A Taxing Situation Read online

  “Oh, my!”

  “Let’s go!”

  We went out and got into Darlene’s Audi.

  * * * *

  “You were right,” Darlene told Sandy the next day. “She wasn’t harmful at all. She even took me out to dinner afterwards, said it was a Russian, or something, tradition seeing we hadn’t killed each other.”

  Sandy laughed. “And I bet she kissed you after you got home.”

  “Yes! And what a kiss! I had to sit in my car to recover until she’d driven away.”

  “Yup, that’s Joanie.”

  “It took me quite a while to recover from it.”

  “Yes. Did she tell you that was another tradition from outer space?”

  “She didn’t say anything. She just kissed me, got out of the car, and left. I didn’t know what to think of it.”

  “Oh, dear. You might have her stalking you next.”

  “Stalking me?”

  “Yes, but don’t worry. She won’t do anything. Did she bring a bottle of Moxie to you?”

  “Yes. And you were right. That stuff was horrible. I don’t know how she can drink it.”

  “I think to her, Moxie is a courting gift.”

  “A courting gift?”

  “You didn’t say you liked it, did you?”

  “Of course not. I said it was different.”

  “That’s good.”

  “I was trying not to hurt her feelings.”

  “If you’d said you liked it or you hated it, that would have urged her to continue.”

  “Then I’m glad I said what I did. I’m not familiar with intergalactic, or interplanetary, or whatever the hell she wants to call them, courting rituals.”

  “I think she makes them up as she goes along.”

  The doorbell rang.

  “Oops, hold on a moment. There’s someone at my door.” Darlene went to the door and looked through the peek-hole. A delivery man stood outside. She opened the inner door.

  “Delivery for Darlene Rogers,” he said. He held a massive package.

  “That’s me.”

  “This is for you. Want me to bring it inside? It’s kind of heavy.”

  “Yes, just set it on that chair.”

  She held the door open as he walked in and placed it where she’d indicated.

  “I need a signature.”

  He held out the radio pad, and Darlene signed her name.

  “Have a nice day,” he said as he left to go back to the Regal Flowers van parked out front.

  Darlene closed the door and turned to rip open the covering on the package.

  Inside was an enormous display of cacti plants. She looked through it carefully, but there was no card.

  “Good heavens!” She called out as she went back to the phone. “Tell me,” she said to Sandy, “Joan wouldn’t have a strange sense of the romantic, would she?”

  “What did she send?”

  “A gigantic arrangement of cacti plants. It must weight thirty pounds.”

  “Yup. That’s her.” Sandy laughed.

  “There was no card, but it had to be from her. I don’t know anyone else who would send something like that. This may have gone too far.”

  “Probably not.” Sandy chuckled. “If I were you, I’d expect something every day.”

  Darlene groaned.

  “By the way, how many plants were there?”

  “Three, I think.”

  “Were they all in one flower pot?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s good. You should only get two tomorrow, and three the day after.”

  “She’d keep adding one every day?”

  “Oh, no. You wouldn’t be that lucky. The fourth day you’ll get five.”

  “What?”

  “Unless she started with three. If she did, you’ll get five tomorrow and eight the day after.”

  “Eight? What happened to four, six, and seven?

  “That’s Fibonacci. Joan thinks in the Fibonacci series; one, two, three, five, eight, thirteen, twenty-one, et cetera.”

  “How do I put a stop to it?”

  “Don’t respond. She’ll get the message.”

  “You think? But are you certain?”

  “Yes, she’ll lose interest in a couple days or so, or some alien will take up her time. Maybe the owl will come back.”

  “Good God, Sandy, you didn’t tell me this was one of the things I’d have to put up with.”

  “Let it ride. She’ll go away.”

  “I’m not sure I have room for all her gifts. I hope you’re right about her being harmless.”

  “She hasn’t killed an earthling in over two years.”

  “What?” Darlene almost screamed.

  “I’m kidding you. I told you, she won’t harm anything. It’s against the Alliance Prime Directive. She does have ethics.”

  “Now you sound like her.”

  “Yes, scary, isn’t it?”

  * * * *

  The next day, Darlene got a special delivery over-night package from Brazil. It contained five kilograms of cashews. The day after, another package arrived from The Kogi Cashew Plantation with eight jars of cashew apple spread.

  “I’ve got to stop this right now,” Darlene thought. She couldn’t imagine what she’d get thirteen of the next day. She prayed it wouldn’t be thirteen bottles of that Moxie crap.

  She drove over to Joan’s house. It was a cute little cabin-like place set out in the woods. Joan owned fifty-five acres. Of course, according to the Fibonacci series, thirty-four were wooded; the other twenty-one had been cleared for farming or grazing. Joan hadn’t bought any big livestock yet, but there were several flocks of chickens with a few roosters. Darlene didn’t want to know how their ratio fit in.

  Joan was amazed when she answered the door. “Hello,” she exclaimed as she held the door open. “Come on in.”

  “I wanted to thank you for the nuts and apple spread…and, of course, the cacti. You didn’t need to do all that.” Darlene stepped into the house.

  “It wasn’t a big deal.”

  “Yes, it was. Thank you, but you need to stop. This is much too much. You don’t need to do all that.”

  Joan smile sheepishly. “I was hoping you’d like them.”

  “I do! But it’s too much. I tried the apple butter and love it, but I won’t eat all that in years! Plus, all the cashews! When will I ever eat all those cashews?”

  “Oh, there’s all sorts of things you can do with cashews. Besides eating them, if you grind them down into a powder, you can use it just like you do cornstarch. You can cook with it or use it after your shower. It makes a great scrubbing cleanser for cleaning the kitchen. Or you can add it to a cup of coffee! It tastes great! Also, the powder is so light, you can take it anywhere! You can even take it on a flight to Mars.

  “I’m not going to Mars in this lifetime, I don’t think.”

  “But what if we have World War Three and we have to leave here? Or the ozone gets completely depleted? Old Mother Earth can’t withstand all we do to her. She’s going to give up one of these days. The Eldorans have already started to make shelters for us on their planet. They said we’re welcome there.”

  “I’m sorry, Joan. I’m really not into this science fiction stuff.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t believe in extraterrestrial visitors…however, I do believe your aliens made that horrendous Moxie drink. It tastes like moose piss.”

  Joan stood back, stunned.

  “I’m sorry to offend you and I know you think all these gifts are very special, but to me, they’re not. Please stop. I do not want you to send anything else.”

  Joan stood there as Darlene turned and walked out to get into her car.

  * * * *

  How did Darlene know Moxie tasted like that? Sure, that’s how the Ektoids watered their crops, but where had she drunk moose piss…and why? Darlene Rogers was weird.

  I went out to feed the chickens later that afternoon and collect the
eggs. There was another two dozen or more today. That would be a good gift for the food kitchen in town. Although I loved eggs; fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, quiche, and any other way I came up with, I really wasn’t in the mood to cook today, nor mow the grass.

  I looked out over my property. The acres that I’d cleared were already starting to regrow all the bushes and trees that had been there. Maybe I needed some cattle or elephants to mow it. Wol might know who was in the neighborhood that could do that. I’d seen him out here last night, although he hadn’t stopped by to tell me he was back. When I head into town to deliver the eggs, I’d have to get more hamburger meat for him.

  Another car drove up my driveway. It was Tony, my young neighbor from down the street. Tony was only a senior in high school, but he was a bright young guy who’d go pretty far in life, if his parents didn’t stop him. He’d also read all of my books.

  “Hey, Captain!” he yelled with a big wave as he got out of his car.

  “You’ve got to stop calling me that,” I scolded him. “I haven’t gotten my own ship yet.”

  He laughed. “It’s just a matter of time. How’s it going today?”

  “Not too good so far,” I answered, walking back toward the house. “How are you?”

  “I was just going into town to run a couple errands for my mom and thought I’d stop by and see if you needed anything.”

  “Wow, that’s real sweet of you. Yes, I do need a couple things,” I replied. Maybe I wouldn’t need to go into town after all. “Your mom wouldn’t be needing any eggs, would she?”

  Tony pulled a paper out of his back pocket and scanned through it.

  “Yup, that’s one of the things. How’d you know?”

  I had to laugh. “I didn’t, but I’ve got two dozen that were just laid this morning. I was going to take them to the food kitchen but give them to your mom. That’ll save her some money, and these are better for you than store-bought.” I handed him the bucket with the eggs. “Came out of the chickens just a few hours ago. A couple are still warm. You can bring the bucket back the next time you come over.”

  “Wow, Joan, thanks. Say, did I hear Wol out here last night?”

  “Yes. I guess he didn’t need to go back after all, but he didn’t stop in to say hi. I’ll have to talk with him when he wakes up. By the way, can you pick me up five pounds of hamburger meat while you’re in town? I guess I should have a “welcome home” party for him tonight.” I reached into my pocket and drew out my wallet. Looking through it, I chose a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to Tony.

  “Sure thing. He likes the kind with the most fat, doesn’t he?”

  “You remembered.”

  “I will never forget. How else is it going around here?”

  “The weeds are taking over the grazing land. I should get some animals to keep that from happening.” I glanced at Tony. “While you’re in town, can you get me one of those ad papers? Maybe someone’s selling goats or something.”

  “I heard Dad talking about pigs last night. Since Old Mr. Melrose fell and hurt himself, he’s had to go to the rest home. His sons are starting to sell all his livestock. Dad was thinking of getting one of the big hogs and having it butchered. We’d have enough meat in the freezer for a whole year.”

  “Melrose? Isn’t he across town?”

  “Yes. I think they have a half dozen milk cows, a lot of pigs, and a couple donkeys.”

  “I’ve always wanted a donkey.” My face lit up. “You know they’re descendants of Asapians that came here about ten thousand years ago, but they couldn’t make it on earth and earth didn’t have the right mineral to make the fuel to get them back home, so they were stuck here.”

  “Asapia? Is that why they call them asses?”

  “Probably. I’ve never had the chance to talk to one.” I really liked Tony. He had a quick mind and seemed to get everything I threw at him. “Tony, you have a girlfriend, don’t you?”

  “Sure do.”

  “What would you send her if you wanted to impress her?” she asked.

  “Probably flowers. Why?”

  “I think I’m striking out,” I admitted. “She told me to stop sending presents.”

  “What did you send her?”

  “Three cacti, five kilos of cashews, and eight jars of cashew apple spread. I was going to send her a case of Moxie, but she said it tasted like moose piss.”

  Tony laughed. “How does she know that?”

  “I wondered the same thing.”

  “Maybe she was just overwhelmed by your generosity,” he suggested.

  “Think that’s it?”

  “Yes. Try sending just one of something.”

  “Just one?”

  “Yes, but it has to be something special. What does she do for a living?”

  “She just did my taxes. Saved me a bunch of money,” I told him. “She’s a CPA.”

  “She’s in the Cosmic Planetary Alliance?”

  I groaned. “I wish. She says she doesn’t believe there are alien visitors here on earth.”

  “Bummer.”

  “Yes, she’s one of those. I wish she’d let me introduce her to Wol or some of the others.”

  “If she’s a disbeliever, it may take a while.”

  “That’s what I feared. What kind of flower do you think I should send?”

  “I’ve found that girls like roses best,” Tony decided.

  “Think so? Will a florist deliver just one rose?”

  “No, bring it to her yourself. Say you came to apologize. Girls fall all over you when you apologize for something they think is stupid, even if you don’t. She might even kiss you.”

  I’d have to consider that.

  “Dress up real nice and go over there. She’ll be impressed.”

  I nodded. “Thanks, Tony. I may have to try that.”

  “I’m gonna get going. If you’re not here when I get back, I’ll leave the meat on your porch. Wol seems to like it better when it’s room temperature. Thanks for the eggs.”

  He got back in his car, drove around the circle of my front lawn, and went off down the driveway.

  I watched him go and then turned back into the house.

  Dress up real nice? That meant I’d have to take a shower first, too. I couldn’t go over there in good clothes smelling like my chickens.

  * * * *

  Darlene was sitting with another client when she heard the door to her office open. It was probably her next client.

  “I’ll be out in a couple minutes; Have a seat,” she called out. “I think that’s it,” she told Mr. Clyburn. “You should be receiving your refund in a week to ten days.” She pressed the send button on her computer, and Mr. Clyburn’s taxes were off to the IRS. “You can pay me today, or I’ll send you a bill.”

  “It would be easier if you billed me. I’ll have to take it out of my refund,” he said apologetically.

  “That’s not a problem,” Darlene said with a smile. She stood up and offered to shake hands.

  “Thanks so much for doing this,” Clyburn said as he stood and shook her hand. “I’ll see you next year.” He picked up all the forms she had filled out, turned, and walked out.

  Darlene took a deep breath. Two down, only one to go, but it had been a good day. Now to get to the last one. She walked out into the outer office and stopped short. “Joan!” she exclaimed.

  Joan sat there in a beige linen suit jacket, a bright scarlet shirt, with dark brown slacks. She looked rather nice today. She immediately stood up.

  “Hi,” she said softly. “I came to apologize.” She held out one purple rose. “I’m sorry for overwhelming you with all the cashews and stuff.”

  “Oh, Joan,” Darlene said, a warm grin on her face. “You didn’t have to do this either, but thanks.” She accepted the flower.

  “I know I get carried away from time to time, but I was really happy with my taxes. Are you sure you charged me enough?”

  “Yes. I charged you for each form and then a percent
of your tax payment. Would you like to see my charge chart?”

  “No, no, but you did so much work!”

  Darlene smiled. This was so unusual; she usually had to defend her charges. “That’s what I’m here for.”

  “I’d tell Sandy what a wonderful CPA you are, but I’m sure she knows that or she wouldn’t have recommended you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?”

  Darlene took a step back. “I have more clients tonight. This is my busy time of year.”

  “Oh. Well, a little later in the spring?” Joan asked hopefully.

  “We’ll see when that time arrives,” Darlene stated.

  Joan seemed disappointed. “All right. Should I call, or will you?”

  Darlene chuckled. This woman was so off-the-wall. There were times that Joan could be downright sweet, even with her lack of social skills. “Whichever of us feels the time is right.”

  “Fine with me. I won’t bother you until later.” She stepped forward and placed her hands on Darlene’s shoulders. She leaned forward.

  “No,” Darlene said, pulling back. “No kisses. No more extraterrestrial rituals.”

  Joan looked perplexed. “You didn’t like the kiss the other night?”

  “I didn’t say that, but we live on planet Earth. We should do Earth things, Joan. Don’t you think?”

  That seemed logical to Joan. “Yeah, sure.” She stepped forward and kissed Darlene once on each cheek. “That’s from France, although I think they adopted it from the Franconite.”

  My God, would Joan ever do anything that originated solely on this planet?

  “Good,” was all Darlene thought to say.

  “See you later,” Joan said as she turned and walked out the door.

  Darlene watched her go. That woman was definitely one of a kind. She looked down at the rose in her hand.

  How sweet this was, but I’d still rather she not bring all her science fiction thoughts into my life.

  As soon as Darlene saw Joan’s car drive away, another car pulled up into her driveway. Time to get back to work.

  * * * *

  Six weeks later, I was getting ready to leave for a series of SciFiCon lectures. I was all packed, and my bags were in my car. I should make the rounds of all my new livestock before I left. The cattle, milk cows, and donkeys were all grazing in the fields. I yelled to them, but even though the donkeys looked up, none of them seemed interested in talking to me.