REBUILDING FOREVER Read online

"O-kay."

  She patted him. "It was a compliment, hon. Go to sleep."

  "Okay."

  * * * *

  He was backstage again, that horrible night when he'd crashed so hard. He wanted to die, and loaded up on enough shit to nearly do it. He could barely walk. Definitely couldn't see. But he knew what he needed.

  "Juli." His best mate. He always picked him up when he crashed. Helped him fly again, somehow. No one understood him like Jules did. If anyone could help him, Jules could.

  "Yeah, mate."

  Seth managed to get himself onto the couch, found Julian, leaned against him for support.

  "It hurts, Juli. So fucking much. Nothing works. Nothing makes it stop."

  "Nothing will, Seth." His hand rubbed his back. "You've just got to take it one minute at a time. You'll get through."

  "I'm alone," he moaned. "Fucking alone."

  "You're never alone. You've got me." And Julian, crazy Julian, the man who worshipped fun above anything else, sounded serious as a heart attack.

  Heart attack. Maybe his heart would just explode, put him out of his misery. But still he breathed, each intake of air sending shards of ice through his chest.

  "I need you, Jules." He clutched at Julian's shirt, damp with sweat from their performance.

  "I'm here, mate."

  "Help me."

  "You sure?"

  The sound of his friend's warm voice vibrated in Seth's chest. His dick swelled, pressing against the tight leather. It was distraction, the biggest kind. He couldn't take another woman, not while he was married to Cassie, no matter what she'd said she was going to do.

  "I need to escape. Help me escape."

  "All right." His hand landed on Seth's prick, testing him. He didn't move for a long time, waiting. Seth leaned back on the couch and put his hand over Julian's, pressing down, then moving his fingers up to the tip. He moaned a little. Julian deftly undid the leather--for sure he wasn't as fucked up as Seth was--and took his bare cock into his hot hand. Seth bucked, the unfamiliar sensation of rough, callused fingers wrapping around him making him insane with need. Julian squeezed and stroked--

  * * * *

  Seth jerked, and suddenly the darkness was different. His breath rasped in the still air, the sound not echoing as much as it had a moment ago. But he wasn't home. Those weren't his curtains. A car passed outside, and he realized he was at Cassie's. Now he could feel her beside him, asleep.

  "Fuckin' A," he muttered, squeezing his eyes tight. He didn't have to touch himself to feel the raging hard-on. His body shuddered with the force of his need. Just like before.

  But this time Cassie was here. He turned to look at her. She was lying on her stomach, facing away from him, and was still naked. He rolled to his side and stroked his hand down her back. She hmmmmmed in her sleep and shifted a little.

  "Cassie."

  She didn't move. Seth let his hand roam over her, stroke the side of her breast and dip underneath to play with her nipple, glide past her hip and around to test her center. Her legs slid open and a sigh escaped him. She was wet. He rose up over her and said her name again. She still didn't answer, but he didn't think she was as deep asleep as she'd been a moment ago. He wrapped his arm around her waist and lifted her hips just enough to bury himself inside her.

  It was instant relief.

  "I love you, Cassie," he breathed into her hair, then drew her scent--her skin and shampoo and the musk of their earlier lovemaking--deep into his lungs. She clenched around him and he almost came, wanted it desperately enough that he almost withdrew and thrust into her again. That would have done it. But he couldn't just use her to ease his own need. He moved his hand down to glide between her lips and find her clit. When he touched it she clenched again, and lifted her rear to press him deeper. He moved slightly, pumping in and out just an inch or two, enough to take her up without driving himself over. She moaned and he rubbed harder, his hips thrusting without his permission. He started to come and clenched his teeth, trying to hold back. But then Cassie cried out and clamped down hard on him, and he burst into her, his movements suddenly jerky and uncoordinated. But he didn't remove his hand, and she shuddered and came again, a smaller one, but enough to keep him from feeling guilty.

  "Holy crap." Cassie rolled underneath him. When he would have moved to the side she grabbed his arm and kept him over her. "What was that?"

  He couldn't smile, not even when her mouth curved in satisfaction.

  "I don't know," he admitted. Her smile disappeared, and this time he ignored her hands and fell onto the bed beside her. "I'm sorry, I'm mucking this up badly."

  "No, you're not." She propped herself up on her elbow to look at him. "Seth, what's wrong?" She touched his face. He closed his eyes and concentrated on her hand, then shook his head.

  "Nothing."

  She pulled away. "Okay, that was your chance." She threw back the sheet and stood. "I'm starving. If you want something, meet me in the kitchen."

  Cassie tried not to stomp her feet as she went down the stairs. He would talk to her eventually. He always did. She'd tried to tell him that complete openness and honesty was the only way this was going to work, but he was proving difficult to convince. It was like he couldn't leave protection-mode, afraid whatever he felt or thought or did would make her walk away again.

  She wasn't walking away. She just needed to convince him of that, somehow.

  The sandwiches were made and Cassie was adding chips and carrots to the plates when Seth joined her. He wore a pair of silk pajama bottoms he'd left here last time, and that was all. She couldn't believe how sexy he looked bare-chested and barefoot, his hair tumbling over his shoulders.

  "Thanks, babe." He gave her a squeeze and kissed her temple, then picked up the plates to take them to the table. Cassie poured glasses of milk and joined him.

  "So what happened up there?" she asked.

  Seth tried to smile and didn't quite make it. "Round two."

  "Why were you so tortured about it?"

  She took a bite of her sandwich and watched him toy with his carrots. He ate a chip and sipped the milk before his shoulders slumped and he admitted, "I dreamed about Julian again."

  Her eyebrows went up. "And that made you want to bang me?"

  "Uh..." He shifted on the chair, picked up a carrot, and then dropped it on the plate before shoving his hands into his hair and holding his head up. "I don't know what to say to you."

  "It's not going to bother me if dreaming about having sex with Julian--"

  "We weren't having sex!" He reached for the milk glass again.

  "Then what were you doing?"

  He muttered something with the glass up to his mouth. Cassie waited. He drained half the glass, cut his eyes to her, and apparently realized she wasn't going to let him skate on this. He thumped the glass back to the table.

  "Hand job."

  "Giving or receiving?"

  "Receiving."

  "And I assume you didn't come and woke up horny." She ate more sandwich, trying to come across more casual than she felt. Once was no big deal, but this was twice that she knew of. She wasn't the kind of woman to start angsting about how her partner really felt about her, and Seth had given her no reason to think he was having doubts about them. But...

  "Are you having doubts about us?"

  Seth's head came up and he looked shocked. "No!"

  She chose a carrot and debated how delicate to be about this. She thought about the subject, Julian, and how indelicate he usually was.

  "You've known Julian a lot longer than you've known me."

  Seth stared at her. "So?"

  "You're closer to him than you ever were to me."

  "Again, so?" He held one palm up. "It's different."

  "Not according to your dreams."

  He shook his head. "I am not pining after Julian."

  Relief made breathing easier. It was the first hint she'd had that this thing really scared her. She wouldn't expect anyone to be abl
e to take Seth away from her--except Julian.

  "Okay, then, there must be some other reason you're having these dreams."

  He shot to his feet, his chair screeching across the linoleum. "I don't want to talk about it." He carried his plate to the counter. Cassie watched as he found the plastic wrap and covered the plate, then put it in the refrigerator.

  "I'm going back to bed." He left the room without looking at her again.

  Cassie finished her sandwich slowly, thinking. She didn't want this weekend to be stressful and difficult. It was likely that they wouldn't see each other again until the wedding. They'd timed things so that Blue Silver could finish recording and she'd have all her major work for Aquila completed before they went to St. Thomas to get married, then take a two-week honeymoon before settling in at home with no major distractions until the album was released. So she really wanted this visit to be positive and happy.

  Which meant not mentioning Julian again. If it made Seth horny, fine. She was reaping the benefits, after all, and it was either a minor thing that would go away, or a major thing that wouldn't be resolved in one weekend.

  So, good, she had a plan. Ignoring something always worked fine.

  She rolled her eyes at herself and went back to bed.

  * * * *

  "That's a wrap, boys."

  Seth and Julian clapped at the producer's announcement over the intercom. They'd been recording some final vocals for the new album, and wrapping meant they had a whole week to get ready for the wedding.

  "I think it's the best one yet," Julian said as they left a few minutes later.

  Seth grinned. "You say that every time."

  "It's almost always true." Jules turned backward and skipped down the steps, squinting up at Seth in the bright afternoon light. "You gonna call Cassie?"

  "Hell, no." They started down the sidewalk toward the pub where they were meeting the other guys to celebrate. "She's got this big conference thing tomorrow and is trying to handle all the last minute details with the resort. I'm not talking to her until I have to."

  Julian laughed. "You're insane, mate. You should have just done it at the courthouse in little Harrisburg and been done with it. You know People tried to get me to give them exclusive photographs?"

  "And?" Seth glared at him.

  "And they weren't offering enough money. You're no Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, after all."

  "Wanker."

  "Ohmigodit'sSethGrahamandJulianManchesterOhmigod!"

  The men halted as a trio of teenage girls jumped in front of them, squealing and bouncing and generally freaking out. They took a minute to sign autographs and give hugs--Seth carefully, Julian enthusiastically, while some paparazzo snapped a couple of shots.

  "Still trying to make Georgie jealous?" Seth asked him once they were able to move on.

  "Not with those babies. They're hardly older than Amie." Julian said his daughter's name with sadness. His side trip to see her when they'd been in the States a few weeks ago hadn't gone that well. "Daddy Bill" did everything the right way, and Julian did everything wrong. Cassie figured it was typical pre-teen drama, but Julian couldn't see it that way.

  "When is Micheline taking Amie down to St. Thomas?"

  "Tomorrow." Julian opened the door to the pub and let Seth enter before following him. "They're doing the family vacation thing before I get there."

  Seth didn't know what to say to ease his friend's obvious pain, so he just clapped a hand on his shoulder and squeezed a little. Julian gave a half nod, then turned on his "party man" persona when the guys shouted a greeting from the back.

  "To being done with the bloody album," Robert toasted. They clanked bottles and drank, but Brad hurriedly changed the focus.

  "To comebacks that last longer than a fuckin' month!"

  "To reconciliations that do the same!" Julian crowed.

  "To best mates," Seth offered, and the others quieted. "To pulling us through, no matter what hard times come."

  "Cheers," said Brad. They drank, then he added, "To Troy, the wanker. No offense, Reggie," he said to the new guy. "You're a good drummer and all, but Troy's history."

  "None taken." Reggie still had the shell-shocked look of a Pop Idol contestant in the first round, but they'd all gotten pretty comfortable together over the last several months.

  "All right, listen, guys. I know you've all got a lot of steam to blow off when we get to the Caribbean, but--" He broke off as they whooped. "This is serious business. Don't call me Pete," he warned, pointing his bottle at Julian, who grinned and tugged his navy-blue bangs. "Cassie will have my ass if this wedding is disrupted by drunkenness, disappearances, floozies, or the media. Especially the media. So don't fuck it up."

  "No worries, mate," Brad said. "Marci will be there. I'm not carousin' unless it's with her."

  "She's game for anything, Braddy, and you know it. I don't trust either of you." He eyed Robert. "How's Arliss?"

  The guitarist shrugged. He'd been very tight-lipped about that relationship, but Seth knew all of Cassie's friends, the Silverettes as they'd called themselves, would be there. Arliss had thrown a tantrum the last time they were all together. Seth hadn't witnessed it, but he'd heard about it. She'd seemed taken with Robert, so maybe he could keep her in check.

  "What are you so worried about?" Julian asked. "You're like a bloody mother of the bride, all nervous about this."

  He loved these guys, but there was no way he was airing his relationship problems with them. "Just trying to keep Cassie off my neck," he said. "You know how women are about weddings." He cringed, thinking about her reaction if she heard him say that. Cassie was very much not like other women. He doubted she'd care if something interfered with the actual ceremony. But she'd been very annoyed of late with the whole media thing--they'd gotten hungrier the closer the wedding date came. Not that it had been revealed officially to anyone, but word always got out. He was afraid she would decide getting married was not a good idea before she knew they could handle the pressure of his renewed lifestyle.

  His trip to Harrisburg had been perfect after that first night. Cassie had laid off about his dreams, and he hadn't had any more. But since then... Their phone calls had gotten shorter and shorter, and the arguments longer.

  Robert was eyeing him knowingly. "I can--"

  "Don't you dare offer me a health drink," Seth warned. The others chuckled. Robert smiled, but his eyes still assessed Seth with far too much awareness.

  Seth drained his fake beer and thumped the bottle on the table. "All right, mates, I'll see you in St. Thomas."

  "That's all?" Brad looked dismayed. "You've been here ten minutes."

  "I have better things to do than hang around with you lot." He aimed a punch at Brad's shoulder. "Don't stay here too long."

  "Yeah, yeah," they grumbled at him. Julian signaled the waitress, and Seth walked outside.

  To be accosted by the fucking paparazzo again. He lifted a hand to shove the camera away, but caught himself and forced a grin. Better to look easygoing and boring than boorish and offer ammunition. He waved down a cab and a moment later left the shutterbug behind.

  * * * *

  "Why don't you just use the kiosk?" Seth nudged Julian toward the self-service check-in for their airline, but Julian shook him off.

  "How can I flirt with the attendant if it's a screen? Hello, luv. How are you today?" he said to the eleven-ish girl in line in front of him. She blushed and half hid behind the older man she was with, probably her father, to look at them. The man scowled at Julian, who held out a hand. "Nice to meet you. Julian Manchester, Blue Silver."

  The man's face cleared and he nodded.

  "Right. Going to St. Thomas, then? So am I. My best mate is getting married." He motioned to Seth, who shook his head and ducked around the kiosk to scan his e-ticket. Julian chattered on with the people in line, enjoying himself as always, but Seth went on ahead through security and found a seat around the corner from their gate, mostly out of sight. He wasn't co
urting any kind of publicity on this trip, he didn't care how vital it was to be visible pre-release. Pete could deal with Cassie if he had a complaint.

  Julian showed up right before the call to board first class came.

  "Good timing, that," he said jovially.

  Seth scowled and strode to the attendant. Her smile faded when she saw his face, and her "enjoy your flight" came out much softer than it had for the people ahead of him. Once on board he shoved his bag under the seat and stared out the tiny window. A moment later Julian dropped beside him.

  "What's got your knickers in a twist, mate?"

  Seth didn't answer. He felt like he had back in the day, when he was at the end of a high and before he could start the next one. Except instead of being aggravated by every little thing around him, he was only aggravated by Julian.

  Julian shrugged and turned to the woman across the aisle. "You look like you're already in the islands." He spent a good five minutes talking fashion with her, until the flight attendant stopped at their row.

  "Good morning," the man said, bending toward them and keeping his voice low.

  "Mornin'!" Julian grinned. Seth gave a grudging nod.

  "We wanted to let you know that our first class passengers are very important to us. I'm sorry we weren't alerted you would be on board, normally we have special boarding procedures for passengers of your status. Our intention is to keep coach passengers out of this section--"

  Seth felt a little burst of panic. The last thing he wanted was media attention because they'd caused a riot on board. He'd rather sign a couple of autographs than have their fans throw hissies and draw more attention to them.

  "It's no trouble," he told the man, but he only grew more earnest.

  "We want to ensure this flight is a positive experience. Please let us know if anyone bothers you, or if you are in need of anything at all."

  "Anything?" Julian winked. "That's a mighty broad offer."

  The man blinked. "Pardon?"

  "What's your name?"

  "Edward, sir."

  "Well, Edward, are there restrictions on what 'anything' can be?" Julian waggled his eyebrows. Edward blushed, which would have been funny if Seth was in a mood to be amused. He'd swear the man was straight.