The Preacher's Son Read online

  Nathan whipped around, eyes wide.

  “Your dad won’t kill you.” Jason couldn’t picture the congenial Reverend Tull killing anyone. The man might be a hypocrite and an idiot, but Jason, in his research, hadn’t been able to find any evidence whatsoever of overt cruelty.

  But just because it wasn’t overt didn’t mean it wasn’t cruel. Jason couldn’t think of many things that were crueler than convincing hundreds of children there was something fundamentally wrong with them.

  But Jason would never even have considered doing this if he thought the reverend would be angry at his son. Would kick him out, hurt him physically, treat him coldly...

  “He’ll hate me.” Nathan’s voice was a desperate, almost doglike whine.

  “Shh. Shh, shh, shh.” Jason smoothed his palm down Nathan’s back. Jason’s own heart was pounding. “You said your dad will love you no matter what. Right?”

  A hesitant nod.

  “You’re not doing anything wrong.”

  The slim body went taut. “You believe that? Really?” Nathan whispered.

  Aw, shit. No, dude, don’t look at me like that. “I’m positive.”

  Nathan’s eyes tracked back and forth, as though searching Jason’s for the truth. He gave the slightest nod.

  The thought of the camera made Jason feel actively ill now. This was supposed to be exciting, like being in a spy movie. Did spies ever feel like complete shit?

  “You’re an adult. He doesn’t get to tell you what to do. Remember?”

  They’d covered this territory last night. Nathan had seemed more confident then—certain that he wanted to use this weekend away from home to get laid. And at first, all Jason had wanted to do was help him with that goal. He’d been half drunk and nearly in stitches over the irony—the reverend Tull’s son? Gay?—and Nathan had been laughing right along with him.

  The plan had started to take shape.

  “Yeah.” Nathan’s hand was still on his dick, but it wasn’t moving.

  Jason rubbed the small of Nathan’s back. And when Nathan exhaled and leaned closer, Jason felt so ugly he nearly drew back. “I need to know,” he whispered to Nathan, his breath shifting Nathan’s sandy hair. “Your dad wouldn’t actually hurt you, right? If he found out?” He needed to be absolutely sure of this.

  Nathan shook his head against Jason’s shoulder. “He’d never hurt me.”

  He already has. You just don’t see it.

  What Jason was doing was for a larger goal, and Nathan was a necessary sacrifice. Someday, when Moving Forward was closed and the Reverend Tull was no longer brainwashing kids, maybe Nathan would see himself as a hero rather than a sacrifice. Maybe he’d thank Jason.

  Not likely.

  “I want this,” Nathan said firmly. “Fuck, Jason, I need to.”

  Jason kissed Nathan, harder this time, exploring Nathan’s mouth with his tongue. Nathan leaned against him, growing bolder. Jason dragged his nails lightly up Nathan’s spine and cupped the back of his head, curling his fingers in his soft hair and tugging gently.

  Nathan rested his forehead against Jason’s, his mouth open, breath warm and sweet against Jason’s lips. He swallowed and shut his eyes. “Sorry. You must think I’m an idiot.”

  “I think you’re hot,” Jason whispered, snaking his other arm around Nathan and pulling him into a hard embrace. Their dicks met, and Jason rolled his hips slightly, making Nathan gasp.

  “I, uh. I…” Another gasp as Jason ground his crotch against Nathan’s. Nathan’s eyes flashed open. “I don’t want you to go easy on me.”

  Jason pulled back, raising his eyebrows.

  “I—I want to do it hard.” Nathan looked horrified at himself.

  Well, well, well. Jason cupped Nathan’s face and ran a thumb over his lips. Nathan’s mouth opened slightly, his now-steady gaze meeting Jason’s.

  It’s always the quiet ones.

  And the Jesus freaks.

  “Come on.” Jason started to guide Nathan to the bed. Before I lose my nerve.

  “Fuck.” Nathan pressed a fist to his forehead. “Is it gonna hurt a lot? Sorry, fuck. I know I sound like the biggest freak. I—I don’t care if it hurts. I just want to know.”

  Jason’s first time had been with a guy from his archaeology class two years ago. There’d been a lot of fumbling and laughing. He’d never had to do this—stand before someone older, more experienced, and ask what it was going to feel like to be fucked.

  I can’t. I can’t do this. He’s so messed up…

  Jason opened his mouth and drew in a slow breath, brow furrowing.

  I’m gonna set him free. Jason felt a renewed sense of determination. He couldn’t let Nathan stay like this forever. Battered into submission by some ludicrous notion that God’s biggest concern was two guys in Bumfuck, Washington having anal.

  “We don’t have to do it like that,” Jason said. “If you’re worried about it. Plenty of other ways to fuck.”

  “No, I…I want you in me.” He said the line like he’d heard it before in a porn clip. But it made Jason hard all the same.

  “Come here.” Jason patted the bed.

  Nathan slunk over and climbed onto the mattress.

  “On your back.” Jason’s voice was quiet. “That’s it.” When Nathan was lying quietly, arms at his sides, Jason got on the bed next to him. Placed a hand on the left side of Nathan’s chest and stroked his damp skin, as if that might soothe the frantic beating of his heart.

  Jason used the tip of his middle finger to circle Nathan’s nipple. Nathan’s breath jerked then halted. His abs contracted, but he kept his gaze on Jason.

  “So you like a little of both? Rough, but you don’t really want to hurt?”

  Nathan swallowed again and nodded. Exhaled. “Yeah.”

  “Cool. That’s what I like too.”

  “Yeah?” Nathan gave him a crooked smile, and some of the anxiety left his eyes. He twisted his hips.

  “Mm-hm.” Jason pinched his nipple gently. Nathan jolted. Glanced at Jason’s hand and lowered his eyelids. Jason pinched a little harder.

  “Oh,” Nathan murmured, tilting his head back, exposing his long, pale throat.

  Jason let go.

  “You’re allowed to like this.” Jason smoothed Nathan’s thighs, alternately using his palms and his nails, until Nathan spread his legs. Jason swept his thumbs up until they almost grazed Nathan’s balls, then back down again. “You know that?”

  Nathan closed his eyes and gave a frustrated hum.

  “It’s okay.” Jason swiped the backs of Nathan’s knees with his fingertips, making Nathan pull his legs up. Nathan’s dick tapped his belly, his tight balls quivered.

  “Please,” he whispered. He didn’t put his legs down.

  “Please what?”

  “F— Do m— Fuck me.”

  Jason crawled between Nathan’s legs, bracing his hands on either side of Nathan’s shoulders. Smiled down at him and nudged his dick against Nathan’s. “Gladly.”

  He kissed Nathan again, and this time Nathan thrust his tongue boldly into Jason’s mouth and hooked his legs around him. He shifted against the pillows, moaning softly as Jason took hold of his cock.

  Jason groped on the bedspread until he found the condom and lube. Had to let go of Nathan for a few seconds while he got the condom on. Nathan watched him.

  “I’m gonna tell him,” Nathan said suddenly. “I’m gonna tell my father I’m gay.”

  Jason bit his tongue as he uncapped the lube. No, dude. C’mon. This is not the time for a Harvey Milk moment.

  “Good.” Jason glanced at the bookshelf.

  “You don’t think it’s a stupid idea?”

  Jason slathered on some lube. “I think a great idea would be lying back and letting me show you a good time.”

  Nathan closed his eyes as Jason rutted his dick in Nathan’s ass crack and then skimmed his nails down Nathan’s inner thighs. Nathan squirmed.

  “You ready?”

  “Ye
ah.”

  The way Nathan was holding his breath and gripping fistfuls of the bedspread suggested otherwise.

  Jason circled Nathan’s hole with the pad of his finger. “Relax,” he murmured. “Bear down when I push in.”

  “Bear down?”

  “Like you’re taking a shit.”

  A shocked bark of laughter. “Oh.”

  Really? You’ve never put anything up there? Finger, banana...anything?

  He drizzled some more lube on Nathan’s hole, then circled with his finger again. “Sometimes it does hurt a little, at first. But it’ll hurt less if you bear down.”

  Nathan breathed out. “Yeah”

  Jason slid his finger in. Nathan stopped breathing. “Okay?”

  Nathan nodded. Half smiled, half grimaced. “Feels kinda weird.”

  “Yeah. I remember the first time I had something up there. I was like, okay, I can’t tell if I need to shit or come.”

  That surprised huff of laughter again. “I’m glad you know what you’re...what you’re d– Oh God, okay okay okay...”

  Jason worked his finger in and out until Nathan’s breathing evened. Then he slipped a second finger inside. Nathan was still tight, but yielded to the penetration.

  “Oh-h—huh.” His neck corded, his head snapping up. “That’s good.” A light sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead.

  “Yeah? We’ll just take it nice and slow like this.”

  After a moment of licking his lips and swallowing, Nathan relaxed and started moving with Jason, moaning softly.

  “So hot,” Jason repeated, voice barely audible.

  Nathan lay back against the pillow, moving his hips with an even, graceful rhythm that Jason admired. Jason crooked his fingers, trying to find that magic spot. He couldn’t quite get it, but at least Nathan looked like he was enjoying himself now.

  Jason withdrew his fingers, grinning at Nathan’s little whimper. Repositioned his dick and pushed in slowly. To Nathan’s credit, he stayed pretty relaxed, and he didn’t make a sound except a soft grunt through clenched teeth as the widest part of Jason’s shaft entered him.

  “Yeah.” Jason smiled. “You’re a natural.”

  “Fuck. I can’t believe we’re doing this. Fuck.” Nathan was staring between his own legs, at the point where Jason’s dick disappeared inside him, as though Jason had fused their bodies through some freaky science experiment. “Don’t start yet.”

  “Okay. Hey. You get used to how that feels. I’m gonna move just a little—don’t panic.”

  “I’m not panicking.”

  “Stay still.” Jason reached over and turned on the bedside lamp, ignoring Nathan’s grunt. The sudden flood of light was jarring.

  Nathan blinked, turning away. Put a hand up to shield his eyes. “You really want the light on?”

  “I want to see you.”

  Jason pushed the guilt aside.

  He thrust slowly, letting Nathan get used to the sensation. Nathan’s breath caught a few times, and once he whispered, “Yes.” But he was still too passive.

  “Come on,” Jason urged. “Thought you said you wanted to do it hard.”

  “I d—” Nathan gave a startled hum at a firm thrust. “I do.”

  Jason smacked the back of Nathan’s thigh lightly, and Nathan jerked his hips up with a sharp inhale. “Move with me. Like you were doing before.”

  Nathan tried, his rhythm jerky at first, and then they both got the hang of it. Jason pumped Nathan’s dick, and soon Nathan was twisting and arching, his skin slick with sweat.

  “That’s it. God…” Jason dropped his head. “This feels so fucking good.”

  Nathan made a strangled noise. “Oh, fuck.”

  “What?” Jason eased up.

  “That. Do...do that again.”

  Jason didn’t remember what he’d just done, so he thrust hard, and Nathan groaned. Lifted his legs higher and crossed his ankles just under Jason’s shoulder blades.

  Jason panted, barely able to speak. “On your side.”

  Nathan had his head back, throat exposed, and Jason dipped down to kiss it.

  “Roll on your side,” he whispered between gasps. “C’mon.”

  He helped Nathan onto his side, so that Nathan was facing the bookcase, and Jason’s face was hidden behind Nathan. Then he curled around Nathan, slung one leg over his hip, and pushed his cock back in. Fucked him in short, sharp thrusts, kissing his neck.

  Nathan’s exhales sounded like sobs. “Oh God. Yeah…yeah…”

  “You like that?”

  “Yes.”

  Jason quickened the slide of his hand on that long cock, losing himself in the sounds Nathan made, in the heat and the pull in his balls. He slapped Nathan’s thigh again and felt Nathan clench around him. Bit the crook of Nathan’s shoulder as he came, and Nathan bucked, slamming his ass back hard against Jason’s groin and then collapsing. Jason’s fist was sticky. He wiped it on Nathan’s pubes and licked the spot he’d just bitten.

  Nathan panted raggedly. Seemed too stunned to move.

  Jason patted his hip. “All right?”

  “Uh-huh,” Nathan managed. He rolled onto his back and turned his head toward Jason.

  Then he smiled.

  Jason’s stomach clenched.

  “That was good,” Nathan whispered. “That’s what I’ve been, like, wanting for years.”

  Jason laughed, and was struck by an odd sensation. A tenderness that was overwhelming, that made him feel like an imposter.

  Nathan had needed this. But what was this exactly? Not just sex. An…ally? A friend?

  A….what?

  Jason had fucked guys before without ever feeling this—this lightness when he looked at them afterward. This fierce desire to hold them, to know them. Nathan, for all his awkwardness earlier, looked so peaceful now.

  Whatever Jason had given him that was making Nathan look at him with that shining hope in his eyes, Jason was afraid, maybe for the first time in his life, of his own influence. His power.

  For a second, he didn’t want to change the world. He just wanted to make Nathan smile like that again.

  He swallowed hard. “I’m glad.” He stroked the sweaty hair from Nathan’s eyes and reached behind him to turn the lamp off. In the dark, he laced the fingers of his clean hand through Nathan’s.

  “Jason,” Nathan whispered. “Thank you.”

  “Uh. You’re welcome.”

  “No, I mean it.” Nathan propped himself on his elbows. “This is who I am. And I don’t want to fight it anymore. Whoever my dad wants me to be, I know…I know he mostly just wants me to be happy. And this is the only way I’m going to be happy.”

  Shit.

  “When we talked last night, it was just like...like, crap, I’ve believed stuff my whole life that might not be true.”

  Jason wiped his hand again, this time on the bedspread. He wasn’t gonna argue. Nathan believed an awful lot of bullshit.

  He traced the line of Nathan’s jaw with his other hand. “I want you to be happy.”

  I don’t want to hurt you. But it’ll be better in the long run.

  “You saved me,” Nathan murmured, gazing at the ceiling.

  No. No, no. No one saves you, Nathan. Not Jesus, and sure as fuck not me. You’ve got to do right by yourself. That’s all.

  His gut churned, the sensation sharp and painful.

  You’re gonna be okay. You are.

  They lay together for a while, until Nathan turned onto his other side and they faced each other. Nathan wound thin, fragile-looking arms around Jason’s body and settled against him, his head tucked under Jason’s chin.

  Jason sighed and returned the embrace.

  One for the road.

  “You don’t understand.” Nathan’s voice was rough. “I don’t want my dad to hate me. Maybe he’s wrong. But I don’t want him to hate me.”

  “You’ll be all right,” Jason replied. Because apparently he couldn’t think of anything more useless to say.

&n
bsp; He hated the Reverend Tull more in that moment than he ever had. What a mess the man had made of his only son. And he’d done the same to kids all around the country, around the world.

  Use it. You have what you need, now use it.

  Bring him down.

  Jason dug his fingers into Nathan’s shoulder. “You’re a really, really good person. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Ever.”

  He felt Nathan tense again, and held him tighter before letting him go.

  “You’ve only known me, like, a day,” Nathan muttered. But he sounded pleased.

  “Yeah. Could say the same to you.”

  Nathan shifted and looked up at him. “I feel like I’ve known you a long time.” Jason had to turn away from the earnestness in that gaze. “Maybe our paths were meant to cross. You ever think that?”

  Nope. You poor, brainwashed little closet case. I don’t think anything was meant to be. The world is chaos. Complete fucking chaos.

  Nathan paused for a moment then said, “Someday, when you’re a famous journalist or whatever…you think you’ll remember me?”

  Jason leaned forward and kissed Nathan’s forehead, let his lips linger for a second. That queasiness rose in him again, but he fought it down. “I’ll always remember you.”

  Kid, you’re gonna help me change the world.

  Chapter One

  Present.

  * * *

  Nate walked barefoot to his father’s study, pausing to look out the window at the end of the hall. A beautiful afternoon, with the sun edging the hills in gold. In the flowerbed along the side of the house, the ball dahlias, hyacinths, and daffodils were in bloom. One spiky round dahlia was missing a patch of petals—a run-in with the lawnmower. His fault.

  He wished his phantoms hadn’t ruined such a perfect day. He could have stayed on campus and walked by the lake. He could have invited Marissa out somewhere—fried pickles at the drive in, a trip to the park to sit on the swings....

  The phantoms didn’t ruin it. You did.

  That had always been a flaw of his—trying to disconnect himself from his sins. He knew Christians who blamed Satan for their moments of weakness, but Nate’s family wasn’t like that. Sometimes Nate thought it would be a relief to be able to explain away his bad choices by saying something dark had possessed him, had removed his reason and his free will. But that wasn’t right. You had to take responsibility for your actions, and instead of beating yourself up when those actions were sinful, you had to learn to do better next time.