The Book of the Year Read online

  When Marine Le Pen wanted to ring and concede the election to Emmanuel Macron, nobody had his number. Eventually one of her aides had to get it by ringing a talk-show host.

  FROGS▶

  Scientists discovered a glow-in-the-dark frog.

  The polka-dot tree frog (Hypsiboas punctatus) lives in Argentina and is the first naturally fluorescent amphibian ever seen. Scientists aren’t sure why it glows; they guess it could be to help the frog communicate.

  Elsewhere in South America, scientists in Ecuador identified a new species of glass frog, so named because many are partially transparent. Hyalinobatrachium yaku is so clear that you can see its heart beating through its chest, and its bladder is transparent, too. The new species was (sort of) discovered on Facebook. It was first caught in 1998, but was left in a glass jar and forgotten, until the scientist who first found it spotted photos his colleagues had posted of identical specimens they’d picked up. Scientists suggest that being see-through might help the frog hide from predators or save energy. Sadly, even though the frog was identified only this year, it is endangered already, because its habitat is threatened by oil drilling.

  A third of the world’s amphibian species are either in decline or recently extinct. This is bad news not only for frogs but also for humans, as the animals can often have medical uses. It’s just been discovered, for instance, that some South Indian frogs may have life-saving snot (see also Nose, Picking Your). There’s a chemical in their bogeys which can kill some influenza viruses. This means they can’t catch the flu, and their snot could possibly be turned into medicine for humans.

  Scientists in Turkey published their new discovery that frogs hitchhike on the backs of water buffalo for warmth (and to eat flies on the buffalo). Nobody has ever seen amphibians exhibiting this kind of relationship with large mammals before. Most of the buffalo observed had between two and five frogs on their back, although one was coated in 27.

  Scientists recently discovered a frog which startles would-be predators by flashing its bright orange groin at them – nobody has thought of any medical applications yet.

  FYRE FESTIVAL▶

  The Fyre music festival was criticised for, among many other things, having no music.

  Created by rapper Ja Rule and entrepreneur Billy McFarland, the Fyre Festival was meant to be the ultimate elite music-festival experience for rich millennials. Addressing staff before the festival opened, Ja Rule made a toast to ‘living like movie stars, partying like rock stars, and f***ing like porn stars’. Ticket holders also looked forward to sleeping in luxury tents and eating gourmet food on a private island in the Bahamas.

  Instead, attendees reported sleeping in disaster-relief tents, eating cheese sandwiches from polystyrene boxes, fighting each other for the island’s inadequate supply of water and electricity, dodging packs of feral dogs, and crying for rescue via their social media channels.

  Following the disaster, the festival organisers published an apology on their website saying, ‘We thought we were ready … but then everyone arrived.’

  One group who didn’t arrive were 90s rockers Blink-182 who were booked to play but pulled out the day before the festival. Lead singer Matt Skiba credited himself with the disaster. ‘I consider myself a pagan and a witch,’ he said. ‘With every inch of my energy I wanted Fyre not to happen. I put all the electricity and energy in my body against that thing happening.’

  In answer to a question on the refund application form sent out to all ticket holders, 81 per cent of the initial responders said despite all this, they would like to attend Fyre Festival 2018.

  GAMBIA▶

  The new president of Gambia once worked as a security guard in a north London branch of Argos.

  After his victory, Adama Barrow almost didn’t get to take office. The previous incumbent, Yahya Jammeh, initially refused to accept defeat, arguing that the decision should be left to the country’s judges. This was a smart move on his part, given that he had sacked most of them the previous year, leaving an insufficient number to form a ruling panel. Eventually, though, he did agree to go, but not before he is alleged to have taken $50 million from the country’s coffers. On the plus side, he wrote to Barrow, who worked at the Holloway Road Argos while studying in London, magnanimously allowing him to keep all the rice that was growing in his fields.*

  Gambia’s elections are organised according to a unique marble-based voting system. As the country’s literacy rate is low, voters are given a marble instead of a voting slip. They vote by putting their marble into a barrel painted with the colours of the party they support. As the marble drops into the barrel it automatically rings a bicycle bell – so there’s no way you can sneak two marbles in without polling officers hearing. To avoid confusion, bicycles are banned from the vicinity of polling stations. In the last elections, only two invalid votes were cast, by voters who balanced their marbles on top of one of the barrels instead of putting them inside.

  GAME OF THRONES▶

  There is a new world record for ‘most stuntmen on fire at the same time’.

  This year, the seventh season of Game of Thrones included one battle which featured half of all the stunt performers in the UK, and most of them were set on fire.

  Emmy-winning stunt coordinator Rowley Irlam said that by igniting 20 actors at one time, the programme makers beat the 13 burning actors in Saving Private Ryan and the 18 people partially burned in Braveheart. They also beat the record for the total number of people set on fire in a single episode, managing 73, but stressed that all the horses shown on fire were fake. Showrunner David Benioff told Entertainment Weekly, ‘Our stunt coordinator really wanted to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for this.’ Unfortunately they won’t make it into the book, as Guinness doesn’t recognise the record.

  Those who are particularly interested in Game of Thrones can now study a history course at Harvard inspired by the show. Not to be outdone, Berkeley University introduced a course called ‘The Linguistics of Game of Thrones and the Art of Language Invention’, where students can learn the fictional language of Dothraki.

  Ha vilajerosh ki ador shor tawakof, see IKEA.

  GIBRALTAR▶

  Spain deliberately stationed its most inexperienced police officers at the border with Gibraltar.

  This was the claim made by Joseph Garcia, Gibraltar’s deputy chief minister, who said Spain had posted rookie police officers on purpose at the territory’s border to cause traffic jams. He believes Spain uses traffic jams as a ‘political weapon’ against Gibraltar.

  Gibraltar was a hot topic this year. Police even had to escort two passengers off a plane for arguing about the territory, following discussion in the media over whether Gibraltar should have to leave the EU along with the rest of Britain. But at least the altercation didn’t lead to war. The last time that seemed even remotely likely was in 2002 when Britain invaded Spain. Accidentally. Admiral Lord West, then First Sea Lord, revealed this year that during a military training exercise a group of marines charged up a beach in what they thought was Gibraltar, only to discover that they were actually in Spain’s La Linea. West received a call from his military commander saying, ‘Sir, I’m afraid something awful’s happened … I’m afraid we’ve invaded Spain, but we don’t think they’ve noticed.’ Retreat and apologies swiftly followed.

  A former Miss World became mayor of Gibraltar in April. When Kaiane Lopez won Miss World in 2009, all government employees got to go home at 3.30 p.m. to celebrate, and the government requested that all businesses close between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m.

  GLACIERS▶

  Switzerland is trying to save its glaciers with fake snow.

  The theory is that if you spray enough machine-made ‘snow’ over a square kilometre of glacier, the sunlight will be reflected back, dramatically slowing the rate at which the glacier melts. The Swiss have now tried this approach on a small test glacier, and if the results are encouraging the government might buy 4,000 snow machines to spray snow over the
larger Morteratsch Glacier. It will take an enormous amount of effort: turning all the machines on would use 8,000 litres of water every second. But if it works, the Morteratsch Glacier could grow 800 metres longer in 20 years.

  This isn’t the only strange method being tried to save Swiss glaciers. The Rhône Glacier – the oldest in the Alps – is now covered in white blankets each year to slow its melt rate. Even so, its ice is 350 metres less thick than it was in the mid 19th century, and the blankets are a temporary solution at best.

  Meanwhile, in India, a court ruled that it was granting Himalayan glaciers legal personhood (along with some rivers), meaning anyone harming them can be sued. But the prognosis for most glaciers remains grim. The US Glacier National Park in Montana now has just 26 glaciers left – in the 19th century, it had 150. Many more will disappear soon: there aren’t enough snow machines in the world to save them.

  GLITTER▶

  Australians were told not to put glitter on their ballot papers.

  The country held a plebiscite on marriage equality, conducted via postal ballot. Gay rights campaigners argued the process favoured a negative result, since if the survey returned a ‘Yes’ to gay marriage, MPs would still be free to vote against it, and if it returned a ‘No’ to gay marriage, the bill wouldn’t be put to parliament at all.

  In protest, social media campaigners encouraged people to put glitter bombs in the envelopes along with their ‘Yes’ votes.* The Australian Bureau of Statistics, which organised the vote, immediately advised against this. The statistician running the plebiscite said that envelopes containing ‘extraneous material’ risked spoiling the ballots, and glitter would be especially problematic because it could break the scanning machines.

  While statisticians were advising against putting glitter in envelopes, doctors were advising against putting it in vaginas, after a product called ‘Passion Dust’ appeared online. It’s a glitter-filled capsule designed to be inserted in the vagina, where it gradually dissolves and spills its contents. According to the website, this generates a sweet-flavoured, sparkly substance called ‘magicum’ that will liven up the user’s sex life. Multiple gynaecologists strongly advised against using the product, saying it could lead to bacterial infections, thrush and inflammation.

  Another, less harmful, product available to buy online is the world’s glitteriest glitter. It was manufactured by an artist called Stuart Semple as part of an ongoing colour war between him and fellow artist Anish Kapoor. The feud began when a British manufacturer developed the world’s ‘blackest black’, so dark that only 0.035 per cent of light reflects off it. Kapoor snapped up the rights to use it, making him the only artist who can paint with it. Furious that a single artist would ‘copyright’ a colour, Semple retaliated by creating the world’s ‘pinkest pink’ paint and putting it on sale to everyone except Anish Kapoor. To buy it, you had to promise that ‘You are not Anish Kapoor, you are in no way affiliated to Anish Kapoor, [and] you are not purchasing this item on behalf of Anish Kapoor.’

  Unfortunately for Semple, Kapoor did get his hands on it, and announced the news in a restrained and adult way: by releasing a photo with his middle finger coated in the pink. Semple retaliated by inventing a substance he dubbed the world’s ‘glitteriest glitter’. Again, he states on his site that the glitter is available to anyone, except Anish Kapoor.

  GLOW-IN-THE-DARK▶

  For the Canadian currency, see Coins; for the Argentinean amphibian, see Frogs.

  GNOMES▶

  Meth addicts in New Zealand stole garden gnomes to feed their addiction.

  It’s been a good year for gnomes. After reports in 2016 that the garden gnome was becoming endangered, with only five million left in the UK, vendors reported a resurgence in gnome-buying. Online sales were up by 42 per cent at the beginning of spring, Asda had sold almost 100,000 by April, and eBay was shifting at least 20 of its more niche gnomes every day – including nudist gnomes, homeland security gnomes, and a very popular ‘Game of Gnomes’ range.

  Google jumped on the bandwagon by announcing Google Gnome as an April Fool’s Day prank. It was claimed that Google Gnome would live in your garden and tell you about the temperature, control your garden hose, report which way the wind was blowing, and impart stark realities to your children: ‘Really, we’re all compost if you think about it,’ Google Gnome informed a young boy in the promotional video. ‘Almost everything is made up of organic matter, and will return to organic matter.’

  Of course, as soon as an item’s popularity rises, it becomes catnip for criminals. New Zealand’s Sergeant Cam Donnison announced that meth addicts were stealing gnomes and selling them on the black market to fund their narcotic habits. And a survey in Britain found that 80 per cent of British gnome owners had had at least one gnome nicked in the last five years.

  A Cheshire man was told by his local council to remove his roadside ornament, a gnome that has its trousers lowered. The council said Laurence Perry’s gnome, whose bottom lights up at night, could distract motorists.

  GOALKEEPERS▶

  Sutton United’s goalie lost his job for eating a pie during a match, only to get a new job as a food taster for a Tex-Mex restaurant.

  Known as the ‘Roly Poly Goalie’, Wayne Shaw was non-league football club Sutton United’s 20-stone substitute goalkeeper, plastic-pitch caretaker and unofficial community liaison officer. He lived 80 miles from Sutton, and so often had to sleep at the ground on a sofa when he couldn’t get home at night. Because of his considerable girth, he put up with years of chants of ‘who ate all the pies’ from opposing fans, and so when Sutton United faced Arsenal in the FA Cup, it was no surprise that he was pictured eating a pasty on the substitute bench.

  That pasty proved to be his downfall. It turned out that one bookmaker had offered odds of 8–1 that the cameras would catch him eating on the bench. Shaw admitted that he was aware of the novelty bet but didn’t place any money himself, instead eating the pie as ‘a bit of banter’. Either way, by the end of the week he had lost his job.

  Unfortunately for Sutton United, their first-team goalkeeper was injured in the course of the next game. With no substitute on hand, the team had to send defender Simon Downer into goal. Wayne, meanwhile, found himself a new job – as a taster for Chimichanga Tex-Mex restaurant, where he successfully completed the ‘Tombstone Challenge’, eating a huge pile of ribs, wings and beans in record time.*

  GODFATHER▶

  A Sicilian archbishop banned Mafia members from becoming godfathers.

  Archbishop Pennisi of Monreale decreed that no Mafia members attending baptisms should be allowed to take on the role of a child’s spiritual guide.

  Pennisi is trying to reclaim the word ‘godfather’ for the Church, saying it has lost its religious respectability. He made the move after learning that a parish priest in the town of Corleone (which inspired the surname of the fictional mob family in The Godfather) made a Mafia boss his niece’s godfather.

  GODFATHER: PART II▶

  The number of Mafia members arrested while working in pizza restaurants has risen to three.

  This year a fugitive Mafia boss, believed to be the brains behind an international cocaine and heroin-smuggling ring, was arrested while working as a pizza chef in Geneva. But he was by no means the first Mafia boss to have fled to work in a pizza parlour. In 2015, Pasquale Brunese, alleged to be from the Camorra clan, was arrested while working as a waiter in a pizzeria in Valencia. And last year, 73-year-old Rocco Gasperoni, of the notorious ’Ndrangheta Mafia, was found working as a pizza cook in the Dutch seaside town of Scheveningen. Gasperoni’s neighbours in the Netherlands said they were really annoyed at his arrest, as he made the best pizza in the area.

  Mafia work isn’t all cocaine, heroin and pizza. In February, 12 people with links to the Mafia were arrested in Rome, suspected of being involved in a crime ring that shipped cheap olive oil to the USA and relabelled it ‘extra virgin’ along the way.

  Suspected Mafiosi re
cently arrested include men nicknamed ‘Paulie Roast Beef’, ‘Joey Glasses’ and ‘Mamma’. Late last year, police found ‘Mamma’ hiding behind a cupboard in his own house.

  GODFATHER: PART III▶

  Monkeys in Indonesia have developed a Mafia-style protection racket.

  Long-tailed macaques living at a temple on the island of Bali have come up with an ingenious form of extortion. First they grab valuables from visiting tourists, then they run to the temple staff, who offer them snacks to drop the swag so it can be returned. They’ve stolen hats, cameras, jewellery, phones and even sunglasses right off people’s faces.

  The monkeys seem to have been learning from their predecessors, as the crimes have been happening for thirty years. But it hasn’t made it elsewhere: this is the only place in the world where human–monkey bartering is known to happen. Some monkeys with more valuable items wait to be offered more food to drop the goods; some demand particular foods and reject others.

  It’s a phenomenon that has been reported anecdotally for years, but this year is the first time scientists have studied it properly, when a team from the University of Lethbridge in Canada visited and published their findings. It seems as though the monkeys didn’t want the findings to be made public. Primatologist Fany Brotcorne told New Scientist, ‘The monkeys were always trying to steal my hat, my pen, even my research data.’