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  Sh*tty Mom is the ultimate parenting guide, written by four moms who have seen it all. It’s about how to survive babies, and what they grow into: children. As hilarious as it is universal, each chapter presents a common parenting scenario with advice on how to get through it in the easiest and most efficient way possible. With chapters such as “How to Sleep Until Nine A.M. Every Weekend” and “When Seeing an Infant Triggers a Mental Illness That Makes You Want to Have Another Baby,” as well as a Sh*tty Mom quiz, this is a must-have, laugh-out-loud-funny book for the sh*tty parent in all of us.

  THE PARENTING GUIDE FOR THE REST OF US

  LAURIE KILMARTIN

  KAREN MOLINE

  ALICIA YBARBO

  MARY ANN ZOELLNER

  ABRAMS IMAGE, NEW YORK

  To our moms: JoAnn Kilmartin, Gloria Moline,

  Irene Ybarbo, and Ann Knight

  Published in 2012 by Abrams Image

  An imprint of ABRAMS

  Copyright © 2012 Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo, and Mary Ann Zoellner

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

  The material contained in this book is presented only for entertainment and artistic purposes. The authors and publisher do not accept any responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, from any information or advice provided in this publication. (Seriously, it’s one thing to be a Sh*tty Mom, it’s another thing to blame your sh*tty parenting on us.)

  Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may be obtained from the Library of Congress.

  ISBN: 978-1-4197-0459-8

  Editor: Jennifer Levesque

  Designer: Kara Strubel

  Production Manager: Erin Vandeveer

  Abrams Image books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact [email protected] or the address below.

  115 West 18th Street

  New York, NY 10011

  www.abramsbooks.com

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This book would not have come to be were it not for the brilliant insights of the indefatigably wondrous Yfat Reiss Gendell. Her stellar team at Foundry—Stephanie Abou, the foreign rights director; Rachel Hecht, the foreign rights associate; and editorial assistants Cecilia Campbell Westlind and Erica Walker—was also invaluable. Much gratitude is owed to the incomparable Madeleine Morel, who brought us to Yfat and made this partnership possible.

  We were lucky to find a kindred spirit in our editor at Abrams, Jennifer Levesque. Her team—managing editor David Blatty, art director Sarah Gifford, designer Kara Strubel, and publicist Claire Bamundo—are consummate professionals.

  Many thanks as well to the fantastically imaginative Christoph Niemann, whose cover illustration brought Sh*tty Mom to life.

  We would also like to thank the following:

  Laurie Kilmartin:

  Thanks to my dad, Ron, my kid (name withheld so he can distance himself from me), and the sitters, Klare and Kathleen. Neither of the babysitting chapters is about you.

  Karen Moline:

  My magical son, Emmanuel, for giving me countless new ways to mess up. Thanks to Sara, Kassaundra, and Diane, the babysitters whose college loans are now smaller because of the many hours they put in, and moms deluxe Deborah Feingold, Maggie Alderson, and Eve Blouin, who bring laughter into our world even when life isn’t always funny.

  Alicia Ybarbo:

  My partner in parenting, Mark Zimmerman: you are such a loving husband and father. I thank you and love you. And to Goose and Scootie: nothing makes me happier than being your mommy.

  Mary Ann Zoellner:

  My husband, Alexander; and my two little girls, Beanie and Pinkie. Your humor, support, and love make each day better than the last.

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  SECTION ONE

  YOUR CHILDREN WANT TO RUIN YOU

  1 Road Trip with Your Kids: Multiply How Bad You Think It Will Be by a Thousand, Then Add Ten Million

  2 You’re Home with the Kid and You Have a Conference Call in Ten Minutes

  3 Screens Con: Don’t Let Your Kid Become a PDA-hole

  4 Screens Pro: iCan Finally Take My Kid to a Restaurant. Thank You, Angry Birds!

  SECTION TWO

  BUT SOMETIMES THEY ARE AWESOME

  5 How to React if You Think Your Child Might Be Gay (Hint: Celebrate)

  6 When Your Kid Is a Different Race/Ethnicity Than You

  7 It’s Come to Your Attention That Your Kid Is Merely Average

  SECTION THREE

  STOP NOT TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT

  8 Ten-Second Rule: Pacifier on the Ground

  9 How to Sleep In Until Nine A.M. Every Weekend

  10 It Only Takes a Partial Village if You Just Have One Kid

  11 How to Leave Your Baby in the Car While You Dash into a 7-Eleven

  12 Organized Sports Might Be Great for the Kids, but They Suck for You

  13 How to Feel Nothing When You Dump Them at Grandma’s for the Weekend/Week/Month/Summer/Ever

  14 Free Gear: Get It from Your Selfish Friends

  15 This Tradition Must Die: Handwritten Thank-you Notes

  16 How to Leave Your Kids to Go on a Business Trip

  SECTION FOUR

  OTHER PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE

  17 Someone Stole Your Baby Name! aka Ballad of the First Aidan Mom

  18 Unspeakable Evil: Private Birthday Party—with a Bouncy Castle—at a Public Park

  19 Put a Stop to the Awful Nickname Your Father-in-Law Gave Your Kid

  SECTION FIVE

  AND SOMETIMES THE ASSHOLE IS YOU

  20 How to Drop Off Your Sick Kid at Daycare Before the Teacher Figures It Out

  21 Should You Stop Texting if Another Mom Yells at Your Kid?

  22 How to Hand Off the Newborn Who Just Filled a Diaper

  23 Oh, You Just Had an Epic Meltdown

  24 How to Not Hear the Baby in the Middle of the Night

  SECTION SIX

  OTHER MOMS

  25 Old Moms: Hey, Look Who Had One Good Egg Left!

  26 Young Moms: Way to Ruin Your Life Early!

  27 Your “Friend” Hired a Bilingual Nanny

  28 How to Deal with Moms Who Exercise

  29 Single Moms: Sorry, but No One Will Trust You Until You Get Married

  SECTION SEVEN

  NOMS (NON-MOMS)

  30 The Nom at Work Who Thinks Her Dog Is a Child

  31 How to Stay Friends with a Nom You Used to Party With

  32 “Oh, C’mon, Just Bring Your Kid, It Will Be Fun!”

  SECTION EIGHT

  YOU AREN’T PARANOID, EVERYONE DOES HATE YOUR BABY

  33 Tantrum at a Tar/Wal/K/Sam’s/Mart/Club/Get (or Sears)!

  34 Stop Looking for a Great Babysitter and Settle for One Who Shows Up On Time

  35 Yes, the Babysitter Is Judging You

  36 Motherfucking Babies on the Motherfucking Plane

  37 Miss Work Without Saying It’s Because of Your Sick Kid

  SECTION NINE

  AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS

  38 White Moms: How to Bounce Back After You Ask an African-American Mom if the Wrong African-American Child Is Hers

  39 How to Get Rid of a Mom Who Wants to Stay Over During the Entire Playdate

  40 “Your Daddy Is a Cheating F
uckbag” and Other Sentiments You Should Keep to Yourself

  41 When Strangers Assume Your Long-Haired Boy Is a Girl

  SECTION TEN

  WE DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT YOU, SH*TTY DADS!

  42 He Wants Sex, You Want to Sew Your Legs Shut for Ten Years

  43 How to Make Your Husband or Babydaddy Stop Calling Your Son “Bro”

  44 Sh*tty Mom Ode to the Stay-at-Home Dad

  SECTION ELEVEN

  YES, IT’S OK TO HATE THE ZOO

  45 Animals That Need to Be Fired from Their Job at the Zoo

  46 Worst Children’s Book: The Giving Tree vs. Love You Forever

  SECTION TWELVE

  SH*TTY MOM: HERE TO HELP

  47 Multinational Corporations That Provide Free Childcare aka How to Write a Book Called Sh*tty Mom Without Spending the Entire Advance on Babysitters

  48 When Seeing an Infant Triggers a Mental Illness That Makes You Want to Have Another Baby

  49 Rediscover Your Passion for Violent TV, Movies, and Jokes

  50 How to Stay Sane During a Horrible News Cycle

  51 Play Trains or Dolls with Your Kids Without Sticking Your Head in the Oven

  52 The Very Last Thing You Should Do Before You Give Birth

  About the Authors

  INTRODUCTION

  Children.

  They want everything you have, and they want it now. They don’t care about ruining your abs or killing your sex life, and they sure as hell don’t give a shit that you only slept four hours last night. Kids—and their proto-versions, babies—don’t care about the mortgage, saving for retirement, or the way they add six inches to the length of your breasts. They want you to quit your job and pay attention to them. Babies hate your friends, and they wish you would take that damn dog to the pound—preferably one that euthanizes. Any person, physical need, or dream that pulls focus for even five seconds is their natural enemy and must be crushed with loud, endless cries.

  If that’s not bad enough, babies are also completely helpless. They have soft spots and weak necks. They can’t run from predators—in fact, they can’t even throw a frozen dinner in the microwave. You would think that any creature so dependent on others for survival would be grateful to their parents and/or guardians.

  Not babies.

  Selfish and suicidal, babies try to kill themselves twenty-four hours a day. They reach for knives, lick the Lysol bottle, and roll over on their stomachs at night. Every morning, babies call each other on the phone to discuss new ways to get you into trouble with Child Protective Services. In their secret Yahoo e-mail group, the lead baby will write, “Stick your tongue on an electric outlet,” and the follower babies will chime in with the best ways to do it. They are the animal kingdom’s most mean-spirited young. When you bring one home from the hospital or an orphanage in China, never forget that your baby’s only goal in life is to ruin you.

  Sh*tty Mom is about how to survive babies, and what they grow into: children. Sh*tty Mom is about shortcuts and parenting with 40 percent effort. It’s about doing a half-assed job, but doing it well enough so that no one but you notices. It’s about not letting that baby win every battle.

  Are you a Sh*tty Mom?

  Take our quiz.

  * Did you hate kids before you had one?

  * Do you hate them even more now (except yours)?

  * When people say, “Being a mom is so exhausting,” do you think, “Not the way I do it”?

  * Are you willing to sacrifice some of your child’s happiness so you can sleep for another hour?

  * Do you ignore any pediatrician’s orders that you don’t agree with?

  * Does your kid have to have a fever above 100 degrees before you’ll keep him home?

  * If your kid does have a 100-degree fever, do you debate raising the “keep him home” fever ceiling to 101 degrees?

  * If you accept the premise that there are two kinds of moms at the park, “Plays with Her Children Mom” and “Texts from the Bench Mom,” then are you the latter?

  * If you had to choose between a babysitter who:

  a) plays with your children but arrives late

  b) ignores your children but arrives on time, would you choose b? (No fair saying you’d make “a” come early.)

  * Did becoming a mom make you realize that your own mother was even worse than you thought?

  If you answered yes to three or more questions, you are a Sh*tty Mom. If you answered yes to all of them, you are a hero.

  SECTION ONE

  YOUR

  CHILDREN

  WANT

  TO RUIN

  YOU

  * CHAPTER 1 *

  Road Trip with Your Kids: Multiply How Bad You Think It Will Be by a Thousand, Then Add Ten Million

  First, let’s figure out how this happened. What series of bad decisions led to this terrible morning, where you are packing the minivan with juice boxes, sliced apples, cheese sandwiches, edible Goldfish, small coolers, chapter books, crayons, and portable DVD players? How could it be that, hours from now, a smart cookie such as yourself will be changing your baby’s diaper in a truck-stop bathroom usually reserved for $20 hand jobs?

  Did you fail to consult Google Maps before you agreed to go to the in-laws for the holidays? Or Disney World as a family? If you live in Ohio, did you forget that, in order to get to Florida, you have to drive through Kentucky, Tennessee, and Georgia?

  That is some brain fart, sister. Here’s a few things to try:

  * Cancel. And not just this Thanksgiving, but every Thanksgiving, until your youngest is at least six.

  * Skype. Hire the Geek Squad to set up Skype on your mother-in-law’s computer. It will cost less than what you’ll spend on gas.

  * Check airfares. It’s possible to get reasonable last-minute airfares (if you’re not traveling on a holiday). While flying with kids is its own kind of hell, it is at least a shorter one.

  If you are already driving:

  * Save time, pee on the side of the road. If you have more than one kid, you can’t pull into a gas station every time a juice box is digested. Pit stops can add as much as an hour to a trip, when you factor in the tantrums that come from saying no to mini-mart candy.

  Find a nice ditch, off the side of a wide shoulder, and teach your little one to squat or pull it out. Being able to pee outdoors is an essential skill that every American ought to have. It’s how many of us will urinate in the future, as our nation slides further into debt. Soon bathrooms will become like universities, with the public ones defunded and the private ones hugely expensive.

  * Give up and turn around. This is a golden opportunity to let the kids know that Mom doesn’t take shit. Because let’s face it, somewhere along the way, you’ve lost their respect.

  You’ve threatened to leave a movie theater when they’ve acted like brats, but then stayed because it was less a hassle. Over the years, you’ve become exhausted and predictable. They know how to play you. Your bite is toothless.

  Well, today the joke’s on them, because you didn’t want to go to Disney/Thanks/Christ/Hannu/Flags/Land anyway. This time when you yell, “I swear to God, if you hit your sister one more time, I’m turning this car around,” you will actually turn that car around. They will be shocked at your coldheartedness. They will scream and cry, but you will not cave, because this time it’s easy to follow through.

  And then, they will fear you.

  * Make them suck it up. Our kids are unskilled in the dark arts of entertaining themselves during a road trip. They sit comfortably in special seats, with their sippy cups lodged in convenient cup holders. DVD players unfold from the minivan’s ceiling, and they are entertained like child emperors in the last days of Rome. If you can handle the whining, turn the radio to your favorite station and teach them how to be alone with their thoughts by providing no distractions at all.

  Remember: This time you will “turn this SUV around RIGHT NOW!”

  Other Things Your Kid Will Try to

  Clean wit
h the Gas Station Squeegee

  Oh, the little ones, they love to help out at the gas station. Hold the gas pump, then wash the car with a squeegee that’s been sitting in gray water for two days. After your daughter polishes your car, she will only want more. Depending on how attentive you are, she’ll hit one or all of these targets:

  * The ground

  * Other cars

  * Your shoes

  * Your car’s recently conditioned leather interior (oh, she’s in the car now)

  * The GPS

  * The backup, handwritten directions to Disney World

  * Her baby sister’s hair

  * All the orange slices. All of them.

  * CHAPTER 2 *

  You’re Home with the Kid and You Have a Conference Call in Ten Minutes

  Whether you’re working from home because your kid is sick, you freelance, or you’re still looking for a job, there’s one thing you must do during a conference call: Get your kid to shut up.

  Children hate anyone who takes your attention away from them. Like animals that can sense an impending earthquake, children can tell when you’re about to say something very important to a client. They have a superpower, and they use it for evil. You must prepare.

  BEFORE THE CALL.

  Lock the front and back doors. Make sure your child can’t get out of the house. It’s possible that, if she has a tantrum, you will be forced to hide in your bedroom closet. You need to know that your daughter won’t run into the street while you pitch ideas from under the winter blankets.

  Prepare diversions. Set everything up before your child sees you holding the phone.

  Food bribery. Now is not the time to avoid corn syrup. Better that your child gets cavities or diabetes than you lose your job. Ice cream, candy bars, chocolate, chips, gum balls, chips, leftover pizza: Any food that seems like a bad idea is a great idea. Ice cream should be pre-scooped into bowls, candy bars unwrapped, pizza reheated, all of it ready to be passed out, mid-whine.