Eric Vale Epic Fail Read online

  This was EXACTLY what Secret Agent Derek Dale was waiting for!

  While his opponent was distracted, Derek rolled the bellybutton fluff into a hard pellet and flicked it into the cackling mouth before him. Bear Ninja slammed his jaws shut and clutched at his throat. His eyes bulged. His eyes crossed. His eyes rolled back in his head. He dribbled. His hair fell out. He turned purple. Derek sensed that his opponent was in trouble!

  ‘It’s a little known fact,’ Derek informed him as he began frothing at the mouth like he’d swallowed a bucket of washing powder, ‘that bellybutton fluff, well past its use-by date, contains twenty-two of the deadliest toxins known to man – or woman (Dale was always politically correct). It should never, I repeat never, be taken internally.’

  Go Secret Agent Dale!

  I was on a roll! I was writing like crazy now.

  ‘Thanks – for – the – tip. Must – remember – that,’ Bear Ninja choked out before he tumbled off the plank, completed a triple somersault and bellyflopped awesomely into the water below. A giant tidal wave of undies-contaminated water splashed from the pool in all directions. It completely soaked the hundred killer ninjas who were standing around it and they all immediately passed out or fell into a coma. The lucky ones didn’t survive.

  ‘Another little known fact,’ Derek said, even though there was no one left to hear him (or see him – which was just as well), ‘is that my smelly undies, well past their use-by date, contain twenty-THREE of the deadliest toxins known to man – or woman.’

  It was all just another day at the office for Secret Agent …

  ‘ERIC VALE!’

  Huh? What? My name was being called!

  Oh, no! I’d lost concentration and drifted off AGAIN! I was doomed to spend lunchtime with Mr Winter! That was worse than a gobful of Agent Dale’s toxic bellybutton fluff! Somehow I had to convince Mr Winter that I’d been listening all along. Before I could stop myself I did a Chewy and jumped up from my seat without thinking.

  ‘Yes, sir! I’m with you! I’m here! I’m paying attention! Yep, brink of extinction. I agree totally. Terrible, just terrible!’

  Then everything went really quiet. I looked around the room. The whole class was staring at me with these giant frowns like someone had gone around the room and scrunched up all their faces. Mr Winter’s regular frown had a frown all of its own. He hadn’t called out my name at all.

  Chewy told me afterwards what really happened.

  Apparently Mr Winter had been talking about how back in the past they brought all these cane toads to Australia from Brazil to eat the cane beetles that were wrecking the sugar cane crops. Only problem was, when they got here the cane toads, instead of eating those beetles like they were supposed to, just bred like crazy and started destroying all the native wildlife instead.

  When Mr Winter finished that story he said, ‘The introduction of cane toads into this country is a very good example of what you people today might call an … EPIC FAIL!’

  Except that’s not what I heard.

  Chewy said Mr Winter was looking pretty pleased with himself for coming up with that ‘epic fail’ thing. Or at least he was until I jumped up and blurted out, ‘Yes, sir! I’m with you!

  I’m here! I’m paying attention! Yep, brink of extinction. I agree totally. Terrible, just terrible!’

  Then Mr Winter just looked the same as everyone else in the class – gobsmacked.

  ‘Eric Vale, whatever is the matter with you?’

  ‘Aaaaaaaah, nothing, sir. Just thought I … ummmmm … heard something. But obviously … not. My bad!’

  I sat right back down as fast as I could. I almost got away with it too, but then Martin Fassbender looked at me and then back at Mr Winter and then back at me, and the frown on his face began slowly disappearing. It was being replaced by a terrifying grin.

  Next he pointed a finger at me and began making a strange noise.

  It sounded like a cat coughing up a fur ball the size of Tasmania. ‘Aaah … aha … aha … aha … awwwwwwww, I get it. Eric Vale …’ he said as his grin blew up even bigger and freakier. ‘… Sounds like … Epic Fail.’

  Then Martin turned to the kids around him.

  ‘Don’t you get it? Eric Vale – Epic Fail. Ahahahahahah!’

  Meredith Murdoch and Bobby Quan got it first. And then it started to spread like it was contagious. All around the room kids with big grins were turning to kids with big frowns and saying, ‘Eric Vale – Epic Fail. See? Hahahahahahahaha!’

  It was like I was one of those YouTube clips and I was going mega-viral!

  ‘Eric Vale, Epic Fail! Get it? Hahahahahahahaha!’

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘Eric Vale – Epic Fail. It rhymes!’

  ‘Oh yeah. Hahahahahahahaha!’

  ‘Huh? What’s the big joke?’

  ‘Eric Vale, Epic Fail! They’re almost the same!’

  ‘Hey, yeah! That’s hilarious! Hahahahahahahaha!’

  ‘What’s the matter with Eric Vale?’

  ‘He’s an EPIC FAIL!’

  ‘I’ll say! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!’

  It just kept growing and growing and getting louder and louder and even Mr Winter couldn’t stop it. Soon everyone in the class was either laughing out loud or grinning like a monkey.

  Everyone except me.

  And that’s how I got the stupid nickname ‘Epic Fail’. I wasn’t that worried about it at first. I figured if I ignored it and didn’t do anything else stupid for a while, it would just go away. At least that was my plan.

  That turned out to be a bit of an epic fail as well.

  o•o•o•o•o•o•o•o•o•

  The next morning at school, it started.

  For example:

  I’m practising my pen twirling while Mr Winter is reading out morning notices and it spins from my fingers and bounces off my desk on to the floor.

  I hear a voice from behind me.

  It’s Martin Fassbender. Typical.

  Then I get one word wrong on our weekly thirty-word spelling test.

  Fassbender again. Meanwhile he’s got sixteen words wrong AND he’s spelt Fassbender with three esses at the top of his page!

  Later on at morning tea I buy a fruit juice popper. I try to stick the plastic straw in the little hole in the top. But I’m squeezing the cardboard container too hard and when the straw goes through, the juice shoots straight up one of my nostrils and dribbles out the other.

  It’s Martin’s best buddy, Tyrone Knowles. Tyrone makes Martin look like a genius. I’m pretty sure that Tyrone could make a bowl of porridge look reasonably bright.

  Back in class Mr Winter calls me out the front to write an answer to a maths problem on the board.

  On the way I almost, but don’t actually, trip over someone’s foot. A voice whispers –

  It’s not Martin or Tyrone this time. It’s Meredith Murdoch. And some kids around her are smiling and giggling.

  I write the answer on the board. I actually get it right. YAY ME! Meredith looks disappointed. I go back to my seat. I feel lots of eyes on me now. They’re all watching me. They’re all waiting. And I know why. They want me to muck something up so they can get a chance to say, ‘Eric Vale – Epic Fail!’ too.

  This was bad. This was really bad. My new stupid nickname was catching on. It was beginning to stick! It was like superglue. I had to get it off me fast, otherwise I was in big trouble.

  For the rest of the morning I turned into a statue. I did nothing and said nothing in case I made a mistake. I didn’t dare work on The Totally Awesome Action Adventures of Secret Agent Derek ‘Danger’ Dale. All my attention was on Mr Winter and on not doing anything dumb. But I was starting to feel the pressure. I could feel my mind getting its hiking gear on. I knew I was about to crack!

  Then the new girl arrived and saved me.

  Or at least that’s what I thought.

  o•o•o•o•o•o•o•o•o•

  The new girl’s name was Aasha Alsuf
i. Mr Winter told us last term she was joining our class, but I’d forgotten all about it until she turned up at the door with Principal Porter.

  The new girl was from somewhere called Somalia. That’s in Africa. Mr Winter wrote the name on the board and we searched it on the internet so we’d know something about it before she arrived. They have wars in Somalia. Heaps of wars. And droughts. And these big camps filled with people. Heaps of them too.

  Mr Winter said the new girl had been through a lot, but he wouldn’t say what exactly. He just told us that when she arrived she would be very nervous about being in a new place and he was really counting on us to be friendly and to make her feel safe and welcome.

  The new girl was wearing a red scarf-type thing that went right over her head like a hoodie and then wrapped around her face. Her skin was dark brown. Her head was bent way down and she stared at the floor the whole time. She had a copy of our school diary in her hands. She looked like she was trying to strangle it to death.

  Mr Winter introduced her to our class and said the usual welcoming-type stuff, but the new girl didn’t look up once. Then Mr Winter took her to a desk right up the front in between Li Wan and Sophie Peters, who are the two nicest girls in our class by about a million light years. Well, probably. I mean I haven’t really thought about it that much.

  For the rest of the morning Aasha Alsufi kept her head down so low you couldn’t even see her face, and she stared at her school diary like she was Gollum and it was the One Ring.

  When lunchtime came, lots of people really did try to make her feel welcome just like Mr Winter asked.

  Li and Sophie smiled and talked to her a lot and asked her if she wanted to come and sit with them out in the playground.

  But the new girl just shook her head and looked worried.

  Then Big Bob came over because he’s the class captain. But the new girl just stared at Big Bob, who was about four times her size and looked even more worried.

  Then Meredith Murdoch and a whole bunch of her friends sort of elbowed their way past Li and Sophie and Big Bob (not easy) and started asking the new girl all about Somalia and who her favourite pop star was and what her favourite movie and TV shows were and did she have a pet lion and what did she do on the weekend and stuff like that.

  And the new girl went from worried to confused.

  Then Micky Micareeno and Chewy fought their way through the crowd, bouncing a soccer ball and waving a bat around and asking her if she wanted to play football or cricket with them.

  And the new girl passed confused and went straight to scared.

  Then Martin Fassbender, Tyrone Knowles, Vinnie Romano and Pete Bunter jumped in and did their best to make her laugh by showing off their favourite tricks – ones like cracking their knuckles really loudly, arm wrestling, throwing lollies in the air and catching them (sometimes) in their mouths, seeing who could touch their nose with their tongue, turning their eyelids inside out and playing tunes using different parts of their bodies.

  And the new girl ran outside.

  After lunch the seat between Li Wan and Sophie Peters was empty. I thought we would get into a heap of trouble for scaring the new girl off. But we didn’t.

  Mr Winter just thanked us all for trying to do the right thing. He said that maybe we tried a bit too hard and that the new girl Aasha Alsufi needed ‘a little more time and space to settle in and find her feet’. The good news was that we hadn’t frightened her off for good and that she was coming back to school the next day.

  I was really glad she was coming back. She seemed nice. The other thing I was pretty pleased about was that in the excitement over Aasha Alsufi’s arrival, no one was interested in me any more. Everyone was just focused on her. It looked like they’d all forgotten about the Eric Vale – Epic Fail thing completely.

  And they probably would have, if it hadn’t been for the school assembly disaster.

  After that, it was like I’d written Eric Vale – Epic Fail in their brains with one of those thick marker pens. A permanent ink one.

  Epic Fail No. 2: The School Assembly

  Aasha Alsufi did come back the next day, and even though everyone gave her space

  like Mr Winter said, there was still this huge contest going on to see who could be the first to get her to talk or smile.

  Epic fails all round.

  Aasha Alsufi just either nodded or shook her head and seemed much happier when she was left alone.

  But for me, things were looking up. I went through most of the week without hearing the words ‘Eric Vale – Epic Fail’ once.

  Then came Friday – school assembly day.

  This assembly was special, because this was the week our class was in charge of running it. That meant Mr Winter had to pick people for different jobs like MC-ing, reading the notices and introducing the speakers. And we had to provide the entertainment. That’s where Chewy and I came in.

  We were given the job of acting out a scene from this story we’d been reading in class. That meant we had to memorise our lines and dress up and everything. Chewy and I were supposed to play identical twins.

  Chewy reckoned it didn’t really make sense because our eyes were totally different colours.

  Probably the only reason we got chosen was because Chewy volunteered us. Chewy volunteers for everything. He doesn’t care what it is. As soon as he heard Mr Winter say, ‘Now I need two boys to volunteer to …’ Chewy stuck up his hand and blurted out, ‘Me and Eric’ll do it!’

  For a minute there Mr Winter went a bit pale. So did I when I heard what we had to do.

  I wanted to quit straightaway but Chewy talked me out of it.

  ‘If you think you can’t, you won’t, Eric,’ he told me. ‘But if you think you can, you will!’ Chewy was positive! that we’d do great. I had my doubts, but I agreed because I knew Chewy would bug me to death if I didn’t.

  So Mr Winter said, ‘Right. Good. Yes, that’s … excellent. Looks like we’ve got the boys’ roles all sorted out. Now we just need someone for the girl’s part. How about you, Li?’

  That’s Li Wan. She’s the smartest person in our class (although I’m pretty sure Chewy thinks he is). Anyway, Li said yes and Mr Winter didn’t look quite so pale after that. The best thing about doing the acting was that we got to dress up in costumes, with swords and everything, on account of the scene was set in the time of knights and castles. Li was like a princess or a lady or something. And we all had to wear these special little microphones on our collars so we could move around the stage and everyone could hear us, which was pretty cool.

  On the day, all the school, including the Year Sixes and Sevens, got together in the assembly hall. I was pretty nervous because this was just the sort of place where a really bad Eric Vale – Epic Fail disaster could take place. But even though Chewy decided to add a few of his own made-up lines during the performance to ‘improve’ it, the whole thing went really well. At the end, the three of us got a big round of applause.

  After our act was finished we had to sit up on stage for the rest of the assembly. As we headed for our seats Li reminded me to turn off my lapel mic. I flicked the switch and watched the little green light disappear.

  Then I made sure I reminded Chewy to turn his off as well.

  All the Year Fives who had done assembly stuff were sitting in a row of chairs on one side of the stage. On the other side were the seats for the Principal, the Deputy Principal, Mr Winter and our special guest speaker.

  Our special guest speaker was Mrs Doreen Dorrington. She was the Deputy Lord Mayor. She was telling us all about herself and how she went to Moreton Hill Primary School about a million years ago when she was a little girl, and she went on … and on … and on … and on … and on.

  And just when you thought she had to be finished … she went on … and on … and on some more!

  I was trying my best to pay attention to the Deputy Mayor’s talk because Mr Winter had given us a huge speech about ‘being on show’ while we were up on stag
e and about ‘setting an example’ and about not ‘fidgeting around and distracting everyone’ in the assembly hall. I promised myself that this was going to be one time I wouldn’t let my mind drift off. No unauthorised hiking trips!

  But it was tough. Really tough. Mrs Dorrington’s talk was like torture. That’s all I could think about while I was sitting up there on stage trying not to fidget. Man, this is torture! This talk is exactly like torture. If you really wanted to torture someone, you know what you could do …

  Torture was no stranger to Secret Agent Derek ‘Danger’ Dale. He sat tied up in a chair. In front of him stood the most evil of all his evil enemies, the incredibly evil Doctor Evil MacEvilness.

  He really wasn’t a nice guy.

  ‘So, Secret Agent Derek “Danger” Dale, we meet at last!’

  ‘No, actually we’ve met lots of times before,’ said Dale with a frown. ‘Remember how you keep trying to kill me and take over the world but I keep stopping you EVERY SINGLE TIME?’

  ‘Of course! That is SO annoying! I thought your face looked familiar. So tell me, Dale, are you going to give me the Secret Code or not?’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because if I tell you then it wouldn’t be a secret any more, would it?’