RARE BEASTS Read online

  Mr. Matterhorn adjusted his sunglasses. “I’m sorry to hear you’re in financial trouble. I make it my business to avoid that type of problem. But dealings like these require some negotiation, young lady. You can’t expect us to hand over that kind of money for a pet! We just need something to keep our kids quiet. What do you say to—let me think for a moment— five dollars?”

  “Five dollars?” repeated Ellen. “I say five dollars is an awful lot less than fifteen hundred!”

  “All right, then. Ten.”

  Ellen shook her head and glared at Mr. Matterhorn.

  “You drive a hard bargain, miss, but you have to learn how to negotiate!” said the executive, beads of sweat forming on top of his hairless head. “You’ll never get anywhere in business if you don’t learn how to negotiate! Twelve dollars, and that’s my final offer!”

  Ellen faced the crowd, doing her best to seem taller than she was. “My brother and I are not here to negotiate, we’re here to sell. These are valuable, exotic animals! And if you won’t give us what they’re worth, then you should leave!”

  Mr. Matterhorn looked annoyed. “To be quite frank, there is no way we are going to pay you that kind of money for any of these little monsters. I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t sell a single one.

  “And this is an odd place for you to set up shop, isn’t it? The people passing through here are going to work! And people who work as hard we do, do it to make money, not spend it. Don’t forget the three rules of retail: Location! Location! Location!”

  “Isn’t that just one rule?” asked Edgar. “Repeated three times?”

  “That’s because it’s so important, young man!You’re lucky we’re here at all!” bellowed Mr. Matterhorn.

  Ellen grimaced. “Well, you just don’t realize what you’re missing. Imagine, walking away from these delightful animals!”

  Mr. Marvin Matterhorn’s mouth formed a hard line across his fleshy face. “Oh, we’ll come out on top of this deal—we always do. I’ll keep my eye out for you on our way home this evening. I’m sure you’ll have dropped your ridiculous prices by then!”

  “Ridiculous, indeed!” the chorus echoed.

  Mr. Matterhorn held his pose for several silent seconds as if to give Ellen one more chance to change her mind. Then with a loud “Humph!” he stomped back to his car.

  The other businesspeople followed, uttering a collective “Humph!” as they turned away from the Exotic Animal Emporium and marched to their cars. Doors slammed shut, seatbelts clicked, and the vehicles departed.

  Ellen glowered as she watched them disappear down Ricketts Road. Then she noticed Edgar standing there, smirking.

  “What are you smiling about, chowderhead?” she fumed. “You didn’t help me try to sell these things at all, and now we’ve lost all those customers!”

  “Oh, stop your whining!” Edgar retorted. “Those windbags don’t pay attention to their own kids, so I figured, why would they pay attention to me? While you were dealing with them, I put extra-strength glue on all their seatbelt buckles! They’ll be stuck in their cars all day long—so much for their important business deals.”

  Ellen tugged on a pigtail and said, “Business, indeed!”

  Mr. Marvin Matterhorn

  Looks at us with so much scorn

  Cares not why his kid’s forlorn—

  He’s such a selfish dad!

  We know what it’s like to be

  Abandoned to our roguery

  Just wait until those kids come see

  The pets they might have had!

  17. Relocation

  Edgar pointed at the cars passing by them. “Everyone around here seems to be concentrating very hard on getting to where they are going.”

  Ellen nodded. “If no one will notice us here, let’s keep moving.”

  So they continued on, Ellen struggling with the rusted handle to make the turn onto Rio Road.

  “Blast it, Edgar, why didn’t you oil these axles and hinges when we had the chance?”

  “Well, why didn’t you?” The twins made hideous faces at each other. Though it was a contest they often kept up for hours, they had a more important mission today. They turned their attention back to rolling the ungainly cart. Not far down the street they found a spot at the edge of a small park. While they were getting the display ready, they noticed some movement on Sydney Street, a short block away. Two small boys, a few years younger than the twins, were crawling out of a culvert beneath the road. The wide-mouthed metal pipe was used to drain water after thunderstorms so the street wouldn’t flood, and the area around the culvert was often a swampy mess.

  Crusty sludge and small bits of trash covered each boy from head to toe. It looked as if they had been crawling through culverts for some time now, and a thick coating of sewer slime made their hair color and the patterns on their clothes unidentifiable. But the twins clearly saw their puffy red eyes and the tear streaks in the grime on their faces.

  “Brother, aren’t those the Turkle boys? Burl and Seth? They cry when the sun goes behind a cloud!”

  Edgar squinted, now recognizing the Turkles beneath the filth.

  “Why, yes they are, Sister. I guess they can’t find their pretty pooch. Serves them right!”

  The twins watched as the two boys overturned rocks, picked through every small bush, and sorted through the trash littered about. After taking one last look into the culvert, the boys finally shrugged and trudged a short way up Sydney Street before disappearing inside another sewage pipe.

  Edgar stood silent for a moment, staring after them with envy. He took a deep breath and let out a long sigh.

  “Ah, sewers. It’s been a while since we’ve spent any quality time exploring them, Sister.”

  Ellen elbowed him in the ribs.

  “There will be plenty of time to renew our acquaintance later, Brother. The sewers aren’t going anywhere, you know, and we have work to do.”

  Edgar rubbed his side, sighed again, and turned back to the cart.

  “Rare beasts for sale!” he bellowed.

  18. Dairy Deliveries

  While the morning sun was still low in the sky, a truck pulled up in front of the Exotic Animal Emporium, belching black smoke as it came to a stop. On the side of the truck was a peeling picture of a smiling cow eating a piece of Swiss cheese, with the words “Nod’s Limbs Dairy” stenciled across the top.

  A tall, powerfully built woman climbed down from the cab and looked at her rusty vehicle. Thick smoke poured out of its front and back ends.

  “Aw, nuts,” she said.

  The twins watched her walk over to a pay phone at the corner of the park. She wore a clean white uniform with a black bow tie and a white cap. With her head held high and her chest puffed out, she looked like she was marching in a one-person military parade.

  Either the person she was calling didn’t answer, or the phone was out of order, for she suddenly slammed the phone back onto its cradle. She looked back at her truck and muttered something the twins couldn’t hear.

  Ellen loudly cleared her throat.

  “Ahem.”

  Elsie Miller turned and looked surprised to see the twins and the elaborate cart full of creatures.

  “Good morning, youngsters! What a beautiful day for you to be playing outside!

  “And lookie here, aren’t these just the cutest little things you’ve ever seen!” she said, approaching the particularly freakish Lollimop. The Lollimop bobbed its green polka-dotted head and clucked.

  “But you two,” she said as she leaned down close to the twins and pinched their ashen cheeks. “You look a little pale. You should drink more milk!”

  Each sibling disliked being pinched by the other, so, needless to say, they both hated being pinched by someone else. Ellen was ready to give Elsie Miller a nasty pinch of her own when Edgar stomped on her foot and whispered, “Watch it! Don’t drive away the customer!”

  The dairy driver carefully studied the animals from top to bottom, sometimes
lifting them off the table to inspect their undersides.

  “Maybe you two can help me out,” said Elsie as she checked under the tail of a bright orange Canterlamper. “I can’t seem to find udders or nipples on any of these here critters. Everyone knows you can’t make milk without udders or nipples! Down at the dairy, we’ve got plenty of cows, but we’ve found that goats make pretty good milk, too.

  “Goats!” she continued. “Who would’ve thought? And I’m a milk connoisseur! If people like goat’s milk and goat cheese, who’s to say they won’t like other kinds as well? I’ve got half a mind to start my own side business, selling milk and dairy products from other animals—it could be profitable. And I could get my own truck.”

  Elsie tugged doubtfully at a protrusion on the stomach of the Lollimop that looked remarkably like a bulb from a string of holiday lights. The Lollimop scratched at the cart uncertainly and clucked again.

  “So…do any of these odd little critters make milk?”

  Ellen scratched her forehead and said, “Milk? Sure! Some of them make milk. In fact, the most exotic of our animals produce the most delicious milk. That’s why they’re the most valuable!

  “See that Mildewilder down there? Mmmm, mmm! And it’s only three thousand dollars. Think of all the exotic milk you could sell with your very own Mildewilder! You’d make back your investment in no time.”

  “Well, I think I’d like to sample some exotic Mildew-whatever milk! I wouldn’t be a milk expert if I didn’t try some, would I? But I’m sorry to say the Nod’s Limbs Dairy can’t afford three thousand

  dollars, and I certainly can’t afford it on my own. If the dairy had that kind of cash, I’d make them fix my truck first! Just look at that heap of junk.”

  Elsie Miller glanced at the smoking vehicle and shook her head.

  “Do any of your less expensive animals make milk?”

  “Well, maybe the Mildewilder is a bit out of your league,” Edgar sneered. “That’s all right, I’m sure we could sell it to some other dairy who can appreciate the lucrative opportunity available with Mildewilder milk.”

  He pointed at a small, pink, feathered creature a bit farther down the line. “How about a Grobble? Its milk is not quite as refined as a Mildewilder’s, but it is more affordable. Only twenty-five thousand dollars!”

  The dairy driver lifted her cap and ran her fingers through her hair. “Affordable? Are you serious? Do you have something for maybe, say, twenty dollars?”

  Edgar shuddered, realizing that neither the Nod’s Limbs Dairy nor Elsie would make them rich.

  “Our most inexpensive creatures are one thousand dollars and not a penny less, and we have no milk makers for under two thousand dollars! So if you’re not buying, please move your broken-down truck away from our emporium. That black smoke is scaring away all our customers and choking our animals.”

  Elsie shrugged and turned to leave when Ellen appeared with a glass full of dark, cloudy liquid.

  “Before you go, please try some of our splendid Mildewilder milk, on the house!” she said sweetly.

  Elsie eyed the glass warily.

  “No, missy. I don’t drink chocolate milk. Spoils the palette.” Elsie puffed out her chest. “Only pure milk for me.”

  “This is pure brown milk,” said Ellen. “You know how some chickens lay brown eggs? It’s the same idea. But if your palette isn’t sophisticated enough…”

  “I have top-class taste buds!” said Elsie. She took the glass, swished the liquid around, and sniffed it. Finally she put it to her lips and drank down the whole thing in one gulp.

  “YUCK!” gagged Elsie. She spat and coughed and rubbed her mouth. “This is the worst milk I’ve ever tasted! I’d rather put vinegar on my cereal!”

  “That’s a shame,” said Ellen sadly. “Kings and queens the world over enjoy a good glass of Mildewilder milk. You should probably stick to boring old cow milk.”

  “Well, I never cared much for namby-pamby royalty anyway.”

  Elsie feigned a smile and Edgar gasped. The woman’s teeth were so black it looked like she had a set of toothless gums. He clapped his hand over his mouth to keep from bursting with laughter.

  “My goodness, Elsie, you have such a lovely smile,” Ellen said. “If I were you, I’d plaster that grin across your face all day long.”

  “Why, thank you. Brush, floss, gargle, floss!” Elsie said. “But I’ve dillydallied with my dairy deliveries long enough. Good luck to you both.” With that, Elsie Miller climbed back into her rusty truck and drove off, explosive backfires of exhaust fading as she disappeared over a hill.

  “Ha! That smoke is almost as dirty as her teeth!” said Ellen, pulling out a flask filled with brownishpurply liquid. “Courtesy of the digestive juice from one of my carnivorous plants. Elsie will need some extra-strength toothpaste tonight!”

  “Or steel wool!” Edgar exclaimed, and the twins sang:

  “Elsie wants some milk that’s clean

  But she drives that foul machine

  Coughing smoke—it’s as obscene

  As her not-so-pearly whites.

  Silly milkmaid took a drink,

  And now her teeth are black as ink—

  Still, our selling record stinks!

  When will the buyers bite?”

  19. On the Road

  The twins finished their song and collapsed against each other, cackling and chortling. With a few last snickers, Ellen cast a fresh eye on their location.

  “I don’t think this spot is working either, Brother.”

  “Off again, I say.” Edgar began to push the creaking wagon.

  They pulled and pushed their way along Rio Road, across the edge of the Green Gables Community Golf Course, past pole after pole covered with “missing” and “lost” pet fliers. Finally, they stopped in front of the Nod’s Limbs High School parking lot to rest.

  School was closed for summer vacation, but there were some cars in the lot because the downtown shopping district was nearby.

  Ellen stood in front of the cart, yelling “Rare BEASTS for sale!” while Edgar fiddled with the wagon’s sticky wheels.

  Suddenly, Ellen felt something pull on her leg.

  Little Penny Pickens, so small that she barely reached Ellen’s waist, looked up pleadingly, tugging at Ellen’s striped pajamas with her tiny hand. Ellen recognized the blond five-year-old from the neighborhood.

  “’Scuse me, have you seen Mr. Poo Poo?”

  Ellen stared at Penny a moment.

  “What in blazes is a Mr. Poo Poo?”

  Penny looked alarmed. “Didn’t you see the signs my brother made? Ooh, you better be careful!”

  Now she had the twins’ ears. “Be careful” usually got their attention, since it often meant something unpleasant might happen.

  “Whatever do you mean, little girl?” asked Edgar.

  “Mr. Poo Poo is gone! He’s our pet snake and he got out! Big snakes can be very dangerous if you let them out. Mr. Poo Poo wouldn’t do anything to Peter or me—he’s really nice and friendly—but some people don’t know what to do around snakes!”

  Edgar and Ellen grinned and poked each other.

  “Oh wow, you should see him eat! Mr. Poo Poo can open his mouth really, really wide, and he can swallow things that are bigger than his own head! It’s amazing! And ’cause Mr. Poo Poo is so big, the things he can eat are huge!

  “He doesn’t eat very often, but when he’s hungry, you have to feed him right away. Then everything’s okay, and he goes back to sleep. But if you don’t feed him….”

  Penny sighed and pointed toward the Dumpster near the school, where two kids were rummaging about, throwing papers and cans in the air. “All the other kids’ pets disappeared last night, too! Those poor little animals! Everybody says they’re just lost, but if Mr. Poo Poo found them, maybe he ate them for dinner!”

  Edgar and Ellen looked down at Penny, absolutely thrilled. Edgar cracked his knuckles in secret satisfaction, and Ellen bit her tongue to keep
from smiling too broadly.

  “I don’t know what to do! We put signs all over town. Peter and I went to the fire department ’cause they can rescue cats from trees. They said they would tell everybody to look out for Mr. Poo Poo. They just have to find him!”

  As Penny Pickens sniffled, she finally caught sight of the elaborate cart, the animals still hidden behind the curtain.

  “What’s that? What does that sign say?”

  Ellen leaned down and said, “Our sign says ‘Special Jail for Little Girls.’ Now, scram before we throw you in!”

  With a tiny yelp, Penny stepped back, staring first at Ellen, then Edgar, and then fled down the street, her final warning of “Look out for Mr. Poo Poo!” hanging in the warm summer air.

  “Well, I’m glad to get her out of our hair,” Ellen said. “Who’d be afraid of that snake? All he does is sleep, and he’s got a leash on him. Silly little girl.”

  20. Handle with Care

  Edgar and Ellen took a moment to eat their lunch, a simple meal of dry salt crackers with olive paste and raisins. The exotic beasts watched them with hungry eyes, and when the Crackermacker tried to snatch a saltine from Ellen, she shooed it away. The twins had just finished eating when Mr. Crapple, the mailman, neared.

  As he reached Edgar and Ellen’s mobile menagerie, he let his mailbag slide to the ground, placed his hands on his hips, and leaned backward as far as he could, arching his back until the twins heard a loud crack!

  “That’s a little better,” grumbled Mr. Crapple. “Gosh darn aching back. Got to get Mrs. Crapple to walk on it again tonight.”

  He glanced at the sign posted on the cart.

  “Rare beasts, eh?”

  Mr. Crapple had been the mail carrier for Zone 13 of the Nod’s Limbs Post Office for decades.

  “Well, I hope you’re not expecting to mail any of these creatures,” growled Mr. Crapple. “You’ll need a special permit to send live animals. And you have to take them to the post office yourself. I don’t carry permits on my route.”