Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right Read online

  CLOWNS TO THE LEFT OF ME, JOKERS TO THE RIGHT

  ALSO BY MICHAEL A. SMERCONISH

  Flying Blind: How Political Correctness Continues to Compromise Airline Safety Post 9/11 (2004)

  Muzzled: From T-ball to Terrorism—True Stories

  That Should Be Fiction (2007)

  Murdered by Mumia: A Life Sentence of Loss, Pain, and Injustice, co-authored with Maureen Faulkner (2007)

  Instinct: The Man Who Stopped the 20th Hijacker, with Kurt A. Schreyer (2009)

  Morning Drive: Things I Wish I Knew before

  I Started Talking (2009)

  Talk: A Novel (2014)

  CLOWNS

  TO THE LEFT OF ME,

  JOKERS

  TO THE RIGHT

  AMERICAN LIFE IN COLUMNS

  TEMPLE UNIVERSITY PRESS

  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19122

  www.temple.edu/tempress

  Copyright © 2018 by Michael A. Smerconish

  All rights reserved

  Published 2018

  Text design by Kate Nichols

  Jacket front and back-flap/title-page photographs: Philadelphia Daily News, Jessica Griffin, staff photographer

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Smerconish, Michael A., author. | Axelrod, David, 1955– writer of foreword.

  Title: Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right : American life in columns / Michael A. Smerconish ; with a foreword by David Axelrod.

  Description: Philadelphia : Temple University Press, 2018. | Collection of the author’s columns from the Philadelphia Daily News and Sunday Philadelphia Inquirer, 2002–2016.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2017051755 | LCCN 2018013014 (ebook) | ISBN 9781439916377 (E-book) | ISBN 9781439916353

  Classification: LCC PN4874.S54 (ebook) | LCC PN4874.S54 A25 2018 (print) | DDC 070.4/4—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017051755

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  THE CHILDREN’S CRISIS

  TREATMENT CENTER

  ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the author’s proceeds from the sale of this book will benefit the Children’s Crisis Treatment Center (CCTC), a private, nonprofit agency that provides behavioral health services to children and their families. In 1971, CCTC began at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia as a small but pioneering federally funded program focused on addressing the needs of young children who had experienced trauma. Since then, CCTC has increasingly diversified and expanded its programs and services targeting the needs of our most vulnerable youth. For over 40 years, CCTC has developed and implemented innovative ways of helping children as young as 18 months old and their families cope with obstacles that interfere with their emotional, social, and cognitive growth. CCTC offers a wide array of services and programs that are provided at the center as well as in the home, community, and schools. Most recently, CCTC expanded its services into Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. CCTC’s approach is based on the belief that despite tremendous challenges, children heal from psychological injuries. Through partnerships with families, schools, and communities, CCTC creates the contexts in which this healing may occur.

  CCTC serves more than 3,000 children and their families annually. CCTC’s success and reputation for excellence have gained the center recognition for expertise in the areas of trauma, school-based services, and early childhood treatment and reflect CCTC’s leadership role in the children’s mental health services community. Consider “James,” a 6-year-old boy from North Philadelphia who came to CCTC when he was 3½ years old after being expelled from preschool. James, who was witnessing domestic violence at home, was admitted into CCTC’s Therapeutic Nursery and Trauma Services programs, where staff worked with him and his parents, who are now separated. Today James is attending second grade at his local elementary school, where his teachers report that he is thriving both academically and socially. James’s mother is also actively engaged in CCTC’s parenting programs.

  The author’s wife, Lavinia, serves on CCTC’s Board of Trustees.

  You can learn more at www.cctckids.org.

  CONTENTS

  Foreword, by David Axelrod

  Introduction

  GUEST OPINION

  America Offers Opportunity to Those Who Work

  2002–2007

  High Fidel-ity: Daily News Columnist Gets Up Close and Personal with Castro

  A Politically Incorrect Extravaganza

  Kobe? He’s Not One of Us

  Gay Numbers and 9/11

  The Sins of the Father . . . and Mother

  That Apology?—It’s Bunk

  Rebuild ’Em!

  Want Ratings? Bring Back the Beauty

  Conspiracy: The Oklahoma City–September 11 Connection

  Suspensions: A Wake-up Call for Parents

  C’mon, Mr. President, Show Us the Evidence

  Two Good Reasons to Oppose Tort Reform

  I’ll Miss the Merry Prankster

  Summer and Smoke: My Gay Epiphany

  Robbing Dr. Barnes’s Grave

  Maureen Faulkner, Still on the Job

  One Voice for Katz

  Dreaming of a Non-white Christmas

  Tough Questions from Tough Guy on 9/11 Commission

  How to Get Quasimodo a Date

  A Brush with Greatness, Thanks to a Little Truancy and Some Connections

  Jim Beasley, the People’s Lawyer

  Dreaming of a White (House) Christmas

  Cos Case: It’s Kobe All over Again

  Air-Travel Screening Stupidity—Times 4

  Postcard from Gladwyne

  Good with a Pen, as well as a Football

  Small Gesture for a Real American Hero

  Duke Case: Revenge of the Nerds

  Setting the Record Straight

  A Dog Named Winston

  Roger Waters: The Pinko in Floyd

  The Garden of Eternal Vigilance

  Manhunt for Osama Dropping on U.S. Agenda?

  Should Free Speech Allow Holocaust Denial

  2007–2011

  Guilty as Charged: I Don’t Support Imus’s Firing

  The War Comes Home

  Unexpected Memorial Day Lesson from Decorated Marine

  The World according to Bruno

  An Immigrant’s Dream Still Means Something

  Proof a Son’s Head Is Far from Dismal Adult Events

  A Navy SEAL’s Gut-Wrenching Tale of Survival

  “Anti-Semitic” Label Curbs Talk about Israel

  The Face of September 11, 2001

  How Rush Became the King of Talk

  Why Rudy Wasn’t in Iowa on Tuesday

  Specter Practices—and Endorses—Civility

  Mr. Chrome Dome Gets Fuzzy

  Obama Sees Route to Righteousness

  How I Got the Bird

  Russert-Brand Discourse vs. Cable Carnival Shoutfest

  Requiem for an Era

  McCain Fails the Big Five Tests

  Their Stanley Cup Runneth Over

  My Dinner with Pervez

  Jack Kemp’s Winning Game Plan

  Checking in with Smokin’ Joe to Thank Him for His Dignity

  1-800-Political-Venom

  Sorry, but for Me, the Party Is Over

  Yard Sale 101

  The Power of Pin Money

  Farewell, My DN Friends

  2011–2016

  Investment Giant on Living Well—and Madoff

  A Lesson in Gumption, and Its Rewards

  Can You Imagine How Christie’s Son Feels?

  “Mormon Issue” Still Handicaps Romney

  9/11 Generation Is Highlight of Speeches


  It’s Time to Break the Mold on Talk Radio

  Lessons from the Cheap Seats

  Bursting a Class Bubble

  A Shattered Spirit

  Warren’s Shaky History

  Zeppelin Communication Breakdown

  The Teacher Who Opened a Mind

  Unpaid but Richly Rewarding

  Pennsbury Grad Makes a Splash in D.C.

  Nightmare on Health Site

  Secret Facet of Westboro Case

  SATs Don’t Always Mark a Successful Path

  Worthy Subject of Protest May Target Workers

  Mystery Tip that Broke Sandusky Case

  Recalling Gary Hart, Debating News Policy

  Overreaction in C.B. West Hazing Case

  Cat Stevens’s Politics

  Go Old School on Drinking?

  My Dinner with Roger Stone

  Family Farmer Whose Labors Never End

  A Subject’s Portrait of the Artist

  Take Note, Candidates, of Reagan’s Words

  In Philly, Sinatra and Sid Mark Play On

  Trump’s Candidacy Is Right out of Seinfeld

  A Must in Life: Try, Try Again

  My Heimlich Maneuvering

  The Right Spot for the Rizzo Statue? Right Where It Is

  Civility Wins if “Comments” Unplugged

  Yeah, Yeah, Yeah: Larry Kane, Fab Historian

  Births to Illnesses, Our Life with Grace

  Trump Not My Fan, but Quite a Loyal Follower

  A Changing of the Guard in Gladwyne

  2017

  In 2017, Getting to Know the Other Half

  Acknowledgments

  FOREWORD

  IN AN ERA OF GRINDING DISCORD and withering partisanship, Michael Smerconish offers blessed relief. As the varied works in this collection reveal, Michael can be counted on for consistently informed, insightful commentary and compelling storytelling, whether the topic is politics, personalities, or the ups and downs of sports teams in his beloved Philadelphia.

  He plays no favorites and spares little in his contempt for hypocrisy or flouting of facts, for the trampling of people or the fundamental tenets that underpin our democracy. His is the voice of the grizzled idealist, knowledgeable of the real world but unwilling to relinquish the essential belief that we can do better.

  For much of 2016, I sat beside Michael on a CNN panel of analysts as we chewed over what was perhaps the most extraordinary—and disturbing—campaign of our times. What I learned is that Michael always resists the knee-jerk reactions so common to instant analysis. Instead, he reaches for the deeper meaning of events, offering observations that defy partisanship and the vapid “who’s up and who’s down” obsession that too often has gripped the coverage of our elections and government. As a panelist, rather than purveying conventional wisdom, Michael often invoked the experiences of his neighbors in Pennsylvania to help illuminate the tectonic shifts in our politics. When he spoke, I sat up in my chair and listened.

  Like Teddy Roosevelt, I admire those men (and women) who have actually been “in the arena.” Michael came to journalism from politics, his passion having been fired by Ronald Reagan in the early 1980s. He has run for office and run campaigns, including mayors’ races in the City of Brotherly Love (an ironic phrase to anyone who has experienced the brawling politics of Philadelphia). Michael also has served in government, an appointee of the first President Bush. He understands how it works for the people it is meant to serve—and when and why it doesn’t. So while he writes in these pages about the journeys of others, Michael’s rich and thoughtful insights derive from his own. Whether chatting with Fidel Castro, a family farmer in rural Pennsylvania, or a Philadelphia ward leader, he tells their stories with an equal measure of wit and wisdom. He is a champion to those unsung heroes who deserve one, and he hesitates not one whit to take the haughty down a peg.

  This collection of columns from the Philadelphia Daily News and Sunday Philadelphia Inquirer—with the new Afterwords he has penned—reflects all of that. Here you will find a rich sampling of more than a decade and a half of pieces in which he tackled big stories in a refreshing way and brought obscure but important stories to light.

  As millions who have read his work and listened to his daily commentary on radio and TV know, Michael Smerconish always has something worthwhile to say.

  Knowing Michael and his investment in his community, I was not surprised to learn that any and all of his proceeds from this book will go to the Children’s Crisis Treatment Center in Philadelphia, which passionately serves the emotional needs of children and families at risk beginning in early childhood and where his wife, Lavinia, is a board member. Congratulations to them both for their important work.

  — DAVID AXELROD

  Director, Institute of Politics at the University of Chicago and former senior adviser to President Barack Obama

  INTRODUCTION

  FIFTEEN YEARS.

  That’s how long I have been writing weekly columns for the Philadelphia Daily News and the Philadelphia Inquirer. By my count, between 2001 and 2016, I authored 1,047 columns ranging in subject matter from the hunt for Osama bin Laden to exploring what the color of your Christmas lights (white versus colored) says about you.

  I joined the Daily News two months after 9/11, at the invitation of then-editor Zack Stalberg. I was practicing law full time while also hosting a daily radio program in what was the early part of my broadcast career. While there was already a lot on my plate—two careers, four kids, and an equal number of dogs—I viewed the invitation as an additional opportunity to weigh in weekly, with 600–800 words, from a great platform and to do something enjoyable. That Zack is a terrific guy was also part of the draw—he’s smart, funny, and centered. I remember my excitement when the Daily News announced my association with a series of display ads, which I clipped and still have: “Would You Like That Smerconishized?”; “Gaze on in Utter Smerconishment”; “We’re Starting to Look a Little Smerconish”; and “Smerconish . . . The Sound of Opinions Hitting Paper.”

  I hope that readers of this compilation will find it interesting to note the changes evident in my thinking over fifteen years of American history. There’s no doubt that my worldview has shifted in the time period that I’ve been chronicling local, state, and national events. And while many people’s opinions change over time, in my case, these columns provide a weekly timeline capable of being charted. Readers can (and I am sure will) decide whether those changes in my thinking have been for better or worse.

  I’ve enjoyed looking back. In my first piece as a columnist for the Daily News, published on November 13, 2001, I made the case for Rudy Giuliani heading the Department of Homeland Security. And for the next decade, I published a column every Thursday. Then, in 2007, I also began writing for the Sunday edition of the Philadelphia Inquirer. For the next few years, I was in the unique position of writing for both newspapers. When that workload finally proved too much, in 2011, I became exclusive to the Sunday Inquirer. All told, I wrote a total of 449 columns for the Daily News and, through the end of 2016, wrote 598 columns for the Inquirer. Some stand the test of time and I am eager to republish them here. A few I wish I’d never written.

  A couple of notes on how the book was put together: As I read through the archives, I divided the columns into the four broad subject categories of politics, profiles, life, and miscellaneous, in order to ensure that the 100 or so columns selected would equitably cover a variety of topics. The next question was how to organize the columns, and the way that made the most sense was to run them chronologically with a couple of key markers of change. So, sandwiched between the introductory and concluding sections, the main body of the text consists of 2002–2007, which covers my time with just the Daily News; 2007–2011, which covers my time writing for the Daily News and Inquirer simultaneously; and 2011–2016, which covers my time writing for just the Sunday Inquirer.

  Interestingly, the periods that mark my evolution as a Philadelphia colum
nist reflect periods of change in American culture, with 2002–2007 comprising the post-9/11 George W. Bush years, 2007–2011 covering Barack Obama’s ascension, and 2011–2016 spanning the latter half of the Obama era and the rise of Donald Trump.

  For the most part, every column appears here exactly as it appeared in the newspaper, including the original headlines (which, by the way, were all written by editors, not by me). The handful of minor changes made throughout in spelling and punctuation were done to promote clarity and consistency but never to change meaning (though I was tempted!).

  I’ve written an Afterword for each column to provide updates on facts and feelings. Although I am happy to report that I stand by most columns I wrote, there are a few mea culpas sprinkled throughout.

  I took the title of this collection from a line in the classic rock song “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel, which is, fittingly, the theme song to my SiriusXM radio program. A surprise hit upon its release in 1972, the song enjoyed renewed interest after providing the soundtrack for a particularly grisly scene in Quentin Tarantino’s 1992 debut film, Reservoir Dogs. Should you make it through all these columns, I think you will find a catalogue of views that, on balance, defies labeling toward the left or the right. Words like “liberal” and “conservative” lack the nuance necessary to sum up an outlook like mine that includes approving of airline passenger profiling and legalizing prostitution and mistakenly supporting the Iraq invasion (after appropriately questioning it initially). And while my thought process continues to evolve, the last column included in this collection, actually written in 2017, acknowledges the bubble in which I found myself at the outset of the Trump presidency, and, as I note in that column, it’s a bubble I’ve been seeking to burst.

  There is, of course, plenty of politics discussed in these pages, but there are also many columns that serve up slices of life outside that arena. I’ve enjoyed writing about such disparate subjects as our family dogs, my favorite lunch counter, our kids’ yard sales, the tortuous SAT exams, and a special college professor who became a good friend. My favorite columns are those that capture unique scenes from the interesting life I am fortunate to be leading. I met Ronald Reagan as an 18-year-old newly registered voter; worked in the G.H.W. Bush administration when I was 29; had dinner with Fidel Castro; took a foreign leader (Pervez Musharraf) to my local American polling place to watch me vote; hosted the members of YES, the (now) Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees, at a backyard barbeque; conducted Barack Obama’s first radio interview live from the White House; confronted the living members of Led Zeppelin with a demand that they reunite; heckled Roger Waters from the front row of Madison Square Garden; worked for Pennsylvania’s longest-serving U.S. senator, Arlen Specter; brought the “living legend” Bruno Sammartino to my law office; spent the same night with Pete Rose and Ted Nugent; had my portrait painted in front of a live audience, by Nelson Shanks (the portrait artist of choice of Princess Diana and Baroness Margaret Thatcher); shared an uncomfortable train ride with David Duke; drank champagne from the Stanley Cup; and conducted Bill Cosby’s only pretrial interview.