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  CHAPTER IV

  On reaching the tavern, Chichikov called a halt. His reasons for thiswere twofold--namely, that he wanted to rest the horses, and that hehimself desired some refreshment. In this connection the author feelsbound to confess that the appetite and the capacity of such men aregreatly to be envied. Of those well-to-do folk of St. Petersburg andMoscow who spend their time in considering what they shall eat on themorrow, and in composing a dinner for the day following, and who neversit down to a meal without first of all injecting a pill and thenswallowing oysters and crabs and a quantity of other monsters, whileeternally departing for Karlsbad or the Caucasus, the author has but asmall opinion. Yes, THEY are not the persons to inspire envy. Rather,it is the folk of the middle classes--folk who at one posthouse call forbacon, and at another for a sucking pig, and at a third for a steak ofsturgeon or a baked pudding with onions, and who can sit down to tableat any hour, as though they had never had a meal in their lives, andcan devour fish of all sorts, and guzzle and chew it with a viewto provoking further appetite--these, I say, are the folk who enjoyheaven's most favoured gift. To attain such a celestial condition thegreat folk of whom I have spoken would sacrifice half their serfs andhalf their mortgaged and non-mortgaged property, with the foreign anddomestic improvements thereon, if thereby they could compass sucha stomach as is possessed by the folk of the middle class. But,unfortunately, neither money nor real estate, whether improved ornon-improved, can purchase such a stomach.

  The little wooden tavern, with its narrow, but hospitable, curtainsuspended from a pair of rough-hewn doorposts like old churchcandlesticks, seemed to invite Chichikov to enter. True, theestablishment was only a Russian hut of the ordinary type, but it wasa hut of larger dimensions than usual, and had around its windows andgables carved and patterned cornices of bright-coloured wood which threwinto relief the darker hue of the walls, and consorted well with theflowered pitchers painted on the shutters.

  Ascending the narrow wooden staircase to the upper floor, and arrivingupon a broad landing, Chichikov found himself confronted with a creakingdoor and a stout old woman in a striped print gown. "This way, if youplease," she said. Within the apartment designated Chichikovencountered the old friends which one invariably finds in such roadsidehostelries--to wit, a heavy samovar, four smooth, bescratched walls ofwhite pine, a three-cornered press with cups and teapots, egg-cupsof gilded china standing in front of ikons suspended by blue and redribands, a cat lately delivered of a family, a mirror which gives onefour eyes instead of two and a pancake for a face, and, beside theikons, some bunches of herbs and carnations of such faded dustinessthat, should one attempt to smell them, one is bound to burst outsneezing.

  "Have you a sucking-pig?" Chichikov inquired of the landlady as shestood expectantly before him.

  "Yes."

  "And some horse-radish and sour cream?"

  "Yes."

  "Then serve them."

  The landlady departed for the purpose, and returned with a plate, anapkin (the latter starched to the consistency of dried bark), a knifewith a bone handle beginning to turn yellow, a two-pronged fork as thinas a wafer, and a salt-cellar incapable of being made to stand upright.

  Following the accepted custom, our hero entered into conversation withthe woman, and inquired whether she herself or a landlord kept thetavern; how much income the tavern brought in; whether her sons livedwith her; whether the oldest was a bachelor or married; whom theeldest had taken to wife; whether the dowry had been large; whether thefather-in-law had been satisfied, and whether the said father-in-lawhad not complained of receiving too small a present at the wedding.In short, Chichikov touched on every conceivable point. Likewise(of course) he displayed some curiosity as to the landowners of theneighbourhood. Their names, he ascertained, were Blochin, Potchitaev,Minoi, Cheprakov, and Sobakevitch.

  "Then you are acquainted with Sobakevitch?" he said; whereupon the oldwoman informed him that she knew not only Sobakevitch, but also Manilov,and that the latter was the more delicate eater of the two, since,whereas Manilov always ordered a roast fowl and some veal and mutton,and then tasted merely a morsel of each, Sobakevitch would order onedish only, but consume the whole of it, and then demand more at the sameprice.

  Whilst Chichikov was thus conversing and partaking of the sucking piguntil only a fragment of it seemed likely to remain, the sound of anapproaching vehicle made itself heard. Peering through the window, hesaw draw up to the tavern door a light britchka drawn by three finehorses. From it there descended two men--one flaxen-haired and tall, andthe other dark-haired and of slighter build. While the flaxen-hairedman was clad in a dark-blue coat, the other one was wrapped in a coatof striped pattern. Behind the britchka stood a second, but an empty,turn-out, drawn by four long-coated steeds in ragged collars andrope harnesses. The flaxen-haired man lost no time in ascending thestaircase, while his darker friend remained below to fumble at somethingin the britchka, talking, as he did so, to the driver of the vehiclewhich stood hitched behind. Somehow, the dark-haired man's voice struckChichikov as familiar; and as he was taking another look at him theflaxen-haired gentleman entered the room. The newcomer was a man oflofty stature, with a small red moustache and a lean, hard-bitten facewhose redness made it evident that its acquaintance, if not with thesmoke of gunpowder, at all events with that of tobacco, was intimateand extensive. Nevertheless he greeted Chichikov civilly, and the latterreturned his bow. Indeed, the pair would have entered into conversation,and have made one another's acquaintance (since a beginning was madewith their simultaneously expressing satisfaction at the circumstancethat the previous night's rain had laid the dust on the roads,and thereby made driving cool and pleasant) when the gentleman'sdarker-favoured friend also entered the room, and, throwing his cap uponthe table, pushed back a mass of dishevelled black locks from his brow.The latest arrival was a man of medium height, but well put together,and possessed of a pair of full red cheeks, a set of teeth as white assnow, and coal-black whiskers. Indeed, so fresh was his complexion thatit seemed to have been compounded of blood and milk, while health dancedin his every feature.

  "Ha, ha, ha!" he cried with a gesture of astonishment at the sight ofChichikov. "What chance brings YOU here?"

  Upon that Chichikov recognised Nozdrev--the man whom he had met atdinner at the Public Prosecutor's, and who, within a minute or two ofthe introduction, had become so intimate with his fellow guest as toaddress him in the second person singular, in spite of the fact thatChichikov had given him no opportunity for doing so.

  "Where have you been to-day?" Nozdrev inquired, and, without waiting foran answer, went on: "For myself, I am just from the fair, and completelycleaned out. Actually, I have had to do the journey back with stagehorses! Look out of the window, and see them for yourself." And heturned Chichikov's head so sharply in the desired direction that he camevery near to bumping it against the window frame. "Did you ever see sucha bag of tricks? The cursed things have only just managed to get here.In fact, on the way I had to transfer myself to this fellow's britchka."He indicated his companion with a finger. "By the way, don't you knowone another? He is Mizhuev, my brother-in-law. He and I were talking ofyou only this morning. 'Just you see,' said I to him, 'if we do not fallin with Chichikov before we have done.' Heavens, how completely cleanedout I am! Not only have I lost four good horses, but also my watch andchain." Chichikov perceived that in very truth his interlocutor wasminus the articles named, as well as that one of Nozdrev's whiskers wasless bushy in appearance than the other one. "Had I had another twentyroubles in my pocket," went on Nozdrev, "I should have won back all thatI have lost, as well as have pouched a further thirty thousand. Yes, Igive you my word of honour on that."

  "But you were saying the same thing when last I met you," put in theflaxen-haired man. "Yet, even though I lent you fifty roubles, you lostthem all."

  "But I should not have lost them THIS time. Don't try to make me outa fool. I should NOT have lost them, I tell you. Had I only played theright card,
I should have broken the bank."

  "But you did NOT break the bank," remarked the flaxen-haired man.

  "No. That was because I did not play my cards right. But what about yourprecious major's play? Is THAT good?"

  "Good or not, at least he beat you."

  "Splendid of him! Nevertheless I will get my own back. Let him play meat doubles, and we shall soon see what sort of a player he is!Friend Chichikov, at first we had a glorious time, for the fair was atremendous success. Indeed, the tradesmen said that never yet had therebeen such a gathering. I myself managed to sell everything from myestate at a good price. In fact, we had a magnificent time. I can't helpthinking of it, devil take me! But what a pity YOU were not there! Threeversts from the town there is quartered a regiment of dragoons, and youwould scarcely believe what a lot of officers it has. Forty at leastthere are, and they do a fine lot of knocking about the town anddrinking. In particular, Staff-Captain Potsieluev is a SPLENDID fellow!You should just see his moustache! Why, he calls good claret 'trash'!'Bring me some of the usual trash,' is his way of ordering it. AndLieutenant Kuvshinnikov, too! He is as delightful as the other man. Infact, I may say that every one of the lot is a rake. I spent my wholetime with them, and you can imagine that Ponomarev, the wine merchant,did a fine trade indeed! All the same, he is a rascal, you know, andought not to be dealt with, for he puts all sorts of rubbish into hisliquor--Indian wood and burnt cork and elderberry juice, the villain!Nevertheless, get him to produce a bottle from what he calls his'special cellar,' and you will fancy yourself in the seventh heaven ofdelight. And what quantities of champagne we drank! Compared with it,provincial stuff is kvass [18]. Try to imagine not merely Clicquot, buta sort of blend of Clicquot and Matradura--Clicquot of double strength.Also Ponomarev produced a bottle of French stuff which he calls'Bonbon.' Had it a bouquet, ask you? Why, it had the bouquet of a rosegarden, of anything else you like. What times we had, to be sure! Justafter we had left Pnomarev's place, some prince or another arrived inthe town, and sent out for some champagne; but not a bottle was thereleft, for the officers had drunk every one! Why, I myself got throughseventeen bottles at a sitting."

  "Come, come! You CAN'T have got through seventeen," remarked theflaxen-haired man.

  "But I did, I give my word of honour," retorted Nozdrev.

  "Imagine what you like, but you didn't drink even TEN bottles at asitting."

  "Will you bet that I did not?"

  "No; for what would be the use of betting about it?"

  "Then at least wager the gun which you have bought."

  "No, I am not going to do anything of the kind."

  "Just as an experiment?"

  "No."

  "It is as well for you that you don't, since, otherwise, you would havefound yourself minus both gun and cap. However, friend Chichikov, itis a pity you were not there. Had you been there, I feel sure you wouldhave found yourself unable to part with Lieutenant Kuvshinnikov. You andhe would have hit it off splendidly. You know, he is quite adifferent sort from the Public Prosecutor and our other provincialskinflints--fellows who shiver in their shoes before they will spend asingle kopeck. HE will play faro, or anything else, and at any time.Why did you not come with us, instead of wasting your time on cattlebreeding or something of the sort? But never mind. Embrace me. I likeyou immensely. Mizhuev, see how curiously things have turned out.Chichikov has nothing to do with me, or I with him, yet here is he comefrom God knows where, and landed in the very spot where I happen to beliving! I may tell you that, no matter how many carriages I possessed, Ishould gamble the lot away. Recently I went in for a turn at billiards,and lost two jars of pomade, a china teapot, and a guitar. Then I stakedsome more things, and, like a fool, lost them all, and six roubles inaddition. What a dog is that Kuvshinnikov! He and I attended nearlyevery ball in the place. In particular, there was a woman--decolletee,and such a swell! I merely thought to myself, 'The devil take her!' butKuvshinnikov is such a wag that he sat down beside her, and began payingher strings of compliments in French. However, I did not neglect thedamsels altogether--although HE calls that sort of thing 'going in forstrawberries.' By the way, I have a splendid piece of fish and somecaviare with me. 'Tis all I HAVE brought back! In fact it is a luckychance that I happened to buy the stuff before my money was gone. Whereare you for?"

  "I am about to call on a friend."

  "On what friend? Let him go to the devil, and come to my place instead."

  "I cannot, I cannot. I have business to do."

  "Oh, business again! I thought so!"

  "But I HAVE business to do--and pressing business at that."

  "I wager that you're lying. If not, tell me whom you're going to callupon."

  "Upon Sobakevitch."

  Instantly Nozdrev burst into a laugh compassable only by a healthy manin whose head every tooth still remains as white as sugar. By this Imean the laugh of quivering cheeks, the laugh which causes a neighbourwho is sleeping behind double doors three rooms away to leap from hisbed and exclaim with distended eyes, "Hullo! Something HAS upset him!"

  "What is there to laugh at?" asked Chichikov, a trifle nettled; butNozdrev laughed more unrestrainedly than ever, ejaculating: "Oh, spareus all! The thing is so amusing that I shall die of it!"

  "I say that there is nothing to laugh at," repeated Chichikov. "It is infulfilment of a promise that I am on my way to Sobakevitch's."

  "Then you will scarcely be glad to be alive when you've got there, forhe is the veriest miser in the countryside. Oh, _I_ know you. However,if you think to find there either faro or a bottle of 'Bonbon' you aremistaken. Look here, my good friend. Let Sobakevitch go to the devil,and come to MY place, where at least I shall have a piece of sturgeonto offer you for dinner. Ponomarev said to me on parting: 'This piece isjust the thing for you. Even if you were to search the whole market, youwould never find a better one.' But of course he is a terrible rogue.I said to him outright: 'You and the Collector of Taxes are the twogreatest skinflints in the town.' But he only stroked his beardand smiled. Every day I used to breakfast with Kuvshinnikov in hisrestaurant. Well, what I was nearly forgetting is this: that, though Iam aware that you can't forgo your engagement, I am not going to giveyou up--no, not for ten thousand roubles of money. I tell you that inadvance."

  Here he broke off to run to the window and shout to his servant (who washolding a knife in one hand and a crust of bread and a piece of sturgeonin the other--he had contrived to filch the latter while fumbling in thebritchka for something else):

  "Hi, Porphyri! Bring here that puppy, you rascal! What a puppy it is!Unfortunately that thief of a landlord has given it nothing to eat, eventhough I have promised him the roan filly which, as you may remember, Iswopped from Khvostirev." As a matter of act, Chichikov had never in hislife seen either Khvostirev or the roan filly.

  "Barin, do you wish for anything to eat?" inquired the landlady as sheentered.

  "No, nothing at all. Ah, friend Chichikov, what times we had! Yes, giveme a glass of vodka, old woman. What sort do you keep?"

  "Aniseed."

  "Then bring me a glass of it," repeated Nozdrev.

  "And one for me as well," added the flaxen-haired man.

  "At the theatre," went on Nozdrev, "there was an actress who sang like acanary. Kuvshinnikov, who happened to be sitting with me, said: 'My boy,you had better go and gather that strawberry.' As for the booths at thefair, they numbered, I should say, fifty." At this point he broke offto take the glass of vodka from the landlady, who bowed low inacknowledgement of his doing so. At the same moment Porphyri--afellow dressed like his master (that is to say, in a greasy, waddedovercoat)--entered with the puppy.

  "Put the brute down here," commanded Nozdrev, "and then fasten it up."

  Porphyri deposited the animal upon the floor; whereupon it proceeded toact after the manner of dogs.

  "THERE'S a puppy for you!" cried Nozdrev, catching hold of it by theback, and lifting it up. The puppy uttered a piteous yelp.

  "I can see
that you haven't done what I told you to do," he continuedto Porphyri after an inspection of the animal's belly. "You have quiteforgotten to brush him."

  "I DID brush him," protested Porphyri.

  "Then where did these fleas come from?"

  "I cannot think. Perhaps they have leapt into his coat out of thebritchka."

  "You liar! As a matter of fact, you have forgotten to brush him.Nevertheless, look at these ears, Chichikov. Just feel them."

  "Why should I? Without doing that, I can see that he is well-bred."

  "Nevertheless, catch hold of his ears and feel them."

  To humour the fellow Chichikov did as he had requested, remarking: "Yes,he seems likely to turn out well."

  "And feel the coldness of his nose! Just take it in your hand."

  Not wishing to offend his interlocutor, Chichikov felt the puppy's nose,saying: "Some day he will have an excellent scent."

  "Yes, will he not? 'Tis the right sort of muzzle for that. I must saythat I have long been wanting such a puppy. Porphyri, take him awayagain."

  Porphyri lifted up the puppy, and bore it downstairs.

  "Look here, Chichikov," resumed Nozdrev. "You MUST come to my place. Itlies only five versts away, and we can go there like the wind, and youcan visit Sobakevitch afterwards."

  "Shall I, or shall I not, go to Nozdrev's?" reflected Chichikov. "Is helikely to prove any more useful than the rest? Well, at least he is aspromising, even though he has lost so much at play. But he has a head onhis shoulders, and therefore I must go carefully if I am to tackle himconcerning my scheme."

  With that he added aloud: "Very well, I WILL come with you, but do notlet us be long, for my time is very precious."

  "That's right, that's right!" cried Nozdrev. "Splendid, splendid! Let meembrace you!" And he fell upon Chichikov's neck. "All three of us willgo."

  "No, no," put in the flaxen-haired man. "You must excuse me, for I mustbe off home."

  "Rubbish, rubbish! I am NOT going to excuse you."

  "But my wife will be furious with me. You and Monsieur Chichikov mustchange into the other britchka."

  "Come, come! The thing is not to be thought of."

  The flaxen-haired man was one of those people in whose character, atfirst sight, there seems to lurk a certain grain of stubbornness--somuch so that, almost before one has begun to speak, they are ready todispute one's words, and to disagree with anything that may be opposedto their peculiar form of opinion. For instance, they will decline tohave folly called wisdom, or any tune danced to but their own. Always,however, will there become manifest in their character a soft spot, andin the end they will accept what hitherto they have denied, and callwhat is foolish sensible, and even dance--yes, better than any one elsewill do--to a tune set by some one else. In short, they generally beginwell, but always end badly.

  "Rubbish!" said Nozdrev in answer to a further objection on hisbrother-in-law's part. And, sure enough, no sooner had Nozdrev clappedhis cap upon his head than the flaxen-haired man started to follow himand his companion.

  "But the gentleman has not paid for the vodka?" put in the old woman.

  "All right, all right, good mother. Look here, brother-in-law. Pay her,will you, for I have not a kopeck left."

  "How much?" inquired the brother-in-law.

  "What, sir? Eighty kopecks, if you please," replied the old woman.

  "A lie! Give her half a rouble. That will be quite enough."

  "No, it will NOT, barin," protested the old woman. However, she took themoney gratefully, and even ran to the door to open it for the gentlemen.As a matter of fact, she had lost nothing by the transaction, since shehad demanded fully a quarter more than the vodka was worth.

  The travellers then took their seats, and since Chichikov's britchkakept alongside the britchka wherein Nozdrev and his brother-in-law wereseated, it was possible for all three men to converse together as theyproceeded. Behind them came Nozdrev's smaller buggy, with its teamof lean stage horses and Porphyri and the puppy. But inasmuch as theconversation which the travellers maintained was not of a kind likelyto interest the reader, I might do worse than say something concerningNozdrev himself, seeing that he is destined to play no small role in ourstory.

  Nozdrev's face will be familiar to the reader, seeing that every onemust have encountered many such. Fellows of the kind are known as"gay young sparks," and, even in their boyhood and school days, earn areputation for being bons camarades (though with it all they come in forsome hard knocks) for the reason that their faces evince an element offrankness, directness, and enterprise which enables them soon to makefriends, and, almost before you have had time to look around, to startaddressing you in the second person singular. Yet, while cementing suchfriendships for all eternity, almost always they begin quarrelling thesame evening, since, throughout, they are a loquacious, dissipated,high-spirited, over-showy tribe. Indeed, at thirty-five Nozdrev was justwhat he had been an eighteen and twenty--he was just such a lover offast living. Nor had his marriage in any way changed him, and the lessso since his wife had soon departed to another world, and left behindher two children, whom he did not want, and who were therefore placedin the charge of a good-looking nursemaid. Never at any time could heremain at home for more than a single day, for his keen scent couldrange over scores and scores of versts, and detect any fair whichpromised balls and crowds. Consequently in a trice he would bethere--quarrelling, and creating disturbances over the gaming-table(like all men of his type, he had a perfect passion for cards) yetplaying neither a faultless nor an over-clean game, since he was botha blunderer and able to indulge in a large number of illicit cuts andother devices. The result was that the game often ended in another kindof sport altogether. That is to say, either he received a good kicking,or he had his thick and very handsome whiskers pulled; with the resultthat on certain occasions he returned home with one of those appendageslooking decidedly ragged. Yet his plump, healthy-looking cheeks wereso robustly constituted, and contained such an abundance of recreativevigour, that a new whisker soon sprouted in place of the old one, andeven surpassed its predecessor. Again (and the following is a phenomenonpeculiar to Russia) a very short time would have elapsed before oncemore he would be consorting with the very cronies who had recentlycuffed him--and consorting with them as though nothing whatsoever hadhappened--no reference to the subject being made by him, and they tooholding their tongues.

  In short, Nozdrev was, as it were, a man of incident. Never was hepresent at any gathering without some sort of a fracas occurringthereat. Either he would require to be expelled from the room bygendarmes, or his friends would have to kick him out into the street. Atall events, should neither of those occurrences take place, at least hedid something of a nature which would not otherwise have been witnessed.That is to say, should he not play the fool in a buffet to such anextent as to make every one smile, you may be sure that he was engaged inlying to a degree which at times abashed even himself. Moreover, the manlied without reason. For instance, he would begin telling a story to theeffect that he possessed a blue-coated or a red-coated horse; until,in the end, his listeners would be forced to leave him with the remark,"You are giving us some fine stuff, old fellow!" Also, men like Nozdrevhave a passion for insulting their neighbours without the leastexcuse afforded. (For that matter, even a man of good standing and ofrespectable exterior--a man with a star on his breast--may unexpectedlypress your hand one day, and begin talking to you on subjects of anature to give food for serious thought. Yet just as unexpectedly maythat man start abusing you to your face--and do so in a manner worthyof a collegiate registrar rather than of a man who wears a star on hisbreast and aspires to converse on subjects which merit reflection. Allthat one can do in such a case is to stand shrugging one's shoulders inamazement.) Well, Nozdrev had just such a weakness. The more he becamefriendly with a man, the sooner would he insult him, and be readyto spread calumnies as to his reputation. Yet all the while he wouldconsider himself the insulted one's friend, and, should he meet
himagain, would greet him in the most amicable style possible, and say,"You rascal, why have you given up coming to see me." Thus, taken allround, Nozdrev was a person of many aspects and numerous potentialities.In one and the same breath would he propose to go with you whithersoeveryou might choose (even to the very ends of the world should you sorequire) or to enter upon any sort of an enterprise with you, or toexchange any commodity for any other commodity which you might care toname. Guns, horses, dogs, all were subjects for barter--though not forprofit so far as YOU were concerned. Such traits are mostly the outcomeof a boisterous temperament, as is additionally exemplified by the factthat if at a fair he chanced to fall in with a simpleton and to fleecehim, he would then proceed to buy a quantity of the very first articleswhich came to hand--horse-collars, cigar-lighters, dresses for hisnursemaid, foals, raisins, silver ewers, lengths of holland, wheatmeal,tobacco, revolvers, dried herrings, pictures, whetstones, crockery,boots, and so forth, until every atom of his money was exhausted. Yetseldom were these articles conveyed home, since, as a rule, the same daysaw them lost to some more skilful gambler, in addition to his pipe,his tobacco-pouch, his mouthpiece, his four-horsed turn-out, and hiscoachman: with the result that, stripped to his very shirt, he would beforced to beg the loan of a vehicle from a friend.

  Such was Nozdrev. Some may say that characters of his type have becomeextinct, that Nozdrevs no longer exist. Alas! such as say this willbe wrong; for many a day must pass before the Nozdrevs will havedisappeared from our ken. Everywhere they are to be seen in ourmidst--the only difference between the new and the old being adifference of garments. Persons of superficial observation are apt toconsider that a man clad in a different coat is quite a different personfrom what he used to be.

  To continue. The three vehicles bowled up to the steps of Nozdrev'shouse, and their occupants alighted. But no preparations whatsoever hadbeen made for the guest's reception, for on some wooden trestles inthe centre of the dining-room a couple of peasants were engaged inwhitewashing the ceiling and drawling out an endless song as theysplashed their stuff about the floor. Hastily bidding peasants andtrestles to be gone, Nozdrev departed to another room with furtherinstructions. Indeed, so audible was the sound of his voice as heordered dinner that Chichikov--who was beginning to feel hungry oncemore--was enabled to gather that it would be at least five o'clockbefore a meal of any kind would be available. On his return, Nozdrevinvited his companions to inspect his establishment--even though asearly as two o'clock he had to announce that nothing more was to beseen.

  The tour began with a view of the stables, where the party saw two mares(the one a grey, and the other a roan) and a colt; which latter animal,though far from showy, Nozdrev declared to have cost him ten thousandroubles.

  "You NEVER paid ten thousand roubles for the brute!" exclaimed thebrother-in-law. "He isn't worth even a thousand."

  "By God, I DID pay ten thousand!" asserted Nozdrev.

  "You can swear that as much as you like," retorted the other.

  "Will you bet that I did not?" asked Nozdrev, but the brother-in-lawdeclined the offer.

  Next, Nozdrev showed his guests some empty stalls where a number ofequally fine animals (so he alleged) had lately stood. Also there was onview the goat which an old belief still considers to be an indispensableadjunct to such places, even though its apparent use is to pace up anddown beneath the noses of the horses as though the place belonged to it.Thereafter the host took his guests to look at a young wolf which he hadgot tied to a chain. "He is fed on nothing but raw meat," he explained,"for I want him to grow up as fierce as possible." Then the partyinspected a pond in which there were "fish of such a size that it wouldtake two men all their time to lift one of them out."

  This piece of information was received with renewed incredulity on thepart of the brother-in-law.

  "Now, Chichikov," went on Nozdrev, "let me show you a truly magnificentbrace of dogs. The hardness of their muscles will surprise you, and theyhave jowls as sharp as needles."

  So saying, he led the way to a small, but neatly-built, shed surroundedon every side with a fenced-in run. Entering this run, the visitorsbeheld a number of dogs of all sorts and sizes and colours. In theirmidst Nozdrev looked like a father lording it over his family circle.Erecting their tails--their "stems," as dog fanciers call thosemembers--the animals came bounding to greet the party, and fully a scoreof them laid their paws upon Chichikov's shoulders. Indeed, one dog wasmoved with such friendliness that, standing on its hind legs, it lickedhim on the lips, and so forced him to spit. That done, the visitors dulyinspected the couple already mentioned, and expressed astonishment attheir muscles. True enough, they were fine animals. Next, the partylooked at a Crimean bitch which, though blind and fast nearing her end,had, two years ago, been a truly magnificent dog. At all events, so saidNozdrev. Next came another bitch--also blind; then an inspection ofthe water-mill, which lacked the spindle-socket wherein the upper stoneought to have been revolving--"fluttering," to use the Russian peasant'squaint expression. "But never mind," said Nozdrev. "Let us proceed tothe blacksmith's shop." So to the blacksmith's shop the party proceeded,and when the said shop had been viewed, Nozdrev said as he pointed to afield:

  "In this field I have seen such numbers of hares as to render the groundquite invisible. Indeed, on one occasion I, with my own hands, caught ahare by the hind legs."

  "You never caught a hare by the hind legs with your hands!" remarked thebrother-in-law.

  "But I DID" reiterated Nozdrev. "However, let me show you the boundarywhere my lands come to an end."

  So saying, he started to conduct his guests across a field whichconsisted mostly of moleheaps, and in which the party had to pick theirway between strips of ploughed land and of harrowed. Soon Chichikovbegan to feel weary, for the terrain was so low-lying that in many spotswater could be heard squelching underfoot, and though for a while thevisitors watched their feet, and stepped carefully, they soon perceivedthat such a course availed them nothing, and took to following theirnoses, without either selecting or avoiding the spots where the mirehappened to be deeper or the reverse. At length, when a considerabledistance had been covered, they caught sight of a boundary-post and anarrow ditch.

  "That is the boundary," said Nozdrev. "Everything that you see on thisside of the post is mine, as well as the forest on the other side of it,and what lies beyond the forest."

  "WHEN did that forest become yours?" asked the brother-in-law. "Itcannot be long since you purchased it, for it never USED to be yours."

  "Yes, it isn't long since I purchased it," said Nozdrev.

  "How long?"

  "How long? Why, I purchased it three days ago, and gave a pretty sum forit, as the devil knows!"

  "Indeed! Why, three days ago you were at the fair?"

  "Wiseacre! Cannot one be at a fair and buy land at the same time? Yes, IWAS at the fair, and my steward bought the land in my absence."

  "Oh, your STEWARD bought it." The brother-in-law seemed doubtful, andshook his head.

  The guests returned by the same route as that by which they had come;whereafter, on reaching the house, Nozdrev conducted them to his study,which contained not a trace of the things usually to be found in suchapartments--such things as books and papers. On the contrary, the onlyarticles to be seen were a sword and a brace of guns--the one "of themworth three hundred roubles," and the other "about eight hundred." Thebrother-in-law inspected the articles in question, and then shookhis head as before. Next, the visitors were shown some "real Turkish"daggers, of which one bore the inadvertent inscription, "SaveliSibiriakov [19], Master Cutler." Then came a barrel-organ, on whichNozdrev started to play some tune or another. For a while the soundswere not wholly unpleasing, but suddenly something seemed to go wrong,for a mazurka started, to be followed by "Marlborough has gone to thewar," and to this, again, there succeeded an antiquated waltz. Also,long after Nozdrev had ceased to turn the handle, one particularlyshrill-pitched pipe which had, throughout, refused to harmonise with
therest kept up a protracted whistling on its own account. Then followedan exhibition of tobacco pipes--pipes of clay, of wood, of meerschaum,pipes smoked and non-smoked; pipes wrapped in chamois leather and notso wrapped; an amber-mounted hookah (a stake won at cards) and a tobaccopouch (worked, it was alleged, by some countess who had fallen in lovewith Nozdrev at a posthouse, and whose handiwork Nozdrev averredto constitute the "sublimity of superfluity"--a term which, in theNozdrevian vocabulary, purported to signify the acme of perfection).

  Finally, after some hors-d'oeuvres of sturgeon's back, they sat downto table--the time being then nearly five o'clock. But the meal did notconstitute by any means the best of which Chichikov had ever partaken,seeing that some of the dishes were overcooked, and others were scarcelycooked at all. Evidently their compounder had trusted chiefly toinspiration--she had laid hold of the first thing which had happened tocome to hand. For instance, had pepper represented the nearest articlewithin reach, she had added pepper wholesale. Had a cabbage chanced tobe so encountered, she had pressed it also into the service. And thesame with milk, bacon, and peas. In short, her rule seemed to have been"Make a hot dish of some sort, and some sort of taste will result." Forthe rest, Nozdrev drew heavily upon the wine. Even before the souphad been served, he had poured out for each guest a bumper of port andanother of "haut" sauterne. (Never in provincial towns is ordinary,vulgar sauterne even procurable.) Next, he called for a bottle ofmadeira--"as fine a tipple as ever a field-marshall drank"; but themadeira only burnt the mouth, since the dealers, familiar with the tasteof our landed gentry (who love "good" madeira) invariably doctor thestuff with copious dashes of rum and Imperial vodka, in the hope thatRussian stomachs will thus be enabled to carry off the lot. After thisbottle Nozdrev called for another and "a very special" brand--a brandwhich he declared to consist of a blend of burgundy and champagne, andof which he poured generous measures into the glasses of Chichikovand the brother-in-law as they sat to right and left of him. But sinceChichikov noticed that, after doing so, he added only a scanty modicumof the mixture to his own tumbler, our hero determined to be cautious,and therefore took advantage of a moment when Nozdrev had again plungedinto conversation and was yet a third time engaged in refilling hisbrother-in-law's glass, to contrive to upset his (Chichikov's)glass over his plate. In time there came also to table a tart ofmountain-ashberries--berries which the host declared to equal, in taste,ripe plums, but which, curiously enough, smacked more of corn brandy.Next, the company consumed a sort of pasty of which the precise name hasescaped me, but which the host rendered differently even on the secondoccasion of its being mentioned. The meal over, and the whole tale ofwines tried, the guests still retained their seats--a circumstance whichembarrassed Chichikov, seeing that he had no mind to propound his petscheme in the presence of Nozdrev's brother-in-law, who was a completestranger to him. No, that subject called for amicable and PRIVATEconversation. Nevertheless, the brother-in-law appeared to bode littledanger, seeing that he had taken on board a full cargo, and was nowengaged in doing nothing of a more menacing nature than picking hisnose. At length he himself noticed that he was not altogether in aresponsible condition; wherefore he rose and began to make excuses fordeparting homewards, though in a tone so drowsy and lethargic that, toquote the Russian proverb, he might almost have been "pulling a collaron to a horse by the clasps."

  "No, no!" cried Nozdrev. "I am NOT going to let you go."

  "But I MUST go," replied the brother-in-law. "Don't try to hinder me.You are annoying me greatly."

  "Rubbish! We are going to play a game of banker."

  "No, no. You must play it without me, my friend. My wife is expecting meat home, and I must go and tell her all about the fair. Yes, I MUST goif I am to please her. Do not try to detain me."

  "Your wife be--! But have you REALLY an important piece of business withher?"

  "No, no, my friend. The real reason is that she is a good and trustfulwoman, and that she does a great deal for me. The tears spring to myeyes as I think of it. Do not detain me. As an honourable man I say thatI must go. Of that I do assure you in all sincerity."

  "Oh, let him go," put in Chichikov under his breath. "What use will hebe here?"

  "Very well," said Nozdrev, "though, damn it, I do not like fellows wholose their heads." Then he added to his brother-in-law: "All right,Thetuk [20]. Off you go to your wife and your woman's talk and may thedevil go with you!"

  "Do not insult me with the term Thetuk," retorted the brother-in-law."To her I owe my life, and she is a dear, good woman, and has shown memuch affection. At the very thought of it I could weep. You see, shewill be asking me what I have seen at the fair, and tell her about it Imust, for she is such a dear, good woman."

  "Then off you go to her with your pack of lies. Here is your cap."

  "No, good friend, you are not to speak of her like that. By so doing youoffend me greatly--I say that she is a dear, good woman."

  "Then run along home to her."

  "Yes, I am just going. Excuse me for having been unable to stay. Gladlywould I have stayed, but really I cannot."

  The brother-in-law repeated his excuses again and again without noticingthat he had entered the britchka, that it had passed through the gates,and that he was now in the open country. Permissibly we may suppose thathis wife succeeded in gleaning from him few details of the fair.

  "What a fool!" said Nozdrev as, standing by the window, he watched thedeparting vehicle. "Yet his off-horse is not such a bad one. For a longtime past I have been wanting to get hold of it. A man like that issimply impossible. Yes, he is a Thetuk, a regular Thetuk."

  With that they repaired to the parlour, where, on Porphyri bringingcandles, Chichikov perceived that his host had produced a pack of cards.

  "I tell you what," said Nozdrev, pressing the sides of the packtogether, and then slightly bending them, so that the pack cracked anda card flew out. "How would it be if, to pass the time, I were to make abank of three hundred?"

  Chichikov pretended not to have heard him, but remarked with an air ofhaving just recollected a forgotten point:

  "By the way, I had omitted to say that I have a request to make of you."

  "What request?"

  "First give me your word that you will grant it."

  "What is the request, I say?"

  "Then you give me your word, do you?"

  "Certainly."

  "Your word of honour?"

  "My word of honour."

  "This, then, is my request. I presume that you have a large numberof dead serfs whose names have not yet been removed from the revisionlist?"

  "I have. But why do you ask?"

  "Because I want you to make them over to me."

  "Of what use would they be to you?"

  "Never mind. I have a purpose in wanting them."

  "What purpose?"

  "A purpose which is strictly my own affair. In short, I need them."

  "You seem to have hatched a very fine scheme. Out with it, now! What isin the wind?"

  "How could I have hatched such a scheme as you say? One could not verywell hatch a scheme out of such a trifle as this."

  "Then for what purpose do you want the serfs?"

  "Oh, the curiosity of the man! He wants to poke his fingers into andsmell over every detail!"

  "Why do you decline to say what is in your mind? At all events, untilyou DO say I shall not move in the matter."

  "But how would it benefit you to know what my plans are? A whim hasseized me. That is all. Nor are you playing fair. You have given me yourword of honour, yet now you are trying to back out of it."

  "No matter what you desire me to do, I decline to do it until you havetold me your purpose."

  "What am I to say to the fellow?" thought Chichikov. He reflected fora moment, and then explained that he wanted the dead souls in orderto acquire a better standing in society, since at present he possessedlittle landed property, and only a handful of serfs.

  "You are lying," said Nozdrev withou
t even letting him finish. "Yes, youare lying my good friend."

  Chichikov himself perceived that his device had been a clumsy one, andhis pretext weak. "I must tell him straight out," he said to himself ashe pulled his wits together.

  "Should I tell you the truth," he added aloud, "I must beg of you notto repeat it. The truth is that I am thinking of getting married. But,unfortunately, my betrothed's father and mother are very ambitiouspeople, and do not want me to marry her, since they desire thebridegroom to own not less than three hundred souls, whereas I own but ahundred and fifty, and that number is not sufficient."

  "Again you are lying," said Nozdrev.

  "Then look here; I have been lying only to this extent." And Chichikovmarked off upon his little finger a minute portion.

  "Nevertheless I will bet my head that you have been lying throughout."

  "Come, come! That is not very civil of you. Why should I have beenlying?"

  "Because I know you, and know that you are a regular skinflint. I saythat in all friendship. If I possessed any power over you I should hangyou to the nearest tree."

  This remark hurt Chichikov, for at any time he disliked expressionsgross or offensive to decency, and never allowed any one--no, not evenpersons of the highest rank--to behave towards him with an unduemeasure of familiarity. Consequently his sense of umbrage on the presentoccasion was unbounded.

  "By God, I WOULD hang you!" repeated Nozdrev. "I say this frankly, andnot for the purpose of offending you, but simply to communicate to youmy friendly opinion."

  "To everything there are limits," retorted Chichikov stiffly. "If youwant to indulge in speeches of that sort you had better return to thebarracks."

  However, after a pause he added:

  "If you do not care to give me the serfs, why not SELL them?"

  "SELL them? _I_ know you, you rascal! You wouldn't give me very much forthem, WOULD you?"

  "A nice fellow! Look here. What are they to you? So many diamonds, eh?"

  "I thought so! _I_ know you!"

  "Pardon me, but I could wish that you were a member of the Jewishpersuasion. You would give them to me fast enough then."

  "On the contrary, to show you that I am not a usurer, I will decline toask of you a single kopeck for the serfs. All that you need do is to buythat colt of mine, and then I will throw in the serfs in addition."

  "But what should _I_ want with your colt?" said Chichikov, genuinelyastonished at the proposal.

  "What should YOU want with him? Why, I have bought him for ten thousandroubles, and am ready to let you have him for four."

  "I ask you again: of what use could the colt possibly be to me? I am notthe keeper of a breeding establishment."

  "Ah! I see that you fail to understand me. Let me suggest that you paydown at once three thousand roubles of the purchase money, and leave theother thousand until later."

  "But I do not mean to buy the colt, damn him!"

  "Then buy the roan mare."

  "No, nor the roan mare."

  "Then you shall have both the mare and the grey horse which you haveseen in my stables for two thousand roubles."

  "I require no horses at all."

  "But you would be able to sell them again. You would be able to getthrice their purchase price at the very first fair that was held."

  "Then sell them at that fair yourself, seeing that you are so certain ofmaking a triple profit."

  "Oh, I should make it fast enough, only I want YOU to benefit by thetransaction."

  Chichikov duly thanked his interlocutor, but continued to decline eitherthe grey horse or the roan mare.

  "Then buy a few dogs," said Nozdrev. "I can sell you a couple of hidesa-quiver, ears well pricked, coats like quills, ribs barrel-shaped, andpaws so tucked up as scarcely to graze the ground when they run."

  "Of what use would those dogs be to me? I am not a sportsman."

  "But I WANT you to have the dogs. Listen. If you won't have the dogs,then buy my barrel-organ. 'Tis a splendid instrument. As a man of honourI can tell you that, when new, it cost me fifteen hundred roubles. Well,you shall have it for nine hundred."

  "Come, come! What should I want with a barrel-organ? I am not a German,to go hauling it about the roads and begging for coppers."

  "But this is quite a different kind of organ from the one which Germanstake about with them. You see, it is a REAL organ. Look at it foryourself. It is made of the best wood. I will take you to have anotherview of it."

  And seizing Chichikov by the hand, Nozdrev drew him towards the otherroom, where, in spite of the fact that Chichikov, with his feet plantedfirmly on the floor, assured his host, again and again, that he knewexactly what the organ was like, he was forced once more to hear howMarlborough went to the war.

  "Then, since you don't care to give me any money for it," persistedNozdrev, "listen to the following proposal. I will give you thebarrel-organ and all the dead souls which I possess, and in return youshall give me your britchka, and another three hundred roubles into thebargain."

  "Listen to the man! In that case, what should I have left to drive in?"

  "Oh, I would stand you another britchka. Come to the coach-house, andI will show you the one I mean. It only needs repainting to look aperfectly splendid britchka."

  "The ramping, incorrigible devil!" thought Chichikov to himself as atall hazards he resolved to escape from britchkas, organs, and everyspecies of dog, however marvellously barrel-ribbed and tucked up of paw.

  "And in exchange, you shall have the britchka, the barrel-organ, and thedead souls," repeated Nozdrev.

  "I must decline the offer," said Chichikov.

  "And why?"

  "Because I don't WANT the things--I am full up already."

  "I can see that you don't know how things should be done between goodfriends and comrades. Plainly you are a man of two faces."

  "What do you mean, you fool? Think for yourself. Why should I acquirearticles which I don't want?"

  "Say no more about it, if you please. I have quite taken your measure.But see here. Should you care to play a game of banker? I am ready tostake both the dead souls and the barrel-organ at cards."

  "No; to leave an issue to cards means to submit oneself to the unknown,"said Chichikov, covertly glancing at the pack which Nozdrev had gotin his hands. Somehow the way in which his companion had cut that packseemed to him suspicious.

  "Why 'to the unknown'?" asked Nozdrev. "There is no such thing as 'theunknown.' Should luck be on your side, you may win the devil knows whata haul. Oh, luck, luck!" he went on, beginning to deal, in the hope ofraising a quarrel. "Here is the cursed nine upon which, the other night,I lost everything. All along I knew that I should lose my money. Said Ito myself: 'The devil take you, you false, accursed card!'"

  Just as Nozdrev uttered the words Porphyri entered with a fresh bottleof liquor; but Chichikov declined either to play or to drink.

  "Why do you refuse to play?" asked Nozdrev.

  "Because I feel indisposed to do so. Moreover, I must confess that I amno great hand at cards."

  "WHY are you no great hand at them?"

  Chichikov shrugged his shoulders. "Because I am not," he replied.

  "You are no great hand at ANYTHING, I think."

  "What does that matter? God has made me so."

  "The truth is that you are a Thetuk, and nothing else. Once upon atime I believed you to be a good fellow, but now I see that youdon't understand civility. One cannot speak to you as one would to anintimate, for there is no frankness or sincerity about you. You are aregular Sobakevitch--just such another as he."

  "For what reason are you abusing me? Am I in any way at fault fordeclining to play cards? Sell me those souls if you are the man tohesitate over such rubbish."

  "The foul fiend take you! I was about to have given them to you fornothing, but now you shan't have them at all--not if you offer me threekingdoms in exchange. Henceforth I will have nothing to do with you, youcobbler, you dirty blacksmith! Porphyri, go and tel
l the ostler to givethe gentleman's horses no oats, but only hay."

  This development Chichikov had hardly expected.

  "And do you," added Nozdrev to his guest, "get out of my sight."

  Yet in spite of this, host and guest took supper together--even thoughon this occasion the table was adorned with no wines of fictitiousnomenclature, but only with a bottle which reared its solitary headbeside a jug of what is usually known as vin ordinaire. When supper wasover Nozdrev said to Chichikov as he conducted him to a side room wherea bed had been made up:

  "This is where you are to sleep. I cannot very well wish yougood-night."

  Left to himself on Nozdrev's departure, Chichikov felt in a mostunenviable frame of mind. Full of inward vexation, he blamed himselfbitterly for having come to see this man and so wasted valuabletime; but even more did he blame himself for having told him of hisscheme--for having acted as carelessly as a child or a madman. Of asurety the scheme was not one which ought to have been confided to a manlike Nozdrev, for he was a worthless fellow who might lie about it, andappend additions to it, and spread such stories as would give riseto God knows what scandals. "This is indeed bad!" Chichikov said tohimself. "I have been an absolute fool." Consequently he spent an uneasynight--this uneasiness being increased by the fact that a number ofsmall, but vigorous, insects so feasted upon him that he could donothing but scratch the spots and exclaim, "The devil take you andNozdrev alike!" Only when morning was approaching did he fall asleep. Onrising, he made it his first business (after donning dressing-gownand slippers) to cross the courtyard to the stable, for the purpose ofordering Selifan to harness the britchka. Just as he was returning fromhis errand he encountered Nozdrev, clad in a dressing-gown, and holdinga pipe between his teeth.

  Host and guest greeted one another in friendly fashion, and Nozdrevinquired how Chichikov had slept.

  "Fairly well," replied Chichikov, but with a touch of dryness in histone.

  "The same with myself," said Nozdrev. "The truth is that such a lot ofnasty brutes kept crawling over me that even to speak of it gives methe shudders. Likewise, as the effect of last night's doings, a wholesquadron of soldiers seemed to be camping on my chest, and giving me aflogging. Ugh! And whom also do you think I saw in a dream? You wouldnever guess. Why, it was Staff-Captain Potsieluev and LieutenantKuvshinnikov!"

  "Yes," though Chichikov to himself, "and I wish that they too would giveyou a public thrashing!"

  "I felt so ill!" went on Nozdrev. "And just after I had fallen asleepsomething DID come and sting me. Probably it was a party of hag fleas.Now, dress yourself, and I will be with you presently. First of all Imust give that scoundrel of a bailiff a wigging."

  Chichikov departed to his own room to wash and dress; which processcompleted, he entered the dining-room to find the table laid withtea-things and a bottle of rum. Clearly no broom had yet touched theplace, for there remained traces of the previous night's dinner andsupper in the shape of crumbs thrown over the floor and tobacco ash onthe tablecloth. The host himself, when he entered, was still clad in adressing-gown exposing a hairy chest; and as he sat holding his pipe inhis hand, and drinking tea from a cup, he would have made a model forthe sort of painter who prefers to portray gentlemen of the less curledand scented order.

  "What think you?" he asked of Chichikov after a short silence. "Are youwilling NOW to play me for those souls?"

  "I have told you that I never play cards. If the souls are for sale, Iwill buy them."

  "I decline to sell them. Such would not be the course proper betweenfriends. But a game of banker would be quite another matter. Let us dealthe cards."

  "I have told you that I decline to play."

  "And you will not agree to an exchange?"

  "No."

  "Then look here. Suppose we play a game of chess. If you win, the soulsshall be yours. There are lots which I should like to see crossed off therevision list. Hi, Porphyri! Bring me the chessboard."

  "You are wasting your time. I will play neither chess nor cards."

  "But chess is different from playing with a bank. In chess there can beneither luck nor cheating, for everything depends upon skill. In fact, Iwarn you that I cannot possibly play with you unless you allow me a moveor two in advance."

  "The same with me," thought Chichikov. "Shall I, or shall I not, playthis fellow? I used not to be a bad chess-player, and it is a sport inwhich he would find it more difficult to be up to his tricks."

  "Very well," he added aloud. "I WILL play you at chess."

  "And stake the souls for a hundred roubles?" asked Nozdrev.

  "No. Why for a hundred? Would it not be sufficient to stake them forfifty?"

  "No. What would be the use of fifty? Nevertheless, for the hundredroubles I will throw in a moderately old puppy, or else a gold seal andwatch-chain."

  "Very well," assented Chichikov.

  "Then how many moves are you going to allow me?"

  "Is THAT to be part of the bargain? Why, none, of course."

  "At least allow me two."

  "No, none. I myself am only a poor player."

  "_I_ know you and your poor play," said Nozdrev, moving a chessman.

  "In fact, it is a long time since last I had a chessman in my hand,"replied Chichikov, also moving a piece.

  "Ah! _I_ know you and your poor play," repeated Nozdrev, moving a secondchessman.

  "I say again that it is a long time since last I had a chessman in myhand." And Chichikov, in his turn, moved.

  "Ah! _I_ know you and your poor play," repeated Nozdrev, for the thirdtime as he made a third move. At the same moment the cuff of one of hissleeves happened to dislodge another chessman from its position.

  "Again, I say," said Chichikov, "that 'tis a long time since last--Buthi! look here! Put that piece back in its place!"

  "What piece?"

  "This one." And almost as Chichikov spoke he saw a third chessman cominginto view between the queens. God only knows whence that chessman hadmaterialised.

  "No, no!" shouted Chichikov as he rose from the table. "It is impossibleto play with a man like you. People don't move three pieces at once."

  "How 'three pieces'? All that I have done is to make a mistake--to moveone of my pieces by accident. If you like, I will forfeit it to you."

  "And whence has the third piece come?"

  "What third piece?"

  "The one now standing between the queens?"

  "'Tis one of your own pieces. Surely you are forgetting?"

  "No, no, my friend. I have counted every move, and can remember eachone. That piece has only just become added to the board. Put it back inits place, I say."

  "Its place? Which IS its place?" But Nozdrev had reddened a good deal."I perceive you to be a strategist at the game."

  "No, no, good friend. YOU are the strategist--though an unsuccessfulone, as it happens."

  "Then of what are you supposing me capable? Of cheating you?"

  "I am not supposing you capable of anything. All that I say is that Iwill not play with you any more."

  "But you can't refuse to," said Nozdrev, growing heated. "You see, thegame has begun."

  "Nevertheless, I have a right not to continue it, seeing that you arenot playing as an honest man should do."

  "You are lying--you cannot truthfully say that."

  "'Tis you who are lying."

  "But I have NOT cheated. Consequently you cannot refuse to play, butmust continue the game to a finish."

  "You cannot force me to play," retorted Chichikov coldly as, turning tothe chessboard, he swept the pieces into confusion.

  Nozdrev approached Chichikov with a manner so threatening that the otherfell back a couple of paces.

  "I WILL force you to play," said Nozdrev. "It is no use you making amess of the chessboard, for I can remember every move. We will replacethe chessmen exactly as they were."

  "No, no, my friend. The game is over, and I play you no more."

  "You say that you will not?"

&n
bsp; "Yes. Surely you can see for yourself that such a thing is impossible?"

  "That cock won't fight. Say at once that you refuse to play with me."And Nozdrev approached a step nearer.

  "Very well; I DO say that," replied Chichikov, and at the same momentraised his hands towards his face, for the dispute was growing heated.Nor was the act of caution altogether unwarranted, for Nozdrevalso raised his fist, and it may be that one of our hero's plump,pleasant-looking cheeks would have sustained an indelible insult hadnot he (Chichikov) parried the blow and, seizing Nozdrev by his whirlingarms, held them fast.

  "Porphyri! Pavlushka!" shouted Nozdrev as madly he strove to freehimself.

  On hearing the words, Chichikov, both because he wished to avoidrendering the servants witnesses of the unedifying scene and because hefelt that it would be of no avail to hold Nozdrev any longer, let go ofthe latter's arms; but at the same moment Porphyri and Pavlushka enteredthe room--a pair of stout rascals with whom it would be unwise tomeddle.

  "Do you, or do you not, intend to finish the game?" said Nozdrev. "Giveme a direct answer."

  "No; it will not be possible to finish the game," replied Chichikov,glancing out of the window. He could see his britchka standing ready forhim, and Selifan evidently awaiting orders to draw up to the entrancesteps. But from the room there was no escape, since in the doorway wasposted the couple of well-built serving-men.

  "Then it is as I say? You refuse to finish the game?" repeated Nozdrev,his face as red as fire.

  "I would have finished it had you played like a man of honour. But, asit is, I cannot."

  "You cannot, eh, you villain? You find that you cannot as soon as youfind that you are not winning? Thrash him, you fellows!" And as he spokeNozdrev grasped the cherrywood shank of his pipe. Chichikov turned aswhite as a sheet. He tried to say something, but his quivering lipsemitted no sound. "Thrash him!" again shouted Nozdrev as he rushedforward in a state of heat and perspiration more proper to a warrior whois attacking an impregnable fortress. "Thrash him!" again he shoutedin a voice like that of some half-demented lieutenant whose desperatebravery has acquired such a reputation that orders have had to be issuedthat his hands shall be held lest he attempt deeds of over-presumptuousdaring. Seized with the military spirit, however, the lieutenant's headbegins to whirl, and before his eye there flits the image of Suvorov[21]. He advances to the great encounter, and impulsively cries,"Forward, my sons!"--cries it without reflecting that he may bespoiling the plan of the general attack, that millions of rifles maybe protruding their muzzles through the embrasures of the impregnable,towering walls of the fortress, that his own impotent assault may bedestined to be dissipated like dust before the wind, and that alreadythere may have been launched on its whistling career the bullet which isto close for ever his vociferous throat. However, if Nozdrev resembledthe headstrong, desperate lieutenant whom we have just pictured asadvancing upon a fortress, at least the fortress itself in no wayresembled the impregnable stronghold which I have described. As a matterof fact, the fortress became seized with a panic which drove its spiritinto its boots. First of all, the chair with which Chichikov (thefortress in question) sought to defend himself was wrested from hisgrasp by the serfs, and then--blinking and neither alive nor dead--heturned to parry the Circassian pipe-stem of his host. In fact, Godonly knows what would have happened had not the fates been pleased bya miracle to deliver Chichikov's elegant back and shoulders from theonslaught. Suddenly, and as unexpectedly as though the sound hadcome from the clouds, there made itself heard the tinkling notes ofa collar-bell, and then the rumble of wheels approaching the entrancesteps, and, lastly, the snorting and hard breathing of a team of horsesas a vehicle came to a standstill. Involuntarily all present glancedthrough the window, and saw a man clad in a semi-military greatcoat leapfrom a buggy. After making an inquiry or two in the hall, he entered thedining-room just at the juncture when Chichikov, almost swooning withterror, had found himself placed in about as awkward a situation ascould well befall a mortal man.

  "Kindly tell me which of you is Monsieur Nozdrev?" said the unknown witha glance of perplexity both at the person named (who was still standingwith pipe-shank upraised) and at Chichikov (who was just beginning torecover from his unpleasant predicament).

  "Kindly tell ME whom I have the honour of addressing?" retorted Nozdrevas he approached the official.

  "I am the Superintendent of Rural Police."

  "And what do you want?"

  "I have come to fulfil a commission imposed upon me. That is to say,I have come to place you under arrest until your case shall have beendecided."

  "Rubbish! What case, pray?"

  "The case in which you involved yourself when, in a drunken condition,and through the instrumentality of a walking-stick, you offered graveoffence to the person of Landowner Maksimov."

  "You lie! To your face I tell you that never in my life have I set eyesupon Landowner Maksimov."

  "Good sir, allow me to represent to you that I am a Government officer.Speeches like that you may address to your servants, but not to me."

  At this point Chichikov, without waiting for Nozdrev's reply, seizedhis cap, slipped behind the Superintendent's back, rushed out on to theverandah, sprang into his britchka, and ordered Selifan to drive likethe wind.