Best Friends, Occasional Enemies Read online

  To mothers and daughters everywhere, with love

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Introduction

  The Occasional Enemies Part

  We Are All Ferraris

  All’s Fair In Love and Wardrobe

  Empowered

  Picture Day

  Can This Marriage Be Saved?

  Meow

  Holy Moly

  Cover Me

  Mother Mary and The Retirement Village

  The Suburbs Are Killing Me

  The Mothership

  Brush Off

  Love and Worry

  Getting It Straight

  The Heart of a Gambler

  Clipped

  Mother Mary Hears The Worst

  Half-Full

  Mother Mary and the Terrorists

  Twit-Willow

  Grainy

  In Which We Lose Angie, and Nothing’s Funny

  Banana Fanna Fo

  Mousetrap

  Pilgrim’s Progress

  You Can’t Touch This

  Security Complex

  Mousetrap Part II—This Time It’s Personal

  This Old Homebody

  Little Dog, Big Pill

  The Flying Scottolines Reach Out

  Don’t Look Now

  Mousetrap Part III—Modicum of Solace

  Accommodating

  Home Team

  Running on Empty

  Control Issues

  My Daughter Moved Out, So Why Am I Still Lactating?

  I Refuse To Dress Up For The Mall

  Mother Mary and The Christmas Standoff

  Busy Signal

  ’Twas The Night Before

  Prepare for the Best

  Join Me

  Rewarding, or Why Free Is Dumber Than You Think

  Can’t Start A Fire Without A …

  Cold Comfort

  Lunatic

  Darwinian

  The Moon and I

  Big and Me

  Birthday Wish

  Life in the Not-So-Fast Lane

  It’s Not The Heat

  Moms Say the Darndest

  Not Under My Roof

  Uncle Sam

  Mathlete

  Oprah and Einstein

  Toys in the Attic

  Hardwired

  Bank Angst

  Tempus Fugit

  History Lesson

  iLisa

  Oh, You Don’t Know

  Home, Sweet Gym

  The Right To Vote

  The Einstein Workout

  Remembering Joy

  911

  If a Tree Falls in a Driveway …

  As Seen On TV

  In Which We Get A Woman President

  The Hardest Job in the World

  This Land Is My Land

  The Four Seasons

  The Best Friends Part

  Acknowledgments

  Also by Lisa Scottoline

  About the Authors

  Copyright

  Introduction

  By Lisa

  Here’s what I’ve learned in my life: Motherhood has no expiration date.

  This means that even though Daughter Francesca has grown up and moved out of the house, I’m still busy being her mother.

  And, happily, her best friend.

  We talk on the phone a few times a day, usually while she’s walking her dog or I’m walking mine. Our dogs know all our secrets.

  Read this, and so will you.

  But to stay on point, even though my mother, Mother Mary, is eighty-six years old, and I’m fifty-five, she’s still busy being my mother. We talk on the phone, too, but less often, because her voice is always in my head. It warns me not to buy dented cans, not to leave my blowdryer near the sink, and not to put too much spaghetti on my fork or I’ll choke. Her message is always the same—beware, watch out, and small electrical appliances can be lethal.

  But her voice has protected me since the day it took up residence in my head, unpacking its suitcase and its traveling backscratcher. Later, when I got to be a mother myself, I became Mother Mary, only with a better car.

  It’s inevitable, no?

  And now my voice will probably always be in Francesca’s head.

  Poor thing.

  Raising her, I came to understand, with a sort of suburban awe, the uniqueness, the strength, and the power of the bond between mother and daughter. Mother love is like no other, and that’s why we love our mothers so deeply, and also why we want to throw them out the window.

  Just kidding.

  But that’s the point.

  This is a book about the true-life laughter in the relationship between mother and daughter, written by Daughter Francesca and me. Open it and laugh along. You’ll read about a power outage that empowers us, toenail clippings that make us look at each other funny, and a green jacket that becomes a battleground.

  I bet you can relate, whether you have a daughter or not. After all, every woman is a daughter. And daughterhood doesn’t have an expiration date, either.

  Also included herein are stories about life as a woman, at any age. Ladies of a certain age, like me, will recognize yourselves in my stories because we all struggle with the same things, like duvet covers, the preemptive pee, and aging gracefully, which is overrated.

  I’m just like every other middle-aged woman, except that I’m divorced twice (from Thing One and Thing Two) and I kiss my dogs on the lips.

  These things are not related.

  I hope.

  My cats won’t let me kiss them, as they don’t care who pays the mortgage.

  Those of you who are younger will see yourselves in Francesca’s quest for romance, as well as her struggles with her new apartment, which came with mice (free of charge), plus one creepy exterminator. Francesca’s moved to the city, making a life on her own.

  With Mom on speed dial.

  Finally, every woman will find her mother in our Mother Mary. For example, if your mother has ever said to you, “Don’t use that tone with me,” you’ll know what I mean.

  If your daughter has said it to you, too, welcome to the club.

  So read on, to stories of our life. We tell the truth about each other, as well as Mother Mary. Three generations of women, sometimes under the same roof. It’s either a lovefest, or atomic war.

  Enjoy!

  And ka-boom!

  The Occasional Enemies Part

  By Lisa

  Daughter Francesca and I are very close, but that doesn’t mean we don’t fight.

  On the contrary, it means we do.

  So if you’re currently fighting with your daughter, or merely fussing from time to time, you’ve come to the right place.

  Let’s start with the notion that the no-fighting model isn’t the best for mother-daughter relations. I know so many women who feel bad, guilty, or inferior because they fight with their daughters, and they needn’t. To them, and to you, I say, flip it.

  What?

  Flip that notion on its head. If you fight with your daughter, you raised her to think independently from you, and to voice her own views.

  Yay!

  You’re a great mother. Know why?

  Because the world doesn’t reward the timid. Especially if they have ovaries.

  In my opinion, conflict between mother and daughter is normal and good. Not only that, it’s love. I say this not as a social scientist, which I’m not, but as a real-life mother, which I so am. So if your daughter is fighting with you, here’s the good and bad news:

  The good news is you raised her right.

  The bad is you have a headache.

>   Forever.

  Just kidding.

  Francesca and I are best friends, but at times, we’re at odds. Enemies, only momentarily. Like most mothers and daughters, we’re so attuned to each other’s words and gestures that even the arching of an eyebrow can convey deep meaning.

  If somebody plucks, we’re in trouble.

  We never have really huge fights, but we have car rides to New York that can feel as if they last cross-country.

  Wars of words.

  We go on and on, each replying to the other, swept along in a girl vortex of words, during which we parse every nuance of every syllable, with special attention to tone.

  Tone is the kryptonite of mother-daughter relationships.

  As in, “I don’t like your tone.”

  Also, “Don’t use that tone with me.”

  And the ever-popular, “It wasn’t what you said, it was your tone.”

  It was ever thus. Francesca and I got along great from the time she came out of the egg, and I used to tell her that she wasn’t allowed to whine, but she could argue with me. In other words, make her case for whatever she wanted.

  Never mind that she was three at the time.

  Oddly, this turned out great. She was the Perry Mason of toddlers, and more often than not, she was right. Or she felt completely heard, which was often enough for kiddie satisfaction. She argued for punch balls from the gift shop at the zoo, dessert before dinner if she ate all her dinner, and the wearing of Cinderella outfits on an almost daily basis, complete with tiara.

  What girl doesn’t want a tiara?

  Another thing I did when she was little was to let her vent. I had no idea how I came upon this idea, but I used to give her the chance to say anything she wanted to me, without interruption, for a full minute.

  And I mean, anything.

  She was even permitted to curse at me, though she didn’t know any profanity at that age. It got only as rude as “butt face.”

  Ouch?

  She’s still permitted to argue with me and vent her anger. And she accords me the same permission. Even though we’re writing books together and we adore each other, we can still get mad at each other. And that valve releases the pressure from the combustible engine that is the mother-daughter relationship.

  It’s just hot air, anyway.

  Bottom line, we’re close, so we fight, and the converse is also true. The conflict strengthens us, because it’s honesty, hard-earned.

  And the more honest we are with each other, the closer we are. You’ll see exactly what I mean, in the pages that follow.

  So enjoy.

  And watch your tone.

  We Are All Ferraris

  By Lisa

  I just got home from a terrible blind date, and that’s the good news.

  Because it was still a date, so it counts.

  It got me out of the house on a Saturday night, all eyelined and underwired, and though it ended badly, I still regard it as a good thing.

  Why?

  Well, it’s not that I feel the need to go out, though I never do.

  And it’s not that I feel the need to have dates, though I’ve had only a handful in the past four years, most of them blind.

  Not literally, which would probably help.

  Bottom line, if I remembered sex, I’d miss it.

  But I’m not all pathetic and sad about it, and if you find yourself in a similar position, you shouldn’t feel bad, either.

  Here’s why.

  You’re not alone. You may feel that way, thanks to TV commercials for breath mints and Valentine’s Day, but you’re not the only one.

  There’s me.

  And there’s lots of women like us, who end up manless in middle age, whether by choice or not. I know, because I get lots of heartfelt emails from widows and divorcées, as I am becoming the poster child for inadvertent celibacy. By which I mean, not woe-is-me celibacy, but more like, Oh, has it really been that long?

  Also, why don’t I miss it, when I used to like it well enough?

  And why aren’t I on a mission to find a man?

  To begin, let me tell you about my blind date. I thought he was nice, handsome, and smart, which is three more things than I ever expect. And we were having a great time, yapping away through his first and second vodka. But by the time he got to his third vodka, his words slurred, his eyes glistened, and he blurted out the following:

  “I miss my girlfriend. I don’t know why she broke up with me. The kids didn’t like her, but I did.”

  Uh oh.

  This would not be a happy ending. He told me the next day that it was the only time he’d ever tried to kiss somebody who was putting her car into reverse.

  That would be me, and can you even believe he went in for the good-night smooch?

  Could it be worse?

  No.

  But even that isn’t the point.

  Don’t miss out on the fullness of your life because something is missing. Take a lesson from my horrible blind date. He was bemoaning the loss of his girlfriend, when he had a perfectly fine woman sitting across from him, ready, willing, and able.

  Oh, so able.

  In other words, a man is not a passport to life. If you’re alone, you can’t go into suspended animation. You have to live your life and you can be happy.

  You just have to make yourself happy.

  How?

  Flip it. If you think that being on your own is the problem, turn that idea on its head. Make being alone a bonus. If you’re on your own, you don’t have to ask anybody’s permission to do anything, or take anyone else’s opinion into account.

  You’re not single, you’re a capella!

  And all you need to do is figure out what makes you happy.

  So try things. Try anything. Paint. Draw. Take piano lessons. Read a book. Keep a journal. Write a story. Go to night school. Volunteer. Sing. Rearrange the furniture. Join something.

  Dance!

  Do whatever you like. And since I bet you’ve spent most of your life taking care of others, take care of yourself. Get your hair done. Your nails. Spend a little money on yourself. You deserve it. Buy a new outfit and parade around.

  Look at you, girl!

  If you’re unsure what else to try, here are some of the things that make me happy: namely, my daughter, dogs, friends, work, books, reading, cats, a big TV, a pony, opera, and chocolate cake.

  My life and my heart are full, and I don’t feel lonely, though I live alone.

  As for the occasional date, if it happens, great. But if it doesn’t, I’ll live.

  Happily.

  So make yourself happy, and maybe along the way, you’ll meet a man who doesn’t like vodka so much, but no matter.

  The point isn’t him.

  It’s you.

  For once.

  And, finally.

  Sometimes I visualize myself as an exotic sports car, like a Maserati or a Ferrari, that leaves its garage only occasionally.

  Not everybody can drive me, and I don’t wait to be driven.

  I’m not that kind of car.

  And neither are you.

  So hit the gas, and live.

  All’s Fair In Love and Wardrobe

  By Francesca

  My mom is a great dresser. Mostly because she’s wearing my clothes.

  When I was growing up, this wasn’t a problem. She was never the Dina Lohan mom, wearing low-rider jeans and a too-tight Abercrombie & Fitch top. Back then, she had better clothes than I did. It was the 90’s; I waffled between wanting to dress like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless and Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes from TLC.

  Cargo pants, anyone?

  As if.

  But now that I’ve grown out of the teeny-bopper phase, my clothes must look more appealing.

  My mother has become a cougar for clothes.

  Somewhere along the line, I noticed my mom buying duplicates of anything she bought for me. I got new jeans—she bought a second pair in her size. I needed a winter coat—she
ordered two of the same from L.L. Bean. She said it was more convenient that way.

  I’m not going to be a baby about it. We live in different cities, so it’s not like we’re going to be seen together wearing the same outfit.

  Or so I thought.

  For the last book my mom and I wrote together, I went on my first full-fledged promotional tour. We had scheduled television appearances and signings all over the tri-state area. I was nervous about everything, but like any girl, my main concern was what to wear. I worried about this a month in advance, regularly rifling through my closet on the hunt for suitable clothes.

  I agonized on the phone to my mother. She asked, “Don’t you have a nice jacket, like a blazer or something? You must.”

  After more than a decade of book tours, my mother’s closet is chock-full of fabulous jackets—tweed, herringbone, suede, silk, leather—you name it, she’s worn it. It was hard for her to believe I didn’t have one, but it was the truth. I’ve been supporting myself with my writing, and the dress code for a home office isn’t exactly corporate-chic. And my trusty job-interview suit looked like it had been through the war.

  So the next time I was home, my mom took me to the mall and generously offered to buy me this lovely green jacket—it was soft, well-tailored, classic. Wearing it, I felt that little jolt of confidence I needed for tour. I was pumped.

  A week later, my mom and I were talking on the phone again, and she mentioned in passing that she had ordered the jacket for herself in a size up.

  “Don’t worry, we won’t wear them at the same time,” she said.

  Right.

  Right?

  So tour rolls around, and I’m packing to leave for Pennsylvania. Of course the green jacket is coming with me, tags still on, pristine in its garment bag, and I also bring a few nice sweaters and a tweed dress. That should cover it.

  But, the morning of our very first signing, my mom peeks her head in my bedroom.

  “Are you wearing the green jacket?” she asked.

  “Well, I—”

  “—’Cause I’m thinking I’m gonna wear the green jacket. Unless you want to. But you should wear that dress, the dress looks great on you.”

  I concede and wear the dress. But despite my early acquiescence, my mother repeats this little routine for the next three days of tour. If I hesitate at all, she’s wearing the jacket.