Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Read online

  Harry asked, “Oh, is that what this sack is? I was wondering about that.”

  Hermione answered, “Yes, it’s all in there.”

  Ron said, “Wait, everything we need is in just that one bag? I thought this was likely to take a couple of months.”

  Harry corrected, “Probably longer than that. We’re gonna need a lot of supplies.”

  Hermione answered, “It’s all taken care of.”

  Harry scoffed, “Oh, come on, Hermione. You must mean your stuff is in that bag. You can’t have everything we’re going to need in there.”

  Hermione stiffened, “That’s what I said, and I mean what I say.”

  Ron scoffed too, asking, “What about all my personal stuff? My clothes? My toothbrush? My teddy bear?”

  “I’ve got it covered.”

  “What do you mean, you got it covered? You couldn’t have packed all my toiletries. I just used them this morning.”

  Hermione sighed, “All right, you two. You obviously don’t believe me. So just what do you think I forgot to pack?”

  “My underwear,” answered Ron.

  “Wrong.” She reached into her sack, pulling out a package. It was covered in gift wrap with blue and white snowflakes. She handed it to Ron.

  Cheesley asked, “What’s with the wrapping paper? It’s not my birthday.”

  “Just open it.”

  He tore the paper away and revealed pink underwear with white fluffy bunnies.

  Ron blinked. He laughed nervously and said, “I don’t wear fuzzy bunnies anymore, you know!”

  Hermione replied, “I thought you might say that. Here.” She reached into her bag again and pulled forth another package. This one was covered with green and red Christmas trees.

  She handed it to Ron and added, “These ones are plain white.”

  Ron opened the present. He had a confused look on his face when he saw the new package of men’s white underwear in size 38. He wondered how it was possible for her to pull out the right present so quickly.

  She challenged him again, “C’mon. What else you got?”

  Harry chimed in, “How about my toothbrush?”

  A moment later Putter was staring confusedly at his very own toothbrush, which he had just unwrapped.

  Ron asked, “What about spare magic wands?”

  Hermione handed him a beautifully wrapped box. Inside was five of Ron’s kind of wand. He took one out and put it in his robe pocket. Then he returned the remaining ones for Hermione to store. Hermione placed them back in her bag.

  He continued, “Hmmm, how about a can opener?”

  Hermione looked miffed at Ron and said, “Please. Like I’d forget that! Now you’re not even trying to challenge me.”

  Harry got excited. He asked slyly, “How about my Elvis Snow Globe?”

  Hermione yawned and said, “I packed it.”

  A moment later, Harry had unwrapped his Elvis Snow Globe.

  “All right, how about an accordion?” asked Ron.

  “You don’t own an accordion.”

  “Well, I’m thinking of taking it up.”

  She sighed and pulled out a present for Ron. It was an accordion.

  Harry asked furtively, “How about an extension ladder?”

  Hermione cocked her head to the side and asked, “Think not?”

  Harry was feeling a bit smug. He thought he had her now.

  Hermione scoffed, “Wrong!”

  She pulled a very long present out of her bag. The boys’ eyes became wide. This package was longer than the whole sack. Together they unwrapped a brand new extension ladder.

  Next Ron asked for the latest video game system. When he got it, he exclaimed, “This is the best Christmas ever!”

  When Harry had opened up a new laptop computer, he concurred.

  Ron asked, “How about the Statue of Liberty?”

  “That’s a place. It doesn’t count. If you want the Statue of Liberty, go visit Ellis Island!”

  Ron questioned, “I thought you said it was on Liberty Island?”

  Hermione smiled and replied, “Well, what do you know? You do listen sometimes.”

  Harry jumped in, “All right. How about some French pastries?”

  Hermione stuck her tongue out at Harry. She reached into her bag and rummaged around for several seconds, then she pulled forth a gift-wrapped box. It was covered in Wise Men heading for the Star of Bethlehem. She handed it to Harry. Harry tore the wrapping paper away. He opened the box and inside was a large tiramisu.

  Harry called out, “Ah-HA! This is Italian pasty, not French.”

  “Close enough.”

  “I’m going to need a fork and a napkin.”

  Hermione handed him two more presents.

  Yes, it turned out Hermione really had packed. Everything they could ever need was in just one sack. Of course, it really was the wizard Santa’s magic sack. She had stolen it a couple years ago from Cubious Hasbeen. The big man was substituting for Father Christmas while he was on vacation recovering from a severe head trauma. Hermione was one of Santa’s helpers. She had traveled the world with Hasbeen that magical night delivering presents to everyone. And after the last present was delivered, she stole the empty bag.

  Ron and Harry were simply amazed at her ingenuity. They spent the rest of the night playing video games on a brand new gigantic television.

  Chapter 7 – The Most Exciting Monday Ever

  The boys did not wake until Sunday afternoon, and when they did, they eagerly began to play video games again. Hermione was ready to take the pole ax to their games, however, instead she simply pulled the plug on them.

  She scolded, “We need to make a plan. We need to find out about these hoaxcrocks. We don’t know how many there are. We don’t know what they are. We don’t even know how they’re made.”

  Ron complained, “Aw, I don’t even know where to begin.”

  “We begin by going over what we do know about them,” said Hermione. “Basically, we know that hoaxcrocks are totally evil. Only the worst sort of wizard or witch would resort to rending their soul in two and placing a piece of it into an object in order to obtain a wicked immortality of sorts. They can still die, but their soul continues to live in its repository. And their friends or family or followers can restore the soul, by extracting it from the hoaxcrock and placing it into a living person’s body. Basically, it’s a form of possession. The person’s soul is forced to vacate the body and the witch or wizard takes over.

  Ron said, “Eww, that would be so weird, especially if you took over a girl’s body.”

  Hermione sniffed, “And what’s so weird about being a girl?”

  Ron spluttered, “Oh, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant it would be weird for a guy to become a girl. That’s all.”

  Hermione ignored this and continued, “There isn’t much history regarding hoaxcrocks. I’ve researched it on the Internet. There are no ancient ones. There are no medieval ones. There aren’t any records or occurrences of them until modern times and even then, they are extremely rare. The first known person to have made one was Sigourney Weaver.”

  “Oh! She’s totally evil!”

  “Then of course, it became a celebrity rage. You had other malevolent actresses following in her footsteps; Morgan Fairchild, Joan Rivers, Jaclyn Smith, Christie Brinkley, and Goldie Hawn to name a few.”

  “Evil, Evil, Hot, Hot, and Evil.”

  Hermione gave Ron a look of contempt.

  He said, “What? Go on.”

  She turned to Harry and said, “That’s it for me. Harry?”

  Harry began, “Well, my good friend Grumblesnore was the one who seemed to know all about them. Unfortunately, he’s dead, and I don’t really know all that much. First of all, Moldyfart hated Grumblesnore and wanted to kill the Headmaster. Ever since Grumblesnore and I fooled the Fart Lord at the diving board two years ago, Grumblesnore’s been near the top of Moldyfart’s list.

  And so, Grumblesnore was researching the ho
axcrocks, so that together we could destroy them and afterward, kill the Fart Lord. Grumblesnore told me everything I know, but again, that’s not much. He told me that I had already inadvertently destroyed one hoaxcrock, the Frozen Dairy Dessert Cookbook. He told me he destroyed another, a Hong Kong Phooey metal lunchbox. It was Moldyfart’s from when he was a boy. Grumblesnore bought it on Ebay. He said it was listed under hoaxcrocks.

  He also learned about two others; Moldyfart’s pet anaconda, Snakey, and a pair of light up sneakers.

  A few months ago, the Headmaster and I tried to obtain the pair of light-up sneakers. Unfortunately, after risking our lives to get them, they turned out to be knock-offs and not genuine L.A. Gear light-up sneakers. They weren’t the real hoaxcrock.”

  Hermione asked, “L.A. Gear? Didn’t we throw a pair of L.A. Gear sneakers out when we were cleaning this place up like two or three years ago? If I remember correctly, no one wanted them.”

  Harry answered, “I doubt it.”

  Ron chimed in, “No, I remember. We definitely threw an old pair of L.A Gear sneakers away. But, don’t worry, they weren’t the light up kind.”

  Harry asked, “Are you sure?”

  Ron answered, “Positive, I wouldn’t throw out light-up sneakers. Who would?”

  Hermione agreed, “Only an idiot! Oh, uh…I mean, what if you didn’t realize they were the kind that light up?”

  Harry reasoned, “Why would they be here anyway? They’re probably in Moldyfart’s closet or under his bed or something.”

  Ron blurted out, “Are you kidding? Did you ever see Moldyfart wearing light-up sneakers?”

  Harry answered, “No.”

  “Well, that proves it then.”

  Harry laughed, “Proves what? I don’t quite follow your logic.”

  “If you had light-up sneakers, wouldn’t you wear them? I know I would! Say, you didn’t happen to pack any did you, Hermione?”

  Hermione made a wry face, “Sorry, Ron, I forgot to put them on my list when packing.”

  Harry found the whole idea silly. He said, “Ron, it doesn’t matter. If you threw them out three years ago, it’s too late now.”

  Hermione disagreed, “Maybe not. Let’s check to make sure they aren’t in Serious’s bedroom.”

  They searched not only Serious’s old bedroom, but the rest of the house as well, but they did not find a pair of sneakers.

  Finally, Hermione called loudly for Kreeper. When the House-Elf arrived, she asked him, “Kreeper, by any chance, do you remember when we were sorting through and cleaning up the place three years ago? There was a pair of Serious’s sneakers that got thrown away.”

  Kreeper answered, “Well, yes and no. There was a pair of sneakers you guys tossed, but they didn’t belong to Serious. Those were Regular’s sneakers.”

  “Wow, I’m surprised you remember them,” said Hermione.

  Kreeper shrugged and replied, “I’ve good reason to remember them. First of all, they were stolen from Regular and I helped my master steal them back. Secondly, they’re only the best pair of sneakers in the whole world!”

  “Who stole them from Regular?”

  “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Smelled.”

  She was shocked. That meant the sneakers were The Sneakers! To confirm it, she asked, “Then they were L.A. Gear sneakers?”

  Kreeper affirmed, “Yes.”

  Hermione excitedly asked, “You didn’t happen to take them out of the trash, did you?”

  Kreeper rolled his eyes and said, “Well, duh! Yeah, they’re light up footwear! Of course, I took them.”

  Harry and Ron waited breathlessly, their hearts were in their throats. The sneakers weren’t plain ordinary sneakers. They were light-up sneakers! They were L.A. Gear light-up sneakers! They were The Sneakers. And Kreeper had them!

  Hermione asked, “Do you still have them?”

  “No.”

  With just one word, all their enthusiasm deflated like an untied balloon.

  Kreeper added, “That stinkin’ Frommundigus Filcher stole them from me.”

  And suddenly, there was hope once more.

  Hermione immediately suggested, “Harry, send Frommundigus a text, ask him to come here.”

  While they were waiting for Frommundigus to arrive, Hermione looked out the front window. She noticed there was a suspicious-looking man standing in an empty lot across the street. She looked closer, shrieked, and hid behind the curtain.

  Ron asked dumbly, “What?”

  Harry called out, “What’s wrong?”

  Hermione answered, “I think there’s a Fungus Eater outside. Isn’t that the notorious criminal, Yahtzee? One of the ones they broke out of Azcabanana Prison a few years ago?”

  Harry peeked out and then said, “Crap! How did they find out where we are? We haven’t come here in years.”

  Ron said, “Maybe they scout the place every so often to make sure. If they came by last night, wouldn’t they have seen the lights and the television on?”

  Hermione said, “Oh, I feel so stupid! This would have been such a great place to hide while we figure out what to do.”

  Harry said, “Well, it’s not like they can just come in. Remember? There’s spells protecting the place.”

  Hermione said, “What’s going to keep them from busting in?”

  Harry said, “Hmmm. I guess we better reset all the traps just in case.”

  Harry felt his phone buzz. He looked at the message, hoping it was Filcher replying to his earlier text.

  It wasn’t. It was from a fellow Nerd House student, Rusty Pipes. It read:

  So is Elvis really dead?

  Harry got that question a lot. He wasn’t sure why. He thought, “It must be because it was so shocking for everyone. Other people are having as much trouble believing it as I did.”

  Harry quickly texted back:

  Yes, definitely. Was @ his viewing and funeral.

  Just then, Frommundigus Filcher arrived. He abberated into the living room.

  Filcher was a filthy homeless man who never did an honest day’s work in his life. He was a petty thief always looking for a way to make a galley or save one. It was said that he was not born, but had crawled out from under a rock. Others said, ‘Frommundigus’ referred to his cheese. However, from under what part of the body the cheese came, was disputed by the other members of the Order of the Harry Putter Fan Club. Despite all of his hardships and lack of resources, the homeless man seemed to exude an unmistakable air of superiority. They had often commented on how Filcher for some stuck-up reason thought he was better than everyone else.

  Ron raised his voice, “Filcher, you ought to be ashamed of yourself! You…”

  Hermione clamped her hand over Ron’s mouth and put her finger to her lip to shush him.

  Kreeper scowled at the sneaky thief.

  Harry said, “Thanks for coming, Frommundigus. We were just wondering something. Do you remember a pair of sneakers from when we were cleaning this place up a few years ago.”

  Filcher nervously said, “Hmm. Not sure. Could you describe ‘em?”

  Harry said, “L.A. Gear. Light up ones.”

  Kreeper accused, “The ones you stole, Filcher! Remember? You stunned me and ran away with them!”

  Frommundigus stuck a finger in the collar of his robe to loosen it from his throat. He seemed to shrink a little as he said, “Oh, uh, those sneakers.”

  Hermione asked, “Where are they?”

  Filcher bit his lip, thought for a moment, and replied, “If I remember correctly, I sold them about a year ago. Yes, that’s right. I was having a yard sale, and I remember a funny-looking fellow bought them. He had a big nose and…”

  Harry said, “C’mon, Filcher! You don’t have a yard to have a yard sale.”

  Hermione asked, “Where are they?”

  Filcher answered, “I don’t know. Someone stole them from me.”

  Hermione asked, “Who?”

  Frommundigus said, “Her name’s … Trollores Underbridge
.”

  Trollores Underbridge was Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s preschool teacher. She was a troll and loved children – that is, she loved to eat children. The class had gotten considerably smaller as the year went by. Of course, she was no longer at Hogwashes, she was now working at the Ministry of Magic.

  Harry asked, “Trollores Underbridge! Why would she steal them? They wouldn’t even fit her! You’re lying again, aren’t you?”

  The thief answered, “Oh, come on, would I lie to you, Harry?”

  Putter snorted, “Pffft! Of course, you just did a second ago.”

  The homeless man indignantly said, “Well, I’m not lying now.”

  Hermione asked, “Do you mean the woman who is Head of the Department of Transportation and Tolls?”

  Filcher answered, “See! Your friend’s heard of her. That proves I wasn’t making it up.”

  Harry reasoned, “It doesn’t prove she stole your sneakers. How do you even know her?”

  Frommundigus answered, “We’re both members at the same gym. She was admiring my light-ups one day. And, after I had taken a shower, they were gone.”

  Harry asked, “Wait. You took a shower and when you got back they were gone? And you think that means she stole them?”

  “Absolutely. I knew she was bad the moment I first saw her. You should have seen the gleam in her wicked beady eyes. She wanted them for herself. I know it was her that took ‘em.”

  Ron reasoned, “But that means she would have had to have gone in the men’s locker room to steal them while you were showering? Right?”

  “Well, actually, I was showering at the water fountain. They won’t let me in the men’s shower anymore.”

  Ron asked, “Why not?”

  Hermione cried out, “Ugggh, Ron. Do you really want to know the answer to that?”

  “Oh, uh, I guess not,” Ron answered.

  With a note of worry evident in her voice, Hermione pled, “Frommundigus, please, just tell me you don’t go to ‘The Palatial Pilates Palace’ in Hogsbreath.”

  “Yes, that’s the very one!”

  She groaned.

  Harry threatened, “If you’re lying to me, Filcher, I’m going to … why, I’ll get the rest of the Harry Putter Fan Club on you! And let’s face it, neither of us knows just what that means!”