Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Read online

  He heard Hermione call out, “Did you find it yet?”

  He couldn’t reply. He tried banging his fist on the floor to alert her to his predicament.

  He heard her shout, “Hurry up already!”

  He was starting to feel numbness in his feet and hands. He thrashed as hard as he could, trying to make enough noise to bring her running up the stairs to his rescue.

  He heard her call out, “What’s taking you? It’s under the mattress!”

  His body was running out of oxygen. He couldn’t move. He felt his muscles relax despite his terror. He felt dizzy and the room began to spin.

  He heard Hermione yell something, but he couldn’t decipher the words. A moment later, he blacked out.

  Hermione muttered to herself, “If you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself.” She tromped up the stairs and thought she heard a noise coming from one of the nearby rooms. When she entered, she saw Snakey wrapped around Harry. Her friend’s lips were already blue and he wasn’t moving.

  She quickly reached into Santa’s sack and pulled out a present. She tore the paper off and excitedly said, “It’s just what I wanted!”

  It was a blowgun and snake-tranquilizing darts.

  Harry felt something tickling his lips and an undeniable urge to cough. He coughed and spluttered back to life. He heard Hermione say, “Thank God!” He felt her weight upon him as she hugged him tight. His chest ached.

  He coughed again and hoarsely croaked, “Ow, get off!”

  She let go and kissed him on the mouth. He felt it again, the tickle of her mustache on his upper lip. He felt the wetness of a teardrop on his cheek. It was hers. She slowly drew her lips away from his and he tasted the salt of her tears.

  She whispered, “Thank God, you’re alive.”

  He suddenly remembered and realized what had just happened. He had died. There had been a floating sensation and a dark tunnel. He had seen a small crowd of shining people made of golden light beckoning to him. Though he didn’t recognize their faces, he instinctively knew who they were – his mother, his father, and his uncle. He also saw and recognized the faces of people he did know: Elvis Grumblesnore, Cedric Biggleby, Dufus Dimeeyore, Nurse Pomfrite, Mad Dog Hooty, Frommundigus Filcher, Gandulf-the-Off-White, and his goat, Hedbutt. They were all standing on a small boat, except for Mad Dog Hooty. He was on the shore and was being beaten with a long oar by a skinny old man.

  Harry heard Mad Dog yelp and get on the boat as the man with the oar wanted him to do. When Harry approached, the skinny old man held out his hand expectantly.

  Harry, like a gentleman, shook it.

  The oarsman bonked Harry on the forehead with his long wooden paddle. He said, “One galley, Dipstick!”

  Harry checked his robes, but couldn’t find any money.

  The skinny old man bonked him on the head again and said, “Then kisses off, Landlubber!”

  That’s when Harry woke from his dream.

  He whispered, “I see dead people.”

  Hermione asked, “What?”

  “Oh, nothing,” Harry asked, “Did you find The Master List?”

  “It’s in your hand.”

  Harry looked. Slightly worse for the wear of having been squeezed tight in Harry’s fist, there was a crumpled up piece of paper – The Master List.

  Chapter 11 – Christmas List

  They were still in Moldyfart’s mansion because there was more work to be done. However, Harry had rested a bit from his deadly ordeal and had a snack – a bowl full of Cereal Killers. With the way that the breakfast cereal carried on as he mercilessly ate it, Harry felt a little like a Cereal Killer.

  Afterward, Harry read The Master List aloud to Hermione:

  leftover popcorn

  Shameonus Finnigan

  leftover Ben and Jerry’s ice cream

  leftover Raisinettes

  The kitchen sink

  my NASCAR racing bed

  the barcalounger

  Frozen Dairy Desert Cookbook – destroyed by Putter!

  my 3-D glasses

  glamour shot picture of beautiful me

  Giant Abominable Snowman - big mistake

  Sandcastle – also bad

  An unbreakable comb

  my old school lunchbox

  Snakey

  My pair of light-up sneakers – still missing

  flux capacitor

  a needle in a haystack

  The Holy Grail

  my nose

  The Moaning Lisa

  The Declaration of Independence

  Ellis Island

  Harry asked, “So how do we destroy the kitchen sink? Clog it up?”

  Hermione asked in return, “Really, out of all these, that’s the one you’re worried about?”

  “Well, yeah, I know the others are bad too. I mean, really bad. What I meant was we have to destroy the kitchen sink before we leave. Now’s our big chance.”

  “Hmmm. Just how destroyed does it have to be? I suppose for good measure, we’d better completely melt it down to slag. That should be at about 1500 or 1600 degrees Celsius. That’s not going to happen here, unless we burn the place down.”

  Harry laughed and jokingly asked, “Got any matches?”

  “Sorry, Harry, we’d likely set the whole neighborhood on fire. We’re just going to have to remove it and take it with us to destroy later.”

  “Well, that leaves only one question.”

  Hermione rose to the bait, “What?”

  Harry answered, “Do we turn the water off first, or leave it running?”

  Hermione shrugged and said, “Actually, I’ve got a lot of questions. First of all, is this list for real?”

  Harry replied, “Didn’t you hear the barcalounger? Didn’t you see it try and run away from you? That barcalounger had a piece of someone’s soul in it.”

  Hermione sighed, “Yeah. I know. I just don’t want this list to be true. Some of these are going to be impossible to destroy. I mean, c’mon, Ellis Island? How do we destroy an island? We don’t have a nuclear arsenal and we couldn’t really nuke it even if we did.”

  Harry shrugged.

  Hermione added, “And just how did he make The Moaning Lisa and the Declaration of Independence into hoaxcrocks?”

  Harry shrugged.

  “And what the heck is a flux capacitor?”

  Harry shrugged.

  “Does The Fart Lord really think that an unbreakable comb can’t be destroyed?”

  Harry shrugged.

  “And isn’t it odd? Grumblesnore left us two of these items in his will – The Moaning Lisa and Ellis Island. That can’t be coincidental. How could he have known about them? And why did he leave the sword to you Harry? It’s not on the list. If he were being consistent, he probably should have left you the Holy Grail.”

  Harry winked and said, “I’ve got my best person on it. She’s a genius. She’ll figure it all out.”

  Hermione sighed, “Thanks, I hope so.”

  “In the meanwhile, we need to kill Snakey, chop up and burn the Fart Lord’s bed, and find the “glamour shot,” his comb, his nose, and anything else on the list we can locate.”

  “Don’t forget, we need to pull out the kitchen sink.”

  Harry added, “And find his television remote.”

  “What are you talking about? That’s not on the list.”

  Harry laughed and said, “I know. I just think it would really mess with his head if I were to steal it. He’ll probably have a cow!”

  “You know, I think you might really be the evil one.”

  They returned upstairs and eventually located the glamour shot of Moldyfart. When Harry saw it, he said, “Eww, if any hoaxcrock deserves to be destroyed, this is it!” They chopped up the Fart Lord’s NASCAR racing bed and destroyed the pieces, burning them up in the fireplace.

  However, they had failed to find the unbreakable comb and many other hoaxcrocks on the list. Even though they used our new sponsor’s magic words to the
summoning spell, “Hess Premium Gasoline, Unbreakable Comb,” the summoned item did not appear and apparently was not within the spell’s range.

  Furthermore, Snakey was nowhere to be found. The snake had escaped while they were downstairs. They had missed a golden opportunity to kill the giant anaconda.

  Yet, all in all, it had been a very successful mission. They had destroyed seven hoaxcrocks: the half-eaten tub of popcorn, the leftover Ben and Jerry’s Everything but the Kitchen Sink ice cream, the leftover Raisinettes, Moldyfart’s NASCAR racing bed, his barcalounger, his 3-D glasses, and the glamour shot picture of the Fart Lord. Additionally, they had an eighth, the kitchen sink, packed away in Santa’s sack. Hermione used a powerful summoning spell to wrench out the Fart Lord’s kitchen sink, leaving broken water pipes shooting water throughout the room. She packed it in her magic bag.

  Furthermore, they had obtained a lot of useful information about hoaxcrocks in general. And perhaps most importantly, they now had The Master List.

  Before they left, they spent two hours rearranging all the furniture. And for the finishing touch, Harry stole the television remote.

  An hour after dawn, they locked the front door to Moldyfart’s castle. They stopped back at the Bigshot’s, to return the key to Butthilda. She marveled at their devilish tales of mayhem and destruction. When they were finished, she hugged herself and said, “This is the best Christmas ever! And she wrote down her cell phone number and handed it to Hermione while telling the two, “If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”

  Harry assured her that he would, saying, “When this story’s finished, your husband Benny’s going to have his next big blockbuster on his hands.” Then he slyly asked her, “So, who do you think he’ll get to play your role in the movie? Sandra Bullock? Jennifer Aniston?”

  Her eyes glazed over. She cooed, “Ooh, Scarlett Johansson.”

  They said goodbye and Hermione abberated them back to their camp. They spent much of Christmas Day catching up on their sleep.

  Three days later, Harry felt the scar on his forehead erupt with agonizing pain. He had a vision. Moldyfart had returned home. He placed his suitcase on the floor beside him. He was already livid. Someone had tracked mud on the carpet!

  Harry panicked. If his head hurt this much just for mud on the carpet, his head was going to simply explode when his archenemy saw his home flooded with three days worth of water.

  Holding his head, he whispered to Hermione, “He’s finally back. He just walked in the door.”

  Harry’s vision continued. The Fart Lord was taking a closer look at the muddy footprints. He found something peculiar about them.

  There was a moment of recognition and another burst of outrage and anger. Harry winced and gritted his teeth as pain stabbed into his brain like a knife. He almost wished it were a knife, so that the agony he felt would go away.

  Moldyfart yelled, “Those are from my light-up sneakers! Who’s got my light-ups! Who dares to steal MY light-ups!”

  Harry was really worried now. He knew the worst suffering in his life was moments away.

  And then it arrived. Every nerve-ending in his body screamed out with suffering. His body writhed and he wanted to scream in agony. However, he could not even draw his breath in to yell. Once more, he mercifully fell unconscious.

  Chapter 12 – Silver and Goat

  It was the middle of January, in the brunt of winter. However, the temperature was barely freezing and so the snow was coming down in fat wet clumps. Everything was covered in white and the unnamed woods looked beautiful with every tree adorned with bright snow. The evergreens were especially gorgeous with thick piles of it clasped in their branches.

  Though it was cold out, Harry was dressed in layers and felt pretty comfortable. There had been a few really cold nights – ones where Hermione and he cuddled together to keep warm. Harry had asked her for more blankets, but she said she had already brought out all the ones she had packed.

  However, there was something in the way she had kissed him after saving his life, that made him suspect that she might not be telling him the truth. In many ways, it seemed like they were almost an old married couple. They had fallen into such a daily routine.

  Though they had not made any progress over the past three weeks, Harry knew that Hermione was thinking hard about The Master List. She had done some research on the Internet, finding out as much as she could about The Moaning Lisa, the Louvre Museum, and the Holy Grail. Every so often she’d tell him something new she had learned.

  However, having had such a recent breakthrough in The Quest to Destroy Lord Moldyfart, Harry was eager for more progress. Earlier in the day, he felt apprehensive and crabby because things had slowed down once more. But now that it was finally his turn to wear the light-up sneakers again, he felt much better, even though his boots had been a lot warmer.

  What he really wanted to do was go for a walk and admire the beauty of the freshly covered landscape, the falling snow, and the cool tracks the sneakers left behind in it. However, he knew his feet would freeze if he did, and if he took the light-ups off, he wouldn’t feel like going for a walk any more. He decided he’d simply have to put on a pair of dry socks and warm his feet up near the wood burning stove when he got back.

  When he returned an hour later, Hermione was in a bad mood. After he changed his socks, she complained, “Ugggh, your feet stink! Do you have to put those atrocities inside the sneakers? Can’t you just wear them on your hands or something?”

  Harry sprinkled some more of the foot powder she had given him inside the light-ups. He said, “There, now you can relax.”

  However, she complained about his wet socks, “They smell like two dead skunks. Go hang them outside to dry!”

  Harry was pinning the socks up on their clothesline outside, when he noticed a silver light in the gloom of the overcast afternoon. He watched curiously as the light approached, weaving between the trees. It was a being made of light, not the warm golden light of the spirits in his near death experience. It was a creature formed of a cold silver radiance with highlights of white and shadows of blue and gray. It was a goat. It was a beautiful goat. It seemed oddly familiar. When it got closer still, Harry recognized it. It looked like Hedbutt, only more lovely than Hedbutt had ever been while living. It was the spirit of Hedbutt.

  Harry and the goat stood watching each other for a long moment. Then the silver goat turned around and began picking his way through the trees, wandering back the way he had come. Harry called out, “Wait!”

  But the goat only turned its head back toward Harry for a second before it began walking away again. It appeared as though Hedbutt wanted Harry to follow, so Harry obliged. At first, it seemed he was falling behind and so moved quickly to try and catch up. However, the Spirit of Hedbutt always remained within sight, but well ahead of Putter. And so, he decided not to rush.

  He followed the silver goat for nearly an hour. And even though he was still wearing the light-up sneakers, after a while, Harry was starting to feel tired and cranky. His feet were cold again. His fresh dry pair of socks was wet from trudging through the deep snow. Though he couldn’t smell them, he figured they probably weren’t so fresh anymore. He was weary of hiking and consequently was moving at an even slower pace now. Plus, it was getting to be late afternoon and with the sky still overcast, it was likely to become dark quickly.

  He had half a mind to turn around and go back, when the Spirit of Hedbutt arrived at a small unfrozen pond. Then the creature of light abruptly disappeared.

  Harry groaned and said, “Oh great, lead me to the middle of nowhere and then disappear. You always were a stupid goat!”

  However, Harry surveyed his surroundings. The pond was of fair water and broad. In the midst of it, Harry noticed what he first thought to be a snow-covered tree branch sticking up out of the water, was actually an arm clothed in white samite, that held a fair sword in that hand aloft.

  Just then a damsel appeared. Harry hid behin
d a thick tree. He peeked out, watching to see what would happen.

  “What lady is that?” Harry whispered to himself.

  Then he heard something behind him. He turned and there was Ron. His best friend was holding a half gallon of chocolate chip ice cream, his weapon of choice, which he immediately hid behind his back. Harry was shocked to see him. He cried out, “Ron!”

  His friend answered, “Hey, Harry, ol’ pal.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  Ron replied, “Well, that is, I got to thinking about those light-up sneakers and I felt bad that I left you guys in such a huff. I figured, what the heck, I can just take two turns next time mine comes up. Say, it’s got to be my turn by now, right?”

  Harry had gotten used to only sharing the sneakers with Hermione. He did not want to go back to a three-way share. Plus, Ron was acting very suspiciously, sneaking up on him like that.

  Harry sounded a bit irked as he said, “First things first, Ron. Do you know who that lady is?”

  “Why, that’s the Lady of the Pond,” said Ron; “See how grand this place is? It’s as fair a place as any on earth. Look, she’s headed this way. Hey, maybe if you’re nice to her, she’ll give you that cool sword!”

  The lady was so beautiful that Harry swallowed, then chickened out, “I-I-I don’t want to talk to her! You talk to her! Maybe she’ll give you the sword.” He pushed Ron forward.

  Anon withal came the damsel unto Ron and saluted him, and he her.

  Ron spoke with fluster in his voice, “Err, Ma’am, that is, uh, what sword is that held above the water yonder? I’ve never seen such a sweet, uh, that is, righteous, sword!”

  “Sir Ronald Cheesley, King,” said the damsel, “Behold Excalibur! That is as much to say as Cut-steel. The sword is mine and if ye will give me a gift when I ask it you, ye shall have it.”