Red Tape Read online

  “I’m sure you can lay off the donuts a tad. I should start calling you ‘Chubby’ instead of ‘Tex.’”

  “Oh, bring it on, sister. You sure you wanna go there? You really want me to tell you that you need to take off that extra baby weight?”

  “Hey! At least I have a reason that I gained weight. What is your reason? That Donut Palace is open twenty-four hours?”

  “All right. Touché. I’m outta here, if you think of anything else that’s missing or any other details, let me know. I’ll let you know if we find any fingerprints.”

  A couple of hours later, the office was cleaned up and we were back in business. Bonnie came in to tell me she had tried to research the numbers on the safety paper. She said that she remembered she had opened a pack of paper in December. I remembered that too, because I always place an order for more whenever we open a pack. The ream of paper that was currently in the drawer was the new pack that I had ordered. Bonnie hadn’t remembered to order more paper while I was out on leave. Since the receipt books were missing, she couldn’t tell how many certified copies she had issued while I was out.

  “Wait! You really think you issued over five hundred copies while I was gone? That’s an awful lot,” I told her.

  We didn’t have a hospital and we didn’t have a funeral home in Sunshine. The only time someone ordered a birth certificate is when a baby accidentally popped out in the toilet like on an episode of I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant and that’s not very often. Maybe once a year at most. Most death certificates were obtained by the funeral home in the town where they are located, so we issued very few deaths.

  “How many marriage and civil union licenses did you have so far this year?” I asked.

  Bonnie took out the log for applications. She told me she issued twenty-seven licenses. I didn’t think that twenty-seven couples would have ordered fifteen to twenty certified copies each. It occurred to me that the finance department would have a copy of our daily deposits as well as the bank records and probably a list of internal account activity. I was about to call them up when the fire alarms sounded.

  “You weren’t exaggerating when you said these alarms go off every week, were you?”

  “Nope, I wasn’t. Time for me to go gawk at men with big hoses.”

  I rolled my eyes. We headed outside and had to wait for a thumbs up to return to the building before we could get back to work. When we were permitted back inside, I headed over to finance and asked them how much money was in the vital statistics fees account. They reported there was eight hundred ten dollars in the account. Since the cost is ten dollars per copy, that meant we had only issued eighty-one copies. I started to worry. I walked back to Bonnie’s desk.

  “Bonnie, there are hundreds of sheets missing.”

  Bonnie looked at me in shock. “How can that be possible?” she asked.

  Then we heard whistling. I turned to see out of the window at our front counter and there he was again….a little slice of heaven on Earth. Oh geez, I had to stop thinking like that; I was like a high school girl when he was around.

  “Hello, ladies!” Officer Williams said.

  We both waved hello.

  “So, I heard you had a break-in. Anything missing?”

  Bonnie spoke up and said, “Safety paper,” after she realized that I seemed to be tongue-tied.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll catch the guy.”

  Bonnie said, “How do you know it was a guy?”

  Williams said, “I’m a cop, I know things. Besides, I can’t picture some little petite woman kicking in a door.”

  To that Bonnie replied, “Have you seen our mayor?”

  “Bonnie!” I exclaimed.

  Williams laughed.

  “Sorry, but she is kind of manly,” Bonnie said.

  “Not appropriate, Bonnie,” I said, then I went back into my office. I mean, it was funny, but I certainly didn’t want anyone to hear her making fun of the mayor. I imagined I could permanently lose a deputy if a certain someone overheard her.

  “He’s gone,” Bonnie shouted into my office.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You’re future ex-husband is gone and you can stop hiding in your office.”

  “What do you mean, my future ex-husband? I don’t even like him.”

  “Bull. You do like him. It’s written all over your face every time he is around. He makes you nervous. I can tell by the way you went hiding in your office.”

  “I didn’t go hiding in my office,” I said, insulted.

  “You should go out with him.”

  “Fine, I’ll admit, he’s ‘eye candy,’ as you would say. I enjoy the view, but I’m absolutely not interested in going out with him. Also, I seriously doubt he is interested in dating me.”

  “I have an idea—flash him your panties like you did with public works yesterday, then he’ll be interested.”

  “Oh my god, Bonnie. I can’t believe you just said that! I was so embarrassed. And you! You did nothing but laugh at me!”

  “I couldn’t help laughing; it’s a natural reaction. What could I have done, anyway?”

  “You could have warned me that there was a box behind me. You could have helped me up. You could have jumped in front of my crotch to limit the view.”

  She laughed. “Since I am so worthless and of no help to you, how about you let me go home early?”

  Since I was still in charge, I granted Bonnie her wish and decided to let all of the employees skip their lunches and start the holiday a little early. Tomorrow would be the Fourth of July. Traffic was horrendous on the island. Plus, I felt stressed over the happenings in the office this week and needed a break myself as well.

  Chapter 5

  Morning came entirely too early for me as usual. I wished I could have slept in on my day off, but that luxury no longer existed with a baby around. My parents invited me and Mandy over for a cookout later, but first, I was going to take Mandy to Sunshine’s annual Independence Day parade. I chose a pair of comfy shorts and a t-shirt to wear with flip-flops. I put Mandy in her pink and orange Hawaiian-print onesie and headed out at nine. The parade didn’t start until eleven, but because parking would be a scarce commodity and traffic would be atrocious, I thought it wise to leave early.

  I parked in front of my parents’ house and went in to wait for the parade to start.

  “Hi, Chelsey! Hi, Mandy, baby!” Mom said. “I went to the farmers’ market and got all fresh vegetables for later today—Jersey tomatoes, sweet white corn, and zucchini. We also have burgers, hotdogs, and chicken on the grill. I got you a bottle of that wine you like too, that Dornfelder.”

  “Thanks, Mom!” I said. “Do you want to go to the parade with us?”

  “No thanks, sweetie; we have too much cooking to do around here.”

  I fed Mandy her bottle, then put her down for a nap. I helped my mother shuck the corn and cut up the zucchini. “Where’s Dad?” I asked her.

  “I sent him to the grocery store to see what they had for dessert,” my mother said.

  My dad was still at the store when Mandy woke up from her nap. I changed her diaper and put her in her stroller. I grabbed a beach chair for myself and walked down to Main Street to join the other spectators. I knew Mandy didn’t know what was going on yet, but I always loved the parade and I wanted to share my traditions with her, even if she was too young to understand.

  It was a small parade, but people came out in droves to see it. The beating drums wafted through the air before I could see any musicians. It was bright and sunny out with a high of eighty-six degrees predicted for the day. The bay breeze kept the temperature comfortable.

  A bright red fire engine led the parade. We watched a showcase of colorful and lively floats stream by, created by various local groups including the Boy and Girl Scouts, the Historical Society, and veterans’ group. The Boat Club members dressed in pirate costumes. The school marching band had the crowd swaying to the beat. Clowns were throwing sweets and Fris
bees, encouraging youngsters to dive after them.

  The air smelled like popcorn and hotdogs from street vendors selling their goodies. I was enjoying the sight of the baton twirlers in their adorable red, white and blue costumes when I spotted the first of the classic cars slowly following down Main Street. It was a nineteen sixty-six Ford Mustang convertible painted canary yellow. The mayor was propped up inside the vehicle above the windshield, waving to the crowd.

  As she neared us, I saw something sailing through the air toward her. It was hard to make out, but it was white and looked a lot like a golf ball. Then splat! An egg hit her in the ear and splattered all over her face. A second egg had already been launched and as she tried to wipe yolk off her face, splat! Another one hit her in the head.

  The crowd gasped. The mayor ducked down in the car and covered her head with her arms. The driver couldn’t go anywhere as the parade was merely inching along. At least ten more eggs pelted the car, its driver, and Mayor O’Donnell. Splat, splat, splat. I could hear her cussing and shrieking. Everyone looked around to see where the eggs were coming from. Then I spotted him—Mr. Triggers, holding an empty carton.

  Foot patrols had been strolling along the parade route and they caught up to Mr. Triggers, who was leaving the scene. They wrestled him to the ground after he led them on a short foot chase. Mr. Triggers wasn’t very speedy at his age and weight. The police caught him quickly.

  “Holy shit,” I said after it all went down. “Oops, pardon my French.” My daughter couldn’t talk yet, but I had forgotten that there were other children in the vicinity, who might repeat my colorful language. Then I laughed my butt off.

  After the parade, I walked back to my parents’ house to find my father busy putting burgers on the grill. My mother was preparing a tomato salad.

  “You’re not going to believe what just happened!” I said to my mother. I told her the story, and she laughed too.

  I found my cousins, James and Daisy Primer, out on the back patio watching my dad do the grilling. They had driven in from Lawrenceville for the day. Detective Texidoro and his wife, Stephanie, were also joining us for lunch. When they arrived, I told them the tale of a dozen eggs and we all got a good laugh.

  I helped myself to a glass of wine. “I could use a little wine this week,” to no one in particular. I was only back to work for two weeks and I already had the urge to have a drink. I hadn’t had a drink in forever. I decided to stop breastfeeding the other day. It was fine while I was home with the baby, but I found it to be too cumbersome to pump while being back at work.

  “So, how were your first couple of weeks back to work?” Stephanie asked me.

  “Do you mean besides a robbery, a lunatic resident, and the fact that I’m acting administrator this week? Fantastic,” I said with a hint of sarcasm in my voice. I turned to Tex, “Any leads yet on our intruder?”

  Tex told me that there were no leads yet and that the fingerprints were still being processed.

  “Did you ask the mayor if she saw anyone strange lurking around?”

  “I did and she did not.”

  We agreed to stop talking shop and enjoy the day. My cousins lived more than an hour away and we didn’t see them as often as we liked, so we didn’t need to bore them with our work conversation.

  “By the way, Chelsey,” Stephanie said. “Jose and I have a friend that I am going to set you up with.”

  Oh no, I thought. I could feel my face getting warm. I started fanning myself with an empty paper plate that was on the picnic table in front of me. Were they talking about setting me up with Officer Williams? My heart started beating faster at the thought.

  “Well, I don’t particularly want to be set up.”

  “Look, you are single and we have a great guy for you. He’s handsome, successful, and he loves kids. What could it hurt to get out for one night? You admitted you were stressed about work. You need some fun.”

  My mom piped in, “I’ll watch the baby for you, Chelsey.” I glared at her as if to tell her not to do me any favors.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Who are we talking about here?”

  “His name is Kristof Beck and he owns Bratz Restaurant,” Tex told me.

  I was a little disappointed. I guessed Bonnie put the idea in my head about going on a date with Officer Williams and as much as I tried to deny it, I was very attracted to him.

  “Bratz? Where is that? I never heard of it. And what kind of a name is Kristof?”

  “It’s German,” Tex said. “And the restaurant is a German place with specialty Bratwurst and German beers. It’s in Jackson Township near Great Adventure. It’s a great place; you should try it.”

  “Maybe I’d be willing to try the restaurant, but I really don’t want to be set up. Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ll pass.”

  Stephanie and my mother pleaded with me a little, but I wasn’t having it. How would a restaurant owner have time to take me out anyway? I would think that while I worked days, Monday through Friday, he would have to work nights and weekends.

  As the sun started to set, my cousins headed out on the road back to Lawrenceville, and Tex and Stephanie bid us “adieu.” I stuck around for a while longer. My father built a fire in his chiminea in the backyard and I pulled up a beach chair near it. He looked at me. “You know, it’s only your first couple of weeks back at work. You’ll get back into the swing of things and you won’t be so stressed. It will all be fine.”

  “Thanks, Dad, I appreciate that and I appreciate all that you and Mom do for me.”

  It was chilly outside. I grabbed another glass of wine and wrapped myself in a blanket. The baby was asleep inside with my mom keeping a vigil eye over her. My father brought out some marshmallows to roast. I hadn’t roasted marshmallows since I was a kid and they had a way of making me feel like I had traveled back to those days when life was easy. The annual fireworks started. This is the life, I thought. This is what I love about this town. My family and friends, good food, the ocean air, and fireworks. I felt totally relaxed. I wished every day could be this way.

  * * *

  I was up at five o’clock in the morning, before the baby stirred. I tiptoed to the kitchen and put her bottle in the warmer. I selected a Wild Mountain Blueberry K-Cup. I needed the caffeine—I was feeling the effects of last night’s two glasses of wine. I popped a couple of Tylenol and had barely enough time to finish my coffee when Mandy woke up. I took care of her needs, then showered and dressed. It was getting hot outside so I had selected a gray skirt and a green short-sleeved top to wear.

  I picked up the morning newspaper outside of my front door on the way to drop off Mandy. The Town of Sunshine had hit the headlines again. “Egg on Her Face” was the title. I quickly skimmed over the article. Mr. Crazy Eyes was arrested for the egging. I wasn’t sure if he was immature or a nut case. I texted Bonnie after I buckled Mandy in her car seat: Front page, lol. A few beats later, I got a reply: I know! What a wacko. Mayor is probably pissed!

  There was a mound of paperwork waiting for me in my office—not only my work, but the administrator’s work too. I secretly hoped I wouldn’t hear from the mayor all day; she was sure to be in a bad mood. I was in the middle of signing purchase orders when I looked down at my shirt. Crap! I thought. My breasts were leaking. I didn’t have that problem while I was breast-feeding, but with having tried to stop, the milk just started leaking out. I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t think to buy any leakage pads to prevent myself from having this mishap. I reached for my tissue box. Empty. Double crap! I really needed to start bringing an extra shirt to work. I thought that I could possibly dry my shirt with the hand dryer in the ladies’ room for the time being. If not, I would have to run out for an early lunch to change. I folded my arms over my breasts and ran out of the door with my head down. I was walking fast and before I knew it—crash. I smacked right into the chest of Officer Williams. I turned bright scarlet. I had never felt more humiliated in my life!

  “In a hurry
?” he asked.

  I mumbled, “Yes,” and took off at full speed to the bathroom. I stayed in there, cleaning my shirt and hiding from him until I knew the coast was clear. I did not want to have to explain why my boobs were all wet. He was young and single. I’m sure he never experienced parenthood and I surmised he was clueless about the inner workings of the female breast. He was probably getting quite the laugh at my expense at the moment. I did my best, drying my shirt with the hand dryer. It didn’t look too bad. I padded my bra with toilet paper, then peeked out into the hallway to see if the coast was clear. Through the main doors, I could see that Officer Williams was outside in the parking lot, talking to the mayor. I hurried back into my office before anyone could see me.

  Bonnie started on me right away. “Ah, I see you bumped into Mr. Drop-Dead-Gorgeous,” she said sarcastically.

  “I’m mortified.”

  “I don’t think he noticed.”

  “I hope not!”

  “He is a hottie, but there’s something about him I don’t like.”

  What? How could there have been something about the most perfectly made creature on Earth that she didn’t like? I knew he didn’t talk very much. He wasn’t as friendly as Tex, but in my opinion, that made him a little more mysterious and very intriguing. He was the type of guy who could have had any woman in the world. I supposed I had to admit to myself that I did like this guy and certainly wouldn’t have minded it if he asked me on a date. Because I wanted everyone to think I was okay being a single mom and that I was independent enough to take care of myself, I refused to tell anyone that I didn’t want to just date. I wanted a father for my child. And since I seriously doubted he was ready to settle down with a new baby at the moment, I was S. O. L.

  “If you don’t like him, then why do you keep trying to get me to go out on a date with him?” I asked her.

  “I’d simply like to see you get out and enjoy yourself. You are such a great person and I know that what your ex did to you was terrible. You have a full-time job and a second full-time job raising a baby on your own. You deserve some fun. Besides, people don’t usually get serious with their rebounds anyway. I never thought you should get into a relationship with him. He doesn’t strike me as the relationship type. He’s more of a heartbreaker type. I just think you should do him.”