Retribution Is Mine! Read online

  RETRIBUTION IS MINE

  He was a nice cheetah. Now he's dead.

  Kaiser Wrench suspects murder, while the cops are calling it a suicide. Without a license or a gun, Wrench is pushing his way through a swirl of sex-and-game clubs, high priced models and not just a little blackmail. Someone is working hard to frame Wrench and he’s working hard to find out why. Everywhere he turns, he keeps coming up against a beautiful tigress named Viola. She holds the key to the crime wave that could unlock the mystery behind the nice cheetah’s murder..

  Retribution is

  Mine

  A Poached Parody

  P.C. HATTER

  Also known as Stacy Bender

  Byrnas Books

  This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this book are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  Retribution is Mine!

  Copyright © 2020 by Stacy Bender

  All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.

  Cover design by Elizabeth Mackey

  Art by Sara “Caribou” Miles

  CHAPTER 1

  The cheetah lay dead on the floor still wearing his striped pajamas. My gun was in his hand, but his brain was all over the rug. The alcohol I’d drunk wasn’t helping me think. Neither were the two dogs that had yanked me out of a dead sleep and were now firing questions at me.

  One of them slapped me with a wet towel. I attempted to roar at him, but it came out more of a mew. The dog only laughed. When they started to get rough, I got my own back in spades. If Duke hadn’t arrived when he did, my face would have been bloodied. So would his officers, but they were looking for a fight.

  My voice sounded bad even to my own ears. “The cavalry has arrived.”

  Captain Duke Barrow was not amused. “Of all the times to get drunk. Did either of you two touch him?”

  “He kicked me,” whined the pug. The Doberman had enough sense to look away and keep his mouth shut.

  Duke took me by the arm and pulled me to a sitting position on the bed. “Get up, Kaiser.”

  “I feel like crap.”

  “Get used to it because it’s going to get worse.” Duke handed me the wet towel that had fallen to the floor, and I buried my face in the damp cloth. When I could stand, Duke steered me to the bathroom and a cold shower. My head was starting to hurt, but at least my mind cleared enough to think. Once out of the shower and dried off, I started feeling like a tiger again.

  Duke handed me a cup of coffee. Seeing as there wasn’t much counter space, he’d stuck the pot in the bathroom sink but made sure my cup stayed full. “Listen, wise guy, you’re in trouble up to your eyeballs. What is it with you and dames that you have to lose it every time you mess with them?”

  “Sasha wasn’t a dame.” No, Sasha wasn’t a dame, but she was still dead because of me.

  “Okay, fine. But that’s no reason for you to fall apart.”

  The few choice words I managed to say didn’t come out right, but Duke got the gist.

  “Kaiser, you’re not the first male to love someone who gets killed, and you won’t be the last.”

  “Twice?”

  The German shepherd knew about Sylvia as well, along with the situation behind her death. “Pull yourself together. There’s a situation in the next room that needs to be dealt with. You’re drunk, and he’s got a hole in his head made by your gun. Care to explain?”

  “Who are the goons?”

  “Police. At three in the morning, a couple thought they heard a shot. Thought it came from outside until the maid came in this morning to clean and found you passed out and the cheetah dead on the floor. If you don’t have a good explanation, you’d better find one fast.”

  The scowl on Duke’s face held both anger and worry. As much as he tried to keep his ears up, they kept dipping, giving away his emotions. A queasy feeling in my stomach ended with me upchucking into the commode. Once I cleaned up, Duke handed me my clothes.

  My hands shook so bad, I could barely button my shirt. I didn’t even bother with my tie. Duke helped me into my coat before pushing me back out into the room. The two plain clothes cops that had woke me up glared at me along with the uniformed one that came with Duke. I didn’t recognize any of them.

  Duke pulled over a chair and had me sit down. “Now start from the beginning, Kaiser. Don’t leave out any details.”

  I glanced over at the body, now sheet covered. “His name’s Aloysius Wells. Owns a store in Dayton Ohio. The store’s a family business that his grandfather started. He’s got a wife and two cubs. Aloysius was in the city on business. A buying tour, he called it.”

  Pieces of memory flitted through my mind. Pictures of his family. Silly tales of running the store.

  “We met back in 1945 when I’d got back from overseas. The hotel was booked, and Aloysius was sleeping in the lobby. I felt sorry for him, even if he was a Captain in the air force. The room I had, had two twin beds, and I offered him one. We got drunk the next day and parted on good terms. Never thought I’d see him again. Then yesterday I find him sitting at the bar drinking a beer. He wasn’t happy about something, but I joined him for a drink. And we kept drinking. Changed bars a few times before we bought a bottle and came back here. Near the end of the bottle, he got a little maudlin and went to bed. Next thing I know, those two goons over there are using their fists to wake me up.”

  The two cops’ ears flattened but nothing more.

  “Is that everything,” asked Duke.

  “Everything I can remember.”

  Duke looked at the two dogs. “Anything been touched?”

  “No, sir,” said the Doberman.

  Duke stepped over and checked the body. My stomach wouldn’t allow me to. Duke was nice enough to tell me what he saw. “The wound looks self-inflicted. That’s obvious. I’m afraid you’re going to lose your license for this, Kaiser.”

  “Why? I didn’t shoot him.”

  The pug sneered. “Maybe you did and don’t remember.”

  This time I managed to roar, and he bolted behind his partner.

  “Knock it off, both of you.” Duke dealt with the dogs while I curled up in the chair with my hangover. When the coroner came in, I listened to every word they said. The opossum came to the same conclusion as the dogs. Shot at close range with a .45. My fingerprints were on the gun, but so were his, and they were over mine. When the pug suggested I staged the whole thing, I wanted to rip him to shreds. If Duke hadn’t stopped me, I would have.

  Once the coroner carted away the body, Duke spoke not only to me but the other cops. “Kaiser, you and that gun—”

  “You know I didn’t kill him. Hell, I was so far gone I didn’t even hear the shot. Do a paraffin test on the body if you don’t believe me. I’ll even take one.”

  Duke rubbed his snout. “Firearms and liquor don’t mix, Kaiser.”

  He didn’t have to say any more. The bottle of booze was still on the window sill, cigarettes filled the ashtray, and my gun was lying on the desk covered in fingerprint powder.

  “Come on, Kaiser.” Duke motioned me to follow. “Where’s your car?”

  “Parking garage, it’ll be fine.”

  Duke nodded, and we all left the room and crowded into the elevator. On the way to the police car, the pug looked like he hoped I was going to make a break for it the way he bounced all over the place. I would have rather made him a chew toy.

  Down at the department, they ran the test, and I came back clean. Unfortunately, I wasn’t about to get out unscathed. Duke hauled my rear to the D.A.’s office on account of the hotel manager raising such a stink about what happened.


  The D.A. was a sophisticated peacock when the photographers and reporters were around, but if they weren’t, he was just a plain cock. He told me to take a seat while he perched on the edge of his desk with what I supposed was his professional glare. I thought he looked constipated.

  Duke ran through the situation, and when he was done, the D.A. announced, “You’re finished, Mr. Wrench.” The bird hopped off his desk and strutted about the room. Lucky for him he didn’t try to display the new tailfeathers he was growing, or I would have ripped out a handful. The thought of him wearing extensions for the season would have been funnier if my livelihood wasn’t at stake.

  “You’ve outgrown your usefulness to this city Mr. Wrench.”

  Before the D.A. could go into a full-blown speech, I asked, “So I’m just a regular citizen now?”

  “Yes. No gun. No license.”

  “Am I being charged with anything?”

  “Unfortunately, no.”

  I got up from my chair and glared into the D.A.’s pinched face. “You’re an idiot. If it wasn’t for me, the newspapers would have laughed you out of office.”

  “Enough, you can’t—”

  “I can damn well exercise my right as a free citizen to voice my opinion of a public official, and you can listen, you jumped up feather preening twat. You’re a lawyer, not a cop. So, stop acting like they’re your slaves and let them do their jobs.”

  “Out. Out of my office, now.”

  I crammed my hat on my head and left. Duke followed me out and hissed. “Are you crazy? Kaiser, if you so much as get a parking ticket, the D.A. is going to raise hell.”

  “If it gets his face in the papers.”

  “Kaiser—”

  “No Duke, you know as well as I, that was the D.A.’s show, and he was more than happy to give me the shove.”

  Duke opened his mouth to say something but quickly shut it. Instead, he waved me to his office.

  With the door shut, Duke pulled out a bottle and two glasses and filled them both. “You’re a detective, Kaiser, and a good one.”

  I slugged down my drink and pulled my license from my wallet. Duke took it and clipped it to the incident report.

  “What now?” I asked.

  “Lord only knows what you’ll get up to now, but I suggest you take it easy. If there’s an inquest, you’ll be called in, and you know as well as I the D.A. is going to ride you hard.”

  “Let him try.”

  Before he put away the file, he checked my gun. Duke slid the magazine out, and with a scowl, ejected all the bullets. They sat on the desk for a moment before he picked everything up and placed them back in the envelope he’d pulled them from.

  Duke must have noticed the smile creep onto my lips because his ears went forward, and his attention was focused on yours truly. “What is it Kaiser?”

  “Just thinking.”

  “That’s dangerous. Are you going to tell me, or will I be trailing behind you again trying to pick up the pieces?”

  “What if I told you that I was going to get back my gun and license with a full apology from the D.A.?”

  “I’d be wondering what kind of high-grade cat nip you’ve been smoking, and where you got it from so I could bust them.” Duke took a long look at me before asking. “What gives, Kaiser?”

  The sarcasm dripped from my words. “Nothing’s changed. You know what I know. All the tests say the same thing. Aloysius is a suicide.” I grabbed my hat and gave Duke a nod. “Be seeing you.”

  “You’d better.” Duke tried scowling at me as I left, but his wagging tail spoiled the effect.

  The sun was shining without a cloud in the sky, but it did little to warm the cold bite of the air. With no license and an empty holster, I should have been fit to be tied, but I was fine. Even my hangover had disappeared.

  Instead of picking up my car, I took a cab to the office. Velvet was there sitting in my chair and going through paperwork. The lynx’s eyes were red from crying, and when she saw me let out a sob.

  “It’s okay,” I said, and tossed my coat and hat on the rack. I came around the desk and pulled her into my arms.

  “Oh, Kaiser. What happened?”

  “So, my brave, beautiful secretary is female after all.”

  Velvet gave me a halfhearted swat on the nose. “Are you going to tell me, or am I going to have to beat it out of you?”

  “Calm down. The D.A. pulled my license and took away my gun. I’m plain old Kaiser Wrench now.”

  “That bird brain? I hope you plucked him but good.”

  “Hadn’t thought of that.” I handed Velvet my fancy pocket handkerchief and let her blow her nose while I nudged her back into the chair. “Duke and I had a drink to say goodbye to the old business, let us have a drink to the new business.”

  “Stop wise cracking and spill.” As Velvet poured the drinks, I gave her all the details right up to the D.A.’s office show.

  “That fowl will walk over anybody to get to the top. I wish I could do something instead of being just your secretary.” Velvet shifted in the leather chair and pulled her legs up underneath her.

  I reached over and tugged her skirt back over her legs. For some people, legs were just something to stand on. On Velvet, they were a distraction to the nth power. “No more opening mail for you.”

  “I don’t want to get a job in a department store, or someone else’s office.”

  “Who says you have to? You’ve got your own private investigators license and a gun. Why not take over the business, and I’ll do the legwork?”

  Velvet blinked and twitched her ears making the tuffs on the ends flip all over the place. Her eyes narrowed before asking, “If I’m the only one with the license, shouldn’t I be the one doing the legwork?”

  I couldn’t help flipping her skirt up. “And a nice set of legs they are. If it wasn’t for the gun in your handbag, I might be tempted. How about you be boss and help me get my license back?”

  The evil smile that crept onto her face gave me chills. “Does that mean I can do what I please?”

  “Sure, but I suggest you concentrate on Aloysius Wells.” I slugged down my drink and chuckled.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s so funny?”

  “My gun. Only one bullet killed Aloysius. When Duke emptied the magazine, two were missing.”

  Velvet’s eyes turned dark and predatory.

  I grabbed my coat and hat and left the office. Velvet hadn’t bothered to fix her skirt, and I wasn’t taking any chances.

  CHAPTER 2

  The newspapers were filled with the story of my fall from grace. Those squirrels who clung on my tail for a story were ready to chew it off in the headlines. The D.A. might be laughing now but he’d be plucked by those same reporters by the time I was done.

  Back at my apartment, I ate and cleaned up. Not much I could do about my scarred, ugly mug but I fixed the loose material in my suit by wearing an empty shoulder holster. My first stop was the scene of the crime.

  The hotel where Aloysius Wells met his end was old fashioned and respectable. Bullying the desk clerk wasn’t going to get me into the room without a good excuse. My watch seemed like a good enough one. Once I had the innards popped out of the casing and in my pocket, I walked into the building.

  By the amount of ruffled feathers I saw, the owl at the desk wasn’t too happy to see me. He rang the desk bell a few times and a polar bear came out of the back room to stand beside him.

  Nonplused, I said, “The gears to my watch are gone. I lost them here.”

  “The room hasn’t been—”

  “I want them back, now.” I made my point with a roar and the owl sighed and waved a hand at the bear.

  “Go with him up to the room with him Larry.”

  The bear nodded, took the keys, and motioned me to the elevators.

  Nothing had changed since I’d left that morning. Rumpled sheets, print powder, and blood were all just as I’d left it. While the polar bear yawned and wai
ted, I searched from top to bottom. I found what I was looking for in the mattress I’d been sleeping in. The hole at least, but not the bullet. The thought that I almost woke up with the angels instead of the police had the fur on my back on end. The casing was missing too.

  In the end, I pulled the watch fixings out of my pocket and made as if I’d found them in the sheets. The bear wasn’t impressed and escorted me all the way out of the building. The big white glacier even made a point of standing out front in the cold while he watched me get into my car and drive off.

  I stopped at a corner bar and used their pay phone to call Duke at the office.

  “How clear am I on the Aloysius Wells case? You’re not going to be hauling me in for murder, are you?”

  Duke’s sigh was loud and clear. “Not for his suicide. Why?”

  “Did you do a thorough search of the room? Take anything out?”

  “We found one casing in the room, if that’s what you’re talking about.”

  “Don’t suicides leave notes?”

  “Not always. And before you ask, from what we can tell at present, he was an upstanding business person.”

  “How many bullets were left in my gun?” I couldn’t help smiling as I asked the question, and my amusement seeped into my voice.

  “Four.”

  “That’s strange, considering I always keep six in it.” I hung up the phone on his barking and sat down at the bar for a drink and a smoke. The D.A. was going to get roasted, and I’d get my license back soon.

  Thoughts of Aloysius kept bugging me, so I walked back to the phone and made another call to a private investigator I knew. Matthew Finch did mostly insurance work now.

  “Hey Matt, this is Kaiser.”

  “Kaiser?” The name came out as a question.

  “Mind if I call in a favor?”

  “Depends, is it legal?”

  “As far as I know. You heard about what happened?”

  “Can’t not hear about it. Sorry about your license.”