The Woman Who Is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach Read online

  Copyright © 2005, 2008 by Lauren Allison and Lisa Perry

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Grand Central Publishing

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com

  First eBook Edition: March 2008

  Originally published by Castle Pines Publishing, Castle Rock, CO

  Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group USA, Inc. The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  ISBN: 978-0-446-51189-6

  Contents

  Laughter and Praise for

  Acknowledgments

  1: The Perfect Brownie Leader Who Uses Global Positioning Satellites on the Camping Trip to E-mail Photos to the Parents

  2: The Nutrition Mom Who Needs to Be Resuscitated After Finding Out You Fed Her Child a Hot Dog

  3: The Husband Who Takes It Personally When Someone Steals His Luggage and Then Returns It Without Taking Anything

  4: The Mom Who Made a Scrapbook So Large She Could Only Get It Downstairs by Hiring Professional Piano Movers

  5: The Woman Who Can Plant 145 Petunias Without Referring to Them as “Those Little Bastards” by the Time She Is Finished

  6: The Mom Who Is Happy All the Time and Uses the Word “Golly” Whenever She Can

  7: The Couple Who Write the Holiday Letter Telling You How Their Little Timmy Came Up with an Alternative to Fossil Fuels

  8: The Husband Who Buys a New Video Camera and Now Believes He’s Martin Scorsese

  9: The Perfect Soccer Mom Who Knows All the International Rules of Soccer

  10: The Mom Who Corrects the Grammar of the Policeman Who Pulled Her Over for Speeding

  11: The Woman Who Decorates Her Yard for Columbus Day Using Replicas of the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa María

  12: The Wife Who Actually Knows How to Operate Her Victoria’s Secret Lingerie

  13: The Husband Who Believes You Can’t Paint Over Wood

  14: The Woman Who Cleans Out Her Refrigerator Every Thursday Whether It Smells or Not

  15: The Knitting Mom Who Breaks Down and Confesses, “It’s Just Like Drugs, But It’s Yarn”

  16: The Infomercial Couple Who Start Every Sentence with “But Wait! There’s More!”

  17: The Woman with the Perfect Driving Record

  18: The Woman Who Has Her Christmas Cards, Shopping, and Decorating Done Before Thanksgiving

  19: The Husband Who Either Asks for Inane Instructions or Else Gives Inane Instructions

  20: The Culinary Mom Who Brings Crab Aspic with Red Pepper Coulis to Her Child’s School for Snacktime

  21: The Husband Who Has a Cold but Believes It’s Malaria

  22: The Mom Who Throws a Cinderella Birthday Party for Her Daughter by Installing a Drawbridge to the Front Door and Digging a Moat Around the House

  23: The Craft Mom Who Sends You an Exquisitely Handmade Thank-You Note for the Baby Gift You Sent to Her Fourth Child

  24: The Perfect Grocery Store Mom Who Always Goes Through the Check-Out Lane Quickly

  25: The Wife Who Finds Something Wrong with the Way Her Husband Saved the Life of the Man Choking at the Table Next to Them

  26: The Woman Who Has Dinner Completed Every Day by Ten a.m.

  27: The Husband Who Spends Thirty Minutes Taking a Picture of Jasmine at Disney World

  28: The Woman Who Receives Martha Stewart’s E-Mail “Thought for the Day” and Is Too Scared to Delete It

  29: The Babysitter Who Is Better at Everything Than You Are

  30: The Husband Who Doesn’t Notice When His Wife Redecorates the Living and Dining Rooms

  31: The Perfect Feng Shui Woman Who Has a Bagua Map and Knows How to Use It

  32: The Woman with the Angelina Jolie Lips

  33: The Designer Uncle Who Insists on a Biedermeier Master Bedroom for Caroline’s Barbie House

  34: The Athletic Mom Who Is Lifting Weights Every Day at Ten a.m. While I Am Gaining Weight Every Day at Ten a.m.

  35: The Perfect Halloween Mom Who Carves Forty-three Pumpkins in the Image of the U.S. Presidents

  36: The Wine Connoisseur Woman Whose Wine Rests More Than I Do

  37: The Woman Who Puts All Her Photographs into an Album the Same Day She Gets Them Back

  38: The Husband Who Asks You Every Day, “Can You Call Someone About That?”

  39: The Woman Who Goes Twice a Week to the Elitist Car Wash

  40: The Woman Who Knows the Difference Between “High Tea” and “Low Tea”

  41: The Perfect Stage Mom Who Wants the Kindergarten Class to Perform The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant

  42: The Woman Who Loses Weight Without Hanging Out at the Center for Infectious Disease Control

  43: The Conspiracy Among Men to Be Annoying Just Before You Have Company

  44: The Woman Who Never Loses Her Luggage When She Travels

  45: The Woman with the Easily Assembled, Beautifully Lit Christmas Tree

  46: The Woman Who Has a Better Way to Do Everything (Like Make Jell-O) and Wants You to Know It

  47: The Woman Who Has Mirrors Installed All Over Her House So She Can Enjoy the Results of Her Plastic Surgery

  48: The Woman Who Took First Place at the International Napkin-Folding Contest

  49: The Husband Who Doesn’t Ever Want to Open the Refrigerator Door Because that Would Be Wasting Energy

  50: The Woman Who Is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach

  About the Authors

  Laughter and Praise for

  THE WOMAN WHO IS ALWAYS TAN AND HAS A FLAT STOMACH

  “ A hilarious take on all those annoying icons of motherhood… It’s refreshing to read a book that articulates what all of us really feel: Perfect people are annoying.”

  —MomCentral.com

  “ Not only will women love this book—I loved it too! Hilarious!”

  —Scott Patrick, former cohost of the Denver TV show Colorado & Co.

  “ A humorous look at everyday problems and people—you know, those annoying ones, those perfect ones.”

  —ArmchairInterviews.com

  “ Lauren Allison and Lisa Perry have written a book that all of us ‘normal’ women will love. Just reading through the chapter titles had me laughing out loud.”

  —Jane London, cohost of Denver radio Mix 100, Dom and Jane and the Big Mix Morning Show

  “ This is truly one of the funniest books I have ever read!”

  —Amy Oliver, The Amy Oliver Show, KFKA Radio

  Acknowledgments

  We would like to thank our editor, Emily Griffin, for her dedication, professionalism, and enthusiasm for our book. We are very fortunate to have an agent, David Forrer, who has a ready mix of good judgment and great sense of humor; he and the staff at Inkwell Management have been invaluable to us throughout the process of publishing The Woman Who Is Always Tan. We would also like to thank our “perfect” friends out there who let us write about them; you know who you are. Without you, our self-esteem would never have plummeted and we never would have written about our many inadequacies. And we would like to thank our families, who have been supportive throughout it all.

  1

  The Perfect Brownie Leader Who Uses Global Positioning Satellites on the Camping Trip to E-mail Photos to the Parents

>   I always find perfect people to be annoying, but the Perfect Brownie Leader is probably at the top of my list. The first year my daughter Caroline was in Brownies I was happy to be the troop leader. Granted, we did nothing too creative, nor did we do anything suggested in the manual. Mainly, we hung out at Dairy Queen.

  But the next year, I was asked to merge my troop with another troop. I invited the other Brownie leader over for tea and she got right down to business. “What’s been your troop motto, Lauren?” The Perfect Brownie Leader had an entire checklist to go through.

  I said with pride, “Our troop motto is ‘You can marry more money in one minute than you can make in a lifetime.’ ”

  The Perfect Brownie Leader looked horrified. She said, “Well, our motto is ‘Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.’ ”

  I slumped down in my chair. I thought I’d change the subject so I asked, “What day of the week shall we meet?”

  She said, “Mondays won’t work, because I’m involved with the United Nations Middle East peace talks every Monday.”

  I couldn’t believe how much fun I was having.

  She continued, “What uniforms have you been wearing? We should all try to be the same.”

  “Gosh!” I stammered. “My girls felt that an enforced uniform rule might stifle our creativity.” I didn’t mention that I had lost the order form.

  “No problem. I’ll convince your girls to wear the regulation uniforms. Okay, next.” She was busy writing notes. “What have you planned for your first indoor project this year?”

  I brightened at this. “We do have that much worked out. We want to make Christmas wreaths out of egg cartons.”

  “But Christmas is four months away.” The Perfect Brownie Leader had some point to make. “It’s only the end of August.”

  “It typically takes us about that long to finish a project,” I replied weakly.

  “Our Christmas project is to go to my home ceramics studio, throw platters on the potter’s wheel, decorate and fire them. That can all be done in December.”

  “Wow, that sounds great. We can do the egg cartons another season.”

  Ignoring my comment, she glanced at her list again. “What cultural events do you have planned?”

  “That’s easy,” I said. “Last year we went to Skate Town Roller Rink. They have the greatest cotton candy there—the blue stuff—and a little write-up on the concrete wall by the concession stand about how cotton candy was invented. It’s very interesting.”

  She looked as if she was trying to comprehend what I’d just said. Finally, she said, “I see.” She cleared her throat. “I’ve arranged for a private tour and reception at the City Art Museum.”

  “A private tour! How did you manage that?”

  “Oh,” the Perfect Brownie Leader remarked, making an attempt at modesty. “I have a couple of my latest paintings there on loan. I’m into postmodern non-subjective oils, using a palette-knife technique.”

  “Fine,” I said with a sigh. I decided to just throw in the towel.

  The weekend of our first big camping trip arrived. For the first time, I got to meet the Perfect Brownie Leader’s husband, who was wearing camouflage fatigues. She said, “He’s an ex–Navy SEAL, so he was even able to teach me a few things. For our honeymoon, we went on an Outward Bound survival experience in the Canadian tundra.”

  I went numb. They had gone on an Outward Bound survival experience in the Canadian tundra for their honeymoon? Oh, great, I thought, I’m going to have to find a way out of here. Perhaps I could say I was coming down with West Nile virus; surely I could use one of the mosquito bites I had gotten in the past hour to my advantage.

  My thoughts were interrupted by the Perfect Brownie Leader saying, “Everyone line up for a group picture.”

  Just that morning I’d found the cheap disposable camera I’d lost last spring. “Let’s finish this roll,” I said to the girls. “I think our last Skate Town outing is on here.”

  The Perfect Brownie Leader pulled out her digital camera. After taking a dozen shots, she hooked up her laptop computer to her all-terrain Jeep battery. Then, using GPS technology, she sent the pictures to the girls’ parents. Finally, she took my film, rolled down shades in the back of her Jeep, and processed my pictures.

  Even the blue from the cotton candy at Skate Town came out brilliantly.

  I must admit, the day passed pleasantly enough. We had nature hikes and sing-alongs. By mid-afternoon the girls were referring to poison ivy and poison oak by their Latin names. During the songfest, the Perfect Brownie Leader played the electric keyboard she had hooked up to the Jeep battery while her husband played the banjo and harmonica simultaneously.

  A wonderful dinner cooked by the Perfect Brownie Leader’s husband followed. He served filet mignon, roasted potatoes with sour cream and chives, and a chocolate soufflé done right over the campfire. Then an incredible piece of luck happened. One of the little campers felt sick and wanted to go home. Desperately I tried to get up on my feet so I could volunteer to take her home (this took several tries because of the way the dinner weighed me down).

  The Perfect Brownie Leader was concern itself. Did I really not mind giving up the rest of the weekend? It seemed to be taken for granted I wasn’t returning. How lucky I hadn’t bothered to unpack.

  2

  The Nutrition Mom Who Needs to Be Resuscitated After Finding Out You Fed Her Child a Hot Dog

  Nutrition Moms can be annoying; however, if the truth be told, I am quite sure that I am more annoying to them than vice versa. One day a mom asked if I’d like to have lunch with her. Little did I know that she was actually a Nutrition Mom. After we were seated at the restaurant, I ordered a diet soda and watched her pupils dilate to the size of nine-grain bagels.

  I asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “You’re not going to actually drink that, are you?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  “Oh, it’s just a little thing called saccharin, which causes mice to roll over on their backs with their little feet in the air as they gasp their last breath.”

  She then ordered a boneless, skinless chicken breast, asparagus, and a salad with no dressing.

  I ordered a double bacon-wrapped bratwurst with extra cheese on a white bun with supersize fries. The waiter asked, “Would you like a salad?”

  “What’s in it?”

  “Organic collard greens, red chard, arugula, and red leaf lettuce with a low-fat dressing made with heart-healthy canola oil.”

  “Nah. I’ll just have some iceberg lettuce with extra Thousand Island dressing.”

  The Nutrition Mom gagged, and the waiter left smiling.

  The Nutrition Mom asked me what I’d been doing lately.

  I thought a minute. “Well, on Friday night we went to a restaurant whose specialty is charred ham fat and it was delicious. Then on Saturday night we stayed home and my husband grilled one-pound steaks for each of us, with seven-cheese au gratin potatoes, corn pudding, rice pudding, and chocolate pudding for dessert. Afterward, we ate Cool Whip right out of the carton. It comes in chocolate flavor now. What have you been doing?”

  She looked as if she was trying to process what I’d just said. Finally she rallied. “I went to the opening of the new Health Foods last week. It’s so refreshing to shop somewhere where you know that everything is organic.”

  My mind drifted off to the three-pound package of butterscotch cookies I’d just bought at Sam’s Club. They were still in the car, unfortunately.

  When our waiter arrived with our salads, I leaned over and looked at her. “Which is the arugula? I don’t think I’ve ever had that.”

  The Nutrition Mom pointed it out with her fork.

  I said, “Just this morning I noticed the same stuff growing by my front sidewalk. I hit it with Roundup.”

  I asked if she had tried any new recipes lately. She said that her sister had just given her a great tofu steak recipe with a vegetarian barbecue
sauce.

  I brightened. “I just tried something new, too. I used pork fat to make beef fondue. It was fabulous. You’d be surprised how much flavor pork fat adds to chuck beef if you don’t cook it too long.”

  She closed her eyes tightly and didn’t open them again for quite a few seconds.

  Our food arrived. To her dismay, the chicken breast had been cooked with the skin on. “Oh, dear,” she sighed, “they always forget to remove the skin.”

  “No problem, I’ll eat it. That’s the only part of the chicken I ever eat anyway.” She passed it over.

  She said, “By the way, next week I’ll be out of town at the Mother’s March on Washington for the Elimination of Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oils.”

  “Cool.” I was impressed. “What’s partially hydrogenated vegetable oil?”

  “It happens to be one of the worst things you can eat. It’s in all kinds of crackers, cookies, cakes, frostings, candy, even pancake mix.”

  “Good for you. How great to stand up for something you really believe in.”

  “Yes,” she said. “It’d be wonderful to get companies to eliminate hydrogenated vegetable oils. Actually, in terms of fat, butter is better for you.”

  Surprised, I exclaimed, “Butter is better for you?” Now she was talking about something I could really endorse.

  “Much better,” she assured me.

  “Great. I eat it straight sometimes. I just love butter.”

  “Then you should go with me to Washington. We need one more person to hold up a sign.”

  “What would my sign say?” I asked. “Would it have anything to do with butter?”

  “As a matter of fact, it would. We need someone to hold the sign that says, GET OFF YOUR LARD ASS AND EAT BUTTER. Would you be interested?”

  I smiled. “That sign has my name written all over it.”

  3

  The Husband Who Takes It Personally When Someone Steals His Luggage and Then Returns It Without Taking Anything

  My husband Michael and I recently stayed at a hotel in Miami but, to our dismay, while checking in, we found that one of our bags was missing. After examining our remaining bags, we realized that it was the one containing Michael’s clothes.