The Saga of the Renunciates Read online

  "From this day forth I swear I will give myself to no man save in my own time and season and of my own free will, at my own desire; I will never earn my bread as the object of any man's lust."

  Well, no woman in her right mind would object to swearing an oath not to become a prostitute. Then she suddenly felt troubled. If a woman had no occupation of her own, that could also mean-a wife?

  "From this day forth I swear I will bear no child to any man save for my own pleasure and at my own time and choice; I will bear no child to any man for house or heritage, clan or inheritance, pride or posterity; I swear that I alone will determine rearing and fosterage of any child I bear, without regard to any man's place, position or pride... "

  The Terran Magda thought, Well, that makes sense. But the girl reared in Caer Donn discovered that she was choking as she spoke the words. Peter wanted a child. I didn't, then, but I was ashamed of not wanting it; I was almost as disappointed as he, to find I was not pregnant. I wanted so to please him. I knew I'd failed him-and now I can never... never make it up to him... She heard herself, to her own shame and horror, sob aloud. He wanted that so much, and I failed him in that, I failed him in everything...

  Jaelle waited for her sobs to quiet, repeating inexorably, “... Any man's place, position or pride...”

  Magda repeated the words, but found that she was crying as she spoke them. She ordered and commanded herself to be calm. What's happening to me? Why am I coming apart like this?

  "From this day forth I renounce allegiance to any family, clan, household, warden or liege lord, and take oath that I owe allegiance only to the laws of the land as a free citizen must; to the kingdom, the crown and the Gods."

  Magda repeated the words mechanically. She was almost too exhausted by emotion to hear them or understand their sense.

  "I shall appeal to no man as of right, for protection, support or succor: but shall owe allegiance only to my oath-mother, to my sisters in the Guild and to my employer for the season of my employment."

  And what of my loyalty to the Empire? Magda repeated the words, forcing them past the lump in her throat.

  "And I further swear that the members of the Guild of Free Amazons shall be to me, each and every one, as my mother, my sister or my daughter, born of one blood with me, and that no woman sealed by oath to the Guild shall appeal to me in vain..."

  Magda discovered that her throat was thick again with unshed tears. She thought, My mother is long dead. I never had a sister, and I shall never have a daughter. Yet I swear...

  Jaelle reached out her hands, clasped Magda's cold hands in her own. She said quietly, "Margali n'ha Ysabet, I accept you before the Goddess as oath-daughter; henceforward you shall be, as daughter and sister to me and to every one of us in the Guild. Here in the presence of these witnesses, I declare that you are from this moment sealed by oath to the Guild of Free Amazons, subject only to our laws, and I give you freedom of the Guild: and in token I exchange with you this greeting." She drew Magda close and solemnly kissed her on the mouth. "Kneel," she said softly, "and repeat: From this moment, I swear to obey all the laws of the Guild of Free Amazons and any lawful command of my oath-mother, the Guild members or my elected leader for the season of my employment. And if I betray any secret of the Guild, or prove false to my oath, then I shall submit myself to the Guild-mothers for such discipline as they shall choose; and if I fail, then may every woman's hand turn against me, let them slay me like an animal and consign my body un-buried to corruption and my soul to the mercy of the Goddess."

  Too late to retreat. Numb, desperate, Magda heard herself stumble through the words that condemned her to betray someone. Whatever I do now, I am forsworn. What shall I do, what shall I do?

  Jaelle raised her to her feet, hugged her close. "Don't cry, my sister," she said softly, using the word in the ultimate mode. "I know, it is a great and solemn step to take, and few of us have taken it without tears."

  Camilla wrapped her in her tunic. "Poor little thing, you are chilled to the bone! Jaelle, how could you let her go through that long oath, standing there almost naked? When we had once seen her, you might have stopped to let her cover herself!" She wrapped a blanket over the tunic, drew her to the fire.

  Jaelle laughed in apology and said, "Forgive me, Margali; I had never accepted an oath before, I was nervous, afraid I should forget some of the words – "

  "Drink this, it will stop your shivering." Gwennis handed her the cup they had given her before, which she had not finished. She heard her teeth chattering against the rim of the cup; she sipped slowly, trying to get control of herself. They all crowded around her, hugging her, comforting her. Rayna murmured, "Don't feel bad, we all cry, you didn't cry nearly as much as I did!"

  Jaelle said, "Now you must forgive us for being so rough with you before; now we are all your sisters. From tonight, every Amazon is your sister, but those who witnessed your oath are your family, and special, always." She looked affectionately around the circle, saying, "Are you not? Camilla cut my hair for me, nine years ago."

  Gwennis said, in an undertone like a private joke, "How dare you chide her for crying, Jaelle? You didn't cry, I remember!"

  "But I was fostered among you," Jaelle said. "Now we will finish this bottle of wine in our sister's honor, then we must all sleep. Tomorrow we must think how best to send her to the Guild-house, but for tonight we will celebrate."

  They are all so kind to me now. I don't deserve it. Magda, calm now and exhausted, asked Gwennis, "Where am I to be taken?"

  "To Neskaya Guild-house, or perhaps to Thendara, which is our own house," said Gwennis. "Every new-made Amazon must spend half a year in the Guild-house, learning our ways and unlearning the vicious old ways you have been taught since girlhood-all the things you were taught about seemly behavior for a woman. Your childhood put chains on you; there you will be taught to free yourself, to be what you best can be."

  Oh, God! I took this oath to escape being sent to the Guild-house, to gain time! Am I forsworn for nothing, then?

  Each of them had something to say to her. Sherna, who was a plump and pretty girl, came and knelt beside .her. "I came to the Amazons two years ago, when I fully realized that I had no share in my father's estate; all my brothers shared, but not I; for me there was nothing ahead but marriage to some man who could help my brothers to manage my father's lands. They refused two men I liked because, they said, they would not dwell under one roof with them; and would have forced me on a friend of theirs. So when I knew I had no right to refuse, but could be made to marry at their wish and not mine, I cut my hair and came to the Guild-house. Do you know what I feared most?" She grinned, such a droll grin that Magda had to smile. "I feared they would tell me I could never lie with a man again! But, I thought, better that than marry to please my brothers... "

  Jaelle sat beside her. "It is customary for oath-mother and daughter to exchange gifts. I have no gift for you, Margali; I had not foreseen this. I must think of something."

  They're so kind to me. So overwhelmingly kind. They act as if I were their long-lost sister. The oath means so much...

  Magda said, "My mission-I had told you it was life and death... "

  Jaelle said, "We will discuss that in the morning. It may be that you owe no loyalty to any man, even to a kinsman. But for now we must all sleep."

  The women finished their wine and went to their sleeping rolls again. Rayna put out the lantern. It was very quiet, except for the diminishing, faraway howl of the storm. Camilla, who lay next to Magda, reached out her hand in the darkness and patted her gently on the cheek.

  "You were not the first to shiver through the oath," she said. "When my oath was taken, I-you know I am emmasca-I had nothing like to a woman's form, and so three of the witnesses refused to believe I was not a man and I had to be stripped. Kindra was so distressed by that that she, too, forgot to have me covered afterward. I was so humiliated, I wept for hours; but it was half a lifetime ago, and now I can laugh about it. Someday
you will laugh, too, sister. Sleep well."

  "You, too-sister," Magda said with difficulty. It was the first time in her life that she had ever spoken the word in the intimate mode.

  One by one the women dropped away into sleep. Magda was almost too weary to think straight. I can't go to a Guild-house and let Peter die by torture! An oath under duress is not valid... my first loyalty is to the Empire.

  She was very weary; sleep began, against her will, to steal over her. Bits and pieces of the oath seemed to echo in her mind. Bear no child except at my own will... did I want Peter's child, then? If not, why did I cry that way? Or did I only want to want it... because I had failed him so?

  She thought, at the very edge of sleep, that she would rather like to go to a Guild-house, if it were not for her mission. I could be as strong and effective here, as-an Amazon, as on any planet where women are free. Whatever I do, I am forsworn. I can betray my oath to my sisters-or betray my first allegiance to the Empire. All my life, never knowing it, I have been two women: one Terran, one Darkovan. And now I am torn. I must betray someone, or Peter dies by torture.

  Is Peter worth the sacrifice of my integrity? Can I give up that, too? With a life at stake?

  Sleep took her suddenly, and she plummeted into it like bottomless darkness.

  She dreamed of Peter Haldane; he was lying in the dark, on stone; cold and alone and frightened. And it seemed to her that as he had done only once or twice in the brief term of their love, he held out his hands to her, laid his head against her breast: off guard, vulnerable, no longer concerned to keep up the mask of strength, of masculine infallibility. She kissed him and soothed him in her dream, and he whispered to her, "You are the only one I can trust, Mag. I trust you. Everybody else is out to cut my throat, but you don't compete. I'm not afraid of you, Mag, you're the only one I'm not afraid of." And she wanted to cry but knew she could not, that it was for her now to be strong enough for both of them... In the dream she wiped away his tears and comforted him, saying, "Darkover is not an easy world for men, either." But when she woke she was alone, in her lonely and solitary bed.

  Chapter Ten

  Magda woke late; it was full daylight in the shelter, and the Amazons had built up the fire and were cooking breakfast. She closed her eyes, pretending sleep, knowing that she could delay the decision no longer.

  I took the oath to gain time. I do not want to break it. I have learned-and learned too late that I am almost more Darkovan than Terran, and an oath is sacred. But that does not matter now. I cannot let Peter die, alone and by torture. I am an agent of Terra, and Peter is my colleague.

  Once she had formulated that clearly, all the emotional reasons on the other side surged up inside her; but she forced them down with a great effort, her face set in rigid calm. I have made my decision. I will not even think about any other possibility.

  Even if it's a wrong decision?

  Stop that! No more wavering!

  She set about wondering how she could carry it out. They were planning to send her to the Guild-house at Neskaya, which was a good long way from here. But it was in a different direction from Nevarsin, which was their immediate mission. Surely they would not alter their route to take her to Neskaya; one or, at the most, two would be detailed for that. She would pretend submission until they were off guard and trusted her-How skillful I am at betrayal!-then slip away and take the fastest route back to Thendara. They will be looking for me at Sain Scarp, and if I go directly there, having betrayed my oath to them, they will have a legal right to kill me on sight, and Peter will die, under torture once in Thendara-what then?

  All I can do is to tell Montray I've jailed, that-literally-he sent a woman to do a man's job, and on this world, a woman couldn't handle it. He will have to send someone else. There will still be time, just barely.

  And what’s ahead for me, on this world, after that?

  Nothing...

  Magda accepted the fact that this meant exile from her own world, which was Darkover. She could never again take up her old work in Thendara; once she stepped into the Darkovan zone, any Free Amazon was legally entitled to kill her on sight. She would have to put in for a transfer, go somewhere else.

  To a planet where a woman can have something genuine to do. She thought, bleakly, that at least her coup with the Free Amazons-I've quadrupled all existing knowledge about them-would bring her an offer worthy of her capabilities.

  The thought of leaving Darkover brought sharp, tearing pain, almost a physical agony. But there was no other way. She knew she could no longer endure the ordinary life of a woman op this world, nor the limited work that a woman could do here for the Empire.

  If I could live here as a Free Amazon... but the price of keeping her oath was Peter's death by torture.

  He is Darkovan, too. Would he accept his life, knowing I had bought it by oath breaking and the sacrifice of integrity? The thought was too painful to endure. Magda forced herself to get up, to break off the endless, useless self-questioning.

  Jaelle, already dressed, was standing by the fire, making up a hot drink from roasted grain; Magda had tasted it a few times in Caer Donn. She dipped up a cup for Magda, and said, "I made them let you sleep; you must have been wearied to death. The others are out with the horses, making ready to go. This morning you and I take the road for the Guild-house, where your name will be written on the rolls of the Charter."

  Magda said, in a last desperate attempt to get through to her, "I have told you my mission is life and death; my kinsman will die by torture if I do not ransom him at midwinter."

  Jaelle looked sympathetic. But she said, "By oath, sister, you renounced loyalty to any man, and to any household, family or clan. Your loyalties are to us now."

  Magda clenched her fists in utter despair. Jaelle said gently, "When we reach the Guild-house, you may lay your case before the Guild-mothers; it may be that when they have heard all, they will decide that your claim does not violate the oath, and send someone in your place to ransom him. There would be tune for that. But I am not empowered to make that decision."

  Magda turned abruptly away. So be it, she thought grimly; on your own head, Jaelle, even if I have to kill you.

  The other women came from the barn, laughing, chattering, talking of the ride ahead. Jaelle said, "The rest of you may ride when you will, but you must choose another leader; Margali and I must ride for Neskaya."

  "Oh, Jaelle," Gwennis protested, "you took this mission because your brother is there, and you have not seen him in year's! Appoint one of us to take her to Neskaya for you! I will gladly change with you."

  Jaelle laughed, shaking her head. "Why, I just reproved Margali, reminding her that our first loyalty is to Guild, not kindred! As for my brother, a boy of ten has little need for a visit from a grown sister; I can see him at Ardais in midsummer, and anyway, no doubt dom Gabriel has taught him enough about the family disgrace that I am sure he would rather be spared my visit!"

  Magda asked, "Is your brother a monk, then?"

  "Oh, no! But he has been sent there, like many Comyn sons, to learn to read 'and write and to hear something of our history. He is Rohana's fosterling; I have seen him but once since he was three years old."

  Pretending interest, she asked the nature of the mission.

  "At Nevarsin, the monks keep the records of much knowledge lost elsewhere since the Ages of Chaos. They will not teach women, and we are not even allowed to stay in the guesthouse, but we have leave to use their library. Our best scribes, a little at a time, are transcribing their books on anatomy and surgery, as well as those on birth and the diseases of women-books you would think they would turn over to us entirely, since the monks can make no use of them. We are allowed to have only two scribes there at a time; Rayna and Sherna are going there to change with two women who have been there for half a year, and Gwennis to keep house for them in the village, while Camilla will escort the others home."

  Magda toyed with a bowl of the powdered porridge. She was c
urious, but asked no more questions. It went against the grain to pretend friendliness with a woman she might have to kill.

  Soon after, the other women rode away, leaving Magda and Jaelle alone. While they were saddling their horses, Jaelle discovered that hers had a loose shoe.

  "I wish I had discovered it before Gwennis left," she said. "She is no blacksmith, but I have seen her make emergency repairs. Well, we must stop in the nearest village. Just look at that!" She handed the shoe to Magda, who stood weighing it in her hand as Jaelle bent to examine the horse's hoof.

  I could stun her with it and get away now...

  But she waited too long; Jaelle turned back and held out her hand for the shoe, dropping it into her saddlebag.

  It was a bright morning, almost cloudless, with a brisk cold wind blowing. Jaelle sniffed the wind, started to throw a leg into her saddle-and at that moment Magda heard a savage yell and two men rushed them from the woods, knives drawn. In split-second shock, Magda recognized two of the bandits from last night: the black-bearded bandit leader, and the big man with the mustachios whom Jaelle had wounded. Magda heard herself shout a warning; Jaelle whirled, half out of her saddle. Then she was fighting, backed up against her horse, the two men almost hiding her from Magda's sight. Magda thought, Run! Get away now; they're saving you the trouble of killing her.

  But already she had her own knife out, was running toward them. Blackbeard whirled and Magda felt his knife graze her arm, a pain like fire, as she plunged her own knife deep into his chest; felt it turn on bone and slip. He slithered, with a groan, to the ground. Jaelle was still fighting with the other man; she saw that Jaelle was bleeding from a long slash on the cheek. Then she heard Jaelle scream with agony as the bandit's knife drove down toward her breast; she fell to the ground and at that Instant Magda felt her knife sink into the man's back.