can only see his eyes. He looks away shyly. She looks at the camera and raises her eyebrows slightly. Hello …

  He pulls his paper down and smiles and reveals that he has extraordinarily large front teeth.

  She quickly looks away with a small grimace.

  INT. BUS – DAY, LATER

  Fleabag and BUS RODENT are getting off at the same stop. They do a little awkward laugh at each other.

  They stand next to each other.

  BUS RODENT

  (giggly)

  Wow … Um. This doesn’t happen very often, does it?

  FLEABAG

  (really giggly)

  Nooo no … I er – I suppose it’s … I suppose it’s quite rare, yeah.

  (to camera)

  I hate myself.

  BUS RODENT

  Um, are you going to work?

  FLEABAG

  Oh, no actually I—

  BUS RODENT

  Ok, um. This is gonna sound crazy, um, but I think that I should take your number and I think I should call it and I think I should ask you if you wanna go out for a drink with me.

  FLEABAG

  Um … I—

  BUS RODENT

  Fuuuck me, you’ve got a boyfriend.

  FLEABAG

  Um, no … No, we broke up quite recently actually.

  BUS RODENT

  Oh my God, I’m so sorry slash really pleased.

  Errr
rm, how the hell did he manage to fuck that up?

  INT. FLASHBACK, FLEABAG’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

  Fleabag is lying in bed with her computer in her lap, eating pizza. She is watching a video of OBAMA giving a speech.

  He is very serious.

  She is very serious.

  She starts touching herself.

  Suddenly a YOUNG MAN’s head pokes up on the other side of the bed.

  HARRY

  What are you doing?

  She flips the laptop down quickly.

  FLEABAG

  Nothing!

  Beat.

  Harry gets out of bed.

  FLEABAG

  Harry—

  He grabs his bag and starts packing some things from a clothes rail.

  HARRY

  I know what you were doing.

  FLEABAG

  I was watching the news!

  HARRY

  (genuine)

  Really?

  FLEABAG

  Yeah!

  HARRY

  (genuine)

  Really?

  FLEABAG

  Yeah!

  HARRY

  (vulnerable)

  What was he talking about then?

  Beat.

  FLEABAG

  What?

  HARRY

  (vulnerable)

  Please. I – I just – need to hear this. What was he talking about?

  Long pause.

  FLEABAG

  Iraq.

  Hurt and furious, Harry manically starts packing again.

  HARRY

  Don’t say anything.

  She doesn’t.

  HARRY

  Please don’t stop me leaving.

  She doesn’t move.

  HARRY

  (angrily)

  Please don’t.

  FLEABAG

  Ok.

  HARRY

  DON’T!

  He pauses. Then picks up his stuff.

  HARRY

  I’ve really tried to be there for you through this. You can’t say I haven’t tried.

  She doesn’t say anything.

  HARRY

  Don’t say anything. And please don’t contact me. Or turn up at my house drunk, in your underwear. It won’t work this time.

  FLEABAG

  (to camera)

  It will.

  HARRY

  (sadly)

  I’m taking the posh shampoo.

  He goes to leave, then stops at the door and looks at her.

  HARRY

  He was talking about democr—

  HARD CUT TO:

  They giggle and walk off in opposite directions. As she walks, Fleabag checks her phone. She suddenly BOLTS it down the street.

  INT. AN OFFICE – DAY

  Sounds of panting breath. Close-up of Fleabag, out of breath and slightly sweaty. A man sits opposite her reading a document.

  Beat.

  BANK MANAGER

  Thanks for coming in today. We really appreciate you considering us for your …

  (reading it)

  Small business start-up loan.

  FLEABAG

  No problem.

  BANK MANAGER

  I have read your application.

  FLEABAG

  Thank you.

  BANK MANAGER

  It was … funny!

  FLEABAG

  Oh – Ok – that wasn’t my intention but …

  BANK MANAGER

  As you are probably aware, we haven’t had the opportunity to support many – any – women-led businesses since the …

  FLEABAG

  Sexual harassment case.

  BANK MANAGER

  The sexual harassment case. Yes.

  (beat)

  Are you alright?

  FLEABAG

  Oh yeah, sorry, I just um – I ran from the station, so I’m just a bit … hot. But I’m really excited about, um …

  BANK MANAGER

  Water?

  FLEABAG

  (desperately wants water)

  Uh, no, thanks I’m fine – actually, yeah, water would be great, if I could …

  BANK MANAGER

  Sure.

  He doesn’t do anything about the water.

  BANK MANAGER

  There are a couple of details that we need to iron out, and one or two bits and pieces I’m gonna need to see some more of. It says in here that you opened the business with your … that your partner in—

  Fleabag pulls her top above her head. Realises she hasn’t got a top on underneath and pulls it back down again.

  BANK MANAGER

  Ok. I’m sorry, that kind of thing won’t get you very far here any more.

  FLEABAG

  (awkwardly laughing)

  Oh no sorry. I thought I had a top on underneath.

  BANK MANAGER

  Yeah Ok, but—

  FLEABAG

  No seriously, in this case, genuine accident.

  BANK MANAGER

  I can see, given our history, why you might think that—

  FLEABAG

  No, seriously I wasn’t trying to … I was hot!

  BANK MANAGER

  I take this kind of thing very seriously now.

  FLEABAG

  (laughing)

  I’m not trying to shag you, look at yourself!

  Beat.

  BANK MANAGER

  Ok. Please leave.

  FLEABAG

  Oh – no, you don’t understand, I need this – I need this loan.

  BANK MANAGER

  Please just leave.

  Beat.

  She gets up and starts to leave.