Get Out of My Head Read online

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2020 by Meredith Arthur

  Interior and cover illustrations copyright © 2019 by Leah Rosenberg

  Cover copyright © 2020 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

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  First Edition: May 2020

  Published by Running Press, an imprint of Perseus Books, LLC, a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Running Press name and logo is a trademark of the Hachette Book Group.

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  Library of Congress Control Number: 2019953018

  ISBNs: 978-0-7624-9769-0 (hardcover), 978-0-7624-9767-6 (ebook)

  E3-20200303-JV-NF-ORI

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Foreword by Gabi Moskowitz

  Introduction

  Chapter 1: Start Here

  Chapter 2: Next, Start to Play

  Chapter 3: Now Make a Map

  Chapter 4: Time to Build Balance

  Chapter 5: Nearly There, Dig Deeper

  Chapter 6: Put It All Together

  Read in December: End-of-Year Catastrophizing

  One Final Thought: It’s Never Too Late. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  Discover More

  Colophon

  About the Author and Artist

  For overthinkers everywhere, with love and gratitude

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  WHEN I was seven years old, my mother gave me a box of beautiful Guatemalan worry dolls. She set me on her lap and explained that these tiny, handmade figurines were special dolls I could hold in my hands before going to bed and confide in everything that was stressing me out. Afterward, I was to put them under my pillow. In the morning, she promised, all my fears and anxiety would be gone.

  I had just begun to have suspicions about the tooth fairy, so I was skeptical of yet another under-the-pillow magic trick. I knew I spent a lot of time feeling anxious about everything in my little world, but I figured that was just the challenge of a second grader. It never occurred to me that other kids might not worry as much as I did.

  Was tucking dolls the size of a pinkie under my pillow going to make me less nervous when my teacher asked me to solve a math problem on the chalkboard in front of the class? Would it get me back the sleep I’d lost lying awake at night, replaying every social and academic mistake I’d made that week? Would it stop me from wondering if/when my grandparents, parents, and—oof—I would eventually die?

  I kept the worry dolls in their little box on the bookshelf in my room. I didn’t tell them about my fears and sorrows, and I didn’t put them under my pillow. But now that I’ve learned what I have from Meredith and this incredible book about overthinking, I’m guessing I should have.

  So much of thriving as an overthinker is exploring the tricks and tools that work for you—that allow you to ride the wave, as Meredith says. Maybe off-loading the tight, growing knot of concerns in my belly to the worry dolls might have helped after all. Or maybe it wouldn’t have, but if I had had Get Out of My Head back then, I would have known that the key was not to continue to spiral, but rather to try something and keep trying until I found the mantra or hobby or walking habit or whatever that helped, because something that works is always out there.

  Get Out of My Head is not designed to sit untouched on your bookshelf or as decoration for your coffee table—though I understand that impulse, since it’s a completely gorgeous piece of art in its own right. Rather, it should live close to you, wherever you spend your time: next to your computer, on your bedside table, in your backpack. You should open it up whenever you feel that twinge of “oh no!” or that bubbling “what if?” rising in your throat. (For me, this is anywhere from a couple of times a day to every twenty minutes for stretches at a time—there is no “normal.”)

  The techniques laid out here aren’t about making your thoughts and feelings disappear; instead, they are designed to help you get to know yourself and your thought patterns better. When you deepen your knowledge of any subject, you increase your ability to navigate it successfully, and that remains the case even when the subject is you. Funny though it may sound, you have to get out of your head to get to really know your head. Let this book be your guide.

  —Gabi Moskowitz

  San Francisco

  March 24, 2019

  IF you walked past this book, saw the title, and felt a little twinge of recognition, you are not alone.

  If you get regular migraines or feel carsick when no one else does…

  If your face goes pale—or red and flushed!—when you meet with your boss or you get randomly shaky after a party…

  If you frantically check your phone but can’t figure out what you’re looking for or wake up in the morning more stressed than when you went to bed…

  If you’ve felt for some time that your head was revving way past the point of reason or necessity…

  … then you’re onto something. Keep reading.

  It’s possible, maybe even likely, that you’ve felt separated from the people around you for a while now. You’ve known something was different about you but couldn’t say exactly what. I’ve spent much of my life in that murky confusion too, and I am here to say:

  Welcome. Let’s get out of our heads, together.

  The good news is, if you managed to find this book, you probably already have a hunch that you’re an overthinker. Like me, you might believe that your active mind helps you stay on top of things and motivates you to achieve more. But, also like me, you might be starting to discover a connection between overthinking and physical manifestations of anxiety like back pain and headaches. Maybe you just wonder if there’s more going on in your head than is altogether productive, and you wish it were a bit quieter in there. That’s how I felt in 2015 when I first started experimenting with describing myself as an overthinker on social media with both pride and a little confusion. Was overthinking a good thing? A bad thing? Could it be both? In October of that year, I created an online community called Beautiful Voyager to try to figure it out.

  Five years later, I’ve learned a lot from that community of overthinkers, people pleasers, and perfectionists. I know that many of us feel alone or different from others without knowing exactly why. I’ve learned that connecting with other people who are always looking for answers can be cathartic. Grappling with the confusion together makes it feel less… confusing. This book is a continuation of my efforts, a plumb line to that community and the wisdom there. I hope it will help you get better at understanding yourself and analyzing your choices.

  You’ll notice a few things about this book just while holding it in your hands: It’s short; it’s browsable
; and it’s designed and illustrated to foster calmness. All of this is intentional—you don’t need any more reasons to be overwhelmed. My hope is that if you identify as an overthinker, perfectionist, or people pleaser, you’ll keep this book in your backpack or tote bag—close enough to receive the tactile “ping!” it’s been built to provide, the one that turns off the fight-or-flight response anxiety and overthinking like to activate and soothes the mind.

  You may also notice that the advice in this book is pared down to its barest essentials—this too is intentional, so that it can operate like a portable weighted blanket. These are the flashes of wisdom that have resonated within the Beautiful Voyager community. These tenets, tricks, and ideas have worked for others to cut off hectic thoughts and reclaim sanity. Find the ideas that intrigue you and experiment with them. Disregard the rest.

  There’s no “right” way to read this book. Its organization follows the simple logic of problem-solving, but you don’t need to stick to that order. Some days you may read it word for word, and some days you may just find yourself floating through, moving from color spot to color spot. We have artist Leah Rosenberg to thank for those serene visuals. I think of them like buoys on the waves.

  Toward the end of the book, you’ll notice a special chapter called “Read in December” that specifically addresses a time of year I’ve learned can be particularly fraught, especially for overthinkers. And at the very back of the book, you’ll find a special surprise tucked into a pocket. When you need to change your state of mind, slide the surprise into your hand, open it, and move into a new environment.

  Okay, let’s begin. Here you are. Grab hold…

  CHAPTER 1

  Start Here

  SO what is overthinking, anyway? And how can you know when it’s too much? The simple answer is: when it starts to hurt. Unlike the thinking itself, the pain you might be experiencing—your physical symptoms—is objective and observable. You can’t tune it out.

  The point of Get Out of My Head is to catch yourself overthinking before the pain caused by your thoughts kicks in. And for that, you have to tune in to the wave.

  This wave is the physical side of overthinking. Have you ever heard that hormones flood your system when you’re confronted with real-life challenges? It’s true. During a big fight with your boss/spouse/parent/friend hormones like adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine hit your body in a surge and then roll back—just like a wave hitting the beach. These hormones can arrive in one big crest or as many wavelets, bringing with them physical symptoms like sweating, a racing pulse, or nausea. One of the first steps toward a healthy relationship with your overthinking and stress is simply identifying when and how it happens for you.

  Get to know the wave.

  If you’re experiencing intense stress or even anxiety, it’s easy to see all evidence of its presence as a negative. You might think, “Ugh, here I am again: frazzled, sweating, and dizzy with nervousness. This is proof I’m a system out of control.” But if you can learn to break down the experience into its constituent parts, the wave can work for you instead of against you.

  Remember, your body creates a surge of hormones—particularly epinephrine, aka adrenaline—that hits your system in response to stressful situations or thoughts, and those hormones bring with them a flood of physical symptoms like chest constriction, tingling arms, heart palpitations, nausea, or dizziness. Since these symptoms are undeniable, concrete proof that we’re responding to the hormone wave, we can use that knowledge to work to accept the wave and its inevitable passage.

  By getting to know the wave, you have begun to change your relationship with stress and overthinking. It is the very best place to start on this journey.

  TRY: Allowing that physical sensations like dizziness, nausea, neck pain, headaches, and heart palpitations could mean hormone surges are hitting your system.

  If you’re shaking, it’s time to celebrate.

  Now that you can spot the hormone wave hitting your system, you’re ready to learn to celebrate its passing. Have you ever felt a shaky feeling, a weakness in your knees or chest, after stress or panic is over? That shakiness signals the hormone wave is receding. Despite what you may have thought in the past, that shakiness is actually a good thing.

  Reframing, or telling yourself a new story about an old thought, is a very powerful technique all overthinkers need in their tool kit. You’ll hear more about reframing over the course of this book, but let’s start now, with the retreat of the hormone wave. Instead of thinking of shaky knees or a weak stomach as a sign that something is wrong, reframe those feelings into something positive: relief from stress. It means you’re going to be okay.

  By welcoming the knowledge that the wave is passing, you are celebrating that you’ve been able to coexist with the surge and land safely on shore.

  As you celebrate your resilience again and again, you’ll be building your strength into a virtuous cycle that will help you face the next wave.

  TRY: Celebrating, rather than avoiding, the shaky feeling of the wave receding. It’s a positive sign that you’re getting stronger every time.

  You can’t always please the people you want to.

  By embracing the wave, you’re building self-awareness around the physical experiences of overthinking. This is a great time to start working on the other side of the equation: self-acceptance.

  This work is especially important for people pleasers. I’ve heard overthinkers in the Beautiful Voyager community describe themselves as “running on a daily people-pleasing hamster wheel,” only to find themselves suddenly “waking up” to what’s really happening in their lives, as if from a crazy dream.

  Wanting the approval of people around you—especially romantic partners, best friends, parents, and bosses—is pretty common. Maintaining those relationships is, of course, part of being human. But ruminating on microscopic relationship ruptures, filling journals with what-ifs and regret, and fixating on the possible meanings of small social interactions are strong signs of overthinking, and they can be a big distraction, keeping us from tuning in to what’s really at stake: the opportunity to be in sync with what we think and feel. Put another way: If we’re ruminating on moments from the past that we can’t change, we risk not being able to act on what’s important now.

  Fellow Beautiful Voyager member and marketing manager Sarah eloquently describes the feeling:

  I used to spend my commute home worrying about conversations I had during the day, feeling sure I had said the wrong thing and my coworkers were annoyed with me. But the next day everything would be totally fine. I eventually realized that people were more tuned in to the overall tone of our interactions and less about whether I had worded things exactly right.

  To move away from fixating on insignificant details, Sarah tuned in to what did matter: the feeling of the interactions she was having with others. If you’re having trouble making a similar leap, remember this immutable fact: You can’t always please the people you want to. It’s easier to write that than it is to internalize, but it’s always true.

  The people you love and respect the most are going to be upset with you at times, but they’re also usually going to be the quickest to forgive. Allow the bumps in your interactions and see where they lead without trying to smooth them over immediately. Resist the urge to fixate on and fix every disruption. Just wait: there’s information lurking in the lag time, and you will learn from it.

  TRY: Accepting the fact that you can’t please everyone. Ruminating on perceived discord can distort your perspective, making small conflicts for others big to you.

  Protect the head.

  Here’s something else I’ve heard frequently on Beautiful Voyager: “I just feel like everything affects me more than it affects others.” The reason these community members feel that way is… it’s true! We overthinkers get stuck in our heads more frequently, triggering hormone waves in our bodies that lead to self-criticism and confusion.

  This is particularly
true during stressful situations when we most need to disengage our busy minds. Over time, I’ve discovered new ways to do this. Here’s one for you to try.

  First, identify your everyday stresses that could benefit from a defensive boundary. Maybe it’s toxic news downloading into your brain from the Internet or the rush to get to work before the boss each morning. One fellow Beautiful Voyager says, “I sometimes find myself sucked into the problems of others in unhealthy ways. I want to be able to help, but often just end up feeling saddened on their behalf.”

  If you can relate, it might be time to create a protective catchphrase for yourself. My catchphrase is “protect the head.” It’s a boxer’s axiom. If a professional boxer gets hit in the head, she’s likely down for the count. We overthinkers are not so different. I say “protect the head” to activate the part of my brain that will get me out of harm’s way. Sometimes I say it preemptively, stopping the spiral before it starts—for instance, by not clicking on headlines—or maybe even not looking at the news at all. Sometimes I say it as I’m entering a spiral, to help myself find a door—literal or figurative—out.

  The right catchphrase gives you permission to change course immediately, which will, in turn, interrupt the hormone hit before the wave starts to build. Is social media making you feel like you need to solve all of the world’s problems? Protect the head and close the app. Is getting to work before your boss causing massive trouble with your family’s routines? Protect the head and set up a meeting to talk about schedules with your boss.

  Remember, mental health is a “get the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help others” situation. By recognizing moments when a boundary could help you breathe easy and then using your catchphrase for support, you’ll begin to be able to assist others when the air gets thin.