Love and hatred Read online

  CHAPTER II

  Mother and son dined alone together, and then, rather early, Mrs.Tropenell went upstairs.

  For a while, perhaps as long as an hour, she sat up in bed, reading. Atlast, however, she turned off the switch of her electric reading lamp,and, lying back in her old-fashioned four-post bed, she shut her eyesfor a few moments. Then she opened them, widely, on to her moonlit room.

  Opposite to where she lay the crescent-shaped bow-window was still opento the night air and the star-powdered sky. On that side of FreshleyManor the wide lawn sloped down to a belt of water meadows, and beyondthe meadows there rose steeply a high, flat-topped ridge.

  Along this ridge Oliver Tropenell was now walking up and down smoking.Now and again his mother saw the shadow-like figure move across the lineof her vision.

  At one moment, last winter, she had feared that he would not be able tocome back this year, as troubles had arisen among his cattle-men. But,as was Oliver's way, he had kept his promise. That he had been able toso do was in no small measure owing to his partner, Gilbert Baynton.

  Gilbert Baynton--_Laura Pavely's brother_? Of that ne'er-do-weel Oliverhad made from a failure a success; from a waster--his brother-in-law,Godfrey Pavely, would have called him by a harsher name--an acute and asingularly successful man of business.

  Lying there, her brain working quickly in the darkness, Oliver's mothertold herself that the Pavelys, both Godfrey and Laura, had indeed reasonto be grateful, not only to Oliver, but to her, Oliver's mother! It wasto please her, not them, that Oliver, long years ago, had accepted thedubious gift of Gilbert Baynton, and the small sum Gilbert'sbrother-in-law had reluctantly provided to rid himself of an intolerableincubus and a potential source of disgrace. Godfrey Pavely was certainlygrateful, and never backward in expressing it. And Laura? Laura was oneof your silent, inarticulate women, but without doubt Laura must begrateful too.

  * * * * *

  At last Oliver left the ridge, and Mrs. Tropenell went on gazing at thevast expanse of luminous sky which merged into the uplands stretchingaway for miles beyond the boundaries of her garden.

  She lay, listening intently, and very soon she heard the cadence of hisfirm footfalls on the stone path below the window. Then came the quietunlatching of the garden door. Now he was coming upstairs.

  Her whole heart leapt out to him--and perchance it was this strong shaftof wordless longing that caused Oliver Tropenell's feet to linger as hewas going past his mother's door.

  Following a sudden impulse, she, who had trained herself to do so fewthings on impulse, called out, "Is that you, my darling?"

  The door opened. "Yes, mother. Here I am. May I come in?"

  He turned and shut out the bright electric light on the landing, andwalked, a little slowly and uncertainly in the darkness, towards wherehe knew the bed to be. For a moment she wondered whether she should turnon the lamp which was at her elbow, then some sure, secret instinct madeher refrain.

  She put out her hand, and pulled him down to her, and he, so chary ofcaress, put his left arm round her.

  "Mother?" he said softly. "This dear old room! It's years since I'vebeen in this room--and yet from what I can see, it's exactly the same asit always was!"

  And, as if answering an unspoken question, she spoke in very low tones,"Hardly altered at all since the day you were born here, my dearest, onthe happiest day of my life."

  His strong arm tightened about her a little, and, still looking straightbefore her, but leaning perhaps a little closer into the shelter of hisarm, she said tremulously, inconsequently it might have seemed: "Oliver?Are you going to accept Lord St. Amant's invitation?"

  With a sharp shoot of hidden pain she felt his movement of recoil, butall he said was, very quietly, "I've not quite made up my mind, mother."

  "It would give me pleasure if you were to do so. He has been a very goodand loyal friend to me for a long, long time, my dear."

  "I know that."

  She waited a moment, then forced herself to go on: "You were never quitefair to St. Amant, Oliver."

  "I--I feared him, mother."

  And then, as she uttered an inarticulate murmur of pain and of protest,he went on quickly, "The fear didn't last very long--perhaps for two orthree years. You see I was so horribly afraid that you were going tomarry him." In the darkness he was saying something he had never meant,never thought to say.

  And she answered, "It was a baseless fear."

  "Was it? I wonder if it was! Oh, of course I know you are telling me thetruth as you see it now--but, but surely, mother?"

  "Surely no, Oliver. It is true that St. Amant wished, after his wife'sdeath, that I should marry him, but he soon saw that I did not wish it,that nothing was further from my wish--then."

  "_Then?_" he cried. "What do you mean, mother? Lady St. Amant only diedwhen I was fifteen!"

  "I would like to tell you what I mean. And after I have told you, I wishnever to speak of this subject to you again. But I owe it to myself aswell as to you, to tell you the truth, Oliver. Where is your hand?" shesaid, "let me hold it while I tell you."

  And then slowly and with difficulty she began speaking, with ahesitation, a choosing of her words, which were in sharp contrast to herusual swift decision.

  "I want to begin by telling you," her voice was very low, "thataccording to his lights--the lights of a man of the world and of, wellyes, of an English gentleman--St. Amant behaved very well as far as Iwas concerned. I want you to understand that, Oliver, to understand itthoroughly, because it's the whole point of my story. If St. Amant hadbehaved less well, I should have nothing to tell--you."

  She divined the quiver of half-shamed relief which went through her son.It made what she wished to say at once easier and more difficult.

  "As I think you know, I first met St. Amant when I was very young, infact before I was 'out,' and he was the first really clever, reallyattractive, and, in a sense, really noted man I had ever met. Andthen"--she hesitated painfully.

  "And then, mother?" Oliver's voice was hard and matter-of-fact. He wasnot making it easy for her.

  "Well, my dear, very very soon, he made of me his friend, and I was ofcourse greatly flattered, but at that time, in the ordinary sense of theword, St. Amant never made love to me." She went on more firmly. "Ofcourse I soon came to know that he cared for me in a way he did not carefor the other women with whom his name was associated. I knew very soontoo, deep in my heart, that if his wife--his frivolous, mean-natured,tiresome wife--died, he certainly would wish to marry me, and for years,Oliver, for something like six years, I daily committed murder in myheart."

  And then something happened which troubled and greatly startled thewoman who was making this painful confession. Her son gave a kind ofcry--a stifled cry which was almost a groan. "God! How well I understandthat!" he said.

  "Do you, Oliver--do you? And yet I, looking back, cannot understand it!All that was best, indeed the only good that was in St. Amant to give Ihad then, and later, after I became a widow, I had it again."

  "I suppose he was much the same then as later, or--or was he differentthen, mother?"

  She knew what he meant. "He was the same then," she said quietly, "butsomehow I didn't care! Girls were kept so ignorant in those days. But ofcourse the whole world knew he was a man of pleasure, and in time Igrew to know it too. But still it wasn't that which made me unhappy, forI did not realise what the phrase meant, still less what was implied byit. But even so, as time went on I was very unhappy. Mine was a falseposition--a position which hurt my pride, and, looking back, I supposethat there must have soon been a certain amount of muffled talk. If Iwas not jealous, other women were certainly jealous of me."

  She waited for a few moments; the stirring of these long-dead embers washurting her more than she would have thought possible.

  At last she went on: "Sometimes months would pass by without ourmeeting, but he wrote to me constantly, and on his letters--suchamusing, clever, and yes, tender le
tters--I lived. My aunt, my father,both singularly blind to the state of things, were surprised and annoyedthat I didn't marry, and, as for me, I grew more and more unhappy."

  "Poor mother!" muttered Oliver. And she sighed a sigh of rather piteousrelief. She had not thought he would understand.

  "I don't know what I should have done but for two people, your father,who of course was living here then, our nearest neighbour, and, whatmeant very much more to me just then, Laura's mother, Alice Tropenell.Though she was only a very distant relation, she was like a daughter inthis house. Alice was my one friend. She knew everything about me. Shewas--well, Oliver, I could never tell you what she was to me then!"

  "I suppose," he said slowly, "that Laura is like her?"

  "Laura?" Mrs. Tropenell could not keep the surprise out of her lowvoice. "Oh no, my dear, Laura is not in the least like her mother. ButLaura's child is very like Alice--even now."

  "Laura's child?" Oliver Tropenell visioned the bright, high-spirited,merry little girl, who somehow, he could not have told her why, seemedoften to be a barrier between himself and Laura.

  "Alice--my friend Alice--was full of buoyancy, of sympathy for everyliving thing. She possessed what I so much lacked in those days, andstill alas! lack--sound common-sense. And yet she, too, had her ideals,ideals which did not lead her into a very happy path, for RobertBaynton, high-minded though he may have been, was absorbed inhimself--there was no room for any one else." Had she been telling herstory to any one but her son, Mrs. Tropenell would have added, "Laura isvery like him."

  Instead, she continued, "No one but Alice would have made Robert Bayntonhappy, or have made as good a thing of the marriage as she did--forhappy they were. I think it was the sight of their happiness that mademe at last long for something different, for something more normal in mylife than that strange, unreal tie with St. Amant. So at last, when Iwas four-and-twenty, I married your father." Oliver remained silent, andshe said a little tremulously, "He was very, very good to me. He made mea happy woman. He gave me _you_."

  There was a long, long pause. Mrs. Tropenell had now come to what wasthe really difficult part of the task she had set herself.

  "You are thinking, my boy, of _afterwards_." And as she felt him moverestlessly, she went on pleadingly, "As to that, I ask you to rememberthat I was very lonely after your father died. Still, if you wish toknow the real truth"--she would be very honest now--"that friendshipwhich you so much disliked stood more in the way of your having astepfather than anything else could have done."

  "I see that now," he said sombrely, "but I did not see it then, mother."

  "Even if Lady St. Amant had not lived on, as she did, all those years, Ishould not have married St. Amant--I think I can say that in allsincerity. So you see, Oliver, you need not have been afraid, when atlast he became free."

  She sighed a long, unconscious sigh of relief.

  "I gather you still see him very often when he's at Knowlton Abbey?"

  "Yes, it's become a very comfortable friendship, Oliver. But for St.Amant I should often feel very lonely, my dear."

  She longed to go on--to tell Oliver how hard it had been for her tobuild up her life afresh--after he had finally decided to stay on inMexico. But she doubted if he would understand....

  Suddenly he turned and kissed her.

  "Good-night," he said. "I'm grateful to you for having told me all--allthat you have told me, mother."

  * * * * *

  Oliver Tropenell hurried up the silent house. By his own wish the largegarret to which he had removed all his own treasures and boyishbelongings after a delicate childhood spent in a room close to hismother's, was still in his room, and it had been very little altered.

  It was reached by a queer, narrow, turning staircase across which at acertain point a beam jutted out too low. Tropenell never forgot to duckhis head at that point--indeed he generally remembered as he did so howproud he had been the first time he had found himself to be too tall topass under it straightly! But, strange to say, to-night he didforget--and for a moment he saw stars.... Fool! Fool that he was toallow his wits to go wool-gathering in this fashion!

  With eyes still smarting, he leapt up the last few steps to the littlelanding which he shared with no one else. Opening the door he turned theswitch of the lamp on the writing-table which stood at a right angle tothe deep-eaved window.

  Then he shut the door and locked it, and, after a moment of indecision,walked across to the book-case which filled up the space between thefireplace and the inner wall of the long, rafted room.

  He did not feel in the mood to go to bed, and idly he let his eyes runover the long rows of books which he had read, in the long ago, againand again, for like most lonely boys he had been a great reader. Theywere a good selection, partly his mother's, partly his own, partly LordSt. Amant's. He knew well enough--he had always known, albeit theknowledge gave him no pleasure, that he had owed a great deal, as boyand man, to his mother's old friend. Lord St. Amant had really finetaste. It was he who had made Oliver read Keats, Blake, Byron, Poe,among poets; he who had actually given him _Wuthering Heights_, _VanityFair_, _The Three Musketeers_, _Ali Baba of Ispahan_. There they wereall together.

  He had not taken his books with him when he had first gone to Mexico,for he had not meant to stay there. But at last he had written home to agreat London bookseller and ordered fresh copies of all his old books athome. The bookseller had naturally chosen good editions, in some casesrare first editions. But those volumes had never been read, as some ofthese had been read, over and over and over again.

  But now, to-night, he did not feel as if he could commune with anycomfort even with one of these comfortable, unexacting friends. He felttoo restless, too vividly alive. So suddenly he turned away from thebookcase, and looked about him. A large French box-bed had taken theplace of the narrow, old-fashioned bedstead of his youth; and his motherhad had moved up to this room a narrow writing-table from the study onthe ground floor which no one ever used.

  He walked over to that writing-table now, and sat down. On it, close tohis left hand, stood a large despatch-box. He opened and took out of ita square sheet of paper on which was embossed his Mexican address.Drawing two lines across that address, and putting in the present date,September 19th, he waited, his pen poised in his hand for a full minute.

  Then he began writing rather quickly, and this is what he wrote:--

  "MY DEAR LAURA,--Godfrey suggests that I should act as your trustee, in succession to Mr. Blackmore. Am I to understand that this suggestion has your approval? If yes, I will of course consent to act. But please do not think I shall be offended if you decide otherwise. You may prefer some woman of your acquaintance. Women, whatever Godfrey may tell you, make excellent men of business. They are, if anything, over-prudent, over-cautious where money is concerned; but that is a very good fault in a trustee."

  His handwriting was small and clear, but he had left large spacesbetween the lines, and now he was at the end of the sheet of paper.There was just room for another sentence and his signature. He waited,hesitating and of two minds, till the ink was dry, and then he beganagain, close to the bottom of the sheet:--

  "Before we meet again I wish to say one further thing."

  He put this first sheet aside, and took another of the same size fromthe box by his side:--

  "You said something to-day which affected me painfully. You spoke as if what I have done for your brother caused you to carry a weight of almost intolerable gratitude. So far as any such feeling should exist between us, the gratitude should be on my side. In sober truth Gillie has been invaluable to me.

  "I remain, "Yours sincerely,"

  Then very rapidly Oliver Tropenell made an "O" and a "T," putting the Tacross the O so that any one not familiar with his signature would behard put to it to know what the two initials were.

  He read over the words he had just written. They seemed poor,i
nadequate, and he felt strongly tempted to write the letter again, andword it differently. Then he shook his head--no, let it stand!

  Slowly he put the second sheet of the letter aside, and placed the firstone, on which the ink was dry, before him. Then he looked round, with aqueer, furtive look, and, getting up, made sure the door was locked.

  Coming back to the writing-table, he took out of the despatch-box lyingthere a small, square, crystal-topped flagon of the kind that fits intoan old-fashioned dressing-case. The liquid in it was slightly, veryslightly, coloured, and looked like some delicate scent.

  From the despatch-box also he now brought out a crystal penholder with agold nib. He dipped it in the flagon, and began to write in between thelines of the letter he had just written. As the liquid dried, the slightmarks made by the pen on the paper vanished, for Oliver Tropenell waswriting in invisible ink.

  "The decks are cleared between us, Laura, for you know now that I love you. You said, 'Oh, but this is terrible!' Yes, Laura, love is terrible. It is not only cleansing, inspiring, and noble, it is terrible also. Why is it that you so misunderstand, misjudge, the one priceless gift, the only bit of Heaven which God or Nature--I care not which--has given to man and woman? What you, judging by your words to-day, take to be love is as little like that passion as a deep draught of pure cold water to a man dying of thirst, is like the last glass of drugged beer imbibed by some poor sot already drunk."

  Oliver Tropenell waited awhile. There were still two spaces, before thebottom of the page of notepaper was reached, and again he dipped the peninto the strange volatile liquid.

  "God bless you, my dear love," he wrote, "and grant you the peace which seems the only thing for which you crave."

  He waited till the words had quite vanished, and then he took up the twosheets of paper, folded them in half, and put them in a large envelopewhich fitted the paper when so folded. He wrote on the outside, "Mrs.Pavely, Lawford Chase."

  And then, turning out the light with a quick, nervous gesture, he got upand went over to the long, low, garret window.

  For a few moments he saw nothing but darkness, then the familiar sceneunrolled below him and took dim shape in the starlit night.

  Instinctively his sombre eyes sought the place where, far away to theright, was a dark patch of wood. It was there, set amidst a grove ofhigh trees, that stood Lawford Chase, the noble old house which had beenhis mother's early home, and which now contained Laura Pavely, the womanto whom he had just written two such different letters, and who fornearly three months had never been out of his waking thoughts.

  As his eyes grew more and more accustomed to the luminous darkness, hesaw the group of elms under which this very day a word had unsealed thedepths of his heart, and where he had had the agony of seeing Laurashrink, shudder, wilt as does a flower in a breath of hot, foetid air,under his avowal of love.

  Violently he put that memory from him, and staring out into thesplendour of this early autumn night, he tried to recapture the mixtureof feelings with which he had regarded Laura Pavely the first time theyhad met since her marriage--the first time indeed since she had been ashy, quiet little girl, and he an eager, highly vitalised youth, fiveyears older than herself.

  Looking back now he realised that what had predominated in his mind onthat hot, languorous June afternoon was astonishment at her utterunlikeness to her brother, his partner, Gillie Baynton. It was anastonishment which warred with the beckoning, almost uncanny,fascination which her gentle, abstracted, aloof manner effortlesslyexercised over him. And yet she had been (he knew it now, he had notknown it then) amazingly forthcoming--for her! As Mrs. Tropenell's sonhe would have had a right to Laura Pavely's regard, but he knew now thatwhat had set ajar the portals of her at once desolate and burdened hearthad been his kindness to, even his business relationship with, herbrother.

  Gillie Baynton? Yes, it was to that disconcerting and discordant humanchord that their two natures--his and Laura's--had perforce vibrated andmingled. Remembering this, Oliver Tropenell reproved himself for hispast discontent with the partner who, whatever his failings, had alwaysshown him both gratitude and a measure of such real affection as a manseldom shows another in a business relationship. In spite of Gillie'sfaults--nay, vices--he, Tropenell, now often found himself favourablycomparing Laura's brother with Laura's husband.

  Oliver Tropenell was acutely, intolerably, jealous of GodfreyPavely--jealous in the burning, scorching sense which is so often theterrible concomitant of such a passion as that which now possessed him.Godfrey Pavely's presence in his own house, his slightly tyrannical,often possessive attitude to Laura, the perpetual reminder that he was,after all, the father of the child Laura had borne, and who seemed tofill her heart to the exclusion of all else--all this was for this manwho loved her an ever-recurring ordeal which might well have satisfiedthe sternest moralist.

  That night Oliver Tropenell dreamt of Laura. He thought that he waspursuing her through a maze of flowering shrubs and trees. She wasfleeing from him, yet now and again she would turn, and beckon....

  His first waking thought was that they would meet to-night--here, in hismother's house. But before that happened a long day would have to belived through, for he had made up his mind not to go to The Chase tillLaura again asked him to do so.