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  “Kenneth, is it that you want to teach me about the evils of bondage? I already know slavery is evil, but you should know that I invested in my brother-in-law’s plantation because he is a kind master. Yes, he is strict when he needs to be, but have you given any thought to what would happen to slaves if they were all freed at once? Who would feed, clothe, and give them shelter?”

  “Theodora, I will not preach to you, but I do want you to judge one aspect of keeping people in bondage for yourself. My motive for asking you to do this is partly selfish, to persuade you to return to the North with me. You could take your grandson with you, you know.”

  “I truthfully do not see a tremendous difference in how the North and South profit from slavery, Kenneth. It is simply that the South is willing to admit that we could not prosper without free labor. After all, it’s our cotton that supplies the great Northern and European businesses that manufacture fabrics. You and I and everyone we know use cotton bed sheets and wear cotton clothing.”

  I agreed to go with him to the auction, but I asked him not to speak about the subject any more after his lesson. He agreed.

  The people at the slave market were kept in pens in a large warehouse, separated into groups by age, gender, and whether they were skilled or unskilled. All slaves were clean and attired in new clothing and shoes; the men had smart jackets and pants and hats and the women wore calico dresses. They looked well fed. The master of the auction gestured to the slaves, and they took turns parading so that all buyers could observe them. The young people danced for us while a Negro boy played the fiddle. Customers pointed at particular slaves in whom they were interested. The master ordered those slaves to the front, where the potential buyers inspected their teeth and sometimes told them to remove their upper clothing to show their backs to see whether they had scars, the mark of the recalcitrant slave. I was uncomfortable seeing them half naked and turned my head.

  Several times, when sales of children were made, one heard their mothers wail and plead to be sold together with their sons and daughters. A boy told his mother not to cry because he was going to be brave and good. I thought of Emmeline and how she must have felt when Cornelius sold Belle and when Sarah ran away. After an hour, I told Kenneth that I had seen enough and we departed. Kenneth honored my wishes and we did not speak about what we saw that day.

  During his stay, we spent our nights together at my home, but he left each time before dawn. We believed that we were discreet when we were alone in my house, but an Allen cousin warned me that the neighbors had commented on my conduct. It did not matter to me what they said, however, because no one could have forced me to stop, and I knew that widowhood shielded me from societal censure.

  Epilogue

  SARAH CAMPBELL

  NATHANIEL, MR. EBANKS, JAMES, AND ANTHONY met me on the main deck. They were going to be on home leave for two weeks. Everyone else was continuing to the mainland, Tierra Firma, as they called it, to Spanish Honduras and then British Honduras. The night before, Captain had given me a rucksack for my belongings, including ten books that he gave me from the officers’ library. I carried Mariner in a box that James made for me. I was wearing a dress and women’s clothing and shoes that the pastor in Mobile had given the captain to take on the ship for me. James pointed to a stripe of white on the horizon.

  “That’s it. That’s where we live, and that’s where you’re going to live, Roatán.”

  They were correct, it truly was beautiful. I looked at the water surrounding the island and saw schools of brilliantly colored fish. We docked at Coxen Hole, which I learned was named after one of the pirates who settled in the strategic outpost to prey upon the battling Spanish and British ships. Mr. Ebanks’ father and Nathaniel’s brother met us at the wharf in carriages and took us to Flowers Bay, where eighty families of freedmen from Grand Cayman had established a village when slavery was completely abolished in the British West Indies in 1838.

  Our first stop was where I met the four generations of the Ebanks clan, all but the youngest of whom had been born in the Cayman Islands. Grandfather Ebanks and his three brothers, using skills that they acquired in their homeland, founded a boat building and repair business in Port Royal, on the east side of Roatán. The men in the family were either merchant marines or worked in the company. James and Anthony were sons of Ebanks daughters. The Ebanks women were seamstresses, except for two, who were midwives. The day we arrived, the extended family was at the elder grandparents’ home for a feast in my honor. Everyone had questions for me about my life in Alabama. I gave them an abbreviated version of my journey from Benton County. I was interested to learn that all the former slaves had similar memories of living in bondage. This revelation made me less homesick. After the meal, a little girl sat on my lap.

  “Miss Campbell, you’re our new schoolmistress, right?”

  “Yes, I certainly am, but I look forward to learning from you and my other students about my new home.”

  Two girls held my hands as Grandmother Ebanks and other women escorted me to my house across the road, which previously had been occupied by a schoolteacher from Grand Cayman and his family. The teacher and his family missed their island and left after one school term. The pastor of the church at Flowers Bay had been teaching the children, but it was not an ideal situation because he also was the preacher at two other Bay islands, Guanaja and Utila, and thus he was quite busy. Captain had suggested to the pastor on a prior leave at Roatán that I assume the position as schoolteacher. Not having any other option, he agreed.

  My house, which was next to the church and adjoining schoolroom, had furnishings, cooking wares, and linens that Grandmother Ebanks had sewn for me. I gave a prayer of thanks for my home, which was a short walk to the beach. I put Mariner in the yard and watched him walk to the sand. The villagers had contributed funds and paid me, in advance, fifty pounds for my first month’s salary. Mr. Ebanks, before he left on his next voyage, took me to the bank in Port Royal, where I opened an account and deposited my savings, the currency that my mother and Mr. Adams gave me, and the money that I earned on the steamboat and on the British ship and from my schoolteacher’s salary. I did not have to purchase groceries, as my kitchen was fully stocked, and the parents of my students were generous. They gave me a hen for eggs, and every morning one of the children put a fresh bottle of milk on my doorstep. I could not believe my blessings: in a matter of months I had gone from a bondswoman to a schoolmistress with her own home.

  There were teaching supplies for the school, which Captain had purchased when we stopped in Kingston. I met the rest of the village and my students, thirty in all, ranging in age from seven to sixteen, at Sunday service, where I joined the church and became a candidate for baptism. Lessons began the next day. The students, even the young ones, were well versed in reading and writing, but the pastor had not spent much time on mathematics and other topics. Captain told me, before we arrived in Roatán, to write him to request books and other materials after I had determined the abilities of the children.

  “The British government has made funds available for Negro education in the Crown Colonies of the West Indies. Your salary will be paid from a parliamentary grant. Because the schoolroom on Roatán is small, I have requested funds to build a freestanding schoolhouse from representatives of the London Missionary Society. Also, when school is in recess, Parliament will pay for your education. Once a year, along with other schoolmasters and mistresses from the British Crown Colonies, you will travel to London for instruction.”

  James’ mother, Marva, and Mrs. Winthrop were the midwives of the village. When I told them that my mother and the midwife on the plantation taught me how to care for pregnant women, they asked me about the remedies we used. They were pleased to learn that many were the same as those they used. They took me to the woods, where we spent hours in search of herbs that we plucked and replanted in our yards. I had much to do. When I was not teaching or preparing lessons, Gran-Gran Ebanks, as everyone called her, was te
aching me how to sew and cook their food.

  Nathaniel, Mr. Ebanks, James, and Anthony returned after two months. They bought school supplies and books for me in Boston, Philadelphia, and New York. After church, the first Sunday that he was back, Nathaniel asked if he could walk with me.

  “Captain asked me to tell you that, unfortunately, he was unable to speak to the pastor in Mobile to ask about news of your family. When we docked there, and at New Orleans and Charleston, the customs officers warned Captain that the Negroes on the ship should not disembark. There is unrest in the country because Northern abolitionists have become more vocal in Washington. The Southerners, of course, have become more contentious and have enacted even more stringent Negro laws in their states. In Mobile and New Orleans, Negro preachers have been arrested for speaking against slavery from the pulpit. Some churches had to close. A customs officer told Captain that a visit to the church in Mobile would have endangered the pastor and the congregation. I’m sorry, Sarah, that I have nothing to report about your family. Captain said that, should matters improve, he will attempt to see the pastor the next time he is there.

  “I thought you would be interested in reading what the Northern newspapers are reporting on the slavery issue, and I brought you copies of the New-York Daily Times, the Pennsylvania Inquirer, and the Boston Herald. There is still national controversy over the repeal of the Missouri Compromise. Congressmen make speeches against slavery, and a lawyer from Illinois who served a term in Washington reentered the public arena to oppose the extension of slavery into free territories. At least I can tell you that the Northern abolitionists have had some impact on public opinion.”

  “Thank you for the newspapers. I look forward to reading them. And please tell Captain that I appreciate his efforts. I am not optimistic, though, that anything will change there. Speeches in the Congress will not make the South abolish slavery. As we learned in the Bible, the Israelites were in bondage for 430 years, and they had only one pharaoh at a time. There are many pharaohs in America, and each one is more evil than the next. I fear it will be a thousand years before the Negroes there will be free.”

  “We will pray that you are wrong. Sarah, there is something else I want to discuss with you, and I hope that I am not being too forward. Sarah…I…I thought of you, day and night, while I was traveling, and…may I have your permission to court you?”

  Nathaniel had two young daughters, Angelina and Ann, who were my students, and a small son, Jonathan. His wife had died after a long illness when the boy was a year old. Nathaniel’s parents were raising them, as he traveled most of the time.

  “Sarah, this has not been a shock to you, has it?”

  “No, Nathaniel, not at all. I want us to be together, but you know very little about me. You know that I was married. Well, he was not my husband, as we were not permitted to marry, but there was someone in my life.”

  “Sarah, I don’t care about that. I understand it all. Remember, I too was born in bondage.”

  “But there are things about my life that I can’t speak about, things that I did.”

  “Sarah, what matters is that you are free now. You don’t have to live in the past, and you can try to forget about the horrors you suffered.”

  “It’s difficult to forget, especially since it just happened. But, yes, Nathaniel, you have permission to court me.”

  “I will do my best to make you happy. Now there is something else I want to tell you, and I want you to be the first person at home to know, other than Bradley, James, and Anthony. After five years as a first officer, the British West Indies Trading Company has promoted me to captain.”

  “Nathaniel, that is absolutely wonderful. Congratulations and best wishes. I am so happy for you. When did this happen?”

  “Captain told me on the ship. I will receive my official commission when I report to London next month. Will you join my family for dinner this afternoon? I will announce the news to everyone.”

  When we arrived at the Trusty home, some of the Ebanks clan was there, including James and Anthony. It was apparent that everyone knew about Nathaniel’s plans to court me before I did. I permitted myself not to worry about my family in Alabama, at least for that day. Everyone was solicitous and made me feel as if I had known them for years. James and Anthony reminded me that I needed a swimming costume so that they could give me lessons. The youngsters could not believe that I did not know how to swim and thought it funny that, in my entire life, I had only had my feet in the sea.

  Nathaniel and the others had home leave for a month, every day of which he and I spent together. I had supper with his parents and children almost every day of the week, when we were not dining with the Ebanks, to whom I had become attached. One evening, as he was walking me home, Nathaniel had another matter to discuss.

  “Sarah, we haven’t spoken about my children and how you would feel about helping me raise them. As a captain, I will have even less home leave. My parents are content to continue to raise them, so if you don’t want to do so, I will understand.”

  “Nathaniel, I have quickly come to love your children, and I would like to be a mother to them, as long as your parents continue to help. There is something I’ve been thinking about, and perhaps this is an appropriate time to raise it. I haven’t had the courage to tell you because I’m afraid that you may change your mind about me.”

  “Sarah, I doubt there is anything you could tell me that would change my mind about marrying you.”

  “I ask that you maintain this in confidence. I can’t really describe the circumstance in detail; it’s much too painful. It happened when I was still at Allen Estates. I was expecting a child. There was a lot of bleeding and I had a fever…That’s not the entire truth. The truth is I did not want to have the child because I knew that, if I did, I would not be able to escape. I know that what I did was a sin. The midwife took the…everything out, and she said that I may never be able to have children.”

  “Sarah, my darling, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. It must have been devastating. But as I said, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me stop loving you. What do you say? Shall we set a wedding date?”

  Nathaniel brought a smile to my face. “Yes, let’s do that. Do you know when your next home leave will be?”

  The following day, he asked me to walk with him to a bluff overlooking the bay.

  “Sarah, I bought this plot of land to build our house.”

  “Really? We’re to have our own home?”

  “Of course. What did you think? The schoolmistress and the captain must have their own home. And, Sarah, this is the perfect place. It never gets too hot because of the trade winds, and when you wake in the morning, the first thing you will see will be the water. There’s enough room for your flower and vegetable gardens. And, Sarah, you will be in charge of speaking with the carpenters about what you want in the house.”

  “I want a room with shelves for my books and a desk for writing and grading papers.”

  “Whatever you want, you will have.”

  Nathaniel sailed again, and I missed him, but there was much to do at home. He wrote me letters from every port where he landed. I was glad he was not alone, because Mr. Ebanks, James, and Anthony sailed under his command. When they returned two months later for a week of home leave, Nathaniel and I decided that we could not wait for the house to be completed to marry. We were wed at our church in Flowers Bay. I wore a dress that Gran-Gran Ebanks and I had made from fabric that I bought in Port Royal. Mr. Ebanks honored me by walking me down the aisle.

  I am happy with Nathaniel, but my happiness is marred by thoughts of my mother and Belle, and I pray that they found a measure of contentment. With regard to my new family, I pray the Lord will keep them safe and I ask Him to pardon me for not telling Nathaniel everything about my past.

  At least once a day I recall that when I was Clarissa’s chaperone and Isaac and I traveled with her, Isaac claimed every night to be in the stable caring f
or the horses, but when he returned to me at dawn, I could smell the scent of Clarissa on him. I hid my pain and anger as best I could and said nothing because I did not want to admit he had betrayed me with my owner and sister. When I first saw Clarissa’s baby, he had Isaac’s nose, lips, and golden curly hair. It was then I began to plot my revenge against Isaac.

  I encouraged Isaac to flee and wrote him a paper that he thought was a traveling pass but instead instructed anyone who read it to take him to Allen Estates for a $200 reward. My heinous acts did not end there; to prevent him from finalizing a document revoking the promised freedom for my mother, Belle, Bessie, Dottie, and Eddie, and to avenge his sale of Belle to the Reynolds plantation, I killed Cornelius Allen, by mixing poison into his drink.

  Reader, I ask that you do not judge me harshly and that you view my deeds not through the prism of your time but through that of mine. It is true that what I did was evil, but I can see that only now. Then I was a child who did not know the fortitude that I possessed. Now that I am no longer chattel, I know that a slave does not have to be like his master and that retribution does not belong to any of us, but to the Lord.

  Each day, from that first night that I spent in the woods after I escaped, when He humbled me by showing me fear unlike any I had ever, or since, experienced, I have prayed to God to forgive me for my sins. He has absolved me, I believe, but the torment in my mind that keeps me awake until dawn or that causes me pain when I dream is an immutable reminder that He will never let me forget the evil that I committed when I returned my first husband to slavery and murdered my master and father.