The Blunders of a Bashful Man Read online

  CHAPTER V.

  HE COMMITS SUICIDE.

  Two days after the fair (one day after the bonfire), some time duringthe afternoon, I found myself alone in the store. Business was so dullthat father, with a yawn, said he guessed he'd go to the post-officeand have a chat with the men.

  "Be sure you don't leave the store a moment alone, John," was hisparting admonition.

  Of course I wouldn't think of such a thing--he need not have mentionedit. I was a good business fellow for my age; the only blunders I evermade were those caused by my failing--the unhappy failing to which Ihave hitherto alluded.

  I sat mournfully on the counter after father left me, my headreclining pensively against a pile of ten-cent calicoes; I wasthinking of my grandmother's legacy gone up in smoke--of how Bellelooked when she found I had conducted her into the coal-cellar--ofthose tidies, cradle-quilts, bib-aprons, dolls' and ladies' fixings,which had been nefariously foisted upon me, a base advantage taken ofmy diffidence!--and I felt sad. I felt more than melancholy--I feltmad. I resented the tricks of the fair ones. And I made a mightyresolution! "Never--never--never," said I, between my clenched teeth,"will I again be guilty of the crime of bashfulness--_never_!"

  I felt that I could face a female regiment--all Babbletown! I wasindignant; and there's nothing like honest, genuine indignation togive courage. Oh, I'd show 'em. I wouldn't give a cent when the deaconpassed the plate on Sundays; I wouldn't subscribe to the char----

  In the midst of my dark and vengeful resolutions I heard merry voiceson the pavement outside.

  Hastily raising my head from the pile of calicoes, I saw at least fivegirls making for the store door--a whole bevy of them coming in uponme at once. They were the same rosy-cheeked, bright-eyed, deceitful,shameless creatures who had persuaded me into such folly at the fair.There was Hetty Slocum, the girl who coaxed me into buying the doll;and Maggie Markham, who sold me the quilt; and Belle, and two others,and they were chatting and giggling over some joke, and had to stop onthe steps until they could straighten their faces. I grewfire-red--with indignation.

  "Oh, father, why are you not here?" I cried inwardly. "Oh, father,what a shame to go off to the post-office and leave your son to facethese tried to feel as I felt five minutes before, like facing afemale regiment. _Now_ was the time to prove my courage--to turn overa new leaf, take a new departure, begin life over again, show to thesegiggling girls that I had some pride--some self-independence--someself-resp----"

  The door creaked on its hinges, and at the sound a blind confusionseized me. In vain I attempted, like a brave but despairing general,to rally my forces; but they all deserted me at once; I was hiddenbehind the calicoes, and with no time to arrange for a nobler plan ofescaping a meeting with the enemy--no auger-hole though which tocrawl. I followed the first impulse, stooped, and _hid under thecounter_.

  In a minute I wished myself out of that; but the minute had been toomuch--the bevy had entered and approached the counter, at the veryplace behind which I lay concealed. I was so afraid to breathe; thecold sweat started on my forehead.

  "Why! there's no one in the store!" exclaimed Belle's voice.

  "Oh, yes; there must be. Let us look around and see," respondedMaggie, and they went tiptoeing around the room, peeping here andthere, while I silently tore my hair. I was so afraid they would comebehind the counter and discover me.

  In three minutes, which seemed as many hours, they came to thestarting-point again.

  "There isn't a soul here."

  "La, how funny! We might take something."

  "Yes, if we were thieves, what a fine opportunity we would have."

  "I'll bet three cents it's John's fault; his father would never leavethe store in this careless way."

  "What a queer fellow he is, anyway!"

  "Ha, ha, ha! so perfectly absurd! _Isn't_ it fun when he's about?"

  "I never was so tickled in my life as when he bought that quilt."

  "I thought I would die laughing when he took me into the coal-cellar,but I kept a straight face."

  "Do _you_ think he's good-looking, Hetty?"

  "Who? John Flutter! _good-looking_? He's a perfect fright."

  "That's just what I think. Oh, isn't it too good to see the way henurses that little mustache of his? I'm going to send him amagnifying-glass, so that he can count the hairs with less trouble."

  "If you will, I'll send a box of cold cream; we can send them throughthe post-office, and he'll never find out who they came from."

  "Jolly! we'll do it! Belle won't send anything, for he's dead in lovewith _her_."

  "Much good it'll do him, girls! Do you suppose I wouldn't marry thatsimpleton if he was made of gold."

  "Did you ever see such a red face as he has? I would be afraid to comenear it with a light dress on."

  "And his ears!"

  "Monstrous! and always burning."

  "And the awkwardest fellow that ever blundered into a parlor. You knowthe night he waited on me to Hetty's party? he stepped on my toes sothat I had to poultice them before I went to bed; he tore the trainall off my pink tarlatan; he spilled a cup of hot coffee down old Mrs.Ballister's back, and upset his saucer of ice-cream over Ada's sweetnew book-muslin. Why, girls, just as sure as I am standing here, I sawhim cram the saucer into his pocket when Belle came up to speak withhim! I tell you, I was glad to get home that night without any moreaccidents."

  "They say he always puts the tea-napkins into his pocket when he takestea away from home. But it's not kleptomania, it's only bashfulness. Inever heard before of his pocketing the saucers."

  "Well, he really did. It's awful funny. I don't know how we'd getalong without John this winter--he makes all the fun we have. What'sthat?"

  "I don't know, it sounded like rats gnawing the floor."

  (It was only the amusing John gritting his teeth, I am able toexplain).

  "Did you ever notice his mouth?--how large it is."

  "Yes, it's frightful. I don't wonder he's ashamed of himself with thatmouth."

  "I don't mind his mouth so much--but his _nose_! I never did like aturn-up nose in a man. But his father's pretty well off. It would benice to marry a whole store full of dry-goods and have a new dressevery time you wanted one. I wonder where they have gone to! I believeI'll rap."

  The last speaker seized the yard-stick and thumped on the counterdirectly over my head.

  "Oh, girls! let's go behind, and see how they keep things. I wonderhow many pieces of dress-silk there are left!"

  "I guess I'll go behind the counter, and play clerk. If any one comesin, I'll go, as sure as the world! and wait on 'em. Won't it be fun?There comes old Aunty Harkness now. I dare say she is after a spool ofthread or a paper of needles. I'm going to wait on her. Mr. Flutterwon't care--I'll explain when he comes in. What do you want, auntie?"in a very loud voice.

  My head buzzed like a saw--my heart made such a loud thud against myside I thought stars! she wanted "an ounce o' snuff," and thatarticle was kept in a glass jar in plain sight on the other side ofthe store. There was a movement in that direction, and I recoveredpartially, I half resolved to rise up suddenly--pretend I'd beenhiding for fun--and laugh the whole thing off as a joke. But theinsulting, the ridiculous comments I had overheard, had made me tooindignant. Pretty joke, indeed! But I wished I had obeyed the dictatesof prudence and affected to consider it so. Father came bustling inwhile the girls were trying to tie up the snuff, and sneezingbeautifully.

  "What! what! young ladies! Where's John?"

  "That's more than we know--tschi-he! We've been waiting at least tenminutes. Auntie Harkness wanted some stch-uff, and we thought we'd doit for her. I s'pose you've no objections, Mr. Flutter?"

  "Not the least in the world, girls. Go ahead. I wonder where John is!There! you'll sneeze your pretty noses off--let me finish it. John hasno business to leave the store. I don't like it--five cents, auntie,to _you_--and I told him particularly not to leave it a minute. Idon't understand it; very sorry you've been kept waiting.
What shall Ishow you, young lady?" and father passed behind the counter and stoodwith his toes touching my legs, notwithstanding I had shrunk into assmall space as was convenient, considering my size and weight. It wasgetting toward dusk of the short winter afternoon, and I hoped andprayed he wouldn't notice me.

  "What shall I show you, young ladies?"

  "Some light kid gloves, No. 6, please."

  "Yes, certainly--here they are. I do believe there's a strange dogunder the counter! Get out--get out, sir, I say!" and my cruel parentgave me a vicious kick.

  I pinched his leg impressively. I meant it as a warning, to betray tohim that it was I, and to implore him, figuratively, to keep silence.

  But he refused to comprehend that agonized pinch; he resented it. Hegave another vicious kick. Then he stooped and looked under--it was alittle dark--too dark, alas! under there. He saw a man--but not torecognize him.

  "Ho!" he yelled; "robber! thief! burglar! I've got you, fellow! Comeout o' that!"

  I never before realized father's strength. He got his hand in mycollar, and he jerked me out from under that counter, and shook me,and held me off at arm's length.

  "There, Mr. Burglar," said he, triumphantly, "sneak in here againwill--JOHN!"

  The girls had been screaming and running, but they stood still now.

  "Yes, _John_!" said I, in desperation. "The drawer came loose underthe counter, and I was nailing on a strip of board when those _youngladies_ came in. I kept quiet, just for fun. They began to talk in aninteresting manner, curiosity got the better of politeness, and I'mafraid I've played eavesdropper," and I made a killing bow, meantespecially for Belle.

  "Well, you're a pretty one!" exclaimed father.

  "_So they say_," said I. "Don't leave, young ladies. I'd like to sellyou a magnifying-glass, and some cold cream." But they all left in ahurry. They didn't even buy a pair of gloves.

  The girls must have told of it, for the story got out, and Fredadvised me to try counter-irritation for my bashfulness.

  "You're not a burglar," said he, "but you're guilty ofcounter-fitting."

  "Nothing would suit me better," I retorted, "than to be tried for it,and punished by solitary confinement."

  And there was nothing I should have liked so much. The iron hadentered my soul. I was worse than ever. I purchased a four-ounce vialof laudanum, went to my room, and wrote a letter to my mother:

  "Mother, I am tired of life. My nose is turn-up, my mouth is large; Ipocket other people's saucers and napkins; I am always makingblunders. This is my last blunder. I shall never blush again.Farewell. Let the inscription on my tombstone be--'Died ofBashfulness.' JOHN."

  And I swallowed the contents of the vial, and threw myself on mylittle bed.