The Book of the Year Read online

  NINTENDO▶

  Nintendo made the games for their new console taste disgusting.

  When the Nintendo Switch was released in March, journalists started licking the games after hearing they tasted absolutely foul. Guardian correspondent Alex Hern took a ‘fairly meaty lick’ of the game The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and reported that the cartridge provided a ‘pure, concentrated dose of unpleasantness’. Tech writer Jeff Gerstmann said it tasted ‘like someone poured a bottle of concentrated [new car scent] into my mouth’, and Mike Murphy wrote, ‘It took over an hour for the taste from the cartridge to start receding.’

  Nintendo confirmed that this was deliberate. They made the games cartridges taste disgustingly bitter by coating them in a chemical substance, to stop small children putting them in their mouths and accidentally swallowing them. Paradoxically, this led to far more grown-ups licking the cartridges than would ever have been the case otherwise.

  This ‘bittering agent’, a chemical called denatonium benzoate, is officially listed by the Guinness Book of Records as the most bitter chemical compound known to mankind. It’s non-toxic, but its foul taste has led to its being used in anti-nail-biting treatments, paints, shampoos, antifreeze and animal repellents. Only a few parts per million will do the trick: Bitrex, the company that sells it, says that if you dropped a thimbleful of it into a swimming pool, the whole pool would taste bitter.

  Nintendo confirmed that Mario, their most famous character ever, is no longer a plumber. The website now says Mario ‘seems to have worked as a plumber a long time ago’.

  NORIEGA, MANUEL▶

  The world lost the only military dictator known to have dressed his teddy bears up as soldiers.

  Manuel Noriega (1934–2017), who ruled Panama for six years from 1983 to 1989, and who spent the last 28 years of his life in prison before his death in May, liked to dress his teddy bears up as paratroopers and then installed them on a shelf in his office. They were stationed between his graduation photograph and a bust of Napoleon.*

  Initially a US ally and CIA informant, Noriega was ultimately deemed too erratic to be trustworthy, especially following the assassination of his arch-rival, the famously charismatic, revolutionary doctor Hugo Spadafora. Spadafora’s headless body turned up in a US mailbag in Costa Rica in September 1985.

  Deciding that enough was enough, the US invaded Panama in 1989, but Noriega avoided capture at first by hiding out in an apostolic nunciature, the Vatican’s equivalent of an embassy. The American military responded with Operation Nifty Package, which involved erecting huge loudspeakers outside the building and blasting rock and roll music at it. They even opened a phone line to the public, who called to request tracks like Springsteen’s ‘Born to Run’, Bon Jovi’s ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ and, of course, Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’. Noriega got the not-so-hidden message and surrendered after 10 days.

  In prison, Noriega remained combative. In 2014 he tried to sue the makers of Call of Duty after his grandchildren played it and informed him that he featured as a character. The court ruled against him, so Noriega lives on in Call of Duty at least, where his real-life nickname is also listed: because of his acne scars, he was often referred to as Pineapple Face.

  Noriega always wore red underwear to ward off the ‘evil eye’, according to one of his friends.

  NORTHERN IRELAND▶

  DUP politician Alan Graham once kicked Rihanna off his land when he caught her running through a field of crops.

  This 2011 story became particularly relevant this year as Theresa May – who, during the election campaign, revealed that running through a field of wheat was the naughtiest thing she had ever done – was forced to prop up her government by doing a deal with MPs from Graham’s very own Democratic Unionist Party. Rihanna’s transgression differed from May’s in two ways: first, the singer ran through a field of barley, not wheat; and second, she was topless when she did so. Graham shooed her off his land, and told her to ‘find a greater God’.*

  As DUP politicians were becoming more politically visible across the UK, other comments that they had previously made started to surface. Ian Paisley Jr, for instance, once described himself as being ‘pretty repulsed’ by homosexuality, though he defended himself afterwards on Newsnight by saying he was ‘repulsed by many things’. Trevor Clarke, who lost his seat in the Northern Ireland Assembly at this year’s election, admitted in 2016 that he hadn’t realised HIV could affect heterosexuals until a charity explained it to him. And David Simpson, who retained his seat, famously referred to the phrase ‘It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve’ when speaking out against gay marriage in 2013, although he got the phrase wrong and accidentally said, ‘In the Garden of Eden, it was Adam and Steve’.

  While the DUP was pulling out the stops in Westminster to give Theresa May a viable government, it was unable to form its own in Northern Ireland. The country was entirely without a government for most of the year, after Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness retired (dying shortly afterwards), meaning his political opponent and coalition partner, the DUP First Minister Arlene Foster, also had to step down. All power-sharing talks failed and it was left to the Secretary of State for Northern Ireland to fix things – the ironically named James Brokenshire.*

  NORTHERN LIGHTS▶

  A purple atmospheric phenomenon was discovered. Unfortunately, it was named by the public, so it’s now called Steve.

  Steve was discovered on Facebook, in a photo shared among the Alberta Aurora Chasers, a group of amateur astronomers dedicated to posting shots of the aurora borealis. The phenomenon, originally thought to be a part of the Northern Lights, is not new – it’s just scientists haven’t noticed it until now.

  They’re still not quite sure what it is. Since its discovery last year, the European Space Agency has sent electric field instruments 300 kilometres above the Earth’s surface to test for what it might be. All they do know is that it is definitely not an aurora.

  Scientists suggest that Steve might stand for Strong Thermal Emission Velocity Enhancement. It’s a rather desperate back-to-front justification. The people who named it were actually inspired by a cartoon called Over the Hedge in which a talking squirrel names a hedge Steve.

  In Iceland, police have warned tourists to stop looking at the aurora borealis while driving. Officers reported that they’ve been pulling cars over, suspecting the drivers are drunk, only to find they’re moving erratically because they’re looking at the sky. This behaviour has been dubbed ‘driving under the influence of the aurora’.

  The auroras visible over the UK in mid-September were due to a solar flare ejected from the sun with the power of a billion hydrogen bombs.

  NOSE, PICKING YOUR▶

  Eating bogeys is good for you.

  A study by researchers at universities including MIT and Harvard revealed that ingesting bogeys is good, both for your teeth and your general health. As for snot (the bogey’s more liquidy cousin), this can prevent bacteria from sticking to teeth, as well as boosting the immune system. As a result of the studies, the researchers are working on a synthetic mucus toothpaste and a chewing gum.

  NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS▶

  The owners of a Czech nuclear power plant apologised for trying to hire interns with a bikini competition.

  The company, CEZ, claimed it wanted to ‘promote technical education’ by posting pictures of ten high-school graduates wearing bikinis and hard hats on their Facebook page and asking the public to vote on them. Whoever had the greatest number of likes on her photo would be crowned ‘Miss Energy 2017’ and given a two-week internship. Following a backlash, the company offered all applicants an internship.

  Conversely, this year’s ‘Miss USA 2017’ competition was won by a chemist whose job is to regulate nuclear power plants.

  NUTELLA▶

  Prince Charles supported a plan to sterilise squirrels with contraceptive Nutella.

  The government announced plans to save Britain�
��s native red squirrels – which have suffered a disastrous population collapse after the introduction of grey squirrels – by stealthily sterilising the greys. The chosen method for controlling them, at the moment, is to feed them contraceptive-laced chocolate spread.

  There are currently 3.5 million grey squirrels in the UK, but if they eat the specially treated Nutella deposited around the country, their numbers could be reduced to fewer than 300,000, giving the red squirrel a chance to make a recovery. Prince Charles likes the plan because it doesn’t involve actually slaughtering squirrels, and the UK Squirrel Accord, a pro-red-squirrel pressure group, has been raising money to fund further trials. It’s more media-friendly than the alternative proposed by conservation charity The Wildlife Trusts: recruiting an army of 5,000 people and training them to kill trapped grey squirrels by hitting them on the head.

  America got its first ever Nutella Cafe, which is entered through a door shaped like a Nutella jar. All the dishes are supposedly inspired by Nutella in some way.

  NUTTALL, PAUL▶

  In the General Election, Paul Nuttall found he couldn’t even vote for himself.

  The UKIP leader realised he hadn’t registered to vote in the Boston and Skegness constituency where he was standing. It wasn’t the only trouble he got into: during a by-election campaign in Stoke earlier in the year, Channel 4 News revealed Nuttall didn’t live at the house listed as his ‘permanent address’ on his nomination papers.

  There were policy difficulties, too. When the party announced their proposal to ban full-face veils (in a move aimed at Islamic face coverings), the British Beekeepers’ Association expressed concern, saying beekeepers would clearly need to be exempted. UKIP said the idea they would ban beekeepers’ veils was ‘ridiculous’, and Nuttall was forced to clarify that he wouldn’t ban ‘big hats’ either.

  One poll found that 2 per cent of Christians thought he was the leader most like Jesus Christ (see Surveys). But Nuttall told the Express & Star newspaper his integration policy was more like that of another historical figure: ‘It is a bit like the Gandhi thing – first they laugh at you, then they attack you, and then you win. Unfortunately on this issue we seem to be on the laughing or the mocking phase’.

  Soon after the election, Nuttall resigned, and when asked what was next, said, ‘Holiday. Or if that bar is open, a pint.’

  OBAMA, BARACK▶

  Tuscan authorities banned boar hunting within 3 miles of Barack Obama.

  When Obama went to Tuscany in May, Italian officials prohibited hunting within 3 miles of where he was staying to avoid him being accidentally shot. This wasn’t the only treat that was laid on for him. As he landed in the country, six Eurofighter jets escorted his plane into the airport before he headed to a Tuscan retreat with a 13-car motorcade.

  Since stepping down, Obama’s been making up for holidays he missed out on during his presidency. He started by visiting Richard Branson’s Necker Island in the British Virgin Islands within two weeks of leaving the White House.* He and Branson competed to see whether Obama could learn to kitesurf before Branson learned to foilboard (foilboarding is similar to kitesurfing, except the rider is suspended above the water on a foil – see Yachting). The former president won the competition, successfully travelling 100 metres on his board before his host could do the same.

  He also got to surf at Necker Island – something he hadn’t been allowed to do for eight years. He’d last indulged just a few weeks before taking office, but security guards had then informed him that, for safety reasons, he’d have to take a break until he’d finished governing America.

  Another island that Obama visited was Tetiaroa, an atoll in French Polynesia that was once owned by Marlon Brando. According to the Washington Post, Obama started writing his White House memoir while there. By an odd coincidence, Obama’s first memoir was called Dreams from My Father, while Brando’s was called Songs My Mother Taught Me.

  During the last days of his presidency, as well as commuting the sentence of Chelsea Manning for leaking classified intelligence, Barack Obama also pardoned or commuted the sentences of (among others) John E. Stewart and Jonnie Stewart; Rod Love and Daryll Loveless; and Kunta Redd.

  OBESITY▶

  Instant noodles led to the first obese Siberians.

  The Western lifestyle appears to be permeating the whole world. Even in the far north of Russia, the nomadic herders of the Yamalo-Nenets region now prefer to stay in and have noodles for dinner rather than head out to catch the fish that they used to subsist on. They walk a lot less, too; owing to oil and gas companies encroaching on their land, they herd their reindeer over a much smaller area. All of this has led to the first cases of obesity in this area of the Arctic being documented by researchers.

  Further west, a researcher in Latvia came up with an innovative way to fight obesity. Nauris Cinovics from the Art Academy of Latvia has invented a plate that has crinkles, as well as bulging upwards in the centre, making a relatively thin layer of food look like a large pile. Cinovics suggests people should eat from it with his special cutlery: a knife, fork and spoon that weigh 1.3 kilos each, forcing diners to slow down, and making a meal that usually takes seven minutes last for eleven. Eating slowly is a useful tactic because the brain takes at least 20 minutes to receive the message that we feel full.

  Given that there are now 2.2 billion overweight people on Earth, and that one in ten people on Earth is clinically obese, Cinovics’s innovation seems timely. Obesity is killing more people than traffic accidents, Alzheimer’s and terrorism combined. And it’s not just humans: one in three American pet cats and dogs is overweight. In Thailand, an obese monkey called Uncle Fat hit the headlines when he was caught and put on a diet. He might as well have been called Uncle Lazy, as he didn’t even bother getting food himself, instead persuading minion monkeys to collect it for him.

  House dust was linked to obesity in a study this year – but only in mice, as far as we know. Mouse cells which were exposed to household dust were more likely to become fat cells, and accumulate more fat. Another study found that rats were likelier to become fat after having fizzy water.

  OCEANS▶

  Deep-diving scientists found a penis-shaped worm that shrinks when threatened.

  Australian researchers looked into the abyssal area of the ocean (between 3,000 and 6,000 metres below sea level), searching for new creatures. As well as the worm, they found more than 300 species never before seen, including a faceless fish (which does have a face, it’s just not where you’d expect it to be) and giant anemone-sucking sea spiders. They also came across a herd of sea pigs, a shark whose teeth look like a steak knife, and a shortarse feelerfish (the unflattering name derives from its short anal fin). Their scariest discovery, however, was trash: 200 years’ worth of bottles, PVC pipes, tins of paints and discarded beer cans. (For more rubbish in the ocean, see Plastics.)

  Also to be found in the abyss this year was one of the stars of 2016, Boaty McBoatface.* The remote-controlled underwater vehicle, which lives aboard the altogether less interestingly named RRS Sir David Attenborough research vessel, went on its first ever mission. It dived into the abyssal zone of the Antarctic, testing the currents found in the area known as the Antarctic Bottom Water.

  OLD AGE▶

  Scientists can now predict that an elderly person is going to fall over three weeks before it happens.

  Scientists at the University of Missouri have discovered that by monitoring an elderly person’s gait, they are able to prevent dangerous falls. It’s all to do with walking speeds. When someone starts walking, or getting up from the sofa, more slowly than normal, it indicates something is wrong with them and that the chance of them falling over has increased. If someone slows down by as little as 5.1 centimetres a second, the chances of a fall within three weeks are 86 per cent higher. So the Missouri team came up with a camera sensor system that can be fitted in the homes of the elderly. When the system detects any change in walking patterns it texts relatives and su
pport workers, allowing them to intervene before any mishaps occur.

  If the idea of fitting an elderly person’s house with cameras seems a bit creepy, researchers in Switzerland and Italy have been working on an alternative option – fitting your loved one with a robotic exoskeleton. The prototype device, called the Active Pelvis Orthosis, increases older people’s leg force by 20 to 30 per cent. The device straps on around the waist and thighs, and is designed to measure the wearer’s gait. By doing so it can detect an oncoming fall, and use a motor to adjust their leg position to a non-slip stance. The devices may be in use in nursing homes within 10 years.

  A new French service called Lou Papé has been launched that sends a grandmother to your home to cook you a meal. She will also do the washing-up. All the grandmothers are guaranteed to be at least 58 years old.

  A centenarian from Manchester, Arthur Johnson, has been awarded free beer for life after the landlord of his local pub promised it to him at the age of 93, if he made it to 100. He is now making the most of it.

  OLDEST AGE▶

  The last person to have been born in the 19th century died this year in northern Italy. She lived through 90 Italian governments.

  Emma Morano, the world’s oldest person, died aged 117. The secret of her long life seems to have been ‘routine’: she spent 42 years of her life sewing potato sacks. For almost 100 years she ate two raw eggs a day, had pasta and raw meat for lunch, and had a glass of milk for her dinner. She said her longevity was due to two things: firstly, the raw eggs, and secondly, staying single after kicking out her abusive husband in 1938.