Amelia Fang and the Barbaric Ball Read online

  “Don’t they teach you manners in this school?” Tangine said. “I am royalty. You must open the door for me!”

  Amelia felt herself blush again, but then the door suddenly burst open.

  “Oh, thank the grave!” Miss Inspine sighed. “I thought you’d lost the prince, Amelia. Chop-chop, you’ve made him late for class!”

  “But, Miss, I—” Amelia began.

  “Not now, Amelia,” the head teacher said. “Hurry up. There’s a special seat for Tangine next to you.”

  Amelia and Tangine took their seats while Squashy nestled under the desk.

  “Did everyone complete their Creature and Critter Studies homework?” Miss Inspine said. “Your Full Moon test is coming up, and this year’s subject is Creatures of the Light. Can anyone tell me what they’ve learned so far?”

  “Oooh, me, me, me, pick me!” Frankie shot her hand up in the air.

  “Very well.” Miss Inspine sighed.

  Frankie stood up and cleared her throat. “Well, we all know that the Creatures of the Light are terrifying, mean creatures who do awful things….”

  “This is a stupid subject,” Tangine muttered.

  “I read a book called The Wrath of the Angel-Kitten,” Frankie continued, “and they act all cute and nuzzle your neck but then they scratch your eyeballs out and eat them WHOLE!”

  The class gasped. Tangine was looking down, twiddling his thumbs.

  “Thank you for that dramatic account, Frankie,” Miss Inspine said with another deep sigh.

  “And we all know that fairies are capable of MUCH worse.” Frankie glanced over at Tangine. “I’m soooo sorry about your mother—”

  “That is enough, Frankie!” Miss Inspine interrupted. “I told you not to mention the fairy incident!” she hissed.

  “Can’t we learn about something else?” Tangine said sharply, straightening up in his chair.

  It must be hard for him after what happened to his mother, Amelia thought.

  Amelia and her friends loved reading stories about the Creatures of the Light: the gruesome glittery unicorns (Nocturnians were TERRIFIED of glitter), the evil sparkly fairies and the cute and fluffy angel-kittens of terror. (Everyone knew that while Nocturnians were sleeping and the sun was out, terrifying creatures from the nearby Kingdom of the Light lurked around the Petrified Forest. Nocturnians didn’t dare step outside again until nightfall, if they could help it.)

  “Florence,” Miss Inspine trilled, “did you do any research on the subject?”

  “MATTER OF FACT, I DID…,” Florence said, standing up. “MY MOM READ ME A BOOK CALLED FEARFUL FACTS ABOUT FRIGHTFUL FAIRIES. THEY USE THAT SPARKLY STUFF CALLED GLITTER AND SPRINKLE IT ALL OVER YOU, MAKING YOU FALL INTO A DEEP SLEEP. THEN…” She paused. “WHILE YOU’RE SLEEPING SOUNDLY, THEY USE THEIR LITTLE WANDS TO…” She leaned forward, staring at Frankie intensely. “STEAL YOUR FANGS!”

  Grimaldi yelped and pulled his hood over his face. Amelia put her hand over her mouth.

  “Oh, don’t be so over-the-top, Beast!” said Tangine.

  Amelia, Florence and Grimaldi stared at the prince in shock.

  “WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?” said Florence, rising up to her full height.

  “Well, that’s what you are, isn’t it? A beast who doesn’t shut up?” said Tangine, avoiding eye contact.

  “Hey! That’s a really mean thing to say,” Amelia said. She couldn’t believe the prince had called Florence a beast. There was no excuse for that, even if he was nervous.

  Florence loomed over Tangine. “I AM NOT A BEAST!” she boomed. “I’M A RARE BREED OF YETI!”

  “Florence Spudwick!” shouted Miss Inspine, causing her ribs to rattle. “Leave the prince alone and sit down this instant!”

  “BUT, MISS, HE CALLED ME A—”

  “Now!” said Miss Inspine. “Right. Please open your books to page thirty-two and answer the questions on angel-kitten history. You have fifteen minutes.” And with that, she took off her head and put it in the cupboard for some peace and quiet.

  At the end of the school night, Amelia walked Tangine to the academy entrance in silence. Florence and Grimaldi followed, keeping their distance.

  Amelia still couldn’t believe Tangine had been so mean to Florence. The prince wasn’t like she’d imagined he’d be at all. But maybe he would be better tomorrow. “Um…is your dad picking you up from school?” Amelia finally said.

  “No. John will be taking me home,” said Tangine, pointing to a huge vulture whose three eyes all looked in different directions.

  “Oh. Well, it was, um, nice to meet you,” said Amelia, looking at her feet. “See you tomorrow, I guess.”

  “You’ll be seeing me tonight, actually,” Tangine sneered. “Your mother practically begged Father and me to come to your house for a pre–Barbaric Ball dinner.”

  Amelia wasn’t sure what to say. “Oh…great!” she spluttered.

  Once Tangine was out of sight, Amelia, Florence and Grimaldi each let out a big sigh of relief.

  “WELL, HE’S HORRIBLE,” said Florence. “AND NOT IN THE NICE WAY.”

  “I’m sorry he called you names, Florence,” Amelia said. “At first I thought he was nervous, starting a new school and all, but that’s no excuse for being so mean.”

  Suddenly, Grimaldi’s diePhone rang out:

  YOU AAAAAARE DEAD, YOU ARE DEAD, FROM THE TIPS OF YOUR TOES TO THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD….

  “WHO DIED?” asked Florence.

  “Hmmm. It’s your mom,” said Grimaldi, looking at Amelia.

  “WHAT?” Florence gasped.

  “No, no, no. Amelia’s mom is calling me….” Grimaldi answered the phone. “Um, hello, Mrs. Fang. Sorry, I mean, Mrs. Fountess Cang. Wait, I mean, Countess Fang…”

  Amelia took the phone from Grimaldi, who was now blushing and biting his nails. “Hey, Mom,” she said.

  “Amelia, you must come home this instant,” Countess Frivoleeta said, sounding out of breath. “King Vladimir and Prince Tangine are coming for dinner!”

  “I heard,” said Amelia. “But can’t I stay out with Florence and Grimaldi for a little while? I won’t be late for dinner, I promise.”

  “We need to make the house look PERFECT. You must come home now, Amelia!” insisted the countess, and then hung up the phone.

  YOU AAAAAARE DEAD, YOU ARE DEAD, FROM THE TIPS OF YOUR TOES TO THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD…chimed the diePhone again.

  “What could my mother possibly want now?” Amelia said.

  “It’s a real death this time…. Two squished toads.” Grimaldi sighed. “Sorry, guys. Gotta go.”

  “LOOKS LIKE WE WON’T BE HANGING OUT TONIGHT, THEN,” said Florence.

  “I’m afraid not,” Amelia said, stroking Squashy. “Sorry.”

  “Okay,” Florence said. She turned to Grimaldi. “LEMME KNOW IF ANY OF THOSE SQUISHED TOADS DON’T WANT THEIR KIDNEYS. I CAN USE ’EM FOR MY ART PROJECT.”

  “Sure thing,” Grimaldi said, chuckling as he disappeared into the mist.

  Amelia and Florence wandered through Central Nocturnia Graveyard while Squashy bounced his way across the gravestones.

  “I wonder what the king looks like now,” Amelia said. “I’ve seen pictures in books, and my mom’s always saying how he’s more handsome than my dad….”

  “DUNNO,” Florence said. “IMAGINE IF HE HAD A BIG PIMPLE ON HIS NOSE….”

  Amelia giggled. “What do you mean?”

  “WELL, PEOPLE THINK ROYALTY ARE ALL PERFECT. BUT I BET THEY GET PIMPLES ON THEIR NOSES TOO. AND THEIR BUTTS.”

  Amelia laughed so hard she snorted.

  “MY GRANNY DORIS HAD ONE ON HER BUTT CHEEK FOR SEVENTY YEARS,” Florence said thoughtfully.

  “Well, I’d better get home,” Amelia said with a sigh. “Maybe Tangine will be nicer in a smaller group….”

 
“IF HE’S MEAN TO YOU, JUST LEMME KNOW AND I’LL COME AND SIT ON HIM.”

  Amelia smiled and hugged her friend. “Thanks, Florence. What would I do without you?”

  “PROBABLY BE VERY BORED,” Florence replied, laughing.

  When Amelia arrived home, Countess Frivoleeta seemed rather flustered.

  “There’s so much to do! Wooo, is the toilet shiny? IT HAS TO BE SHINY!” she shrieked, making Squashy bounce into Amelia’s arms. Sometimes Amelia wished her parents were a little less ridiculous.

  “I can’t believe the king is coming to dinner. This is HUGE! The first time in YEARS!” Countess Frivoleeta’s left eyeball popped out in her excitement. “We must make sure everything is PERFECT! Amelia, get changed into something…blacker,” she said, dusting her eyeball and popping it back in.

  “I’m already wearing all black,” said Amelia, wrinkling her nose.

  “Well. Something even MORE black…with more frills!” the countess added before disappearing through a door.

  Count Drake shuffled into the hall in his fluffy slippers.

  “Aren’t you helping?” asked Amelia.

  “Me?” her father said, stretching up his arms and revealing his potbelly. “I’ve helped loads. I took my mug…” He paused and smiled. “And I put it…” He looked serious. “In the sink.”

  Amelia was impressed. That was more cleaning than he’d ever done. Ever.

  “And look! I’ve only got two clues left in my crossword,” he said, flapping the Midnight Times at Amelia.

  “Oh, Squashy,” said Amelia, hugging him to her chest. “Mom and Dad have really lost it this time!”

  BOOOOOOOOOONG! went the door gong.

  “THEY’RE EARLY!” Countess Frivoleeta screeched from the second floor. “I haven’t CHANGED…and the TOILET isn’t SHINY enough! Wooo, distract them while I polish my fangs!”

  Amelia ran up the stairs, with Squashy following close behind, and perched on the first-floor balcony, just out of sight.

  Adjusting his monocle, Wooo opened the front door.

  “Welcome to the Fang residence. My name is Wooo,” he said, and gave a graceful bow.

  “Yes, yes, thank you,” came a deep, shaky voice.

  “Please, come in,” Wooo said, gesturing toward the entrance hall.

  Into the hallway stepped an extremely tall and miserable-looking man. Amelia thought he seemed incredibly tired. His cloak, covered in black diamonds, glimmered in the candlelight as he glided across the hall.

  “Come, Tangine!” said King Vladimir, waving a hand at the door.

  Amelia narrowed her eyes. She was still angry with the prince for calling Florence a beast. Squashy growled—although it sounded more like a cute gurgle.

  Tangine stepped into the hall, putting his hands on his hips. “Hmmm, I thought our home was cramped, and we have over three thousand rooms,” he said casually. “But this place is like a cupboard.”

  Amelia frowned. He was still acting like a spoiled sprout.

  “The count and countess will be with you shortly,” Wooo said. “Can I get you anything to drink? We have homemade Eyeball Juice or Armpit-Sweat Shakes?”

  “I’ll take a Sweat Shake, please,” the king mumbled.

  “Make that two!” said Tangine. “Thanks, Ooo.”

  “It’s Wooo, sir,” said Wooo.

  “Oh, forgive me, Woe,” said Tangine, not even looking at Wooo. He was busy wiping one of his shoes on the carpet. “Hmmm, I think I stepped on something outside. It just won’t…” He scraped his foot harder. “Come…” Then he kicked really hard.

  “OFF!”

  A piece of glittery goop flew off his shoe and straight through Wooo. At the same moment, Countess Frivoleeta burst through a door, wearing her brand-new dress.

  SPLAT!

  The glitter goop landed on Countess Frivoleeta’s chest.

  Just then, Count Drake entered the hall in his gloomiest Hawaiian graveyard shirt.

  “VLADIMIR!” He beamed, putting an arm around the king’s shoulders. “It has been too long, my friend. You’re looking…gaunt.” He patted the king. “Perhaps you could come and help me with my latest crossword while we wait for din—” Suddenly, he stopped dead, staring at the countess’s dress. His hands began to shake. “Oooh, my…,” he said, gasping. “Is that g-g-g-g-glitter?”

  Countess Frivoleeta looked as if she might burst into tears as the big sticky glob of glitter slipped its way down her dress. But, to Amelia’s surprise, her mother paused, gulped and then gave a shaky smile.

  “Oooh, it’s o-o-o-kay.” She laughed brightly, even though Amelia knew she was just as afraid as Amelia herself was. “A bit of g-g-gl-aaaaah…won’t hurt!”

  Countess Frivoleeta floated past Tangine and curtseyed, wobbling slightly as the glitter goop reached her knee.

  “King Vladimir,” she gushed, “it is an honor to have you here in our home after so long. And we are DELIGHTED you can come to the ball this year!”

  “Yes, yes, pleasure,” said the king, turning away from the countess. He didn’t seem at all bothered by the glitter pooling on the floor.

  “And this is Tangine,” the king said.

  Tangine raised his eyebrows and grinned.

  “Well, aren’t you just repugnant!” Countess Frivoleeta said in a high-pitched voice.

  “Amelia, darkling, where are you? Come down here this instant and say hello to our guests!”

  “Where are those manners, Miss Ameeelia?” Tangine said. “Probably been spending too much time hanging around with that beastly friend of yours!”

  Before Amelia could say anything, Squashy pa-doinged his way down the stairs and bit the prince’s nose.

  “OOOOOOOOW!” Tangine shrieked. “OOOH, DADDY! Do something, Daddy!”

  Countess Frivoleeta was so shocked, one of her eyebrows fell off and ran away. Amelia raced down the stairs to scoop up Squashy.

  “Oh, my wobbly werewolves, I’m SO sorry! Please forgive him. He’s just overexcited!” the countess said.

  “Aren’t you going to say something, Daddy?” Tangine moaned.

  “Oh, you’ll be fine,” King Vladimir said half-heartedly.

  Amelia watched King Vladimir’s blank face. He didn’t seem to care very much about anything, including his own son.

  “Daddy,” said Tangine, luckily getting distracted by a statue that stood next to the front door. “We don’t have a statue of Lord Ey-Ey Pistachio the Eighth in our palace.”

  “No, we don’t,” the king agreed.

  “We’ve had that statue of the founder of Nocturnia in our family for generations,” the countess said proudly.

  “I want one,” said Tangine, pouting at his father.

  “Very well. I’ll get you one,” the king said.

  “No. I want that one,” said Tangine, pointing at the small statue.

  Countess Frivoleeta made a soft choking sound. “Oh, I—I—I don’t think—”

  “Fine,” interrupted King Vladimir, picking up the statue.

  Countess Frivoleeta glanced over at Count Drake, but he was busy studying his crossword puzzle.

  “I guess that’s…okay. Consider it a…welcome-back gift,” Countess Frivoleeta said in a small voice.

  “There,” said the king, handing the statue to Tangine without a blink.

  “Now, where’s that ghost WooWoo with our Sweat Shakes?” Tangine demanded.

  Countess Frivoleeta’s makeup was starting to run.

  “Amelia,” she hissed, “take the prince to the bathroom and find some Crispy Carcass Cream for his poor nose.”

  “Mooom,” Amelia groaned. “I don’t want—”

  “Now!” Countess Frivoleeta snapped.

  Luckily, at that moment, Wooo arrived with the drinks.

  “Apologies for the delay,” he announced
. “We always make the Armpit-Sweat Shakes from scratch.”

  The king grabbed a tall glass with a thin, trembling hand. Tangine drank his whole shake in one gulp, then belched loudly.

  “Too salty,” he said, throwing the glass back onto the tray.

  “I think I’ll just change into some clean clothes before dinner is served. This was, erm, just my welcome dress,” said Countess Frivoleeta, glancing at the glittery stain and shuddering.

  “Well?” said Tangine, turning to Amelia. “Where’s the bathroom?”

  Amelia stomped up the stairs, while Squashy gave Tangine his most menacing stare, which still looked pretty cute.

  “Does that pumpkin go everywhere with you?” Tangine said as they wound their way up the spiral staircase.

  Amelia spun around. “Squashy is the nicest pumpkin ever. He only bites if somebody is being really mean!”

  Tangine began twiddling his thumbs. “Look at all these doors,” he said, ignoring Amelia. “I like this one….” He was about to touch a big black door covered with intricate silver decorations, but it burst into flames.

  “What was THAT?” squealed Tangine, falling backward.

  “The doors do that sometimes,” Amelia said, unable to contain her grin.

  “How dare they?” Tangine said. “And why are there so many doors in this house? It’s far too small to have this many rooms.”

  “They’re not all rooms,” Amelia said mysteriously.

  In fact, there were doors of all shapes and sizes lining every corridor of the Fang house. Some doors led to rooms on different floors and some led outside the mansion, while others simply disappeared one day, never to be seen again.

  Amelia opened a big red door into complete darkness. “Anyway, here’s the bathroom….” she said.

  “That’s not a bathroom,” Tangine said. “There’s nothing in there.”

  Amelia rolled her eyes. “Just go in. It’ll take you to the bathroom, you’ll see.”