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  Copyright © 2019 Nickie Nalley Seidler

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  Editor: MM Editing

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  Imprint: Independently published

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  DEDICATION

  To everyone who’s suffered loss, heartbreak, and the most powerful love you have ever had. This is for you.

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  PROLOGUE - Ten years ago

  “T ate, tell me you didn’t enlist in the army?” I paced the grass back and forth at our favorite spot that overlooked the lake. He had to be out of his damn mind.

  “Don’t you know everyone’s being sent away to Iraq right now?” I almost choked out a sob, but as a damn Connor I was going to hold it the hell together. At least until I was able to slap him.

  “Paisley, I’m not going to succumb to my father’s family business and be wrapped up in the damn charades and games they play. I’m done with them. This is my chance to fight for my country.” He paraded around me stomping in the grass like he was proving a point, waving his arms around like a grown up scolding their child.

  Tate fucking Watson was my first love. One that wasn’t supposed to be telling me he was leaving for the dang army. One that was supposed to be planning our future with me. My heart was shoved into my throat and I couldn’t speak. At least nothing I said even held the slightest amount of what I felt. We just graduated high school and I was going to community college in order to stay close to Tate and his damn family business. I refused acceptance from several major colleges so we could be together. This changed everything though. I couldn’t put my entire life on the line to only be told he wouldn’t do the same for me. Wasn’t happening.

  He stepped closer to me, making my heart pitter patter. I held the warm tears in my eyes while his soft hand slid across my cheek, forcing me to look him in those dangerous brown eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Paisley.”

  “So this is what heartbreak feels like? This is goodbye?”

  “It’s goodbye for now.” He reassured me with words that lacked every bit of confidence in his demeanor and facial expression. His shoulders went limp, and arms fell to his sides when I wouldn’t move, I stood frozen in front of him trying my best to hold it together. I would break when he left so he wouldn’t see me hurt. What the hell, it wouldn’t matter if he did, he was enlisted. No going backwards now. Only forward.

  “Tate Watson, I hope you’re damn happy. I have loved you since we were crawling. But this,” I pointed between us, “ain’t love.”

  “Don’t say that! It was my only choice and you know it! Don’t say this isn’t love! We can make it work!” He cried out like he was a boy being taken away from his mother. But, I felt like he shattered my life in two. My heart throbbed.

  I leaned up on my toes and kissed my first love’s cheek. “goodbye, Tate.” A slight tear escaped before I took off in the opposite direction. Tate Watson didn’t run after me. In fact, I never said another word to him.

  CHAPTER ONE

  PRESENT DAY

  “M om!” Jared ran into the kitchen. “Sissy’s being a bitch!”

  “Jared Lee! Don’t you dare use that word in my house!” I threw the dish towel in the sink, and gave him my attention for seconds before turning back to the window above the sink wishing I could click my shoes and off to Oz I would go.

  “Mom!” Jared shouted louder bringing my attention back to him instead of some silly daydream.

  “What!” I yelled back in my baddest Mom voice. “What did Liv do now?” The whole damn world was going to end. This eight year old was going to be the death of me.

  “She stole my iPad!”

  I took a deep breath, and exhaled in and out, before leveling with him.

  “Your daddy is gonna be here in fifteen minutes to pick the both of y’all up. I suggest you worry less about your iPad and more about the clothes you are going to bring, and get your bag packed. And don’t forget your toothbrush!”

  “That’s not fair, it’s my iPad!” He whined.

  “It is fair because you had it earlier!” Liv walked in face buried in the iPad but figured she would join the fight.

  “You know what? It’s mine now. Both of you get in your rooms, and get your stuff together. You know how your daddy gets when you’re not on time!”

  Damn this southern heat was getting to be too much. The palm of my hand wiped off the sweat beading on my forehead. As soon as Clint would pick up those kids, my ass was taking a nap and going down to the Lucky Stripe Bar tonight so I could down me a six pack. These kids were too much sometimes and I was thankful that Clint took them off my hands, even if he was just showing off to his new bimbo, Chasity. He thought the kids were stupid apparently, but they told me everything. Frankly, they were old enough to handle it. Well, Jared was. Little Livy had him wrapped around her finger. Six and a half years old and she could make any grown man weak in the knees with her batty eyelashes and demanding personality. She was my girl and for sure a miniature version. With those red wavy locks and pale freckled skin, there was no denying I was her mama.

  Jared on the other hand, he was for sure his daddy’s spitting image. Tall, chocolate brown short hair and those cinnamon eyes. He was a beautiful boy, and I was more than proud he was mine, but he was definitely a handful.

  Being divorced had its perks. The only one I could think of at the moment was the occasional weekend off. Being this weekend.

  The doorbell rang and the kids’ footsteps echoed as they ran towards the door, full of excitement. Those kids loved their daddy whether he was consistent with them or not, or just convenient when he had a girlfriend, they didn’t really care. I didn’t either. There was no use trying to change a man when they didn’t want to be changed.

  “Paisley, we’re leaving.” Clint shouted through the house.

  I shouted back, “Hey, wait!” Rushing to the door, the kids looked up at me. “What? Can’t you give your mama a kiss? Plant them on me!”

  “I love you, mama.” Jared kissed me first, and took off down the steps towards Clint’s truck.

  My mini, well, she lunged into my arms and held on tight. These weekends were a little harder on her.

  “I love you, sweetie. Have fun at your dad’s.”

  “Do I have to go this time?” She whined into my neck.

  “Go on, you know you always have fun.”

  “Ok...” her voice trailed on with a failed attempt at staying home.

  “Oh, um, I gotta talk to you. I forgot, um, can I call you later after they’re in bed?” Clint had this look in his eyes that I’ve seen before. I wasn’t sure when it was, but I had. Something was up.

  “Yup. Take care of my babies.” I waved at them and watched them buckle their belts through the open windows in his truck. Clint stepped off the last step and saluted me, sporting his blue wrangler jeans cut at the knee and a white t shirt with visible sweat spots. For the most part Clint and I co parented pretty damn well. We were never meant to try to be in love when it clearly wasn’t love betw
een us. We were better off friends. But when I got pregnant with Jared we thought the right thing to do was get married and try to make the best out of the situation. We got along and then got pregnant with Liv, but we both realized it just wasn’t working out romantically.

  That was five years ago now. Hard to believe it was so long ago. Clint tipped his ball cap and tore out of the gravel driveway. I exhaled. I was kid free for two days. I closed the screen door and checked the temperature. I really had to get the air conditioning fixed. Cons of being divorced, coming up with the money on your average paying job to fix said air conditioner in the house you paid for yourself. adulting sucked.

  I stripped down into my underwear and tank top and collapsed onto my bed and put the ceiling fan on full blast. A nap was well needed and deserved at this point.

  I wondered what Clint had to discuss with me. I sure hoped he wasn’t going to change our child support agreement. He always tried whenever he had a new girlfriend telling him what to do.

  CHAPTER TWO

  M y sleepy eyes opened blurry, staring up at the ceiling fan going super-fast around and around. The room was dark, I blinked a couple times. Kids? Wait, how long had I slept? I gazed at the clock which read nine pm. Holy shit! I was asleep for six hours. That wasn’t a nap! Wide awake, I sat up in the bed and decided I was still going to make an appearance at the bar. One long stretch was all I needed before climbing out of bed and skipping to my closet, navigating through my thrift store bargains deciding what was sexy to wear. Who was I kidding? Nothing was. I had nothing to write home about. Any attention I could get tonight I wouldn’t hate on it. It’s been two years since I’d even been on a date. My fingers touched all the fabric draping from the hangers until I settled on a teal colored sun dress with little ruffles at the bottom. Perfect. I tore through my shoes until I landed on some black leather sandals. It was night time and scorching hot outside, making the hair hanging on my neck even hotter. Bending over I gathered my hair in a tight bun and placed it on top of my head feeling cooler by the second. Once dressed, I twirled around in the large mirror that was behind my door and propped my boobs up in my bra to make them look bigger or perkier. Damn you kids. Grabbing my phone, I chucked it into my clutch before walking out the door. Lucky for me, the bar was within walking distance and drinking and driving was never something I had to worry about. There was no such thing as ride share services in the southern boonies.

  After a couple blocks, feeling the light breeze on my back while I strolled down the street, I thought to check my phone thinking back to Clint’s remark earlier. Coming up no messages or missed calls, I shrugged my shoulders and put my phone away again.

  The Lucky Stripe was really crowded tonight between the cars and motorcycles parked out front. Someone must be celebrating something because the whole damn town looked like it was parked there. Ah, well, more fun for me and more men to stare at. I wished I had the courage to ask someone out. Eh, it worked out for me being single, because I focused one hundred percent around my kids. They were what mattered.

  I opened the bar doors and walked in already hearing hooting and hollers over the loud music booming through the speakers. Pool balls scratching as I heard them vibrate off the edges of the tables. I went to my usual spot without really glancing around the room. The bartender slid over to me quickly and I placed my first Coors Light order. Slapping the five dollar bill on the bar, the bartender twisted the top off for me and slid it my way. Enjoying the blue mountains of the bottle slick between my hands I took a huge swig of beer and brought it back down on the bar in front of me. My eyes narrowed in on a set of dangerous fucking eyes that were staring directly right back at me. Immediately, I looked down at my hands resting on my lap. A snap of fingers had my attention back and the bartender placed another beer in front of me before walking down to the other end of the bar and placing one in front of Tate.

  My heart hammered in my chest and if I thought I was sweating earlier, I was definitely soaked now. His eyes were intensely on me, burning right through me. I couldn’t look away at this point. Those damn eyes that burned a fresh wound right through my heart. My mind immediately raced. I missed him. No, I definitely couldn’t miss him. This was a mess. My life was a mess and it had been too long. No, it was never too long. Before I could rationalize my racing thoughts, the bar stool next to me became occupied by the sexy fucking man I had loved all those years ago. Without another thought I tipped my drink back and finished the contents, licking my pink glossed lips of any remnants of the brew.

  “Paisley Connor.” He whispered almost to himself like he had to do a double take at the ghost of a woman sitting before him.

  I wanted to hate him. I also wanted to lunge into his arms and show him how much I didn’t.

  Taking him all in, he was sexier than I even remembered. Tall, military style buzz cut, clean shaven, muscular in places I didn’t know you could have muscles, dangerous brown eyes and a smile that made me weak, twisting my insides with desire.

  “Tate...,” I whispered, breathlessly.

  “Holy shit. I thought only these occurrences happened in movies. You look...,” he stared at me, his heated glance from the top of my head to my toes made me feel naked when I knew I was fully clothed. “You look beautiful. You’re so grown up.”

  I stared back at him and was utterly speechless. I knew I had my chance of running into him in this small town, but never would I have planned for it now.

  “Are you ok?” He smiled that panty dropping smile.

  I wasn’t aware of it until I saw his facial expression go from happy to see me, to faint. Tears filled my face and they were uncontrollable. “Paisley...” his large arms hesitantly wrapped around me and I collapsed into him burying my head into his chest. My body wracked with tears and he held me closer and tighter, the feel of his arms around me sent me back. It sent me so far backwards I could never know how good it felt to feel his arms around me like it did in that moment. The heavy cloak filled with pain stabbed my chest from the overwhelming emotions I had for seeing him. He always made me feel safe, comforted and whole. At the same time, I seethed at the fact he could just hug me like that after how he left me and shaped my life so much different than I had planned out.

  “Shhhh, it’s ok.” He kissed the top of my head and didn’t let go. Not even a little.

  I stood up. “I need some air.” I choked out. He released his hold and I flew out of the bar, Tate on my heel. Once the door slammed shut behind me, I bent over my knees and felt ill. All the emotions from the past mixing with how I had felt then made me nauseous. His hand placed on the middle of my back sent chills down my spine. His soft touch still sent butterflies throughout my entire body.

  “You need some water? Are you going to be ok?”

  I stood up realizing nothing was coming out and it was purely just a feeling coursing through my system. “What are you doing here?” It still came out more of a whisper like I wasn’t sure this was real. I needed to be pinched.

  “I’m home,” He grinned, “For good.”

  “I’m not sure what to say...”

  “You don’t have to say anything. But it’s really, really, good to see you.”

  I couldn’t help myself. My eyes searched his for a millisecond before I pounced into his arms and crashed my lips to his, sloppy or not I didn’t care. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his hands softly caressed my face, kissing me back just as intense. I backed him up until I had him pinned against the brick wall on the side of the bar. His tongue begged to enter my mouth and I happily obliged letting his dance with mine in this breathless kiss. His hands traveled down to my back and gripped the material of my dress scrunching it up like he wanted to get me naked and as much as I craved that too, having sex in public wasn’t my bucket list of adventures to go down. I smelled his woodsy scent and it sent me over the edge, kissing him even harder. Then like a wave crashed down on me, my emotions betrayed me and common sense sent me back to reality. Kicked out of Oz once ag
ain I broke the kiss, panting before his gaze narrowed in at me and my eyes widened with reality. My body reacted before I could stop it. My hand moved back and swung at him slapping him across the cheek. The sting in my hand sent a deep regret almost immediately. His expression saddened and his hand flew to his cheek where I just struck him. He looked confused but part of him didn’t.

  “I deserved that.”

  “Yeah, you did!” I cried out. “Ten fucking years.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  W hen I drifted away from Tate, my sandals hit the pavement. My mind raged and messed with my emotions like slapping my face left and right about to wake me up from the dream I was having. How was he standing in front of me? How were we kissing each other seconds ago? So much time had passed. Ten freaking years had gone by since I regrettably walked away from Tate. Ten years later, I found myself regrettably walking out again. But this time the difference hurt more. They were totally different circumstances. I had two children who weren’t his. I was divorced. I felt free when I lived alone with them. My heart never mended from Tate, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to bring up those wounds. We were kids back then. We neared our thirties now and I wasn’t sure grown up Tate was different than young, irresponsible, Tate. I knew I had grown as a woman the second my children entered my life. Speaking of children, I wished I called them tonight and my mind escaped me from that stupid nap and stupid choice to come to the bar tonight.

  His foot trail followed behind me, but his silence spoke loudly, pondering what to say, or maybe he considered running the other way. I was a bit of a hot mess. Shocked, hurt, crying, relieved and most of all, I felt that pang of regret deep in the pit of my stomach. If I hadn’t walked away, where would things be? If he hadn’t left or if he had chased after me? There were a million questions. But there was only one that hung heavy. Did he know?