Mystery of Merlin and the Gruesome Ghost (Humpty Dumpty Jr., Hardboiled Detective) Read online

  I played back the Incident of the Flaming Plume.

  “Is this a joke?!” Rosebriar rumbled.

  “See? That big pile of magical weapons in the basement?”

  Rosebriar hollered, “Are you kidding me? This is Merlin we’re talking about! He’s been guarding Excalibur for a decade. In the Files of All Known Weaponry, that Sword is Top Dog!

  “ Look at it this way, this city’s probably a whole lot safer if Merlin did clear the cutlery off the streets!”

  I stated, “But now they’re in the hands of The Potty Mouth Gang! Listen to this!”

  I turned my notepad on ‘PLAY’ and cranked up the volume:

  “Dance, ya brat!”

  Rosebriar roared, “So what? Even if it is KnockOut Louie, I can’t arrest ’im for wearing a tutu! Now get outta here!”

  Chapter 13

  “There Are No Ghosts”

  I hauled shell back to the Institute.

  I’d confront Merlin and yank the truth out of him, whisker by painful whisker.

  I got to the Institute, picked up the kids, and headed for Merlin’s office.

  “Whaaaa...?” Merlin sputtered.

  I smoothed my trench coat, stroked my mustache, and stated, “I know ‘Royal’ Flush is putting the squeeze on you. I can help!”

  Merlin backed up from my nose and snorted, “So! It’s you? You’re better at cleaning toilets, Dumpty, than solving mysteries. I demanded you stay out of Institute business.”

  “I’m here on Princess Lily’s Business,” I said.

  By now I’d backed the old geezer into a suit of armor.

  “So, spill it, Maestro. What gives with the canned gorillas crawling everywhere?”

  Merlin’s eyes blazed like a nuclear furnace.

  “And there’s another ghost!” Rat said. “Here, in the school.”

  “Prattle,” Merlin said.

  “It’s true,” Lily said. “He’s an old man calling for help. Calling ‘Wart!’”

  “‘Wart’?” Merlin blustered. “‘Wart’? Usually ghosts are searching for their heads! There ARE no ghosts at my Institute.”

  “Here’s a clue,” Rat snapped, “we just fought one. And if you got one ghost, you can have two. And, Mister Magician, you got two.”

  “Enough,” Merlin said. Glaring at me, the ancient wizard stepped closer. “I shall relish watching my guards throw you out on your shell.”

  Rat cried, “‘Relish’? With mustard?”

  I said, “Don’t worry. I’m leavin’.”

  I was out the door and down the hall before the wizard could say anything else.

  Rat followed. “You’re giving up?” he asked.

  “I said I was leaving,” I called loudly, as I turned a corner. Then I whispered, “But I didn’t say when.”

  I hid in Lily’s basement pad and caught forty winks until night, when I’d need all my wits, for sure.

  Chapter 14

  Ghost Busted

  That night, we headed to the 5th floor.

  “All set?” I said.

  We hadn’t taken three steps when, rounding a corner, we bumped into the ghastly glowing thing itself.

  Rat hollered, “Duck!” He blasted a lightning bolt at the ghost.

  Lily ducked for cover behind a stone pillar.

  The knight staggered, lightning sparking and crackling on his armor.

  Hold the phone!

  The ghost was sucking up every ounce of Rat’s spell like some crazy vacuum cleaner, and moaning, “More...magic...”

  The flagstones vibrated with the ghost’s heavy tread. What the—?

  This time, the knight was solid, not the phantom who walked through walls, and magic-proof to boot. This time, Rat’s blast made him stagger. That meant I could make him stagger.

  I rolled at the towering monstrosity in my famous “Bowling-Ball Juggernaut POW.”

  The ghost pointed its “flashlight” at me, and jagged lightning zapped out.

  YIKES!

  I spun away as the electric bolt exploded the stone wall next to me into gravel.

  Lily screeched.

  Rat shouted, “Sha-Boom!”

  Again the ghost absorbed the spell.

  Then the ghost zapped me right in the face.

  Next thing I knew, I was looking up at a very giant ghost and a giant Rat.

  Hold on. They weren’t giant-sized! I was dinkier than a hummingbird’s egg!

  The ghost stomped. I rolled crazily out of the way.

  His boot was a colossal slab of steel, crushing the flagstones beside me.

  Rat zapped another spell.

  The ghost soaked it up like it was starving.

  Rat staggered.

  Looming closer, the ghost moaned, “Where’s my magic? My magic!”

  And then, even more chilling, the ghost howled, “GIVE ME THE SWORD! OR DIE!”

  The ghastly voice almost cracked my teeny shell.

  Rat crumpled.

  The ghost glared down at Rat’s unmoving form.

  His electric humming increased.

  Then the ghost spun and strode away, like a passing lightning storm, down the ancient hallway.

  Chapter 15

  “Stupid, Stupid Boy”

  Next morning, Rat lay in an infirmary cot, pale and weak.

  I was still smaller than a chocolate egg, sitting on the blanket covering Rat’s chest.

  Lily sat beside her father on the cot next to us.

  Nurse Punnymanny, placing her furry rabbit paw on Rat’s forehead, said, “’E’s right, alright. Temp’s normal.”

  Rat mumbled, “What happened?”

  “Well,” I began, “we were fighting the ghost, and you conked out. Nurse Punnymanny and Lily brought us here.”

  Lily said, looking down, “You were really brave. Fighting the ghost.”

  Rat blushed.

  She muttered, “I sure wasn’t much help, though.”

  “Well,” Rat said, “it’s not your fault. Girls are just no good in a fight.”

  “Hey,” I said. “Some of the toughest fighters I know are women.”

  I turned to Lily. “Don’t listen to him. I know you don’t want to hurt anyone. That’s not something to be ashamed of. Plus, that was the first time you saw the ghost.” Lily shrugged.

  “Where’s the wand?” Rat cried.

  “Hidden under your pillow.”

  He pulled out our magic wand.

  “It was weird,” Rat said. “The ghost is a copycat.”

  “Whaddya mean?”

  “Well, whatever spell I used—my lightning spell, my new shrink spell—he just shot it right back.”

  Rat grinned at me and said, “You look funny. Maybe we should call you ‘Shrimpty’ Dumpty from now on.”

  It was good to see he was feeling better. I said, “Quit kidding around and change me back.”

  But, just as Rat started with, “Sha—”, who should come barging into the infirmary, but the walking laundry bag himself, Merlin.

  I ducked deep into Rat’s pocket.

  “Why are you lollygagging in here, lad?” he stormed, striding over to Rat. “It’s time to draw the Sword. Come along.”

  The headmaster spun, dragging poor Rat out by the ear. In Rat’s pocket, I grew dizzy with the motion.

  We jounced down and down the steps and swooped through the corridors to where the Sword stood.

  Excalibur glowed dimly.

  Merlin shoved us toward the stone. “Draw it, boy,” Merlin said. “You’re the king.”

  As Rat stepped up, the Sword’s edge was almost right at the tip of my nose. Gulp.

  I looked up at Rat yanking the hilt.

  Nothing.

  He yanked again. Same-o.

  A big egg. Zilch. Zero.

  Merlin screeched, “What is it? What are you doing wrong?” He stormed back and forth, shaking his head and stomping his feet.

  “Stupid boy!” he screamed. “You’re a...stupid, stupid boy.”

  “Dude,�
�� Rat whispered. He turned and slunk out.

  We found Lily watching from the shadows just outside Merlin’s office.

  She whispered, “Sorry you couldn’t draw Excalibur, Rat.” She put her hand on his arm. He didn’t seem to mind.

  Rat said, “I’m getting tired of Old Moss-breath messin’ with me. And,” (he yanked me out of his pocket, glaring), “bad idea, Humpty, forcing me to be here. To be in school at all!”

  “Okay, okay,” I shouted in my 2-inch-loud voice. “Remember, we’re doing all this for Balto and Lily. Now, get me back to normal.”

  One ‘Sha-Boom’ later, I was my full-size, hard-boiled detective self again.

  Rat muttered, “We’ll see who’s ‘stupid’, old man,” and stormed away. He called over his shoulder, “I just figured out who ‘Wart’ is.”

  Chapter 16

  A Wart by Any Other Name

  Rat took us to the library.

  As we entered Lord Feathergrimm’s domain, I looked at Rat, questioning.

  Rat conspicuously jabbed his own cheek, mouthing, ‘Wart’. Then he pointed at the librarian.

  Rat snarled, “Okay, Professor Featherbrain! Spill it. You’re the glowing ghost. I got you all figured out.”

  Lord Feathergrimm didn’t even look up from the parchment he studied.

  “Rat,” I started, but he put his hand up and again pointed at his cheek. ‘Wart! Wart!’ he mouthed.

  “Wart!” came a voice behind us.

  Feathergrimm jerked his head up.

  Lily and Rat and I spun.

  The other ghost. The flickering old man glowed thinly, saying, “Wart?”

  We all watched Feathergrimm walk around and through the shimmering specter.

  “I can’t make out...” Lord Feathergrimm mumbled. “If I could just see...” he said, stroking the thin air of the ghost’s face.

  The ghost, searching the spaces in front of him, moaned, “Wart. Help!”

  Then, he softly faded.

  Feathergrimm scratched his head, muttering, “It looks like...if only...it could just be...but that underwear!”

  Rat said, “Why does the ghost keep calling me ‘Wart’?”

  The librarian answered, “If you are indeed the Once and Future King, then you’re Arthur reborn. And ‘Wart’ was Arthur’s nickname when he was a boy. It sort of rhymes with ‘Art’ for Arthur, you see and—”

  I said, “‘Wart’? Nickname?” The biggest lightning bolt that ever struck a noggin zapped me fried.

  “Merlin should’ve known King Arthur’s nickname,” I said. “He was his teacher.

  “So, either he really knows, and he’s hiding it, or...”

  “Or what?” Rat asked.

  “He really doesn’t know.”

  I handed the wand to Rat. “Lily. Stay here.”

  Rat and I tore out of the library. I said, “This could get rough. Be ready. For anything.”

  Chapter 17

  Wand and Sword

  Rat SHA-BOOMed a snoozer spell on the armored goons guarding Merlin’s office.

  For dramatic emphasis, I kicked the double doors open and rushed in.

  Rat scurried beside me, wand held at the ready.

  Merlin stood stiffly behind his desk.

  “So this is your idea of ‘leaving’, is it?” Merlin asked. He glared with the angry, nuclear glow again.

  I said, “’Fess up—why don’t you know who Wart is?

  “And,” I continued, my steam definitely up, “I’ve never seen you do any magic. So, how did you do it?”

  “Do what?” Merlin and Rat asked together.

  “Get rid of the real Merlin,” I said.

  The wizard smiled. An evil, snake-like grin.

  “Huh?” said Rat. “You mean...?”

  Rat leapt on Merlin’s desk, and full-force yanked the magician’s beard.

  Rat fell off the desk, Merlin’s whiskers and facemask ripping off with a sound like Velcro.

  Standing before us was some guy I didn’t know.

  A skinny guy by the looks of his sunken cheeks.

  A nervous guy, I could tell, from his twitching eyebrows, lips, and ears.

  A sickly pale guy, with a sick grin on his sick face.

  Sick menace in his eyes.

  “A phony Merlin,” I said. “In a phony beard. Funny—when you yanked my mustache, it stayed on.”

  Rat (Mr. Shoot-First-and-Ask-Questions-Later) fired the wand. “SHA-BOOM!”

  A lightning bolt crackled into the phony Merlin.

  His robes blew off in tatters, revealing something metallic beneath. Something glowing.

  The lightning skittered around the gleaming armor. Then the metal soaked up Rat’s spell, a sponge absorbing spilled lemonade.

  “Surprise!” said the glowing ghost.

  He drew his flashlight-wand.

  “Watch out, kid!” I dove for the maniac, but a lightning bolt jolted me.

  I caught just the edge of it. Most of the magic blasted straight for Rat.

  Rat brought the wand around like a ballplayer swinging for a fastball.

  The lightning ricocheted off the wand, tore through the heavy curtains behind the phony Merlin, then slammed into the doors at the back of the office.

  They blew apart in a fiery detonation.

  “Your magic is useless against me,” said Ghost Guy. “Your magic...is mine!”

  The familiar burring, buzzing, tingling swept over my shell.

  I wanted to lie down and sleep.

  Rat was pale and shaking. He crumpled to his knees, trying to raise the wand.

  “You don’t have a chance,” the glowing imposter said. “I beat Merlin, the greatest wizard of all time.”

  I could see the Sword in the stone behind him, a dark silhouette.

  “Who are you?” I said, weakly. Maybe I could buy time, give Rat a chance to recover, somehow get the upper hand.

  The Ghosty Guy smiled his sick, crazy smile. He swept a lock of his greasy black hair out of his eyes.

  “I am Mordred,” he said.

  Chapter 18

  The Full-of-Hot Heir

  “You look pretty good for a dead guy, “ I said.

  “Fool,” the crazy-man snarled. “I AM THE DESCENDENT OF THE BLOODLINE OF MORDRED!”

  I said, “Hold the phone. Mordred, son of King Arthur?”

  “None other,” Mordred said. “I am MORDRED PENDRAGON, the 34th!”

  Something about this crazy-eyed maniac looked familiar. How? Why? When?

  I heard a gasp at the doorway.

  “Lily,” I cried. “I told you to wait in the library!”

  “I want to help,” Lily said. She stepped into the room, staring at Mordred.

  Her face was stern, her eyes flashing. “Why did you hurt my poppa?”

  Boy, she looked like her mom in the picture, standing there so regally poised.

  Her mom! That’s who Mordred reminds me of!

  What the...?

  Mordred said, “Balto, the poor fool, got in my way. Nothing can stop me from getting Excalibur.” He gestured toward the Sword. It glowed with soft light, sparking brighter and brighter.

  I said, “Poor schmuck. You couldn’t even draw the Sword.”

  “Excalibur is mine,” Mordred screamed. “Mine by birthright.”

  His face twisted in frustration.

  He pounded the desk.

  “I swore the Sword would be mine. I needed a new plan. I am a scientific GENIUS. All I needed was time and money to fulfill my destiny!”

  His ghostly armor glimmered and crackled.

  “It took me years, but I finally created my armor. Armor that absorbs magical energy.”

  “So you’re some kind of magic-sucking vampire?” I said.

  “Crude,” Mordred said. “I can take a wizard’s magical energy and use it against him. I defeat him with his own spells. And suck most of the spell’s energy.”

  “You’re a walking flashlight battery,” I said.

  Mordred ign
ored me. He was totally absorbed in himself.

  “Not since Morgan Le Fay has anyone bested the mighty Merlin. She imprisoned him in a crystal cave. I’ve done her one better.”

  Mordred pointed.

  Beyond the blackened ruin of the doors Rat had blasted stood a large slab of crystal. It glowed with the same sickening light as Mordred’s armor.

  There were pipes and pulsing cables hooked up to the crystal.

  Inside was a shape...a man’s shape, tall and thin.

  “Behold the once-mighty Merlin,” Mordred said.

  “So, why the ghost act?” I said. “How did you walk through walls?”

  “There is nothing magic can do that science can’t do better,” said Mordred. “Sometimes I ‘haunt’ the castle myself. That’s when I steal magical energy from the fools. But other times I use holograms. To frighten and confuse.”

  “But why?” Lily asked.

  “It takes a lot of power to run my armor,” Mordred said. “And lately,” he gestured at Merlin imprisoned in the crystal, “the old fool seems to be fighting me somehow. Draining me.

  “I needed more energy. So I took it from the princes here. Those spoiled brats! It was a pleasure to see them squirm in fear. To watch them faint as I absorbed their magic. Kept them prisoners in their own school.”

  I said, “So, you took over the Institute, and waited like a spider for a fly. Waited for the prince destined to free the Sword.”

  “Exactly,” said Mordred. “And now, boy,” he pointed his wand at Rat, “I’ve found you!”

  I had to do something!

  I yelled, “Mordred!” I gulped. “I challenge you... to a wizard’s duel!”

  Chapter 19

  Another Secret

  Did I even have the slightest clue what I was doing?

  I stated, “Just let me grab my wand and I’ll show you some real magic.”

  “We’ll duel,” Mordred said. “And Merlin will have some company in crystal.”

  I edged over to Rat.

  He moaned, “What...I...” He was gasping for air.