Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Read online

  Finally, the motorcycle tire began to grip the road and the bike surged forward through the red traffic light. Fortunately, Hasbeen was able to avoid a collision with a car crossing his path. The SUV blasted through the red light, following the motorcycle and side car.

  There was a final exchange of spells between He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Smelled and Harry, and then Hasbeen pulled far enough away to prohibit more dueling. Soon, he was able to shake their pursuit. They were safe for the moment.

  Chapter 3 – Everything Comes to a Boil

  Harry and Hasbeen were first to arrive at the Boil. Ron’s parents heard the loud motorcycle and rushed out the door in order to meet them. However, they were a bit surprised to see Harry alone. Cubious Hasbeen had departed, his bike accelerating thunderously down the avenue considerably far away from them already.

  Molly Cheesley had always been a sort of a surrogate mother to Harry. She was the short, plump, and frumpily-dressed mother of so many Cheesley children that Harry always lost count. Being a mom was what Molly did best. She had assisted Harry numerous times since the first time they had met, when she helped him get to the elusive train station area Platform p (Pi) in preschool. She had hair so orange it always reminded Harry of the rind of Muenster cheese.

  Arthur Cheesley had curly nuclear-orange hair. It almost seemed to glow. Ron’s father works in the Ministry of Magic. For a long time he was in the Department of Muddle Artifacts. However, recently he had been promoted to head of the Office for the Detection of Evil Objects that No One Can See or Touch. It was about as cushy a job one could possibly find.

  Every so often, the Minister of Magic, Dufus Dimeeyore, would walk into his office. All Arthur had to do was get up to greet his boss and then exclaim, “Watch out, you almost knocked over the Poisonous Cup of the Villain Iago!” or some other such nonsense. He’d pretend to catch the falling object before it hit the ground, dust if off a bit, and place it back on an invisible shelf.

  Dufus always fell for it. He’d nervously excuse himself saying, “I’m so sorry! I see you’re quite busy here, uh … detecting things. Keep up the good work. Sorry to have bothered you. Please, go back to what you were doing.”

  Later, Dimeeyore would wonder how he could have bumped into an object that no one could touch. However, he always got so flustered when it happened, that he felt like a bull in a china shop. He immediately excused himself and so remained baffled. He was always quite glad to have Cheesley around to take care of all the evil intangible objects. The man had profound skills, yet he was not one of those terrible mimes. Dimeeyore made sure Cheesley was well compensated for his extensive knowledge and extraordinary abilities.

  One look at the parents, and it was easy to see why all the Cheesley children had orange hair. Between the two, there was probably no other color available in their genes. They also seemed to have a lock on the nerd gene. One had only to look at them to see what house at Hogwashes they had belonged to back in their day. There was a clumsy, goofy, good nature to the Cheesley parents and most of their household.

  One other common trait the Cheesleys all shared was the deficiency of their magic powers. While they were full-blooded wizards, their abilities were pathetic. The household was elfless. That is, they attracted no elven servants because their magical abilities were so weak that elves weren’t interested in serving them. And they suffered for it. In the wizarding community, they were the butt of many jokes and never taken seriously.

  Ginny ran past her parents and latched onto Harry in a tremendous hug. She said, “Thank God, you’re alright!” She showered his face with kisses until her disapproving father pulled her away.

  Molly noticed how pale Harry looked and worriedly asked, “Where’s all my babies! Why aren’t they here yet? Are they alright?”

  Harry was a little surprised that he and Hasbeen were first to arrive. However, then he realized the big man had driven rather fast to escape their pursuing enemy. Fearing for his life, the giant oaf had driven his motorcycle like a madman. Furthermore, he barely slowed down outside the Cheesley home to toss Harry and his suitcase off the bike and onto the strip of lawn outside the front gate to the Boil as he drove past without fully stopping. The rolling suitcase had opened up and Harry’s things were scattered in front of the fence. Harry thought he could still hear the loud engine’s roar in the distance as Hasbeen continued to hasten away from them.

  Harry brushed some bits of grass from his shirt as he replied, “I’m sure they’ll all be here soon.”

  Molly snorted, “Hmmph, I need a drink!” She went back inside, presumably to get one.

  Just then, Harry heard the distinct clip-clop of approaching hooves upon the street pavement. Harry and the remaining Cheesleys turned and saw three centaurs approaching with Harry’s transmogrification teacher, Mrs. McGooglesnot, Kingsley Shuckthecorn, and “facsimile” Harry.

  McGooglesnot from the back of her centaur, cried out, “What a disaster! How did I ever get involved in this mess?”

  Shuckthecorn nodded silently in agreement to her assessment of the situation.

  Arthur asked, “What happened?”

  McGooglesnot dismounted and answered, “We were attacked! That’s what happened!”

  “By the Fungus Eaters. They ambushed us en route,” Shuckthecorn added.

  Harry exclaimed, “Me too! Hasbeen and I were attacked by Vermintail and Lord Moldyfart himself! They even killed Hedbutt, my goat!”

  Tears welled in Harry’s eyes now that he had a moment to finally take in the fact that his loyal friend, and the deliverer of his mail, was indeed dead. Not only that, but Harry would not even have the chance to give his friend a decent burial. His body was probably still lying in the street. Poor Hedbutt! The goat had lovingly and loyally sacrificed his life to save Harry. Either that or it was just a dumb coincidence.

  McGooglesnot said with derision, “Sure, make it all about you, Putter! I need a drink!” She headed toward the front door.

  “I could do with one myself,” Kingsley said as he followed.

  Harry watched the two centaurs undo the straps holding the disassembled pieces of the dummy on their friend’s back. They tossed the parts unceremoniously to the strip of lawn outside the gate. Then they trotted off without a word of goodbye.

  Harry called after them, “Thanks, guys, uh, … for all your help!”

  Then he got a good look at the misused mannequin. A leg and an arm were no longer attached to the torso. The robe it was wearing happened to have been one of Harry’s best. Not any longer. It looked like it had taken a severe beating. It was frayed, muddy in spots, and dusty in others. It looked like it had been dragged for several miles. There were even two noticeable hoof prints on its back.

  Just then, the mini cooper raced down the avenue and came to a screeching halt in front of the Boil. It was in much worse condition than it had been an hour ago. The rear end had been smashed in. The rear window was shattered. There were several scorched areas, where spells had hit the vehicle and seared the paint. Harry noticed someone’s ankle and foot were crushed in the driver’s side door and hanging outside the car.

  The driver, Rhomulus Loopin, opened his door and clambered out. He staggered a few steps to the gate, opened it, and flopped himself down on the front lawn. He said, “Holy crap!”

  Wrestlemania Trunks opened the passenger side and slid the seat forward to allow Jan and Cindy Cheesley to struggle their way out of the back seat. Jan yanked the Harry imposter from the rear bench and wrenched it angrily through the car door. Harry noticed when she did the pant leg hanging outside the driver’s door disappeared suddenly, and the plastic foot fell and rattled upon the street curb.

  Her movements continued to be quick and angry as she stepped around the car and tossed the imposter on the strip of lawn next to the other mannequin. She briskly went to the front door, yanked it open and yelled, “Mother!”

  Harry took a closer look at the second dummy. One plastic leg was in an inhuman position up around the e
ar and it wasn’t missing one foot, but both of them. The head had a rather large hole blasted through it and the plastic wig hair was burnt and melted in clumps.

  Harry timidly asked, “Errr, is everyone alright?”

  No one answered.

  Wrestlemania Trunks was trying soothingly to coax Cindy Cheesley out of the back of the car. The young Cheesley woman was curled up in a fetal position.

  Molly Cheesley abruptly ran through the front doorway. The screen door slammed against the side of the house. She sobbed and yelled, “My baby!”

  The frumpy housewife was able to eventually coax her daughter from the back of the little car. The stout woman carried her large sobbing child across the lawn and into the Boil. Wrestlemania held the gate and the front door open for them, then followed inside.

  Harry nervously asked Rhomulus, “Heh, maybe you could use a drink?”

  Loopin sighed and said, “Good idea. I’ll have a gin and tonic.”

  He made no effort to move, so Harry felt obligated to fetch his order. A few minutes later, he returned with the drink that Arthur Cheesley had mixed for him. He offered it to Loopin. The man had momentarily drifted off to sleep and startled awake when Harry spoke. Rhomulus sat up and accepted the gin and tonic. He downed it in an instant. He let out a dry sigh and said, “I’ll have another. Make it a double.”

  As Harry was heading back inside to fetch a double, he was surprised when Ron and Hermione suddenly appeared in front of him on the doorstep with a popping noise of displaced air. Hermione’s hand was on Ron’s shoulder. Though their backs were turned to Harry, he recognized his good friends instantly.

  He called out, “Hey, guys!”

  Ron visibly startled and let out a small cry of despair. His wand was already in his hand. Without even looking and before he recognized it was Harry who had snuck up behind him, he quickly turned around and shot off a magical attack. Harry flinched, but the wild spell missed him. The little bolt of electricity hit the mini-cooper several yards behind him, searing a relatively small burn mark in the driver’s side.

  Harry laughed and said, “Oh my God! Ron, look what you did to the car!”

  Ron’s eyes went wide when he saw the damaged vehicle. He looked at his wand and said, “Did I do that? I guess I don’t know my own strength.”

  Like the rest of the Cheesley family, Ron’s magic powers were a mockery to the word ‘powers.’ Ron had the standard Cheesley nuclear orange hair, which was always a mess. He was a big young man with freckles and had become quite handsome as an older teenager. Yet he was a big galumph. He tripped over his own big feet often and broke magic wands with startling frequency. He was obviously still at that awkward teenage phase. As his body had grown, Ron still hadn’t managed to compensate for it. He had been in this clumsy stage for years, and it was beginning to seem like he might never get past it.

  Hermione tittered nervously. In one hand, she held a molded foam rubber arm of “decoy” Harry. Her other arm was looped through the steering wheel of Harry’s John Deere 2000 lawnmower. Harry noticed Ron was holding the dummy’s other arm. The rest of the mannequin was nowhere to be seen.

  Though Hermione had grown up to become a lovely young woman with a beautiful figure, she had a disproportionately large head. The expanse of naturally wavy strawberry-blonde hair, which she wore down to her shoulders, made her head seem even larger. She had bushy eyebrows and more hair upon her cheeks and chin. Her mustache was one that any teenage boy would sport proudly. However, she was not bigheaded about that. More so, she was embarrassed of it and bleached it to make it less noticeable. It really didn’t help a whole lot, if any.

  “Sorry about your tractor, Harry. It didn’t make it,” she said, handing him the steering wheel.

  Harry swallowed as he accepted it and replied, “Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad the two of you are alright.”

  Hermione answered, “We’re fine, but it’s a good thing you weren’t actually with us. There wouldn’t be much left of you.”

  To demonstrate the truth of her statement, she held forth the dummy’s arm, which was singed and still smoldering. Ron held his up too, which was in similar condition.

  Ron blurted out, “We were attacked! Fungus Eaters were all over the place, like flies on jam.”

  Hermione corrected, “More like flies on a dead squirrel!”

  Rhomulus brushed past Harry and muttered, “Never mind, I’ll get my own.”

  However, they all turned when a vehicle skidded to a low screeching halt, skewed right in the middle of the street in front of the Boil. It was an old white delivery van with the logo, “Armond Hammer Plumbing.”

  Fabulous Butterpants hopped out. He cheerfully said, “Hey guys!”

  However, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Loopin simply stared, each of them silently wondering, “What the heck?”

  Fabulous pushed his kangaroo-skin cowboy hat up on his brow a bit and scratched his forehead. He said, “Say, umm, you guys didn’t happen to see them two students, Looney and what’s-his-face?”

  Now everyone was really worried.

  Loopin answered, “Perhaps you should explain what happened to them? After all, they were last seen with you, and you were in charge!”

  Fabulous spluttered nervously for several minutes explaining what happened to him with so many unnecessary words and so much extraneous information.

  “Well, it’s like this. You know how I like to be prepared for whatever comes up? How I keep all sorts of things in my satchel that maybe someone else might not bother to carry with them. For example, look at this.”

  From his leather satchel, he pulled forth a tin of mints. He said, “Now mind you, it may look like mints, but inside, I keep a small supply of animal crackers. Why? Because you never know when you’re going to come across a food emergency! Say someone was a diabetic and hadn’t eaten. Their blood sugar might drop to the point where it was dangerous. Or say there was a sudden snow storm. You might get stuck in it. It’d be a terrible thing to be stuck somewhere without anything to eat for days on end. So I like to be prepared.”

  Harry interrupted and asked, “What does that have to do with …”

  Butterpants interrupted back, “I’m getting there. Anyway, another thing I like to keep in my pocket is one of them little packs of tissues and some hand sanitizer. Let me tell you, those things come in handy. Just this morning, I had a sneezing fit that made me think I might be allergic to something.”

  “Oh c’mon already! What happened?” asked Ron.

  Butterpants continued, “Well, I, that is, I saw one of those ‘Best-One’ convenience stores and figured I should stop and get another package of them little tissues.”

  Hermione interrupted with disbelief in her voice, “You stopped on the way?”

  “Well, yes, but it was only for a minute,” answered the little man.

  When the cowboy paused, Loopin asked, “And?”

  Butterpants finally admitted, “When I come back out, my pickup was gone.”

  “And Neville and Looney?” Loopin asked.

  Fabulous replied, “Last I saw ‘em, they were in the truck.”

  “And the keys to the vehicle?”

  Fabulous sheepishly answered, “I left ‘em in the ignition when I went in the Best-One.”

  Rhomulus blurted out, “You are a complete ...”

  Harry interrupted, “What’s that?”

  There was a ba-bam noise, followed by another, and another. The noise was getting louder, coming closer. They all gazed out at the street and saw Greg and Marsha Cheesley pulling a wobbly broken-down rickshaw. Each time one of the wheels reached a certain point the whole rickshaw lurched, with a noisy ba-bam. The Cheesleys couldn’t manage to pull it in a straight even path, but back and forth down the street. There were wisps of smoke trailing them.

  George Cheesley was slumped down in the back of what was left of the man-pulled carriage. Fred was in the back pushing. They stopped just outside the front gate.

  The exh
austed Cheesleys rubbed their aching arms and shoulders.

  Fred said, “At last. I don’t think I had another spell left in me. I feel like I could sleep for a week.”

  Greg and Marsha were too tired to argue. Greg said, “Let’s just get George inside.”

  Marsha called out to the others, “Give us a hand, guys. He’s hurt.”

  Only then did everyone realize that George’s shoulder and shirt were soaked with blood. Harry, Ron, and Hermione along with Fabulous and Rhomulus all moved to help. Harry noticed the back of the rickshaw had been almost entirely shot out by hundreds of spells. There were even flames still burning feebly in a few spots.

  The group quickly carried George inside so the older adults could examine his wound. Harry, Ron, and Hermione went back outside to wait for the others to arrive. While they were waiting Harry went to the rickshaw and discovered what was left of the mannequin, only his imposter’s head remained. It was no longer attached to a body, and it was charred in several spots. The glasses it once wore were gone, and it had been solidly struck three times by curses and had many other grazes. Harry tossed it on the small pile of parts on the lawn. He wondered what could have happened to the rest of the dummy’s body and his clothes.

  He also decided to pick up the rest of his belongings from the Cheesley’s lawn. As he was doing this, a taxi pulled up. Neville got out and called to Ron, “I need twenty Euros!” Largebottom likely was only carrying galleys – the gold coins that wizard’s use as currency. Ron went inside to get him the needed fare.

  Arthur Cheesley came out and paid the driver. Neville helped Looney Luvnoodle drag the decapitated remains of their version of Harry from the back seat of the cab.

  Arthur said, “Thank God you are both safe. We would have had to kill Butterpants, had anything happened to you. Err, …what did happen to you?”

  Looney told their harrowing tale. As soon as Fabulous went into the convenience store, they were attacked by Fungus Eaters. Neville slid over to the driver’s seat and backed the pickup out. He nearly ran their enemies over and sent them scattering and diving for safety.