Diary of an Angel Read online

  My search for Lily began by looking for one of the nurses. It did not take long before I found one. She was on the ground, hunched over on all fours like a dog, with children piled on top of her back all laughing and giggling.

  I stood silently watching the merriment for some time before the nurse took notice of me.

  “You don’t want on, do you?” she said with a huge grin. I shook my head, very amused at such an idea. “Good, I don’t think I have room.” Then she went on playing.

  After another while, the game ended, the children’s attention having been diverted by a giraffe running by. The playful nurse came over to me.

  “To what do we owe the pleasure of a visit from an angel?” she said, apparently recognizing my mantle. “I hope you’re not here recruiting. I would hate to lose any of the children. They are all so precious, you see.”

  “I’m looking for a child...of the mortal over whom I have charge. Her name is Lily. She—”

  “Of course, Lily. She’s one of my favorites. I’m sure her parents miss her dearly. Come, I’ll take you to her.”

  The nurse turned and darted down a path, which disappeared into the woods. I followed, shaking my head. How did she know which Lily I meant? Surely she’s not the only one. I was pondering this, and wondering if I would ever learn the trick, when the path the nurse was leading me down came to a glade.

  Sunlight smiled down on the opening, glistening off dew-covered grass and dancing playfully on the surface of a brook running through it. All around, crawling babies and just-starting-to-walk babies played happily. Small animals—rabbits, puppies, squirrels, tiny song birds—hopped, scurried and flitted about, much to the babies’ delight. Several nurses were among the little ones, holding their hands as they walked, tickling their miniature feet, lifting them into the air like soaring birds—easily having as much fun as the children.

  “You’ll find that sweet Lily just over there,” the nurse said, as she pointed to a flower-laden knoll where a huddle of children sat petting an excessively attentive Dalmatian puppy. “Is there anything else you will need of me?”

  “No, thank you for your help.”

  “Of course, of course. Well, I’ll be heading back now. Enjoy.”

  When the nurse had left, I slowly approached the spot where Lily was. I’m not sure why, but I felt a touch of nervousness at meeting her. Perhaps, because I had just finished reading about her death. But there I stood, not an hour later, about to see Lily, more alive than she’d ever been on earth. That’s one of those things about heaven which takes some getting used to. My heart beat faster as I drew nearer.

  I recognized her the instant I saw her. Her sunlit hair. Her brilliant blue eyes and radiant smile. She looked just as she did in Angela’s book. She crawled over to me, as I came closer and sat up on her knees, arms out-stretched. I reached down, scooped her off the ground and hugged her tightly against my chest. My spirit purred like a kitten.

  Holding her in my arms I talked to her and told her who I was and why I’d come. She didn’t talk but seemed to understand all I told her. I had heard before of angels taking a deceased loved one back to comfort a grieving mother, father, son, daughter, husband, or wife. I wanted to do this for Angela. She wouldn’t actually see her baby girl, but she might still be comforted by her—if she listened. I explained my idea to Lily and she smiled joyfully in assent.

  “Good, then I will come for you tomorrow.”

  With another hug, I said goodbye, then set her back onto the ground. Until tomorrow then.

  * * *

  Lily, Clairus and I arrived in Angela’s bedroom just before she awoke. Angela lay next to Jack, who was snoring softly—Jack had taken to sleeping in since his job-loss. Lily clapped her hands excitedly when she saw them. I placed her on the bed in the Lily-size gap between them.

  Lily crawled up closer to her mother’s face. She patted Angela’s cheeks, kissed her, and wrapped her arms around her neck, placing her cheek next to Angela’s. There she lay, holding tightly until Angela opened her eyes. She opened them reluctantly, almost immediately shutting them, as if trying to block out the new day. Lily gave her another kiss and squeezed her more intently. I watched Angela’s thoughts with rapt attention. Her eyes opened again and stared blankly at the wall. Then she felt Lily’s embrace. Not her physical touch, but the warmth and love of it.

  They stayed like that for some time. Angela continued to lie on the bed, eyes opened but not seeing, like she was lost in a far-off dream. I felt loath to interrupt this sweet scene. After learning of my desires to bring Lily to Angela, Anawin had counseled me not make this merely a warm-feelings visit.

  “Angela needs to associate those feelings with Lily,” she had said. “That may require you to recall to her mind painful memories. She may push away when you do, but you must take the risk. Otherwise Lily’s visit to earth will be of little value. And Forenica...you’re not likely to be granted this opportunity again.”

  I crouched next to Angela’s bedside and began running my hands through her hair. I sighed. “Oh, Angela,” I said softly, but not for her to hear. “How beautiful you are! Heaven’s missing one of her stars.”

  Then I spoke to her. “Angela, that’s Lily. Lily’s here with you.” Lily’s name entered her mind like an electric shock. Almost immediately a floodgate released a surge of emotions. Bitter thoughts jabbed painfully at her mind. Guilt, regret, anger, spite all swirled and swelled within her, determined to rob her of the happiness she felt just moments before. Painful memories unfolded in her mind. But this was a battle she’d fought before. And at length, she forced those dark thoughts back into their hole.

  I took hold of her hand. “Lily’s here. She is well. She is OK.”

  Then I reached into the depths of her memory and pulled out sweet remembrances—painful still, but sweet. She saw in her mind scenes of Lily: the joyful day she was born; her first smiles and laughs; how little Catherine loved doting on her; the way she loved playing peek-a-boo with Jack; the mess she made the first time she ate solid food; her first attempts at crawling; the way her little mouth hung open as she slept peacefully. A faint smile touched Angela’s face. I told her again that Lily was happy and well. I told her over and over again, while Lily continued to pat and kiss her cheek. The thought reverberated through her mind.

  Slowly, imperceptibly, a new feeling began to grow inside her. That feeling which only heaven can grant, which can drive away grief and sorrow, and turn away fear. Peace. And it was to Angela as a warm quilt on a winter’s night. Tears began to pour from her eyes and collect on her pillow. I smiled at Lily, who was now kissing her mother excitedly. A soft hand touched my shoulder. I turned back to see Clairus, two teardrops resting on her smiling cheeks. With the briefest of nods she told me what I already knew—Lily’s time had ended.

  I nodded, and then turned back to them. How I wished we did not have to separate them again! If only Angela could have come back with us and leave the mortal world forever. But it was not her time. Lily gave her one final embrace, one that must last until that day when nothing would ever separate them again. Then picking Lily up once more, we returned her to heaven.

  * * *

  Angela was quiet and withdrawn for the rest of the day, a mix of emotions flooding her thoughts. Her unexpected experience that morning left her uncertain what to think or feel. For so long she’d held firm to her bitterness that letting it go felt unnatural.

  Justin and Kailey noticed their mother’s tractable behavior and readily took advantage of her, for which Avin and Viana were kept especially busy. Jack also perceived this change in Angela’s demeanor, though he made no comment to her about it. They were still avoiding unnecessary contact.

  A noticeable silence hung over dinner. Not even the usually loquacious Kailey uttered a word. I almost wished Justin would launch some food at Catherine just to break the silence. At last, dinner ended and the family members went their separate ways. I continued to cling to Angela as much as she would let m
e. With a little persuasion I convinced her to take an evening walk. She’d been in the house all day and needed to get out.

  Angela stepped out into the cool September air. The waning sun hung low in the sky, casting long shadows on the world. A light breeze carried the faint sound of drums from the high school band, playing off in the distance.

  Pensively, she walked down the sidewalk with her eyes stuck to the pavement. After a few blocks, she turned a corner, crossed the street, and left the sidewalk for a wooded pathway, which led through a small, dense population of trees. This small wooded patch eventually opened to a park, through which she continued her walk. Up a short hill her path led, passing a bench and lamp at the top, where Angela paused and sat down.

  The bench faced west. For the first time since she left, she noticed the sun. It hung low in the darkening sky, slowly sinking. She watched as vivid hues of raspberry and violet danced along the horizon. The sun, a burst of gold, cast its glistening light upon the scene, igniting the clouds in a fiery red. The entire world, the trees and hills, the birds and little creatures, even the drumming of the band seemed to have paused to watch God’s painting unfold.

  Angela gazed at the sunset in quiet reverie. She used to come to this hill often to watch the sun sink into the horizon. That was before Lily’s death. Now the glowing sky’s visage sparked sweet memories, which had lain dormant for too long.

  A few tears she’d bottled up all day trickled slowly down Angela’s cheek.

  “Look who’s coming,” Clairus said, unexpectedly breaking the silence. I looked down the path we had walked up with Angela. Jack was making his way irresolutely up the hill. Glaven followed closely at his heals, tenaciously prodding him forward. When they reached us I gave Glaven a how-did-you-do that look, to which he only responded with a smile and a wink.

  Angela hadn’t notice Jack approach. He was almost seated next to her before she looked up to see who it was. Her eyes grew wide with surprise at finding Jack next to her. Jack paused in a half-sitting position.

  “Hi,” he said, a bit awkwardly. “Mind if I sit here?”

  “No,” she responded softly, then returned her attention to the setting sun.

  The space between them on the bench was just slightly too close for strangers. Definitely too far away for two who were supposed to be one. For some time, neither of them spoke. Angela continued to watch the setting sun, which was now nearly out of sight, though the clouds above it still glowed like burning embers. Jack picked up a leaf from the ground and began picking it apart.

  Angela’s thoughts grew in intensity. She contemplated whether she should talk to Jack about Lily. She wanted to. She dearly wanted someone to talk to. But they had never been able to talk about Lily together. They had tried before, but it had always ended in harsh words and hurt feelings.

  I took Angela in my arms and encouraged and comforted. Her heartbeat increased as she thought about how to start, what to say. She stuck her hands beneath her thighs and rocked forward.

  “Do you ever wonder if Lily is OK?” she said, her voice faintly quivering. Jack started, completely taken off his guard by the question. He shifted in the bench uncomfortably.

  “What do you mean?” he asked slowly, after a considerable pause.

  “Do you think she’s in heaven? That we’ll ever see her again?”

  Jack’s answer came even more cautiously. “I guess so...at least, I used to think we would all be in heaven one day, before...” His voice trailed off.

  Another protracted silence followed.

  “I’m not sure what to think about God and heaven,” Angela said in a near whisper. “I haven’t known for a long time. But I think Lily’s alright.” She recounted to him her experience from the morning. How she had felt warm, inexplicable reassurance that Lily was happy and well. She shared every detail, opening herself up to Jack more than she had done for many years.

  When she’d finished she finally looked at him. But she no longer held his gaze.

  “Jack,” she said with increased confidence, “I owe you an apology. You must feel like I always blamed you for Lily’s...for what happened.” Jack pressed his lips together firmly. “I was wrong, Jack. I just wanted someone to blame. So, I clung to the thought that it was your fault. It seemed to make me feel better to believe I could have saved her. I’m sorry.”

  Jack maintained his unseeing gaze. Angela moved closer to him and put her head on his shoulder. “I love you,” she said. Slowly, he put his arm around her. “I love you, too.”

  VIII

  DIFFICULT QUESTIONS

  I raced to Angel Command that morning, impatient to discuss the previous day’s events with the others. I could hardly have felt happier about Jack and Angela’s reconciliation.

  The conservatory was filled with laughter when I entered. Glendor appeared to be sharing a humorous story from his “mortal days”—something greatly relished. He loved to make others laugh. And everyone (except for Anawin) was laughing contentedly.

  Anawin patted my hand as I sat down next to her, and Glendor decided to cut short his story. All eyes turned towards me.

  “Good morning, Forenica,” Glendor greeted, “I see you’ve brushed your teeth this morning.”

  I realized that I was smiling giddily, like a little child who can’t wait to open her Christmas presents. Undoubtedly, I must have looked rather silly grinning like a Cheshire cat.

  “We’re all glad that you are so happy this morning, dear,” Anawin said with a hint of reprimand directed at Glendor. “We would love to hear about what happened yesterday.”

  “Glaven can tell you. He was there, too,” I suggested, trying not to steal the show, though I desperately wanted to tell the story.

  “Oh, no!” responded Glaven, “This was Angela’s victory, by far. You need to tell it.”

  I didn’t protest further. Excitedly, I told them all that had passed since the previous day. I told them about my discovery of Lily—who they all knew about, of course. Of my trip to the Nursery and decision to take Lily to visit Angela. Of the brief but sweet reunion of mother and daughter, and the impact it had on Angela. How Angela’s thoughts and emotions swirled around Lily all day. Finally, I recounted the scene on the park bench, where Angela finally made amends with Jack.

  Anawin had brought Angela’s book, of course. She showed us a few of the moments I had just described. I watched with delight every scene. Above all, though, my favorite part was watching Jack and Angela walk arm-in-arm away from the park bench. By the end, little tears glided down my face. Anawin patted my arm. “Very good, Forenica. That was a giant step for Angela. We’re all pleased at her progress.”

  “Yes, brilliantly done!” added Glendor. “I think this calls for a celebration. Let’s bring out the champagne.” The others laughed, but Anawin just shook her head. “Seriously, dear, this is a happy occasion. Thank you for your diligence.”

  “Now,” he continued, “What are you planning to do about her relationship with Father? She evidently has some doubts about His goodness and mercy. She needs to understand that He does love her—more than she can comprehend.”

  “I’m not sure exactly what to do about that,” I admitted. “I wish that we could talk to her—like we’re talking right now. It’s so hard to get her to understand the simplest message.”

  “That is one of the challenges of our work. It is so for good reason, though. We cannot change it. But,” he said, as a scheming smile stole across his face, “there are ways of getting around that obstacle.”

  He paused for effect, and I looked at him skeptically, sure this was one of his jokes.

  “We have special operatives,” he continued, speaking as if he were revealing some highly classified information. “Grounds forces, you might call them, with special powers for communicating with mortals. We can call on them for such circumstances. What do you say, Anawin, should we bring in agent 00019?”

  Anawin shook her head. “He’s not entirely joking, dear. There’s nothing s
ecretive about them though. And they don’t have special powers or even code names. They are simply other mortals. Ones who have learned to listen to and follow heaven’s voice. Ones on whom Father can rely to do His will. In this case, my ridiculous husband is referring to Rachel, one of Angela’s closest friends.”

  “Precisely, my dear,” exclaimed Glendor. “I think she’s just the one for this job. What do you say, Forenica?”

  “You probably know better than I.” I had yet to meet Rachel. Though I knew about her from Angela’s book. She’d been with Angela the day Lily passed away.

  “That settles it, then. Soren, will you arrange with Violet to have Rachel visit Angela? Today, if she can manage it.”

  Glendor turned back to me. “I have great confidence in Rachel. You should plan on her visit today.”

  * * *

  For the entire morning I felt an eagerness for Rachel to come. Though, honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from her visit. I wondered how she could fix Angela’s perception of God. Glendor and Anawin had expressed confidence in the plan. That gave me hope.

  Nothing particularly eventful happened that morning. Jack had gone to follow up on a few job leads. Angela dropped off Justin and Kailey at school, returned home, and did some laundry. After completing a few other chores, she picked up the newspaper. As much as she disliked the idea, finding some sort of part-time employment might be necessary. Searching the Classifieds for a job, though, proved more depressing than she had imagined. Where were all the jobs? she wondered.

  She was about to get up from the table to make something for lunch when the doorbell rang. Probably Mrs. Mapleton, she thought to herself. When she opened the door she did not find Mrs. Mapleton standing on the porch, but Rachel—our secret agent. Angela’s face brightened ten-fold to see her. They hugged enthusiastically, and Angela invited her inside, where they began an animated conversation, catching up on recent events. Mostly they talked about their children, the new school year with its trials, challenges and scheduling nightmare—one endless stream of extra-curricular activities.