Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.htm Read online

  Finely slice the radishes and spring onion (lengthways) and arrange into pretty patterns on two plates, along with the watercress. Using a very sharp knife, carefully slice the fish as thinly as possible. Serve immediately, with the soy dip.

  Eananana Soup Surprise

  People say: 'What's so surprisin' about bananana soup?' And I say, it's got banananas in it. Of course, if you've ever read my book The Joye of Snacks you'll spot that some of my special ingredients have been left out. People complained they made the soup a bit too surprisin'.

  SERVES 4

  4 large banananas, peeled

  470ml vegetable stock

  155ml dry sherry

  1 heaped teaspoon ground nutmeg

  1 heaped teaspoon brown sugar

  2 heaped teaspoons chopped chervil pinch of salt and pepper 1 teaspoon lemon juice

  CHOP TWO OF the banananas and put into a pan with the stock. Blend or mash until the banananas are smooth and well, er, blended. Slowly bring the liquid to simmering point, taking care not to let it boil, and add the remaining ingredients. Stir gently for 2-3 minutes to ensure that all the sugar has dissolved and leave to simmer for a further 5 minutes, stirring frequently.

  Take the remaining two banananas and chop them in half width-ways. Place each half in a bowl, pointing upwards. Pour in some soup and serve. Surprisin', eh?

  Celery Astonishment

  All right, it's not that astonishing. They wouldn't let me add all the inter-estin' bits, especially the aubergine. They said someone's wife laughed. I just think mealtimes should be amusing. That's my opinion.

  SERVES 2

  1 large head of celery

  300(7 cooked nee

  1 green pepper, seeded

  and chopped 3 tomatoes, chopped

  60g grated Parmesan cheese 1 teaspoon lemon juice 1 tablespoon chopped tarragon 1 egg, beaten salt and pepper

  PREHEAT THE OVEN to 2OO°C/Gas 6. Prepare the celery by carefully removing the inner stalks, any leaves, mud, etc., to form a hollow. Mix together all the remaining ingredients except the egg, and check seasoning. Bind together with the egg-

  Take a large piece of lightly oiled cooking foil and place it on a baking tray. Place the celery on the foil and stuff it with the mixture. Tie with string around the loose ends to prevent the stuffing falling out, wrap in the foil, and bake in the oven for lV2-2 hours until celery is tender.

  To serve, carefully unwrap and place on an oval serving platter with two judiciously placed baked potatoes mayhap. Carve at the table.

  Pnmal Soup

  A popular dish at Unseen University and, it is rumoured, among the gods themselves. It is said to be the soup from which all life evolved, and if you leave this one long enough life will definitely evolve in it.*

  SERVES 4 AS A MAIX COURSE OR 6 AS A STARTER

  470ml fish stock

  50g salmon, filleted and skinned 50g cod, filleted and skinned 12 mussels, shelled and cleaned 50g crab meat (prepared) or 4 crab

  sticks, roughly shredded 6—10 baby octopus tentacles, cleaned 230g tin chopped tomatoes 150ml dry white wine 2—3 cloves garlic, crushed

  1 tablespoon roughly chopped parsley 1 tablespoon chopped dill

  1 teaspoon paprika

  2 vermicelli nests (approx. 25g each) 100^ shrimps, shelled and cooked a few drops gravy browning I green

  food dye (optional) 1 large ew. beaten

  o ocV

  salt and pepper :

  HEAT THE FISH stock in a large pan. Roughly chop the salmon and cod and drop into the stock.

  Simmer on a gentle heat until the fish is nearly cooked. Then remove from the heat and stir until the fish chunks separate and break down. Return to the heat and add the mussels, crab meat and tentacles. Bring to a simmer. Add the tomatoes and wine and return to a low heat. Add the herbs, garlic and seasonings, the vermicelli and shrimps, and simmer until the pasta cooks. Add browning/food dye if required, and check seasoning. Finally, add the egg and gently stir until cooked. Then quickly bring the mixture to the boil for a few seconds and serve.

  "'Technically (see The Science of Discworld), primal soup should be a vivid turquoise. But no one who is anyone was there, so why worry?

  Bread and Water

  (Kindly donated by Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork)

  3 whole, freshly baked loaves 1 flagon freshly drawn water

  HOWEVER EFFICIENT A ruler may be, there is always someone, isn't there, who feels that his diet might be improved by some artificial additive, such as arsenic. Many rulers have sought ways to avoid this. This is one classical method:

  Have sufficient dough made to make three loaves of bread. Bake the resulting loaves in an oven. Both these operations should be supervised by at least two reliable employees.

  Select one of the three loaves (the other two must be eaten by the baker). Slice it. Select slices at random and have these tested in your presence by members of the Palace staff (or members of your family if you are not fortunate enough to live in a palace). From the remaining slices select one; place this on a plate selected at random from the kitchens. Have the remaining plates licked by the kitchen staff; pause to observe any negative reactions to this operation, or to the earlier slice-testing.

  In the meantime, have a bucket of water drawn from the well. Have this boiled, poured into a flagon and cooled. From this flagon pour four glasses of water. Select three at random and have them drunk by different members of the Palace staff from those who are testing the bread/plates.

  You might now believe that you have a glass of water and some slices of bread that are free of poison, in which case you have failed to grasp the situation. There are such things as antidotes, which even a trainee poisoner will have taken as a precautionary measure. And then of course there was the case of Lord Samphire: the bread

  passed the test, and so did the water. The problem came to light only if you ate the bread and then drank the water.

  Here is my preferred method, which has stood me in good stead.

  1 Arrange the politics of the country over a period of years so that poisoning you will be more trouble than it is worth and interfere with the private ambitions of too many people just at the moment.

  2 Make sure that there are among the city's civil service some unpredictable men who will consider your poisoning a personal insult against them, and generally cause a lot of fuss.

  3 Then eat what you please.

  Mrs Colon's Genyoom Klatcbian Curry

  A note from the editors: Few recipes in these pages have caused so much debate as this one. Anyone over the age of forty knows how the classic recipe goes, because it has been invented and reinvented thousands of times by ladies who have heard about foreign parts but have no wish to bite into them.

  Its mere existence is a telling argument for a liberal immigration policy.

  Like real curry, it includes any ingredients that are to hand. The resemblance stops there, however. It must use bright green peas, lumps of swede and, for the connoisseur of gastronomic history, watery slivers of turnip. For wateriness is the key to this curry; its 'sauce' should be very thin and of an unpleasant if familiar colour. And it must use a very small amount of 'curry powder', a substance totally unknown in those areas where curry grows naturally, as it were; sometimes it's enough just to take the unopened tin out of the pantry and wave it vaguely over the pan. Oh, and remember that the sultanas must be yellow and swollen. And soggy. And sort of gritty, too (ah, you remember . . .)

  Last-minute warning: This recipe has been changed slightly in order to make it quite nice really. Well, better than the real thing, anyway. A lot better, come to think of it. Foreigner-free curry is probably the nearest most humans get to the philosophy behind dwarf bread; the mere thought of it makes you prepared to eat almost anything else.

  S E R V E S 4

  2 tablespoons sunflower oil

  1 large omon, roughly chopped

  2 cloves garlic, chopped

  225g broccoli florets />
  1 red pepper, seeded and chopped

  1 green pepper, seeded and chopped

  350g swede, chopped and boiled

  until just tender 225g peas (frozen mil be fine) 50g raisins or sultanas 1 teaspoon each of ground ginger,

  cumin and coriander

  1 teaspoon curry powder (optional, for old time s sake) /2 teaspoon ground turmeric 175ml coconut milk

  250ml vegetable stock tomato puree to thicken, if needed 2 teaspoons brown mustard seeds salt and black pepper

  PREHEAT THE OVEN to 180°C/Gas 4. Heat the oil in a large frying pan. Add the onion, garlic, broccoli, peppers and cook until the onion starts to soften. Then add the part-cooked swede, the peas and raisins and cook gently for a further 5 minutes. Add the spices (but not the mustard seeds), the coconut milk and about half the vegetable stock. Cook for a further 10 minutes or so, adding extra stock if the mixture needs it. If it seems too runny, add a little tomato puree to thicken.

  Transfer the mixture to a casserole dish, season, sprinkle with the mustard seeds, cover and cook in the oven for about 45 minutes. Serve with rice or nan bread. Run away. %

  Sergeant Fred Colon of Ankh-Mbrpork City Watch is a man known to be against 'anything foreign' in all walks of life. This curry, devised by his wife, is one of a range of special 'morporkified' Colon dishes that include the Fish 'n' Chip Pizza, Fried Sushi and smorgasbord with the tops on.

  Sheep s Eyes

  Everyone knows they eat sheep's eyes in

  Klatch, but no one reports actually seeing

  them doin' it.* I call this suspicious.

  Oh, yes, they offer them to guests.

  I bet if I lived in a desert I'd do

  anything for a laugh, too. This

  recipe is, er, restored. That is,

  it's a complete fake. But it's a lot

  more edible.

  eyeball-sized pickled onions (as many as you wish to make)

  stuffed green olives tube of cream cheese

  CAREFULLY REMOVE THE inside of each onion, taking care to leave the outer skins intact except for a hole at either end. (Note: one of the holes must be big enough to have an olive pushed through it.) Half fill the skin with cream cheese and then insert an olive, making sure that the stuffing is visible . . . some of the cheese should squirt out of the other end, making a 'tail'. If it doesn't, squirt in more until it does!

  *See Jingo for the correct etiquette when offered sheep's eyes.

  Slumpie

  Your classic Sto Plains Slumpie, one of Ankh-Morpork's most famous dishes, is one of your stick-to-the-ribs meals, 'cos there's times when it's too cold for any of that fancy vitamin stuff. Technic'ly, Slumpie should have vast amounts of mashed-up elderly potatoes and swedes, with a big knob of butter to help 'em, but Slumpie is a bit like chop suey, which is Agatean for 'all the labels have fallen off the tins', and you can make it out of more or less anything so long as you call it Slumpie. This one has got some actual flavour, and is designed as a main dish rather than as something to stop the meat falling off the plate.

  SERVES 3-4

  500g minced beef

  1 tablespoon vegetable oil

  3 cloves garlic, chopped

  WOg fresh mushrooms, sliced

  470ml beef stock

  470ml dark ale

  375g frozen leaf spinach

  1 tablespoon tomato puree I heaped teaspoon rubbed sage 1 heaped teaspoon English mustard salt and pepper

  60g butter and 60g flour, mixed to a smooth paste (optional; use, if required, to thicken the sauce)

  BROWN THE MINCE in the oil with the garlic. Add the mushrooms, stock and ale and bring to the boil. Add the spinach and the rest of the ingredients and bring back to the boil. Simmer for about half an hour or until the liquid has reduced by about a quarter.

  Serve with clooty dumplings (page 56), or with mash.

  Rmcemnd's Potato Cakes

  Note from the editors: We confess to some difficulty in getting a recipe out

  of Rincewind, one of Unseen University's best-known wizards. It

  involved a considerable amount of travel, much of it at high speed, since

  Rincewind's major talent is to run away from anything that is frightening

  and this, when you come to think of it, is

  a pretty good definition of the universe.

  The original suggestion, shouted over his

  shoulder, was 'Potatoes! Lots of potatoes!

  In their jackets! In great big baths of

  butter!'

  This seemed to us to be too close to

  the Librarian's recipe (see page

  80), although it uses a

  vegetable rather than a

  fruit (except that the

  potato is technically a nut). However,

  we understand that Rincewind has

  been so long away from the one thing

  that makes life worthwhile

  (potatoes) that he will eat

  anything if it has a potato in it.

  MAKES 6-8

  1 onion, chopped

  35 Og potatoes, cooked and mashed

  1 teaspoon sage

  1 or 2 eggs, beaten

  lOOg white breadcrumbs, dried

  sunflower oil

  Fry the onion in a little oil until softened. Stir into the mashed potato with the sage and allow the mixture to cool. Then form the mixture into patties, about the size and shape of small, thick beefburgers. Brush the patties with the beaten egg and then turn them in a bowl containing the breadcrumbs. Heat some more oil in a frying pan and fry the potato cakes until they are golden brown. They are quite delicious and can be eaten on the run.

  Lady Sybil Vimes's Kedgeree

  I have to tell you that this should have been a recipe from Commander Vimes of Ankh-Morpork City Watch. He is a man who thinks that if it isn't fried it isn't really food, and the recipe would have been Pork Scratchings Cookies, which are a real treat for anyone whose favourite food group is Burnt Crunchy Bits.

  However, Lady Sybil feels that since he's a Duke and a Sir and a couple of other things as well her husband should have more nobby* tastes, and there's nothing more nobby than those breakfasts where you have to lift three silver lids before you even find something you recognize. Even though he feels a bit of a class traitor. Commander Vimes agrees that there's nothing like a bit of early-morning haddock to build an empire.

  I always say that if you've got a good breakfast inside you you can face anything the day has in store.

  ""Which is not the same as the same tastes as Nobby Nobbs, and certainly not the same as the taste of Nobby. Sometimes even my mind can boggle a bit.

  SERVE S 4

  150g long-grain nee 125ml milk 125ml water 450g smoked haddock

  50g butter

  1 tablespoon mild curry powder

  2 hardboiled eggs, chopped salt and pepper

  ADD THE RICE to a saucepan of boiling salted water and cook until al dente (posh for one step away from being mushy) - about 15-20 minutes. Drain and rinse it, and leave in the strainer.

  In a frying pan heat the milk and water to simmering point, add the fish and poach gently for about 5 minutes. Lift out the fish and carefully remove the skin and bones; break up the flesh into medium-sized pieces. Discard the cooking liquid.

  Melt half the butter in the frying pan, blend in the curry powder, add the flaked fish and warm the mixture through. Remove from the heat and stir in the chopped eggs. Season with salt and pepper.

  In a separate pan melt the remaining butter, add the rice and stir well to coat the grains. Season, then add this mixture to the fish and eggs. Mix well.

  Serve on a warmed dish. Then go out and conquer a continent.

  Fikkun Haddock

  As my dad used to say, if you're goin' to have a haddock you don't want a fin'un. By the time they got all the way up to Lancre, in the mountains, the fish were high in more ways than one and a good cook would try all sorts of ideas to disguise the flavour, su
ch as serving it in delicate sauces, often involving creosote, or, in the worst cases, wrapping it in lead foil and throwing it over a cliff. This one is for fish who aren't so far gone!