REBUILDING FOREVER Read online

  "Yeah, yeah, tears of a clown. You saw him on TV that night. He's having a great time. But stop worrying about me and Julian." She leaned forward and pinned Cassie with her brown eyes. "What's going on?"

  It was Cassie's turn to sigh. She pulled her straw out of her drink and licked the foamy pink stuff off it. "I have no idea."

  "Yes, you do. You always have some idea."

  "Yeah." She tossed the straw onto the glass tabletop and gulped half her drink. Sharp satisfaction followed the icy trail down her throat into her stomach, but disgust followed immediately after. That was her old way. Two decades old. She shoved the drink aside and propped her forehead on her hands. "God, Georgie, I think I'm going insane."

  "No way. You're the sanest person I know." Georgie nudged her shoulder. "Tell me what it is, we'll hammer it out to its bare parts, and everything will be brilltastic."

  Cassie didn't laugh at the Georgie-ism. She twisted her face toward her without lifting her head.

  "I think Seth's in love with Julian."

  Georgie gaped, then snapped her mouth shut. "Fuck me sideways on seven kinds of sandpaper."

  Cassie thought that said it perfectly.

  * * * *

  "Seth! Get your fucking ass out here or I'll throw your bag in the ocean!"

  Seth was already scrambling. He did not want Julian confronting him in the bedroom. He had no bloody idea where his clothes were--somewhere out in the main area of the villa, he thought--so he grabbed one of those Velcro towel-wrap things and secured it around his waist.

  "What the fuck?" He paused at the doorway, rubbed his hand hard across his scalp, and turned toward the kitchenette, unable to face Julian directly.

  "You tell me, mate." Julian kicked at Seth's suitcase and followed him into the alcove. "You disappeared on the plane, took off as soon as we landed--what crawled up your arse and stung you?"

  Seth searched for coffee mugs and filters for the maker, then realized he didn't want coffee. He drank it on tour, but not at home unless he was dragging ass. Right now what he wanted was definitely something he couldn't have. He yanked open the door to the mini fridge sitting on a counter, and breathed a sigh of relief. Cassie had stocked Kaliber. It wasn't cool to drink the alcohol-free lager, but he didn't care. Sometimes a guy just needed a beer.

  He popped the top of a can and offered it to Julian, who eyed it distastefully, shrugged, and took it before leaning on the counter, crossing his ankles, and giving Seth the look that meant this was the end. He wasn't letting Seth skate on this any more. He'd have to admit what was wrong with him.

  The silence stretched out while Seth drained the first can, then retrieved a second one. The kitchenette was far too small, but Seth would have to pass Julian to leave the room, and he knew his friend wouldn't let him.

  "Fuck, man, don't look like that." Julian straightened and set his can hard on the counter. "You're scaring me."

  "Welcome to my world."

  "Are you sick?" He reached out and clamped his hand around Seth's bare shoulder. His fingers shook a little. "How bad?"

  "No, mate, that's not it." He pushed Julian's hand off. "Compared to that, it's stupid. But it's not, because it's going to cost me Cassie." He broke off when his voice quavered. Pansy.

  "Nothing's going to cost you Cassie." When Seth looked dubious, he said, "What? You fell in love with someone else?" Still watching him, Julian looked incredulous. "You did? No fucking way! Who?" Seth still didn't say anything, but Julian knew him better than anyone. His mouth fell open. "Me?" He hooted and dragged Seth toward him, his arm wrapped around his neck. "'Bout time, mate!" He ruffled Seth's hair.

  "Get off me!" Seth shoved hard against his chest and retreated to the corner next to the refrigerator. "I'm not in love with you."

  "Then what?"

  "God." He dragged both hands through his hair this time, then blew out a hard breath. "A few months ago I started having these dreams. They started out like memories, the night of our last gig fifteen years ago, you know? The night Cassie told me she was leaving."

  Julian's amusement faded. "I know what night you're talking about. It was the worst I'd ever seen you."

  "I've dreamt about it a lot lately."

  "Well, that's logical, isn't it? You're afraid you're going to screw up again and lose Cassie."

  "No. Well, yes, but I don't think that's what's making me have the dreams." He didn't know how to describe what had gone on in them. "They weren't...normal. Weren't true memories. You were there."

  "I was there then."

  "I know, but... There was this couch. And you were on it. And I fell, and crawled onto it, and realized you were there, and I--I begged you."

  Understanding dawned on Julian's face, which then went completely blank. Horror surged up through Seth.

  "You know what I'm talking about."

  "Nope, not a whit." He retrieved his Kaliber and drank deep. But he avoided Seth's eyes.

  "You do." The implication rolled over Seth. He lurched to the sink and gagged, but nothing came up. He stayed hunched over the porcelain. "You really...we really...oh, my fucking God."

  "Seth." Julian's hand was hot on his bare back. He jerked away and retched again.

  "Don't touch me."

  "Okay. But it wasn't--" He stopped, apparently realizing he couldn't really say anything to make Seth feel better. "It was that one time."

  "You've given head before." His breathing came shallow. "You always say you're up for anything."

  "Yeah, but--"

  "Is that all we did?" The realization that his dreams were memories and might not be complete brought Seth upright again. "Did you fuck me?"

  Julian's jaw firmed. "Look, mate, don't make this like that. That night wasn't about having fun. It was about keeping you alive."

  "What?"

  "Our lives were so fucked up, but yours especially. I would have done anything--anything," he repeated fiercely, getting in Seth's face, his voice low and hard, "to stop you from going over the edge."

  "And anything meant blowing me."

  "Yes."

  Seth couldn't get the memory out of his head. His eyes burned, and when he blinked they watered. "You didn't answer my question."

  "No, I didn't fuck you. I sucked you off, you curled up and sobbed for about three hours, and in the morning you went into rehab for the first time. You never said anything about it. I figured you didn't remember."

  "I didn't. Until now." The past no longer mattered. Christ on a stick, it was bad enough that he'd asked for that fifteen years ago. If that was all it was, he'd get over it and it would join their mass of inside jokes.

  But that wasn't all it was. He was dreaming about Jules, and those dreams left him feeling--

  His prick jerked under the towel. Seth swallowed hard and pretended it hadn't happened.

  "It's moot, anyway." Julian opened a cupboard, eyed the plates, and closed it. "I wouldn't have you."

  Seth blinked. Stared. Was pretty sure his mouth hung open. "What?"

  "I wouldn't have you." Julian paused with another door open, this one full of bowls and glasses. "Soon as Georgie comes to her senses, I'm officially taken. You know that." He shrugged and closed the cupboard. "Hell, I'm taken anyway." The next cupboard was full of food. He made a pleased noise and pulled out a bag of Oreos.

  "But-- That--" Seth couldn't believe he was hurt by that. Panic, temporarily flattened by Julian's words, roared back. "That's not the point. It's not about whether you want me."

  Julian leaned against the counter again, munching a biscuit. "What's it about then?"

  "It's about me wanting..." He made a hand gesture, then felt his entire body turn red.

  Julian guffawed. "I don't get why this is a problem," Julian said. He brushed crumbs off his shirt. "It was fifteen bloody years ago."

  "It's not about what fucking happened fifteen years ago!" Seth shouted, letting anger flare, hoping it would burn out the other. "It's about what's happening now!"

  "Ahhhh
." Jules relaxed, even smiled. "You're worried about your fee-lings," he sang.

  Seth glared at him.

  Julian shrugged. "All right, let's test it."

  "What?"

  "Let's do it now."

  "I don't--"

  "If you're worried about being queer for me, try it now."

  Seth stared. Julian was serious. He was more than serious, he was getting down on his knees. Seth grabbed the shoulders of his shirt and hauled him up. The action fed his anger, his desperation, and he flung Julian back, then swung at him. Jules blocked his punch with his forearm, spun Seth around, and slammed him against the wall, pinning him there with an arm across his chest.

  "If it takes me sucking your cock to convince you that you don't have a thing for me, mate, I'll bloody fucking well do it, but don't run away from me ever again." His steel-gray eyes burned into Seth's shocked gaze for a minute, then dropped to Seth's mouth a split second before he lunged forward and kissed him.

  And not just a kiss. He plunged his tongue into Seth's mouth and kissed him hard and thoroughly, not holding anything back. Then he slowly released the pressure of his arm, gentled his lips, and broke away. He backed off a step, breathing hard, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

  Seth didn't move. It was the strangest fucking thing that had ever happened to him. Being so close for so long, both in proximity and in friendship, had made Julian's scent part of his normal state of existence. But he'd never tasted him, not even on another woman, back in their wild days when groupies didn't care who passed them off and who took them next.

  Several seconds ticked by before he could get past the numb shock and realize that his fears had gone cold. His dick was as limp and uninterested as it could be. His heart didn't pound, and for the first time in weeks, he couldn't recall the memory of that night on the couch.

  "Fuck," he breathed without thinking.

  Julian's mouth quirked on one side. "Yeah?"

  "No!" Seth grabbed Jules' beer from the counter and gulped it down. "Gah, that stuff's shit."

  "So we past this?"

  Seth nodded. "I think so. I should deck you."

  "Nah." Julian plucked the can from Seth's hand, shook it, and drained the last few drops. "You wouldn't want to ruin this pretty face for the wedding photos."

  Seth managed a chuckle, not quite believing it could be done with this quickly. "Have I fucked this up?"

  Julian wandered into the main room but glanced over his shoulder. "What, you and me?"

  "Yeah." Seth followed him and headed for his bag. It was more than time to put some clothes on.

  "Worse things have gotten in our way than a little oral sex. We're fine." He strode to the door and twisted the handle. "You need a shower, mate, and then--"

  Cassie fell forward into the villa as Julian opened the door. She caught herself against his chest, squinted up at him, and giggled.

  "Hiiiii, Juli. You poor clown."

  Seth moved forward, frowning. "Cass? You're drunk?"

  She managed to pull herself upright and face him, but her vision must have still been wonky because she blinked a few times and shook her head, as if trying to clear it.

  "I s'pose I am. You're nekkid," she pointed out, then swiveled her head back to Jules, who stood ready to catch her, looking amused. "You're not."

  "No."

  "Why not?"

  "He didn't ask me to be."

  Her brows furrowed, then she laughed. "He told you. Did you tell him?" Her laugh turned into a kind of sob.

  "I told him."

  "And?"

  "We'll talk about it later." Seth reached to tug her forward, away from the door, but she jerked away.

  "We'll talk about it now. You know how hard it is to compete with that?" She stabbed a finger at Julian. He sighed and started to move out the villa's door, but she shook her head, her wavy hair flying. "You're staying. We're dealing with this now." She slammed the door and shoved Julian back until he stood next to Seth. They both looked down at her, which seemed to annoy her.

  "You know my husband better than I ever did, better than I ever could."

  "We've been friends for a long time, Cassie. What does that matter?"

  "It matters because of those dreams." Tears welled in her eyes. "You've been there for him. I abandoned him when he needed me most. Of course he's going to want you over me."

  "Cassie," they said at the same time. Seth stepped forward a little, and Julian gave ground. He took Cassie by the shoulders, his thumbs automatically caressing the soft skin. "I never thought you abandoned me. You were saving yourself. And I don't want Julian over you."

  "It doesn't matter." She waved him off. The motion made her tip sideways and catch herself sharply. "I have a solution."

  "What's that?" Julian still sounded far too amused. Seth glared at him.

  "We can all do it."

  "Do what?"

  "Fuck."

  Julian barked a laugh. Seth shifted sideways to cut him off and focused completely on Cassie. "I don't want to fuck Julian."

  "It's okay, baby." She patted his face with a limp hand. "Honest. I'm not going to fight it. I won't lose you, either, though. So, best solution?" She held her arms out wide. "We all go to bed together."

  There was a choking sound behind him. Seth ignored it. "We don't have to do that."

  "Georgie thought it was a grand idea."

  "Wait...what?" Julian leaned around Seth. "Georgie is willing to let me fuck Seth?"

  "Would everyone please stop saying that!" Seth tilted his face up to the ceiling in exasperation.

  "She thinks it would be hot."

  "Does she, now."

  Cassie looked earnest. Seth didn't think he'd ever seen her look earnest. "Want me to call her? We can do a foursome. What did Marci and Faith call it? A ménage a quad."

  Julian burst out laughing. "Where did you leave the sweet Georgiana, darling?"

  "She was going back to her room." She scowled. "Why didn't you get a villa, you jerk? She deserves a villa."

  "Because, feisty Cassie, she is paying for her own room, and my daughter will be staying with me."

  "Oh." She bit her lip, her brows dipping lower, before her face cleared. "Oh! Right! Amie. My flower girl." She giggled, and Seth had had enough.

  "Get out of here, mate. I'll see you for the rehearsal later. And you." He hefted Cassie into his arms and stalked to the bedroom. "You're going to sleep it off." The front door closed, the whine of the automatic latch loud in the tiled foyer. Cassie sighed and laid her head on his shoulder.

  "Whatever you say, Seth."

  He hoped she slept it off fast.

  * * * *

  Cassie didn't sleep it off.

  It would have been nice to fall into slumber, wake up, and remember nothing. She'd have even taken the inevitable hangover in exchange. But she'd only had one drink, her empty stomach and lack of tolerance after so many years without alcohol her downfall. She laid on the bed, spread-eagled, listening to Seth unpacking and then showering--singing in the shower with the incredible voice that had first caused her to fall in love with him all those years ago, via Top Forty radio and Friday Night Videos.

  Slowly the buzzing in her head faded, taking with it the silliness and determination, the surface emotions that had propelled her into the villa making such outrageous suggestions. She wasn't sure she'd have been able to go through with it, if such a thing had actually been a possibility. Watching Seth being pleased by someone else...an image flashed through her head, Julian at Seth's feet, his mouth on him, and a surge of desire went through her.

  Georgie was right. It would be hot.

  But it wasn't going to happen. As her head cleared, she comprehended the vibe that had been between the friends. It wasn't weird or sexual or tense. It was relieved and comfortable again. She envied men that ability, to settle things so completely and all at once.

  By the time Seth joined her on the bed, lying down gingerly and with a minimum of movement so he
didn't disturb her, she'd returned to baseline. Maybe slightly better. There was a lot to hash out, but she thought they could get through it. In time for the wedding, even.

  With a groan, she hauled herself off the bed.

  "I thought you were sleeping," Seth said.

  Cassie didn't look at him. "No. I need a shower. I'll be out soon." She went into the luxurious bathroom and stripped off her dress, stepping straight into the wide, multi-spray shower enclosure. One twist of the handle sent five streams of icy water over her body. She yelped, but it cleared her head completely and rid her body of its lassitude. The water turned warm in seconds, and she relaxed into the spray.

  She wasn't sure how much time had gone by when the door opened. She'd been lost in non-thought, letting the water rinse away her shampoo and body wash, reveling in how soft and smooth the water felt, so different from back home.

  Seth didn't intrude. He opened the door gently, stepped in, and closed it without a click. His body eased up behind hers, and his hands flattened on her abdomen. They swayed a little, left, right, a natural rhythm that reminded her of one of Blue Silver's songs. She let her head fall back until it rested on his shoulder. His cheek touched hers, and she realized he was humming. The tune was unfamiliar. She thought he'd played her everything on the new album.

  She opened her mouth, but that was when his hands went into motion. They glided up and down her body and distracted her sufficiently to forget what she was going to ask.

  Still humming, Seth nuzzled her neck, nibbled her earlobe. His hands cupped her breasts but only caressed, never squeezed or pinched. The ache between her legs grew gradually until she moaned with need. Seth didn't touch her there until she caught his hand and pressed it against her. His fingertips dipped easily between her lips, through the slickness, and two fingers drove gently into her while his thumb pressed her clit. He glided those fingers in and out, in and out, in time to the music she could now hear clearly in her head, and circled his thumb, pressing harder and harder until she went up and over in a long, sweet roll.

  When she was done he wrapped his arms around her and held her, his chin on her shoulder, until she twisted off the water.